When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.

Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.

There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there’s always Plan B – giving The Spice Girls some work again.

Last year, the majority of people were suitably impressed when Beijing opened the Olympics. They had fireworks, people doing all sorts of dances and had funky signs with writing that looked the same as to the ones you see on takeaway menus. According to trusty Wikipedia, the host nation is meant to present artistic displays of music, singing, dance, and theatre representative of its culture. Or, strictly speaking, you’re meant to outdo the previous city and make them look crap.

So when we think of London, what comes to mind? Jellied eels, EastEnders, rats, the London Underground and the fact that a can of Coke costing 40p in Blackburn would be 90p in our dear capital. But where does that leave us? No-one is suggesting that we round a group of people, dress them as tube stations and do some wacky dance. That would be silly. And like the London Underground, it’d end up being too hot, delayed and then aborted completely when a breakaway faction of the Jubilee line inevitably decides to go on strike midway through.

But what about the legacy of British music? After all there have been some legendary bands that this country has produced. Sadly though a lot of them can’t make the ceremony for various reasons. The Beatles have half of their members missing, Queen are rubbish without Freddie Mercury, any plans for Oasis were scuppered when the Gallagher brothers both fell into a terminal sulk, Blur are too busy making cheese and Radiohead might just depress everyone into going home.

Hold on a second though! What’s that in the distance? We can just about hear the squeals of five ageing women telling us what they really really want. It’s not a Botox injection or a chance to write a crap book, they want to open the Olympics. That’s right kids; media man Simon Fuller claims that The Spice Girls are one of the best loved in history, and he wants them at the Olympics. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, he said:

“Demand for the Spice Girls remained high. They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance.”

Do we really want to see 40-year-old women warbling away to their old songs again? If so, then probably is what the UK is culturally all about. Seeing women out on the town who still think they’re young and relevant.

Go London 2012!

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9 - And the award for worst woman in the entire world goes to… Mosnews

8 - Several reasons why you shouldn’t name a year in your futuristic movie – io9

7 – Two Spice Girls looking ridiculously happy to be inside a car – Popsugar

6 -10 things your Dad should have told you - Asylum

5 – Scarlett Johansson’s got a new album coming out, and for the life of us we can’t work out if that’s a good thing or not – PopEater

4 - Oh great, another reason to be fearful of caterpillars - Dailymail

3 - GLOWING MONKEYS! – Wired

2 - Rubbish characters from fighting games - Toplessrobot

1 - This is good. More like this, please…

Apart from hecklerspray’s snazzy new makeover which will no doubt implode into a catastrophic mess of bile and tears, there hasn’t been much to look forward to lately.

Think about it, everyone has either read the spoilers online for Lost or had a moronic friend tell them what’s happened.

The only things worth happening are events we have to all pray for. Such as Bono losing his voice and Jordan being abducted by aliens. Something we hadn’t banked on happening was former Spice Girl and professional twiglet Victoria Beckham quitting music. And she says it’s forever!

During the mid-nineties, Britain had to primarily deal with the craze known as girl power. You couldn’t quite pick up a packet of girl power from the newsagent and swap it with your friends – instead it was seemingly forced down your throat every time you switched on the radio or TV.

Every girl could apparently relate to one of the five Spice Girls. They didn’t come in the form of cinnamon, dill, saffron, sage and pepper, though – they came labelled as something that matched their personality. Thus, Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger and Posh were all unleashed on the world.

Ironically, when the group split, Victoria was the most famous out of the lot. Thanks to scoring with David Beckham, who is quite handy with a football, her profile was dramatically elevated from ‘gormless hack’ to ‘gormless trophy wife’.

With all five members left with nothing to do, this subsequently spawned five terrible solo careers. Amazingly, none of the Spice Girls are still belting out hit after hit. That’s why we now rely on Simon Cowell to bring us disposable popstars to be vaguely interested in for a year or so. Anyone remember Leon Jackson?

Victoria Beckham unleashed the truly awful single Out Of Your Mind with the equally gash Dane Bowers. Despite a stupidly huge marketing campaign, it failed to reach number one and had to settle for number two. History kindly repeated itself when Kylie beat her to number one when Victoria released the single Not Such An Innocent Girl.

Clearly taking the hint, the singing career has been shelved but not completely confirmed as dead and thankfully buried. Thankfully we can all crack open the bottles of Blue Nun we’ve left gathering dust and enjoy a platter of pineapple and sausages on sticks. Victoria has issued the following statement:

“I’m never going to sing again. I am a fashion designer now.”

