2011 appears to be the year of the big budget comic book movie. When it comes to adaptations of graphic novels, we’re being spoiled rotten right now.
Marvel’s first avenger, Captain America has just hit cinemas worldwide, Green Lantern… well, it happened didn’t it… and we’ve been given 3 brand spanking new teaser trailers to salivate over.
New offerings from Batman, Spiderman and The Avengers may well be due soon, but one hero currently not donning his tightest pants in preparation to be thrust back into the spotlight like some weird pervert is Superman.
Do you remember when Facebook had groups that you could join, before they introduced the concept of pages that you could, ‘like?’
Well, back when there were groups, a lot of people used to set up groups with titles such as, “If 1,000,000 people join this group my wife will let me name our first born child Spider Man.”
Seriously, talk about a missed opportunity. Apparently Martin Sheen will play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot.
Martin Sheen. Old man West Wing president Martin Sheen. What’s the point in that? Hopefully the reports we read were wrong, and it’s actually Charlie Sheen who’d been signed to play Uncle Ben in the Spider-Man reboot. Because, admit it, that would be incredible – especially when he came to say the line “With great power comes great responsi… WHERE’S MY WALLET? WAARRRGH! IT WAS FULL OF ALL MY COCAINE! I’LL KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES AND THEN KILL ALL OF YOU! BLEEURAAARGH! Oh man, I’m so hammered right now.”
But, no, fine, why don’t you just cast Martin Sheen instead? You absolute morons. Sheesh.
Face it, there needed to be a new Spider-Man. Tobey Maguire is in his mid-thirties now, so what could producers do?
Cover him in creepy make-up? Write a new age-appropriate Spider-Man film where Spider-Man spends two hours in Ikea than has an awkward conversation with a stranger about the traffic? Don’t be silly. There needed to be a new Spider-Man. And today, following months of speculation about Robert Pattinson and Aaron Johnson and Jamie Bell, the new Spider-Man has finally been revealed. Ladies and gentlemen, your new Spider-Man is…
Andrew Garfield! Or Alan Garfunkel! Or Alvin Guffpants! Or something! Basically it’s someone who you’ve never heard of. Get over it.
Spider-Man reboot(with an awful third film, awful MJ, awful CGI and awfully long running times, they should return to the clean, simple Nicholas Hammond way of doing things)
North Face’s sales figures (their jackets are worn by every newsreader doing an outside broadcast during this big freeze. Always nice to see some individualism)
Cinema vouchers (the sort of useful present no-one ever buys us for Christmas. Instead we get Lynx; Lynx and truffles from Aldi. So we’ll be fat and smell like a white van man)
Creased:
Binge drinking (it’s not big, it’s not clever and you’ll probably piss yourself)
This much we know - Spider-Man 4 will be a reboot, a brooding emotional drama aimed squarely at teenagers.
Hang on a minute. Brooding? Emotional? Teenagers? Are you thinking what the berserk, oestrogen-ravaged fringes of the internet are thinking? Are you thinking that Robert Pattinson would make a brilliant new Spider-Man?
Well, stop it. Contrary to some online reports, Robert Pattinson definitely isn’t going to play the lead in Spider-Man 4. But let’s not rule him out of the movie entirely – if the new producers decide to write a part for a wan, monotonous super villain with silly hair, a face like a sockful of conkers and the power to make teenage girls fail to spell simple words correctly on the internet, we’re sure he’ll be first to get the call.
Watching the evolution between Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3, it was pretty clear what Spider-Man 4 would include.
There’d be about 400 baddies, for starters. And it’d be up to 17 hours long. And it’d be a musical. And all of Spider-Man’s emotions would be signposted by a change of haircut. And Kirsten Dunst would have completed her transformation from busty pin-up to Otzi The Iceman in a ginger wig. And, needless to say, it’d be worse than terrible. Yes, Spider-Man 4 was more or less a done deal.
But not any more. Sony has just decided to bin Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst and start Spider-Man 4 from scratch as a gritty teenage drama in a move rumoured to have the codename ‘Project Let’s Try And Make Something Even Worse Than Spider-Man 3‘.
You heard it once and thought it was a good joke; you heard it again and thought it was a bad joke, and now it’s true.
The U2 Spider-Man musical is happening. Despite being the weirdest thing ever been announced, the Spider-Man Broadway musical – with music by U2′s Bono and The Edge – will open in New York next January.
That’s right – the Spider-Man musical is by Bono and The Edge. But don’t worry about the other two – Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr will be debuting their new Condorman musical next February outside the Basingstoke branch of Clinton’s Cards. At 4am. Drunk.
2011 appears to be the year of the big budget comic book movie. When it comes to adaptations of graphic novels, we’re being spoiled rotten right now.
Do you remember when Facebook had groups that you could join, before they introduced the concept of pages that you could, ‘like?’
Don’t walk 500 miles, take a train.
This much we know - Spider-Man 4 will be a reboot, a brooding emotional drama aimed squarely at teenagers.
Watching the evolution between Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3, it was pretty clear what Spider-Man 4 would include.
