Run! Hide! Duck for cover! Geri Halliwell’s womb is on the prowl and it demands that one of you penis owning plebs puts some swimmers up there to enable her to have a baby, which she’ll cradle and whisper sinisterly to it ’til it runs away from home aged 15.

See, Ginger Spice has split up from boyfriend Henry Beckwith because of his partying lifestyle. Beckwith wants to party like it’s 1999 and Geri wants to sit down like it’s 1957.

And because they were both stuck in different years, the ‘singer’ decided to end their two year relationship. She wants babies. He wants Babycham. It wasn’t ever going to work was it?

Beckwith has an aristocratic name, which is handy because he is indeed a stinking blueblood. For a man who loves to par-tay (he probably says that and not in an ironic way), he was noticeably absent from Geri’s 39th (who is she kidding?) birthday shindig over the weekend, and it appears that it’s all over.

How will we cope? A source, joining in the misery, says:

“Geri came to the realisation that things weren’t going to work with Henry. The age gap meant he had a wandering eye when it came to other women and he was interested in partying. She doesn’t trust him.”

So Beckwith wants sex, fast and loose and Geri wants a brother or sister for four year old daughter Bluebell Madonna, who has the most unfortunate name indeed.

Geri has said in the past:

“I do love being a mum, although I have to say I feel like I am more in my element now that Bluebell is a bit older. I’m enjoying this stage more than the baby part of it because I can interact with Bluebell. It’s great having a daughter.”

See? Babies are rubbish. Todders are king.

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This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.

No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.

And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.

It goes without saying that Harper Seven is just the latest in a long line of stupid names for a sleb offspring. Jason Lee’s stupid child is called Pilot Inspektor, Jermaine Jackson hilariously named his kid Jermajesty and Sly Stallone takes the biscuit with the impressively awful Sage Moonblood, which sounds like the sort of nonsense that Charlie Sheen might come up with. And we all know about Zappa’s kids but you get the impression he gave them daft names on purpose.

In a statement on his Facebook page, the footballing half of the duo said:

“I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham.

“She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx.”

So, that’s David and Victoria heading up a household which also stars Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper. Sounds like a collection of air fresheners. Bad air fresheners at that.

But why Harper Seven? Well, seven was David’s number when he played for Manchester United and England and… well… Harper… you imagine Victoria simply looked around and gawped at her vapid life and saw a copy of Harper’s Bizarre on the coffee table and *BING* a baby was christened.

Slightly better than calling it Take A Break we suppose.

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Victoria Beckham is having a baby and we’re supposed to give a flying fuck. No, we are. See, even though we won’t ever meet her, like anything she does or indeed, show even the vaguest flicker of interest in her vapid life, we must greet her new child with ticker tape. And hand grenades if you like.

We just don’t care.

We also don’t care that Posh Spice, which we’ll call her because it invariably irritates her, has asked stupid Eva Longoria to be the Godmother of her unborn daughter. A daughter that will, like all newborn babies, will look like a cross between a glans and a close-up of a tick.

Of course, we’re supposed to replace our own hopes and aspirations with Victoria’s need to have a female baby hacked out of her by a surgeon (you don’t think she’s actually willing to push the thing out do you?), and we must thank our lucky stars that she will be having a little girl, which she’ll parade around in a variety of expensive clothes like a chihuahua.

A friend of the couple – who already some stupid children with stupid names – said:

“Victoria ran it past David and they both want Eva. She’s extremely honoured.”

Not surprising really as Longoria’s life is now completely devoid of any joy after she got divorced from basketball star Tony Parker.

That’d be the Tony Parker who had a mobile phone filled with messages that saw Eva concluding that he’d been having it off with someone else, leaving her to announce the split via twitter, making Phil Collins’ Divorce By Fax’ look rather charming.

Monster.

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When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.

At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.

And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!

Like girls who sync their periods when in close proximity, the Spice Girls have unfathomably all becoming pregnant at the same time (well, everyone except from Geri and Sporty Spice who can’t find anyone who will willingly have sex with them).

This leads us to think that they’ve done it on purpose so that, in 15 year’s time, they can force their unfortunate offspring into being in a band called Revenge Of The Spice Girls.

Anyway. The snubs (a great name for a band that). Preggo Mel B has folded her arms and loudly given Victoria Beckham the silent treatment in a Twitter message.

Mel B announced her pregnancy to the world earlier this week, reminding everyone that she once had it off with Eddie Murphy in what must have been the ugliest sex ever. This baby doesn’t belong to Murphy, but rather, some dude called Stephen Belafonte who we couldn’t care less about.

And so, Peach Mel B promptly went about thanking everyone that isn’t Posh Spice for their words of encouragement about the fact her womb works.

