But wait! The craziness of Jodie Marsh gets even, er… better. The woman shaved her lover’s initials into her scalp. Now the whole world knows how much of a loved-up dyke she is! But, really, is that the best you can do, Jodie? Sculpting the letters into her pubes would have caused us to maybe bat our eyelids for a few seconds at least.

But without a man around, who will open her jars of mustard or change her lightbulbs? No-one, that’s who. Girls can’t do those sorts of things. Nor can they get themselves pregnant. That’s why Jodie is calling upon all bloke/perverts to masturbate furiously into a baked bean tin and send the results to her in the post.

Don’t get us wrong, we love to help people when we can. Just the other day a woman asked us if we thought she looked fat in a dress. Not wanting to lie and be cast in eternal sin, we simply told the truth and said “Yes, it looks like you’ve nicked the curtains from someone’s front room. Best give them back before the owners notice and burglars see what they’ve got in their front room.” Oddly, this response didn’t go down too well. One slapped face later, we learnt a harsh lesson in life – there’s the ‘truth’ and then there’s the truth that all women want to believe.

So why has Jodie Marsh, the poor man’s Jordan, got all upset with men and decided to give lady-love a bash? It seems strange, as only a year ago she happily starred in a show for MTV called Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up The Aisle? You probably won’t remember it – it was utter gash – but she used the show to audition men to marry her. A process that went disastrously wrong for her, because no sane people wanted to take up the offer. Just tramps and dirty old men in trench coats.

According to Digital Spy, her decision to become a rug-muncher isn’t down to her own wishful thinking. In typical fashion, it’s the fault of every man in the world. So, let us take this chance to apologise for every bloke on the planet – even for Danny Dyer – and say sorry. Jodie said to someone who probably didn’t care:

“I can see why women turn lesbian, because you get to the point where you’re sick of hearing so much f***ing bull***t, so you start to look elsewhere.”

So Jodie Marsh is a lesbian. But why she wants sperm sent to her remains unanswered. We assume she’ll be using a turkey baster to make some sort of hideous offspring, but we can’t be entirely sure. Maybe deep underground her Essex mansion she plans to create an army of creatures that will enslave all mankind.

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

People quite often describe the Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards divorce as bitter, but they couldn’t be further from the truth – Denise and Charlie shot past ‘bitter’ a long time ago and are currently somewhere between ‘psychotic’ and ‘Wagnerian’.

Believe all the allegations made about Charlie Sheen by Denise Richards and you’ll think that he’s a foul-mouthed prostitute murderer with a child porn fetish and less than sensitive manner when it comes to terminally ill cancer sufferers. And then there’s Denise Richards, who apparently divorced Charlie Sheen, ran off with her best friend’s husband, threw a laptop off a balcony at an old lady and then asked Charlie Sheen if he could send her some of his sperm. Frankly if all of these allegations are true, we’d like to marry both of the, Who wouldn’t?

Except that Denise Richards says she didn’t ask for any of Charlie Sheen’s sperm. True, at one point Denise must have loved Charlie’s sperm enough to make babies with it and – this is just speculation – drink quite a lot of it, plus there’s an email in circulation allegedly proving that Denise Richards asked Charlie Sheen for a sperm donation, but Denise definitely didn’t write it.

Denise Richards has just been appearing on the Today show, and what was meant to be a relaxed informal chat about her new reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated quickly spiralled in to all kinds of angry mad-eyed email denials. We’ve got a clip of it to show you, but first here’s People’s take on the matter:

“That e-mail is not legitimate,” Richards, 37, told interviewer Matt Lauer. “It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his … girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie [Sambora]. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.” She also said that at the time of the alleged e-mail she had just found out that her mother was dying, so she was not interested in getting pregnant – “especially with my ex-husband,” said Richards.

Bringing her own dead mother into a fight with her ex-husband? That’s pretty low, even for Denise Richards. It’s a good job she only pulled that trick once, as the video of her Today appearance shows…

Did we say once? We meant four distinct times. Our mistake.

Anyway, if this spermy email of Denise’s really has been doctored then of course she has every right to go on TV and defend herself. After all, as Denise Richards says, she’s kept totally silent about her divorce for three years now. Except for that time she did a big interview with Entertainment Tonight about her divorce, of course. And when she spoke at length to TMZ as well. And the interview she did with Larry King this week. And, you know, that whole long-running reality TV show that’s all about her and her divorce from Charlie Sheen. But that’s it. For now.

Read more:

Denise Richards: Charlie Faked E-Mail – People

But not always. Just last week a Chinese businessman said we could inherit $10,000,000 if we gave him some bank details. We did and now we’re just waiting to see the cheque arrive in the post. And some people thought we were stupid. 