Yessssssssssssss! With that news, hopefully more piss poor artists will follow soon. Does anyone have the numbers of Daniel Bedingfield and Craig David? They’re long overdue to enter the musical cemetery and are just avoiding their place alongside Steps and All Saints.

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Instead, it’s to eradicate all the reunion bands of the face of the earth. Because, let's face it, once was bad enough – a second helping of nostalgic pop is definitely too much to handle. We are pleased to say that one such band who reformed have decided to call it a day. Again. You can now safely go around your daily business quite happily knowing that The Spice Girls aren’t going to potentially gig in your city.

That's correct – following news that the Spice Girls are cutting their world tour short because they hate each other, Geri Halliwell has said that they'll never reform again. Ever.

Some people said that The Spice Girls only reunited to only make some money and elevate themselves for other work. Frankly we were appalled when these harsh accusations were dished out. Of course Mel B doesn’t need to prove she’s more than just another mother to baby-machine Eddie Murphy, Victoria Beckham surely doesn’t have to prove she has some sort of talent hidden away somewhere despite being married to D-Beck and living off his wealth and success. On the other hand Geri Halliwell needs to get some normality back in to her life after scarring her child for life with a stupid name. Emma Bunton and Mel C, on the other hand, just really need to remind people that they exist and haven’t buggered off to live on the Isle of Man. 

We would have thought each of the girl’s successful solo pop careers would have seen them running to the bank for years to come. Oh wait, we said 'successful'. Something must have gone tits up along the way. Horrible cover versions, crap attempts at rapping and gormless attempts at complicated dance moves weren’t enough to convince the public to buy into something naff and tacky. 

So last year, after pleas from world leaders, the green light was given for some gigs to go ahead. Of course, the reported millions of pounds each member would get for taking part had nothing to do with it. Definitely not. It was time to bring more watered-down feminism otherwise known as girl power, back to the masses. 

Even a new generation of fans were being roped in to the madness. Pudsey the bear asked the girls to record the song for Children In Need. This they did. Though we wish they hadn’t. Not only was the song utter shite, but the video didn’t have much to do with charity. If charity is your idea of five past-it women with not much clothing on trying to prance around, you have your video. Otherwise, you’d better look somewhere else.  

But now the journey has ended. The Spice Girls hate each other so much that they split up before their tour even ended, and each of the girls was hilariously quick to rush to a newspaper and claim it was all their idea. All except for Geri Halliwell, who decided to show some dignity and not discuss the split with anyone. Ahem:

“This is the last time you will ever get to see this 'Girl Power', the five Spices on the stage as one… If you had asked me 10 years ago whether there'd ever be a Spice Girls reunion concert, I'd have gone, 'No f*cking way!” 

But that was ten years ago, long before each member realised the public would rather die than buy any of their solo stuff.

Read more: 

Spice Girls Over?  – Yahoo

And now for the bad news – the Spice Girls split means we're going to have to put up with five cack-handed Spice Girls solo careers again instead of one big group career that's easy to ignore.

Which we suppose means that we'll never hear from Geri Halliwell again. Maybe this is for the best after all.

According to the Spice Girls, friendship never ends. But we've learnt not to listen to the Spice Girls since Spice Up Your Life urged us to "slam it to the left if you're having a good time" – an instruction that resulted in a loss of blood, dignity and one long-term girlfriend while incurring us a hefty bill from a top hospital's penile trauma clinic.

Perhaps the Spice Girls should have chosen to call their last single Headlines (Friendship Does End, Actually, Probably Even Before The End Of The Tour) because that's much closer to the truth. The Spice Girls are splitting up again, and they're so keen to do it that they're even cutting their world tour short. According to MTV:

The Spice Girls have split up for a second time with rumours that it’s due to the group arguing. The band have cited ‘family commitments’ for the cancellation of tour dates in China, Sydney, South America and South Africa. Due to the group’s fractious past it’s unsurprising fans think they’ve been arguing. According to one press report Mel C and Mel B were behind the split telling the other three: “We’ve had enough.” However in another weekend news story Posh Spice told the News Of The World: “I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm not in the music industry any more. I'm in the fashion industry.”

It's not really a surprise to be honest – the Spice Girls comeback wasn't as brilliant as anyone had hoped. Their single was a flop, they performed in half-empty arenas across America, Emma Bunton knackered her leg and the Spice Girls Tesco adverts were so brain-crampingly terrible that we're pretty sure they made us cry cerebrospinal fluid once.

