If there’s one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn’t theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.

Yes, that’s right, it’s week 9 of The Apprentice!

This week everyone’s favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of £1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.

Sir Alan/Lord Sugar/The A-Train also decided to return to a boys versus girls format, so be prepared for lots of bitching and over the top macho posturing! HOORAY!

Synergy hit the ground running, project manager and world smirking champion Jamie took off on his own, leaving Chris, “all the personality of an investment banker,” Bates and Stuart, “Iceland own-brand,” Baggs to duke it out for the title of Britain’s dullest man.

Apollo, meanwhile, took the time to call ahead, finding out what their products were and where they could find them. When they finally did hit the road, they were able to get straight to their suppliers and bagged all 10 of their items with relative ease.

The only exception was Liz and Joanna’s late return to the boardroom, which was caused by them trying to haggle with a man who moved so slowly that, upon reflection, he may have actually been dead.

Apollo’s organisation and efficiency looked like a solid plan, which naturally meant they would go on to lose the task to Synergy, with their plan of randomly walking up and down streets in central London the vain hope that they just happen upon one of the items on their list, despite the fact they often had no idea what they were looking for.

Another key component of Synergy’s plan seemed to be the acting ability of Chris. Jamie asked his team to have a story ready to sell to suppliers that would allow them to get the best price and boy did Chris take this advice on board. Our lovable investment banker started making up bizarre stories about how he’d left items in Nottingham, or was going to a wedding in Scotland with his Nan whilst also bleating about how he had no money left.

There were only 2 problems with these stories. Firstly, none of them made any sense. Secondly, Chris was a sharply dressed man, accompanied by another sharply dressed man AND A CAMERA CREW. There was no way anyone was actually buying these stories, they just wanted to get him and his lively, investment-banker personality out of their shops before he made their heads explode with his ridiculous monotone lies.

When we got to the boardroom it was announced that the boys, despite failing to get all 10 items, had won the task. Which shocked Jamie so much he actually continued to apologise for his performance despite winning. Cue VT that sees the boys spend the weekend in Paris, frolicking in parks whilst wearing berets, oversized sunglasses and turtle neck sweaters.  It made you want to reach through the TV and throttle them until the twitching stopped.

That’s right, the boys got rewarded for their failure. The Apprentice has now officially become a bizarre hybrid parody of the banking sector.

The girls, looking like a bizarre corporate girl-band, tried to ditch Stella faster than Girls Aloud tried to ditch the Ginger one by subtly editing her out of their videos. But eventually it was 22 year old rah and professional glass ceiling dropper, Laura, that bit the bullet.

Let this be a lesson to you, if all you’re really good for is looking a bit like a horse and crying a lot, then an angry old man probably won’t hire you to be his assistant. Unless he’s a pervert.

BEST MOMENT: Tie between the surprise on everyone’s face when Synergy won and the audible groan when both Stella and Liz walked back in to the house.

WORST MOMENT: Liz trying to grab a pen out of an old man’s hand because he was taking too long to write a receipt. Classy.

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One of the downsides to Britney Spears' custody battle is the obvious mental and emotional turmoil it puts her through, but one of the upsides is that we get to see exactly what Britney Spears spends her money on, so really it all evens out.

Thanks to court papers released yesterday, the world at large can now see exactly where Britney Spears' money goes. While it's no surprise that Britney Spears earns more in a month than Kevin Federline does in a year, it might come as a bit more of a shock to see that Britney Spears carefully budgets for everything. For example, Britney Spears has mortgages and charitable obligations, which is why she only spends $102,000 a month on 'entertainment, gifts and vacations.' If only everyone had the financial prudence of Britney Spears, surely the world would be a far better place.

We all know that Britney Spears is loaded – even when she'd seemingly given up on music to dedicate her life to stumbling out of nightclubs with her vagina flapping about in case another accidental baby suddenly decided to fall out, Britney Spears was still pulling in $737,868 a month through sales of her music and perfumes – but nobody knew what she did with it all. 

But now we know, and it's all thanks to Britney Spears being legally deemed as too unfit to care for her own children! As part of Britney Spears' ongoing custody battle with Kevin Federline, details of both their earnings and expenditure had to be submitted to the court. And now that the court is done with those details, it's time for the rest of the world to have a gander.

So what does Britney Spears spend her cash on? Well, there's the $500 she gives to charity, the $49,267 she uses to pay for the mortgage on her two houses, her $16,000 monthly clothes bill, the $15,000 in child support she pays to Kevin Federline and the $20,000 spousal support. And then there's the slightly less specific $102,000 Britney Spears blows each month on entertainment, gifts and vacations. And the zero dollars she spends on education, even though she could have given 20p to a Special Brew-addled tramp and he'd have taught her how to mime to own song more convincingly than she managed at the MTV VMAs.

Compare that to Kevin Federline, though. He has less than two weeks left of spousal support, after which he'll have to fend for himself. That shouldn't be too hard – last year Kevin Federline managed to earn $500,000 in total. However, shave off the $7,500 he pays in rent monthly, the $6,000 he pays in security, the $2,000 he spends on clothes, the $5,000 he spends on entertainment, gifts and vacations and the $1,500 he spends eating out and he only came out of last year with a profit of $7,436.

What's that? You want to know what royalties Kevin Federline earnt from sales of his high-profile single release PopoZao? $3,300 which, to put it comparatively, is what Britney Spears spends on Taco Bell and Starbucks every three weeks.

Some analysts are concerned that Britney Spears doesn't put any of her earnings into savings or investments for the future, even though she must be as aware of fame's fickle nature as anyone else, but they really needn't worry. You see, judging by Gimme More, Britney Spears saves all kinds money by refusing to spend more than $2.27 on her music videos.