Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Not only did Kylie Jenner completely overshadow the Super Bowl with her baby announcement, she made me totally forget the most important thing that happened this past weekend: A Spice Girls reunion!
All five Spice Girls got together at Geri’s house to seemingly celebrate their old manager, Simon Fuller, and now everyone is saying that some sort of non-tour related Spice Girls reunion is going to happen. As if I hadn’t been praising 2018 enough!
Geri Halliwell is a British pop singer/songwriter, author, fashion designer, and actress. But who are we kiddin’? She is best known as Ginger Spice in the 1990s flash in the pan pop music sensation Spice Girls, the top selling girl group in history.
Halliwell had publicly claimed that struggling with bulimia damn near ended her when she dropped to a dangerous weight of just 98 pounds. Today Halliwell says she likes her body and has developed a positive relationship with food since becoming a mom.
What is Giuliana Rancic’s deal (aside from spelling her name stupid and looking like an alien of some sort)?! Bitch has always been annoying, but nowadays she’s basically a straight up idiot. First, making stupid comments about Zendaya, and now dissing a Spice Girl like she’s all that and a bag of chips. Pfft. More like Giuliana Rancid, am I right?!
Apparently, Giulana dated Jerry O’Connell in the early 2000’s (who knew?) and he cheated on her with a bunch of way hotter celebs, like his current wife, former supermodel (and former Mrs. John Stamos because that bitch is DUMB. WHO LEAVES JOHN STAMOS FOR THE FAT KID FROM “STAND BY ME”???), Rebecca Romijn, and former Spice Girl, Geri Halliwell.
Because music now a days doesn’t suck enough for people, there has been a pretty big resurgence of 90s pop groups these last couple years.?The Backstreet Boys were the first to successfully?come back and not be a total mockery.? They are getting ready to tour again. and it was kind of cool at first, it’s quickly starting to get as old as its wrinkly balled members.
Now though, get ready for hair glitter, bell bottoms, and Tamagotchis to come back in style because there is a chance that the Backstreet Boys are going to go on world tour with the Spice Girl.? Zig a Zig ah.
A musical inspired by the Spice Girls premiered last night in London’s West End?to?overwhelmingly negative?reviews. Only the Girls themselves, all five of whom?were in attendance for the premiere, could even pretend to have enjoyed it.
The show, called Viva Forever!,?is not directly about the Spice Girls, though it?claims to be?”charged with the energy and attitude of the girls themselves.” Basically their old songs are woven into an original, if unimaginative, story in weird and contrived ways.
So that’s Blue, Steps, Spice Girls, Take That, No Doubt, 911 (Really?), Soundgarden (Jesus…), ‘Space’ (WHAT) and Babylon Zoo all reunited and back in our hearts once again. For the good of music.
The dream team are back. (Not ‘the Dream Team’ though. Just the idiom.) What an incredibly unexpected blast from the past! What a lovable foray back into 90s kitsch! What a beautifully orchestrated look into the disenfranchised work ethic of the average mid-30s misogynist. Soundgarden. Brilliant.
In case you haven’t realised yet – we don’t know how – maybe you were tired – maybe you woke up in a bunk-bed – maybe you were too busy thinking, “Crikey, it’s great about Space, isn’t it?” Hey. Whatever it was that you ‘had’ to do that made you not walk full pelt into the conclusion – that we are lying. That’s it. We’re liars. We do not think that every band that hit prominence in the late 90s, thus reinforcing the painstakingly dull ebb of a nation’s continued thrusting urgency for cheesy nostalgia, or an excuse to lift Lee Ryan’s restraining order on woodland creatures, vulnerable women and sci-fi is necessarily a good idea. Oh, and we also lied about Babylon Zoo. Sucks to be you right now.
Mel B is quite obviously nuts. She had sex with Eddie Murphy and didn’t think it was weird at all. He was probably dressed like Mama Klump at the time. Since then, she’s look rather dead in the eyes. So is this a story to say she’s sorted herself out?
Christ no.
Mel B now wants to sleep in a cot. You heard. She wants a giant cot to sleep in, like she’s some kind of farting baby.
Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.
Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.
Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
People of the World, spice up your life, as Madhur Jaffrey advised us. And now, ladies, spicing up your life is even easier, because singer/author/actress/thin Geri Halliwell has finally done what everyone presumed she would have done years ago and released a range of clothes inspired by the iconic Union Jack dress she popped out of during the ’98 Brit Awards.
Peddling her wares through Next, she is hoping to capitalise on a bumper year for angry British men, uniting British pride through the Olympics (where the Union Jack will be more common than people complaining about traffic and foreigners), raising the profile of the Spice Girls, who will allegedly appear at the Queen?s Diamond Jubilee (groan) and the upcoming race for the best beachwear on the High Street.
Sounds dreadful doesn't it?
Nothing says ‘dead-eyed and desperate’ like Geri Halliwell. She’s a wreck isn’t she? She appears in the public eye like an old mad girlfriend you’d forgotten about, potentially always on the brink of tears.
One eye cries for sorrow, the other cries from joy. It’s a ghastly spectacle, enough to make you slit your wrists, lengthways.
And now, in a bid to remind us that she’s got sex on her mind (thereby stopping every single arousing thought on the planet), the former Spice Girl stripped off to model a line of lingerie she has designed for a British chain.