The last Spice Girls concert will be later this month in Toronto, and then that'll be it. Each of the girls is at least £10 million richer and can go home knowing that they'll have to write four less Christmas cards come December. But what will each of the Spice Girls do following the split?

Well, Victoria Beckham has fashion career to take care of, which we think basically involves waddling around after Katie Holmes a lot and not eating. Mel B needs to have sex with her husband more, because her schedule says that he should have knocked her up and left her by now. Geri Halliwell has that children's book to work on, unless she ditched it because all that writing got in the way of only ever talking about herself all the time. Emma Bunton has a baby to look after. And Mel C?

Well, those houses aren't going to roof themselves, are they?

Read more:

Spice Girls Split - MTV 

But somehow, despite all that, the Spice Girls have managed to make £10 million from their string of concerts at the O2. That's £10 million each, by the way.

And if we were the Spice Girls' accountants, we'd recommend that they should be prudent with this new windfall because, treated sensibly, it could be enough for them to never work again. Basically, we want the Spice Girls to never work again. 

Remember when Prince did his 21-night stint at the O2 last year, and how it was such a major talking point that The Times reviewed every single one of the concerts? And remember when Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 and some old men playing slightly dull blues jams became the biggest story in the world?

Yeah, none of that's really happened for the Spice Girls – after the much-hyped Spice Girls comeback was announced, it all went south a bit quickly. Their comeback charity single Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) did so poorly that the condition of underprivileged children actually declined because of its failure, each of them using their sickly breath to shout "Curse you, Spice Girls, for not coming up with something with a bit more zip!"

And then the Spice Girls Greatest Hits album sank without a trace. In fact, we got the feeling that the enduring legacy of the Spice Girls reunion would be that Tesco advert, where Victoria Beckham speaks like she's just been to a particularly vicious dentist.

But no. Because – between knackering their ankles and whoring out their children – it turns out that the Spice Girls' 17-night residency at the O2 has been so financially successful that we're semi-considering kidnapping Geri Halliwell and taking her place in a ginger wig and some drawn-on abdominal muscles.

Apparently, according to The Times, the Spice Girls have made £10 million each from their O2 residency. Each:

An O2 Centre source said the five – Emma Bunton, Mel B, Mel C, Geri Halliwell and Victoria Beckham – have made £50 million between them. That eclipses any other star who has performed at the venue.

"Barbra Streisand had high ticket prices, but only did three nights, while Prince did 21 nights but sold tickets for next to nothing. Not many groups can sell out 17 gigs at £75 a ticket, it's quite an achievement."

So what do the Spice Girls do now? Although the sensible option would be to go home and live modestly off the interest without working for the rest of their lives, perhaps the Spice Girls will now try to string out their comeback tour for a few years, until they earn enough money to buy themselves a nice subcontinent somewhere.

That's not what'll happen though – between performing to crowds of adoring fans and looking at their newly-plumped bank balances, you can guarantee that each of the Spice Girls are thinking "screw these other bitches, the crowd really loves me!" – and that obviously means that another ego-based messy break-up is on the cards, followed quickly by five reinvigorated, splutteringly pointless solo careers that will quickly sink without a trace.

So we all win, really.

Read more:

Spice Girls make '£10m each' from 02 concerts – Times 

During their performance of Mama at the O2 arena in London on Tuesday night, it's been reported that most of the Spice Girls brought their children onstage to say hello to the thousands of buyerless eBay touts who make up their audience these days. In the middle of the song Victoria Beckham, Mel B and Emma Bunton all brought their kids out on stage. In fact, the only Spice Girl mother not to introduce her child to the audience was Geri Halliwell, for fear that the effect of 20,000 people all derisively going "pffft" at the same time after hearing the name Bluebell Madonna would knock over a lighting rig or flip the stage upside down or something.

Now that The Spice Girls world tour has hit its absurdly long residency at London's O2 arena, the girls can put all their troubles behind them. They don't have to worry about gimmicky sales promotions or appalling Tesco adverts, tanking comeback singles or half-sold concerts, because they're in London, and everyone in London loves the Spice Girls.

These London concerts mean so much to the Spice Girls that not even Emma Bunton's buggered-up ankle can stop the girls doing what they love best – tightly grinning through their reported inter-group rucks and performing the same decade-old songs in exactly the same way night after night after night. Except for Tuesday night, that is, when the Spice Girls planned something slightly different.

