Yup, that Hilary Duff’s a hot piece of property at the moment, or at least she would be if we could work out what the point of her was. You know what Hilary Duff would be great in? A creatively-bankrupt revisiting of a TV series that everyone stopped liking about 18 months into its 10-year run almost 20 years ago.

What’s that? There’s a part going spare in the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off? Well that’s certainly very fortunate for both Hilary Duff and Beverly Hills 90210. Not so much for us, though – we think Beverly Hills 90210 is going to be shit and that Hilary Duff’s a wanker.

It’s probably easiest to think of Hilary Duff as a kind of proto Miley Cyrus, albeit one who didn’t tit around topless like an underage whore so much. Hilary Duff had the hit TV show, the CDs and the creepy murder-fetish stalker.

Trouble is, though, Hilary Duff is now 20, and in dog years that’s 93. Fortunately Hilary Duff isn’t a dog, so this isn’t relevant. But, unfortunately, one dog year is roughly equal to one washed-up tween hag year, and Hilary Duff is one of those. What’s a girl to do?

Well, Hilary Duff could continue churning out Lizzie McGuire shows and movies until she’s visibly middle-aged and not the least bit convincing (known in the trade as ‘pulling a Sabrina The Teenage Witch), but she won’t do that.

Otherwise Hilary Duff could rely on her newly-official sexiness to open up a few doors, but that tactic’s hampered by the fact that the only people who find Hilary Duff sexy are Austrian men who lock their children in the cellar and have sex with them.

So it’s just as well that the new Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off might have Hilary in its sights. Fox reports:

According to E! sources, Duff’s potential character is called Annie Mills. Annie is a Beverly Hills High student who is into theater acting, just like Shannen Doherty’s character, Brenda, was on the original show. She yearns to fit in with the alternative crowd and leans a lot on her adopted brother, Dixon. Both Duff’s publicist and The CW, which is expected to debut the “Beverly Hills” spin-off this fall, had no comment, according to the New York Daily News.

Why, that sounds delightful. But maybe Hilary Duff really is the thing that the new Beverly Hills 90210 needs – after all, hasn’t she always seemed destined to star in a show that looks dated within six weeks of filming and is only remembered by anyone so that non-Americans have a postcode to use when they want to access US-only stuff on the internet? Plus we shouldn’t forget that a big star like Hilary Duff will bring a huge audience to the show.

An audience of paedophiles, admittedly, but who’s counting?

Read more:

Report: Hilary Duff Offered Starring Role in ‘90210′ Remake – Fox

And by 'read it' we mean wrote it. And by that we mean we will write it soon. And by that we mean our nephew Ferdinand will scribble it down while we dictate. Our hands are withered and old. We can't even hold a pen.

But even if we do get our The Office spin-off prepped and ready – it'll have to settle for being next in line. A spin-off-spin-off if you will. That's because NBC just announced they've already got one gearing up for next season. 

Do you stay awake at night secretly hoping that Angela's cat didn't die in the freezer, but instead maybe it drifted slowly into cryostasis where it can be resuscitated once mankind has invented the proper microwave setting. Perhaps you want this because seeing Dwight cry into that little cherub statue left you feeling frazzled and gross. 

Or maybe you're more of an Oscar fan, and you'd like to see him realise his true feelings for Kevin – at least for an episode or two. Seriously – the tension there is driving us mad. While we're at it, perhaps you'd also like to see hecklerspray's mom allow us to move back in once she realises how sorry we are for yelling at her, and that in fact her meatloaf isn't always stupid and cold.

Please Mother, we're scared. You look so warm through the windows.

Well whatever The Office-related material you want to see, you may be getting a whole lot more of it – because it's getting a spin-off. Read For yourself:

"During Wednesday's annual upfront presentation of its fall schedule, NBC announced plans to air a spin-off of its Emmy-winning comedy The Office…While details about the spin-off are being kept under tight wraps, the show will hopefully take audiences on "another comic journey, complete with new faces and new locations, but with the same unique sense of humour and brand of quality from Daniels and his creative team. It's the next chapter of what viewers have come to know and love about 'The Office.'"

