Sperm - HecklerSpray

Kevin Federline Is Feelin’ Fine And Not Dying Of A Heart Attack At All!

January 25th, 2012 By Kris Silver

It's okay everybody, you can relax, there's no more need to worry, Kevin Federline is fine.

We know, you were scared that K-Fed might be taken from us too soon, but we're pleased to announce that all is well with Britney?s Baby Daddy and he didn't actually suffer a heart attack that none of us would have cared about.

Federline was hospitalised earlier this week after he collapsed whilst filming a weight loss show in Australia, he was quickly rushed to hospital along with the paramedics who had initially tried to lift him onto the stretcher.

Chantelle Houghton?s Unborn Foetus Getting A Bit Tired Of All The Publicity To Be Honest.

December 15th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

Dreadful orange sloppy-seconds-bargain-bin-Jordan Chantelle ?Chantelle? Houghton, not content with hawking her fake breasts, fake eyelashes and, we presume, non-fake pregnant belly has this week launched an all-out assault on anyone with any sense of decorum whatsoever.

Appearing in nothing more than a bikini in more tatty publications and websites than we were even aware existed (Celebrity Baby Scoop anyone? Anyone? we're not even making it up) Chantelle has been coining it something rotten from her four-month old child, serving only to remind the world that she is swelled with the product of ex-Katie Price ?Reidenator? Alex Reid.

?Reidenator?. Yes. Katie ?Jordan? Price said that out loud.

Look! Blind Sperm!

January 20th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

The beauty of the ‘should have gone to Specsavers’ campaign is its versatility. Yes, it works if deployed after a film about a man with ugly or badly-made glasses.

But why stop there? Why not sling it in after a film of an old lady driving a car into a tree, or a baby running into a patio door, or a bullfighter being gored in the testicles? See? Instant punchline.

Anyway, after the jump, a video of some sperm that should have gone to Specsavers. Even though, as a sperm, it lacks both the mobility and cognitive skills to actually get there – and even if it did go to Specsavers it would have quickly discovered that most of the glasses on display were impractically large. Anyway, video after the jump…

Attention All Blokes: Jodie Marsh Wants Your Sperm Juice

March 25th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

In what can only be described as another attempt to gain some publicity and prove she’s still relevant to society, Jodie Marsh has decided to become a lesbian. No, we don’t really care either.

But wait! The craziness of Jodie Marsh gets even, er… better. The woman shaved her lover’s initials into her scalp. Now the whole world knows how much of a loved-up dyke she is! But, really, is that the best you can do, Jodie? Sculpting the letters into her pubes would have caused us to maybe bat our eyelids for a few seconds at least.

But without a man around, who will open her jars of mustard or change her lightbulbs? No-one, that’s who. Girls can’t do those sorts of things. Nor can they get themselves pregnant. That’s why Jodie is calling upon all bloke/perverts to masturbate furiously into a baked bean tin and send the results to her in the post.

Denise Richards Goes Bananas At Charlie Sheen Again

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Ready for another round of Charlie Sheen Vs Denise Richards: Who’s The Most Confusingly Mental? You are?

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

Get Ready To Wank And Roll This Summer

March 25th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

When someone offers you something for free, there’s usually a catch.

But not always. Just last week a Chinese businessman said we could inherit $10,000,000 if we gave him some bank details. We did and now we’re just waiting to see the cheque arrive in the post. And some people thought we were stupid.

Now a new offer has caught our eye, which couldn’t be better for the thousands of single and horny blokes out there. If you’ve missed out on tickets to this year's festivals like T In The Park, V and Glastonbury, you can still get a chance to go. All you have to do is wank! Yes simply place your man sap in a jar, send it off and you could be experiencing the joys of festivals around Europe. Sorry ladies, it’s a no go for you. But why not try and water some mayonnaise down and pass it off as your own reproductive bodily fluid anyway?

Tom Cruise Unhappy With ‘Tom Cruise Is A Weirdo’ Book

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Tell any man that his daughter was created with the sperm of a dead religious leader and they'll probably get angry – look at Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise's lawyer is on the warpath after Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography by Andrew Morton was published, a book that makes all sorts of wild claims about Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs while alluding to claims that Tom Cruise's daughter Suri was sired with dead Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard's sperm.

Plainly ridiculous, we know. Everyone knows that Tom Cruise has dried Hubbard's sperm out and uses it as a creepy pesto seasoning.