According to reports, the Spice Girls brought their children onstage during their performance of Mama. It was a joyous moment for sure – you'd need to have a heart as cold as ice not to well up at the sight of six frightened children being hauled in front of tens of thousands of hysterically-screaming strangers by their oddly-dressed mothers. The Press Association reports:

Victoria Beckham decked out her boys, Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz in matching T-shirts emblazoned with the words 'POSH'. Baby Spice Emma Bunton cuddled four-month-old son Beau, while Mel B brought along daughters Phoenix Chi and Angel Iris. The children wore bright green ear muffs to protect them against the noise. Geri Halliwell's daughter Bluebell was the only Spice offspring missing.

For what it's worth, Mel C couldn't bring any children onstage because she hasn't had any yet. But don't be sad, because she doesn't need children – she's got her pet cats, which are almost like babies in the sense that she dresses them up as babies, makes them sleep in cots, constantly tries to enrol them in local nursery schools, carries them around in a papoose, weens them on a diet of milk direct from her own breast and gets angry if you refer to them as cats instead of people.

Anyway, isn't it a weird song choice to bring the Spice Kids out on? Mama is a song that's all about how much the Spice Girls love their mothers, and by bringing their children out, surely the implication is that the Spice Girls are singing it to themselves. In fact, they might as well have just sung a song called The Spice Girls Are Brilliant – a statement that's at best wrong and at worst dangerous.

But that's just a minor quibble. Judging by the reaction that they got with their children, it seems as if audiences love watching the Spice Girls make literal displays of their songs like this. Hopefully it'll continue throughout their London residency – perhaps for Spice Up Your Life the girls can rub freshly-chopped chillies into their eyes or mace each other.

And the prospect of what they'd do during Stop is just too exciting to bear.

Read more:

Spice babies join 'Mamas' on stage - Press Association 

It's been reported that Emma Bunton – also known as Infantile Spice by her young fans – stacked it onstage during a Spice Girls show in Las Vegas and now she's in a cast. But don't you worry, London-based Spice Girls fans – Emma Bunton has vowed that by the time the Spice Girls' world tour hits London she'll have recovered completely, even if she has to spend 13 hours chewing off her bad leg – cauterising the wound with a red-hot travel iron as she goes – and replacing it with one big penny farthing wheel, a bit like those dogs who go round hospitals have. 

Yes, that's actually what Emma Bunton said.

No it isn't.

For all the fanfares and million-dollar sofa-designing contracts that the Spice Girls received when they announced their reunion, things haven't been going as well as expected. Their comeback single Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) is officially the worst-performing Children In Need single of all time – even overbearing cockney git Shane Ritchie did better with a cover of a Wham song – plus hardly a day goes by without seeing pictures of the Spice Girls performing to half-empty arenas. And the few who do turn up don't have anything more constructive to do than slag off Victoria Beckham.

Meanwhile Victoria Beckham is doing nothing to dispel those pregnancy rumours, Mel B has been called a lesbian and if we see that bloody Tesco advert one more time we're going to do a dirty protest right on top of the cheese counter. How could the Spice Girls' comeback get any worse?

Well Emma Bunton could fall over and bust up her ankle for a start.

Wait a minute, that's exactly what's happened. Yesterday the Spice Girls turned up at Los Angeles International Airport to unveil a new plane – called Spice One, presumably because it's always half-empty and a crowd of desperate touts try and sell you unwanted tickets for 10p in the departure lounge – and Emma Bunton turned up on crutches.

When asked why she was hobbling around like cartoon Victorian orphan, Emma offered the following explanation:

"I had a tumble on stage and unfortunately I have sprained my ankle, so I'm hobbling around on crutches. But I'm sure to make a speedy recovery and see you all at the O2."

A tumble on stage during a Spice Girls comeback concert? Well, there can't have been any witnesses so we'll have to accept that excuse as fact. But it does seem a little bit fishy – perhaps Geri Halliwell attacked Bunton's ankle with a ball-hammer one night out of jealousy that Emma has been on more dance-based reality TV shows than her. Maybe we'll never know.

But at least Emma has promised fans that she'll be back to her old self by the time the Spice Girls reunion train stops in London. It's a weight off our minds, that's for sure – the Spice Girls wouldn't be the Spice Girls without a semi-anonymous blonde woman dressed as a child standing at the back and mimbling her mousey backing vocals for a couple of words per song.

