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Now it’s time for our weekly stroll through the astrological plane in our frighteningly accurate section called Hecklerscopes.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
Your mum introduces you to your long lost identical twin. The resemblance is uncanny and all you can think is ‘Christ he’s ugly.’
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
You’ll be pleased to know that your girlfriend is NOT sleeping with her workmate. No, she’s sleeping with your workmate. Sorry.
This week we’ve been drunkenly staring upwards at those star things for days on end, wishing we’d done our final year at University instead of ditching it in favour of being Russell Grant’s apprentice and gathering information about your equally worthless lives for a cheap laugh.
Yes, it’s hecklerspray horoscopes time.
Prepare to be insulted amazed.
STARS! PLANETS! THE UNIVERSE! RAINBOWS! Erm, CLOUDS! Can these things really determine you future? Can they? WELL CAN THEY? DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY CAN?
THEY CAN’T.
We can though. We’re spooky. Spooky like Mystic Meg’s face appearing in Russell Grant’s undercrackers. Wooooooooooo! Let’s look at your future shall we? You’re dying to find out when you die aren’t you?
10 - Woo, dress as any of these spooky things today and you’ll get beaten up – Cracked
9 – Spooky food! SPOOKY! – Designmom
8 - Gifts to deliberately annoy trick or treaters! Spookywoo! - Divinecaroline
7 – Spooky rap songs! Woooo! – About
6 - Make your own werewolf head! WooooOOoo! Spookyyy! - Instructables
5 - Woo, Bruce Springsteen isn’t decorating his house today. Um, spooky? – Huffingtonpost
4 - Saw School Musical. Wooo! Spooky – I Am Bored
3 - Woo, bloodsucking moths! Spoooky! – Nationalgeographic
2 - Woooooo! Sex scene or murder scene quiz! Spoooooooooooky! – Liquidgeneration
1 - And finally, the woo spookiest thing you’ll see all day. May God have mercy on your blackened souls…
