Spider-Man 4 - HecklerSpray

The New Spider-Man Is… Oh, Some Bloke

July 2nd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Face it, there needed to be a new Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire is in his mid-thirties now, so what could producers do?

Cover him in creepy make-up? Write a new age-appropriate Spider-Man film where Spider-Man spends two hours in Ikea than has an awkward conversation with a stranger about the traffic? Don’t be silly. There needed to be a new Spider-Man. And today, following months of speculation about Robert Pattinson and Aaron Johnson and Jamie Bell, the new Spider-Man has finally been revealed. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Spider-Man is…

Andrew Garfield! Or Alan Garfunkel! Or Alvin Guffpants! Or something! Basically it’s someone who you’ve never heard of. Get over it.

Robert Pattinson: Definitely Not The Funny-Haired New Spider-Man

January 15th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

This much we know – Spider-Man 4 will be a reboot, a brooding emotional drama aimed squarely at teenagers.

Hang on a minute. Brooding? Emotional? Teenagers? Are you thinking what the berserk, oestrogen-ravaged fringes of the internet are thinking? Are you thinking that Robert Pattinson would make a brilliant new Spider-Man?

Well, stop it. Contrary to some online reports, Robert Pattinson definitely isn’t going to play the lead in Spider-Man 4. But let’s not rule him out of the movie entirely – if the new producers decide to write a part for a wan, monotonous super villain with silly hair, a face like a sockful of conkers and the power to make teenage girls fail to spell simple words correctly on the internet, we’re sure he’ll be first to get the call.

Spider-Man 4: New Spider-Man To Be Even More Of A Whining Mimsy

January 12th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Watching the evolution between Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3, it was pretty clear what Spider-Man 4 would include.

There’d be about 400 baddies, for starters. And it’d be up to 17 hours long. And it’d be a musical. And all of Spider-Man’s emotions would be signposted by a change of haircut. And Kirsten Dunst would have completed her transformation from busty pin-up to Otzi The Iceman in a ginger wig. And, needless to say, it’d be worse than terrible. Yes, Spider-Man 4 was more or less a done deal.

But not any more. Sony has just decided to bin Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst and start Spider-Man 4 from scratch as a gritty teenage drama in a move rumoured to have the codename ‘Project Let’s Try And Make Something Even Worse Than Spider-Man 3‘.

Spider-Man 4 To Also Be Catwoman 2, As Villains Go

November 10th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Things are about to get awkward down at the Hall of Justice.

Not only does everyone have to pretend not to notice the strange sexual tension between the Wonder Twins, but Apache Chief has taco farts and the rec room’s been cleared out.

And on top of that -?somehow Spider-Man‘s started to date Catwoman and now Batman spends his waking hours crying into a couch cushion. Heroes have feelings too, you know.

Now before any super-nerds start balking about colliding universes, let us state we know Spider-Man and Catwoman could never be together.

Sam Raimi on the other hand…

Spider-Man 4 To Be Written By A Thundering Intellectual

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Fact: Spider-Man 3 was stupid – so stupid that if you put a hot iron in its hand and made a telephone noise it’d burn its own ear off.

But don’t think that Sam Raimi hasn’t learnt his lesson. He’s decided to make Spider-Man 4 intimidatingly cerebral in its complex exploration of themes like Oedipal desire, quantum immortality and the ethical ambiguity of human interpretations of good and evil.

Well, that’s what we assume, anyway. It’s been announced that the script for Spider-Man 4 will be penned by Pulitzer Prize winning playwright David Lindsay-Abaire. Great! We loved his play Rabbit Hole – especially the scene where, after wrestling with grief following the accidental death of her four-year-old son, the lead character dances the Twist with Kirsten Dunst, cooks some eggs and then pulls a funny face.

Spider-Man 4 & 5: Kirsten Dunst Checks Out?

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If the failings of Spider-Man 3 could be summed up in two words, they’d be ‘Kirsten Dunst’ – five words and it’d be ‘Kirsten Dunst and everything else.’

So imagine what the forthcoming Spider-Man 4 and Spider-Man 5 movies would be like without Kirsten Dust’s anemic wailing and egg-based dance routines. You’re imagining they’d be quite good, aren’t you. Well, you’re in luck, because Spider-Man director Sam Raimi is giving off the impression that Kirsten Dunst won’t feature in either of the two new movies.

Actually, we should be a bit more accurate – Sam Raimi implied that Kirsten Dunst’s character Mary-Jane wouldn’t be in the new Spider-Man movies. He also hinted that one of the new Spider-Man villains could be a vicious scaly reptilian humanoid, though, so if that doesn’t warrant a callback for Kirsten Dunst then nothing will.

WEBTHUMP!

August 6th, 2012 By Stuart Heritage

The internet in digest form. But with less pornography, sadly.

5 – Busuu.com – it’s like Facebook but you learn a new language doing it rather than get publicly ridiculed for the way you’re beginning to resemble members of bad 1990s American jam bands. So it’s better – Busuu

4 – It’s a hamster that looks like a cake. And it looks delicious, which is probably counterproductive – Gawker

3 – The hecklerspray IT department in full force

2 – Known Gary Glitter Aliases. From The Onion, so just as funny as you’d expect – The Onion

Spider-Man 4 Coming To Ruin Your 2011

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

There are sequels that nobody wants to see and then there are sequels that nobody wants to see – and Spider-Man 4 is one of those sequels.

Despite Tobey Maguire not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4, Sam Raimi not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4 and an entire planet of people who've had enough time and money stolen already not wanting to see Spider-Man 4, Producer Laura Ziskin has announced that Spider-Man 4 will be released in May 2011.

Awful news, we know. But on the plus side Spider-Man 4 can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3 – that is unless someone decides to give Spider-Man a crime-fighting Scrappy-Doo style son and they go into space together to save the world from global warming and… no, wait, then it'd still be better than Spider-Man 3. No omelette scenes, you see.