‘Ahh big thanks to my spice girls mel c, geri and emma for all the baby well wishes! Love you! Xxxxx’

Speaking to Hello!, the former leopard print fan said:

‘We’re really excited. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four years to have a baby if we weren’t really excited about it and ready for it, even though you can never really be truly ready’

She then stabbed a crude wax figurine of Victoria Beckham directly through the heart with a hot cleaver.

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For most singers, starting off your pop career in front of creepy Louis Walsh, Geri ‘I will kill you in your sleep’ Halliwell and a mentally masturbating Pete Waterman, would be professional suicide and probably quite traumatic, but for Sarah Harding the rest of Girls Aloud it actually worked out pretty well for them.

They wore some make-up, made some not-too-terrible pop tunes and gave a generation of drooling men another reason to work their palms with an uncontrollable fervour.

Until one day they decided to concentrate on other important and exciting projects like getting divorced, making pasty make-up for pasty girls and of course falling out of nightclubs, absolutely slaughtered.

Sarah Harding was always the best at this and when she wasn’t shoving her boob filled bra in our faces she was brilliant and being all ‘lairy’ and applying fake tan with her eyes closed.

Then one day she decided to sober up, dye her hair black and marry that DJ fella Tom Crane for reasons we couldn’t care less about. Love or something.

He said:

‘I pulled the ring out of my pocket, which I was amazed she hadn’t spotted because it was in a big old box – got on one knee and asked her to marry me’

Insert ‘is that a ring in your pocket’ or do you just have a really oddly shaped DJ penis? joke here.

So everyone came to the gothic themed party, apparently inspired by that rubbish  Black Swan film, where no-one was actually remotely gothic. Or swanny. Or psychotic. And even Cheryl Cole didn’t bother her arse to turn up and look bored or go on about her divorce again.

Hmph.

For the love of god, someone buy that woman some peroxide and a pint of gin.

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Remember the Spice Girls? Of course you do! They had roughly three half decent pop songs, with the rest being derivative, throwaway trash. Each member had their own unique personality trait foisted upon them, which of course, slowly dissolved to reveal personalities often far uglier.

There was Scary Spice, who became Vaguely Controlling, Eddie Murphy Humping Spice. There was Posh Spice who, bafflingly, because the most famous of the lot, despite turning into Boring But Frequently Photographed Spice. Then there was Sporty Spice who became Seems Like She’s The Most Personable Spice Despite Doing A Song With Bryan Bloody Adams. And Baby Spice who briefly became Attractive Spice In That Video Where She Wore A Gingham Shirt before settling on Myleene Klass Spice Who Sits On A Judging Panel For An Ice Skating Show Despite Having No Experience In Said Sport. Finally, there’s Ginger Spice who became Terrifyingly Unhinged Spice.

Seriously. Geri Halliwell is more frightening than Lucy from Take Me Out. And she’s involved in something of a spat with the rest of the Spice Girls over unreleased material.

Of course, arguments over unreleased material mean only one thing: Someone is trying to release it into the wild on a public who, frankly, don’t deserve such misfortune.

Does anyone remember the girls’ last single? It was called Headlines? No? That’s because it was substandard RnB filled with cloying sentiments about love and all that rubbish. Remember when the Spice Girls were kinda fun to have around? Say You’ll Be There and Spice Up Your Life were bold, brash pop records that made sense… not a 40th rewrite of the hideous 2 Become 1.

And the two people wanting to subject our ears to yet more limp pop are el B and Mel C who really want to release an album, whittled down from 60 previously unheard tracks.

Alas, the rest of the gang are not impressed.

Victoria Beckham, Geri Halliwell and Emma Bunton are all, sensibly, against the notion of putting music out with the Spice Girls name on it that was initially deemed not good enough for them. That in itself is quite the notion! Imagine songs that were discarded because they weren’t as good as Let Love Lead The Way.

You don’t remember that one either, do you?

It would appear that Victoria doesn’t want in because she’s pregnant and busy designing clothes. She doesn’t really want to promise anyone that she’ll hit the promotion trail with all that going on. Which, alarmingly, seems rather sensible.

Geri and Emma meanwhile are still under the control of the shadowy pop villain, Simon Fuller, who used to manage the Spice Girls, and he’s not thrilled at the idea of releasing these tracks.

He says no. Geri and Emma hop to it and say “Yeah! Whatever the man says! GIRL POWER!”

Yet, there’s still idiots in the world and they’re called ‘sources who talk to the Daily Mirror’.

“From a possible 60 tracks, three or four would be guaranteed number ones and there’s definitely a solid album’s worth of tracks. Although such a release would generate millions, it’s not about the money.

It’s not about the money? Really? What is it then? Some altruistic notion of promotion female empowerment for girls pressurised into feeling too ugly or too fat by a unforgiving media?