Thank you, eFluxMedia. And although NBC execs may be holding off on releasing major plot details, we have our suspicions as to the them. Creed moves to Miami and joins the local CSI program. Other Office cast members make cameos as dead bodies and what not. Also we find out that Creed's son was murdered years ago, and his was the one case he can never solve. Also he gets his own radio show with a bunch of people that are all just really funny and watchable. And David Spade.

Now that's good television.

Read More:

“Office Spin-Off On Super Bowl Sunday – G4

However, Beverly Hills 90210 shouldn't get used to holding that title, because a show that looks set to be even lamer has been announced – a modern-day Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off. 

That's right – the CW network is resurrecting Beverly Hills 90210, Frankenstein-style. However, the Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off doesn't have a cast or a writer yet – it only exists as an idea in the mind of a particularly evil television executive who we're hoping is quite tall. That way he'll be more likely to knock his head on a low ceiling beam and give himself some sweet sweet amnesia.

Spin-offs are never a particularly wonderful idea, as anyone with memories of Joey, Saved By The Bell: The College Years or the short-lived Knight Rider spin-off about KITT hilariously trying to raise an adorably ramshackle gang of endearingly dysfunctional multiracial adoptees will attest.

But worse than regular spin-offs are spin-offs from woefully vacuous 1990s shows about obscenely well-off la-di-da youngsters bimbling around Los Angeles in chinos and pikey stonewash denim jackets. But, despite our near-biblical warnings, some moron has decided to make a Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off anyway, as Reuters reports:

The CW network is developing a contemporary spinoff of Aaron Spelling's seminal 1990s teen soap "Beverly Hills, 90210," sources said. Details on the project — including which if any of the characters on the original series will make the transition to the spinoff — remain sketchy. The spinoff, which is close to getting a writer, has been put on the fast track by the network. It is expected to decide whether to order a pilot by the end of the month.

By the end of the month? These people are actually going to wait a full 19 days to give into the screaming in their heads and stabbing pain in their stomachs that they encounter when they even think of making a Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off?

Look, CW, we know it looks tempting. After all, none of the original Beverly Hills 90210 stars are doing much these days apart from crashing their cars and stealing other people's husbands, and giving employment to waifs and strays like them might make you feel good for a minute or two. But look at Melrose Place – that was a Beverly Hills 90210 spin-off so bad that the star might have sort of but not really tried to kill herself this week.

Do you want that on your conscience? Do you? Oh, what the hell, go and make the bloody show anyway – it's not like other networks are paying attention to the dangers of making awful spin-offs. Not only do we have the Family Guy Cleveland spin-off to look forward to this year, but Fox is also developing a spin-off from Prison Break set in an all-female prison. And if it thinks we're going to fall for the old 'lesbian jailbird' ruse again, well, it's sorely mistaken. Right boys?

Boys? Oh, for God's sake, pull your trousers back up boys. You're just embarrassing yourselves.

Read more: 

"90210" spinoff on fast track – Reuters 

Unless the spin-off of which you speak belongs to Cleveland Brown of Family Guy fame. He, apparently, is on the threshold of carrying his own show.

Family Guy, the show that occasionally battles the Simpsons, gets featured in video games and sometimes returns from the dead, is gonna be torn in two like an earth worm who's bottom half is getting it's own television spinoff.

Wikipedia is wise and knows all things, let us then consult it for further enlightenment on these matters:

"During a live broadcast of "Loveline," Seth MacFarlane announced that a spin-off featuring Cleveland was currently in the works with the studio and writers."

The Hollywood Reporter seems quite knowledgeable about the whole thing too:

"The project, tentatively titled "Cleveland," is being written by "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane, Mike Henry — who voices Cleveland and serves as writer-producer on the series — and "The Simpsons" alum Rich Appel, executive producer/showrunner on MacFarlane's other animated comedy for Fox, "American Dad.""

Now if we had our pick as to spin-offs we'd like to see, Mike Seaver's gym coach would take a low-paying job in California, thus having to move his entire giant family out there for weekly antics-galore. Also we'd have a show called Joey.

He'd move to California too.

Read More:

"Cleveland" On Map As "Family Guy" Spin-Off – Reuters