Read more:

Why's Em On Crutches? – Sky

But all of that can be consigned to the past, because the real money-making leg of the Spice Girls comeback kicked off last night – it was the first concert of the Spice Girls' reunion world tour in Vancouver. 16,000 screaming Spice Girls fans packed into General Motors Place to see Scary Spice, Baby Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice and Alarmingly Muscular Spice go through all their biggest hits, plus that new song that nobody bought. And according to early reviews, the Spice Girls comeback show is a hit, even though at one point it apparently featured The Sporty Spice Tribute To Lenny Kravitz In Association With The Sort Of Harrowing Bondage Gear That Will Make You Spend The Rest Of Your Life Shivering And Alone.

Pop reunions are a tricky thing to pull off, because the people who liked you first time round tend to have families and jobs and less time to cover every inch of their bedroom walls with posters of you in a wet open shirt with your nipple hanging out. That's why for every pop reunion success (Take That) there are a dozen hopeless failures (All Saints, East 17, Boyzone hopefully).

But the Spice Girls reunion could never fail. Sure, people haven't bought their comeback single in the volume that anyone wanted, their Victoria's Secret promotion looks a bit desperate, nobody in their right mind would buy any of the sofas that the Spice Girls designed for a million quid each, we can't understand a bloody word that Victoria Beckham is saying in the Spice Girls Tesco advert and we get the nagging feeling that they all actually hate each other, but that doesn't mean it will fail.

And that's been reflected in ticket sales for the Spice Girls' comeback world tour – most dates of which are all sold out, even though they all probably went to eBay touts who saw how badly Headlines (Friendship Never Ends) did in the charts and cursed themselves for not investing in Nintendo Wiis instead. 

The Spice Girls comeback tour is going to crawl around the world over the next three months, giving fans everywhere the chance to learn that Girl Power means singing decade-old songs to a bunch of overcharged nostalgia freaks while dressed in clothes that are slightly too young for you, and it all started last night in Vancouver. But how did it go?

Well, you'll be pleased to know that the Spice Girls have dropped the odd Dad's Army fixation that characterised their recent Victoria's Secret Fashion Show performance in favour of corsets and miniskirts and the inevitable Union Jack dresses, and the Globe And Mail seemed to enjoy it all – even the bit where Mel C dressed up as a gimp and sang Are You Gonna Go My Way – with the sole exception of anything Victoria Beckham did:

Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham… looked uncomfortable in her tightly-corseted outfits and carefully-coiffed hair (which she spent a fair amount of time clearing from her face). Her dance moves were stiff and at at least one point she started to sing a line before it was time (not that you could hear her; her voice is not very strong). 

But regardless of any mistakes that the Spice Girls made, they still managed to get 16,000 people to pay an average of about £85 to go and see them, and repeated for each or the 40 or so tour dates the group has announced so far that all adds up to an enormous amount of money for the girls.

Plus, British fans shouldn't worry too much about Victoria Beckham's apparent shoddy performing – it was first-night nerves, surely, and by the time the Spice Girls hit London later in the month she'll be able to churn out performances as numbly robotic as everyone expects her to.

Read more:

Spice Girls: Viva Vancouver - Globe And Mail 

And that's just as well, because last night that's exactly what they did. At the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in Hollywood last night, the world got its first taste of the full Spice Girls line-up singing live for almost a decade. And, weird World War II-inspired costumes aside, it seems as if the Spice Girls went down a storm and disappointed nobody. True, much of this was accomplished by the Spice Girls not stripping down to their Victoria's Secret underwear as a climax to the show – something that at least prevented everyone dying in that tidal wave of tears and vomit that we'd been anticipating.

There's nothing we can do to stop the Spice Girls comeback now, you know. After close to ten years of releasing solo albums to an increasingly apathetic world, getting knocked up by international footballers, international movie stars and the bloke out of Damage and failing to agree on a comeback more times that we could possibly care to count, the Spice Girls are back for a tour that starts in Los Angeles in 19 days' time before the girls zoom around the world shouting "Girl Power!" to groups of women in their early thirties who still don't really understand what it means – including a will-sapping 17-date residency at London's O2 arena.