“Both Melanies want to open up the band to a new generation of fans and keep the memory of the Spice Girls alive.”

Memory, presumably, means ‘money’.

Not to worry though! Even if this album doesn’t see the light of day, there is good news for Spice Girls fans. There’s a Spice Girls musical called Viva Forever which is opening next year.

hecklerspray won’t see it though because, as a precautionary measure, we’ve lopped our ears off with shears and removed our eyes with ice cream scoops.

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Everyone’s sixth favourite Spice Girl, Jerry Halliwell is set for an AMAZING solo comeback. The singer, famous for her patriotically flag-based dresses and impressively jarring personality has SENSATIONALLY revealed that she’s started plans to record her FOURTH album.

Red-Head Spice, as she was known in her ‘Spice’ Girls days, plans to release the follow-up to her last compact disc Passion (which rocketed straight into the UK’s top 41 in 2005) on her own label, Labia Records.

Geri’s also rumoured to have signed up X Factor types Bellamy to the label for their debut album.

EXCITEMENT!

The former Spice Girl shouted at anyone who’d listen and some frightened onlookers:

“I’m really excited and I’ve been thinking about it for a long time and things feel right. I was always going to continue with music in some way.”

Gerry Hallywell, who used to be 90′s pop band The Spice Girls went on to say:

“I’ve been in the studio and it’s going to have a bit of a dance feel to it. I love to dance and hear this type of upbeat music in clubs – it’s all going really well.”

“I was proud of all my solo music and this is just the next chapter. It’s time to get back into the charts again.”

She said before laughing and then crying hysterically, rummaging around in her Spice Girls-branded handbags for a tissue, failing to find one and eventually wiping her teary, mascara-streaked face with what looked like a broken iPhone.

WORRYING

Geri Spice has certainly been keeping herself busy since leaving THE SPICE GIRLS, whenever that was. The former Spice Girls singer appeared as a guest judge on The X Factor briefly, features semi-regularly in a bikini in The Daily Mail and watches the Sex and the City movies alone, over and over again, cackling to herself, drinking PROSECCO and setting up facebook events that no one ever attends.

Geri ‘Gingery Spice’ Halliwell is learning from her peers and plans to mirror the massive success that GIRLS ALLOWED’s Nadine Coil has had with her Exclusive Tesco-released album, ‘I Loved You But You Gave Me A Water Infection’ and plans to follow suit.

INABILITY TO CARRY OUT THE MOST BASIC OF TASKS

“I was going to mirror the massive success that Girls Allowed’s Nadine Coil has had with her Exclusive Tesco-released album, ‘I Loved You But You Gave Me A Water Infection’ but I lost the number for them and the internet on my iPhone doesn’t work properly, so I couldn’t Google it. It’s broken, I’ll have to send it back to O2. I think my Mum’s got a Thomson Directory, but she’s in Majorca at the moment, so I can’t ask her to find the number.”

According to our sources, The Wizard of Watford as she’s known to her fan, is close to signing up with German budget supermarket ALDI and their newly-launched music branch, Scheiß Musik.

Jenny gave us an EXCLUSIVE preview of some of the demo tracks for the album and we must say, they certainly are something! A woman’s voice over music, mostly.

Track 1: ‘Boogie Woogie Doo-Da’ – A thumping house track that’s sure to get you jumping straight onto the dancefloor if it makes it onto the album!

Track 2: ‘Bright Eyes’ – A cover of Paul Simon’s rabbit-death classic, with a fresh ragga/dancehall twist.

Track 3: ‘I Need You (But I Can’t Text You Until O2 Send My iPhone Back)’ – Four minutes of confused mumbling about mobile phone warranties. With a Latin flavour.

Track 4: The Daft-fur Conflict – Hard-hitting and cutting condemnation of the Sudanese troubles, featuring a sample of Let Loose’s ‘Crazy For You’.

Track 5: Boogie Woogie Doo-Daa – To be honest, this was probably an error made when burning the disc. It probably shouldn’t have been on there twice.

Well Jeri, it sounds good to us. Best of luck from everyone here at hecklerspray and remember – ‘Z-ziggy a ziggier. Ah!’

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In girl band land right now, there isn’t much to make you want to don your favourite purple dress and open-toed sandals.

Girls Aloud are on a permanent break with Cheryl Cole thieving the limelight every time a gust of wind blows her over. There was the short lived Girls Can’t Catch who sang a song about the fifth letter of the phonetic alphabet, but we’re then not selling enough records.

As far as pop music goes, it’s The Saturdays who are leading the way in terms of manufactured girl group pop. However, where would they have been without The Spice Girls, the girl group that sparked a bit of individualism and a world-wide buzz? Just like the seven dwarfs, they all had unique spice tags such as “munter”, “manly”, “annoying”, “pointless” and “the annoying ginger one.” Whilst the original line-up won’t be appearing for a third appearance, they could be unleashing a younger version. Lock down your windows and doors now.