Now a new offer has caught our eye, which couldn’t be better for the thousands of single and horny blokes out there. If you’ve missed out on tickets to this year's festivals like T In The Park, V and Glastonbury, you can still get a chance to go. All you have to do is wank! Yes simply place your man sap in a jar, send it off and you could be experiencing the joys of festivals around Europe. Sorry ladies, it’s a no go for you. But why not try and water some mayonnaise down and pass it off as your own reproductive bodily fluid anyway? 

Honestly, this doesn’t appear to be an offer from some sort of mad fetishist who wants samples of sperm delivered to his home so he can bath in it or something. It’s quite the opposite of that actually. Whilst Ireland is full of leprechauns, Guinness, pikeys and rubbish preaching rock stars, it is short on one thing. Sperm. And this essential ingredient that is needed for everyone to reproduce is in short supply.

Everyone loves the Irish. Without them we wouldn’t have a pointless excuse to neck countless pints of Guinness for a novelty hat. Would we really want to see them disappear off the face of the planet? As the NME reports: 

“Sperm donors are to be offered free tickets to any music festival in Europe under a new initiative. Irish stocks are apparently dwindling, with demand far higher than is sustainable, and donations down by 40% over the last four years.” 

In hecklerspray’s opinion, all that’s needed is a quick rally round from his holiness the Pope. Who needs sperm reserves to create babies when he can scare the shit out of perfectly fertile Irish people in order to mate? All he needs to do is tell the people of Ireland is that they’ll all burn in hell if they continue to whip on a condom before doing the sex.

Rallying the men of Europe to donate their love milk could have quite comical effect. Irish females can now literally go shopping for their baby’s perfect look. They may already have a half-Irish, half-Spanish child but it wouldn’t be complete without the introduction of an Irish-Russian brother or sister. It has all the makings of a bad sitcom. Think of it as the Brady Bunch for a modern generation. 

Yes, enjoy the free festival tickets now! But one day it may be a bit awkward when there’s a knock on the door and your offspring is there. How are you going to break it too little Danny or Sarah that the only reason there alive is because you wanted to see The Verve headline Glastonbury? Chances are they’ll hate you for wanting to see The Verve more than anything else. Oh, and then of course there could be the small problem of child maintenance payments. Start saving now. Your fun of throwing bottles of piss at shit bands could be short-lived when you have to fork out money to help the child you didn’t really want battle everything from bullying to alcoholism. 

Read more: 

Sperm donors offered free festival tickets – NME

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.

Although there's so much to mock Tom Cruise for – his tiny height, his weird sincerity, his constant whooping, Lions For Lambs – people return again and again to Scientology as a stick to beat him with and, since his only defenders are Will Smith and David Beckham, it has to be a lonely place for him to be. 

The problem with Scientology is that it's so secretive – whereby in Christianity children are taught from an early age that the world was made when an all-powerful fairy invented everything and that his hippy son embarked on a short-lived apprenticeship once, Scientologists have to earn their knowledge. And it's that sort of secrecy which has allowed Andrew Morton's recently-published book Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography to cause such a stir.

Playing on the public's long-held suspicions about Tom Cruise – that nobody could be that intensely oversincere all the time and be remotely normal – Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography features interviews with old neighbours and friends and narked-off former Scientologists to paint a picture of Tom Cruise complete with all sorts of outlandish remarks that have got Cruise's lawyer coiled like a snake.

In particular, there's a line in the Tom Cruise biography that hints at claims that Tom's daughter Suri Cruise was created using Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's dead sperm:

"Some sect members believed that Katie Holmes was carrying the baby who would be the vessel for L. Ron Hubbard's spirit when he returned around the galaxy."

And that, along with claims that Tom Cruise is the Scientologist second in command, has caused Cruise's lawyer Bert Fields to speak out. He said:

"His book is a rehash of tired old lies about Tom and his religion, some new grotesque lies, like the sick comparison of his child to 'Rosemary's Baby' and the nutty assertion that he's the No 2 head of the Church of Scientology. He (Morton) has made a number of claims that are false and demonstrably so. Clearly the book is actionable, but I'm not commenting on anything to do with legal issues."

Of course, we're almost completely certain that Tom Cruise didn't stuff Katie Holmes full of L Ron Hubbard's sperm. Just look at Suri Cruise – she looks so much like Tom Cruise that we keep half expecting her to leap around on a sofa whooping like an air raid siren any minute now.

Plus, Suri Cruise can't be made of L Ron Hubbard's sperm, because as far as we know we're the only ones who own a canister of it. Where else did you think we got that idea for pesto seasoning idea from? Seriously, you haven't lived until you've tried our sour cream, pesto and dead old man's dried-up jizz dip, you really haven't.

Read more:

Cruise biography branded 'sick' – ITN