But even if you can avoid the suffocating hype over the Spice Girls comeback tour, don't think that you'll escape that easily, either. You'll also have to contend with the Spice Girls Greatest Hits album, the unsettling new Spice Girls Children In Need video, the sofas that each of the Spice Girls are designing for a million quid a pop and the new Spice Girls Tesco advert, where Victoria Beckham gets to debut her highly-anticipated new acting style which involves yammering like a woman with a dangerously swollen tongue after visiting the world's angriest, most anesthetically-overzealous dentist.

And then there's Victoria's Secret. The Spice Girls have already agreed to only sell their Greatest Hits CD through Victoria's Secret in America, but last night saw part two of their nefarious lingerie-based masterplan take shape, as the girls performed at the televised Victoria's Secret Fashion Show at the Hollywood Kodak theatre.

Originally set to be headlined by Kanye West – who understandably pulled out after learning of his mother's death – the fashion show saw performances from will.i.am and a surely expectation-lowering duet between Seal and Heidi Klum. And then came the Spice Girls, enrapturing celebrity guests like Enrique Iglesias, Eva Longoria, Hilary Duff and Slash out of Guns N' Roses. In all, the Spice Girls performed Stop and new single Headlines while dressed as wartime floozies – and they apparently impressed Ryan Seacrest enough for him to declare:

"I'm in love with Victoria Beckham, which is probably an issue for David. They could have stood there and done nothing and I'd have been happy."

Having seen her in the Tesco advert, we expect that Victoria Beckham shot back with a well-timed:

"Blurbyblurblyblub blubbity-blub blub? BLUB!"

So consider the wheels of the Spice Girls comeback well and truly set in motion, and there's nothing any of us can do about it, except pray that part three of the Spice Girls' endorsement with Victoria's Secret doesn't involve a bras-out photo shoot. Honestly, we've already seen enough of Geri Halliwell to last us a lifetime. 

Children In Need makes raising money fun and leaves you with a genuine feeling that you’re doing something good. From having a bath in baked beans or doing a sponsored bungee jump, it’s all about having a good time. And it gives your mates the chance to laugh at you. This comes in contrast to people begging for your bank details for donations in rainy shopping city centres on your lunch break. Alongside a nationwide drive to raise money, there’s also a charity single. Shane Richie, Girls Aloud and S Club 7 have all done it before. It’s usually a sweet and innocent affair with a nice cuddly song and video. But this year, they've let the Spice Girls do it. In hardly any clothes.

It’s enough to make Pudsey go blind in the other eye.

Annoyingly, the Spice Girls had constantly threatened a come back for a number of years. First they would and then they wouldn’t. Various members of the so called band would say yes and others no. Even Nelson Mandela called for peace in the hostile situation and wanted to help cement their reformation. Sadly Buddha, Yoda, Bono and Kofi Annan weren’t available to join in the rally for them to get back together. 

In the time between The Spice Girls splitting and them coming as one irritating voice again, a lot had happened in their lives. All of the girls had released solo singles which to an extent were successful. A lot of them got married. Many of them got pregnant and invented some genuinely godawful names for their kids. We can all agree that the Spice Girls apart weren't very god. But now the Spice Girls are back together.

With a few gigs lined up, the Spice Girls are set to make a mint and with a rubbish-looking Best Of cash-in album out it’s a sure way of conjuring up something out of nothing. So using a charity event as a potentially career-boosting opportunity does come across a bit dodgy. But, whatever the ethics behind the decision, the Spice Girls have made their comeback single Headlines, and given it a video that's either a misplaced stab at 'sexy' or a heartbreaking essay on the agony of the human ageing process…

Really, is there any need to see the Spice Girls ponce around in so little clothing? No not really, and quite frankly we don’t want to see Geri Halliwell's bulging ribs at all, in case we come home from the pub on Friday, see the video on Children In Need, mistake it for a charity-drive campaign for little girls with premature ageing syndrome and donate all of our worldly possessions. Geri – either put some weight on before trying to look sexy or just put some clothes on.

With the whole point of the campaign aiming to help people who are in a pretty shit way, it would have maybe been more appropriate for them to perhaps visit somewhere where Children In Need money has been spent for the video? We don’t know, maybe seeing some better housing for kids or a youth club to keep children entertained after school? Hecklerspray mustn’t be on the same wave length.  

Instead of buying this rubbish single to do our bit for charity before using it as a drinks coaster, we think we might just sponsor someone doing genuine to raise money. Paying for footage of some old ladies wriggling around like they're in some sort of dodgy clothes-on porn film is just not our way of raising money for a worthy cause.

OK, well there was that one time…