A fresher version of the original five-piece does seem like a most logical decision. After all, there is only so much plastic surgery, botox, face lifts, liposuction and fake tanning you can put a body through before it collapses into a quivering wreck of bile and pus. That annoying age factor also plays a part too, with Mel B, Mel C, Emma Bunton, Victoria Beckham and the ginger one all being in the late forties. Imagine the prospect of seeing five ageing woman wobbling around an Iranian TV set? It’d be worse than letting them do karaoke whilst pissed at a wedding.

This whole idea is being spearheaded by the ginger one from The Spice Girls in an effort to show us she is still alive. After all, when the band initially split, she released some ropey singles and then faded into obscurity. When cash got a little bit low, then all five members decided to come back together for a world tour. Scores of morons bought tickets to see the spectacular with insiders telling us that thousands of people banged at the exit doors until the audio vomit stopped.

So why is the ginger one doing this now? Again, we assume it’s for a much needed cash injection, as she’ll probably take on the role of manager. It seems that the process isn’t a new idea and has been in place for a while. MTV quotes a source as saying:

“This is very exciting for her. She’s been painstakingly putting together the new band. Geri has already introduced the band to some key music executives and quite a few of the labels have already taken a keen interest. She believes the time is right for another girl band to take over the world.”

The entire world? Crikey, this gives more reason to finally map out our half-baked plans to create our own country where beer runs out of taps and cars are replaced by elephants with each citizen having their own monkey butler. In our colourful pretty world, all shit music will be abolished, and this will be first on the chopping block.

Membership is now open. A good sandwich maker will aid your application.

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When London was announced as the host city for the 2012 Olympics, many concerns immediately started swirling around our heads.

Chief of which was how ready the city would be. Frankly, we need to see a constructed swimming pool filled with water so the likes of Michael Phelps don’t have to race against each other in the sewage-infested River Thames. But that’s not all.

There’s also the question of whether Boris Johnston will set himself on fire or not. But mainly we’re worried about following China’s $100 million opening ceremony. How can we Brits compete? Chas n’ Dave have now split up, which ballsed up Plan A, but there’s always Plan B – giving The Spice Girls some work again.

Last year, the majority of people were suitably impressed when Beijing opened the Olympics. They had fireworks, people doing all sorts of dances and had funky signs with writing that looked the same as to the ones you see on takeaway menus. According to trusty Wikipedia, the host nation is meant to present artistic displays of music, singing, dance, and theatre representative of its culture. Or, strictly speaking, you’re meant to outdo the previous city and make them look crap.

So when we think of London, what comes to mind? Jellied eels, EastEnders, rats, the London Underground and the fact that a can of Coke costing 40p in Blackburn would be 90p in our dear capital. But where does that leave us? No-one is suggesting that we round a group of people, dress them as tube stations and do some wacky dance. That would be silly. And like the London Underground, it’d end up being too hot, delayed and then aborted completely when a breakaway faction of the Jubilee line inevitably decides to go on strike midway through.

But what about the legacy of British music? After all there have been some legendary bands that this country has produced. Sadly though a lot of them can’t make the ceremony for various reasons. The Beatles have half of their members missing, Queen are rubbish without Freddie Mercury, any plans for Oasis were scuppered when the Gallagher brothers both fell into a terminal sulk, Blur are too busy making cheese and Radiohead might just depress everyone into going home.

Hold on a second though! What’s that in the distance? We can just about hear the squeals of five ageing women telling us what they really really want. It’s not a Botox injection or a chance to write a crap book, they want to open the Olympics. That’s right kids; media man Simon Fuller claims that The Spice Girls are one of the best loved in history, and he wants them at the Olympics. Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, he said:

“Demand for the Spice Girls remained high. They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance.”

Do we really want to see 40-year-old women warbling away to their old songs again? If so, then probably is what the UK is culturally all about. Seeing women out on the town who still think they’re young and relevant.

Go London 2012!

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10 - A list of prequel ideas that are supposed to be rubbish but we would happily watch - Cracked

9 - And the award for worst woman in the entire world goes to… Mosnews

8 - Several reasons why you shouldn’t name a year in your futuristic movie – io9

7 – Two Spice Girls looking ridiculously happy to be inside a car – Popsugar

6 -10 things your Dad should have told you - Asylum

5 – Scarlett Johansson‘s got a new album coming out, and for the life of us we can’t work out if that’s a good thing or not – PopEater

4 - Oh great, another reason to be fearful of caterpillars - Dailymail

3 - GLOWING MONKEYS! – Wired

2 - Rubbish characters from fighting games - Toplessrobot

1 - This is good. More like this, please…