splitting up - HecklerSpray

Oh No! Robert Pattinson To Make Rubbish Music On New Album!

January 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.

He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.

And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting r?sum?, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.

Everyone Now Quite Desperate For Katy Perry And Russell Brand To Split

December 29th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

Robert Pattinson Wafting His Glans At Twilight Co-Star That Isn’t Kristen Stewart

December 22nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…

…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.

Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!

Taylor Lautner To Be Encased In Wax For Molestation Purposes

December 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.

Boring Robert Pattinson Is Worried His Rubbish Career Will Be Over When Awful Twilight Ends

November 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson is crashingly dull. He’s so dull that rain water has been known to hurl itself into furnaces in a bid to escape his terrific tedium. Rumour has it that R-Pattz is so boring that his blood clots into scabs while still in his veins everytime he wakes.

Once, it has been said, Robert Pattinson made an ocean curdle just by absently staring at it. He’s that yawnsome. Someone told us that a field tried to vomit itself to death while Pattinson was stood nearby.

And would you believe it, he’s actually realised that, once the Twilight saga ends, he could well be without a career as everyone is very likely to forget he exists.

Kristen Stewarts Hints That Her Boyfriend Might Be The Boring As Hell Robert Pattinson

October 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Are we about to enter a glorious period in human history where we actually find out who Kristen Stewart has been swapping bodily fluids with?! Even though we all assumed it was Robert Pattinson?!

HAVE YOU MANAGED TO STAY AWAKE?

For those now propping their eyelids up with matchsticks, you’ll be fizzing at the gusset to learn that Twilight Kristew (we still do this abbreviating thing don’t we?) has finally admitted something to us after years of being to dull to listen to! She’s FINALLY revealed: “My boyfriend is English.”

Oh god! We can barely take it!

Bruno Mars To Ensure That Twilight Breaking Dawn Will Be Most Hateful Film Ever Made

September 28th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

What’s worse than faux-broody simpering glittercock vampires? Bruno Mars, that’s what. He’s far, far worse. He’s magnolia emulsion personified. He’s about four inches tall with three feet of hair and has answered the question nobody wanted answering: Who is the next Jack Johnson?

And thanks to fate being more cruel than a clone army of Mugabes, somehow both of these shuddering worlds of colostomy have collided.

That’s right – the Twilight Breaking Dawn (Part 1) soundtrack will be lead by Bruno Mars, complete with put on emoting and grotesque politeness, thinly masking his ghoulish contempt for the earholes of the world.

Katie Holmes: Slag Pumpkin

September 23rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?

No?

How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.

Robert Pattinson Won’t Be Making Our Ears Endure His Music, Mercifully

September 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

So-boring-that-the-concept-of-time-slows-around-his-tedious-frame Robert Pattinson, is a man loved by those who like to stare into the void. His hollow face exudes an air of nothingness, not seen since we got into a staring competition in a morgue.

Such is Pattz baffling popularity, there’s people who hang on his every yawn. No matter what he does, there’ll be those clambering to get at it and devour it like rabid toddlers with sharpened milk-teeth.

In fact, people are keen to digest things he’s not doing. The latest thing he isn’t doing is a record, and everyone can’t wait to not hear it!

Robert Pattinson Takes Kristen Stewart On Dull Tour Of Surrey

September 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Look! LOOK! Look at the faces of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart! Stare at them. Try and force the image to stay in your mind. You can’t, can you? You’ve forgotten what they look like already, even though you’re still staring at them!

Jesus H. Balls, these people are dull. They’re criminally dull. They’re so dull that they could have sex in the street and everyone would mistake them for a sleeping policeman.

Want proof? Robert Pattinson has taken Kristen Stewart on a date. A date in Barnes in Surrey. To a cafe. What a wretchedly tedious couple they are.