Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
I mean, realistically I could be referring to any cast member from The Hills when I make a title like that, but in this particular instance I’m referring to Heidi and Spencer Pratt: the couple that make Kris Jenner look media shy.
Speidi, as they are often known, recently announced they were pregnant in the only way couples like them and Tori and Dean know how: via an UsWeekly photoshoot so they can hopefully pay their rent that month.
The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.
Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.
It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.
Celebrityland can often be a turbulent place, with all sorts of crazy stuff going on. For the humble person, it can sometimes be difficult to work out if it's the PR machine going in to overdrive to drum up some publicity or it's just a fake story designed to get idiots like us to report it.
We only write the truth and nothing but the hardcore facts.
At times, it seems that the line can be blurred from those famous folk who so badly crave our attention, that?ll they go to any lengths to gain it. Unless you happen to be a teenage girl, we assume you won't know who Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are. In short, they are both stars of MTV?s horribly staged reality show, The Hills. The program may have finished, but their real lives resemble nothing more than a terrible sitcom that wouldn't even be screened on BBC Three.
The affairs of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are up there with the most boring of celebrity romances. These two non-entities simply exist, and that seems to be more than enough for you dribbling simpletons.
Despite the pair being of no-fixed talent, they remain in currency by virtue of their combined stupidity. Pratt likes to get on planes with a bag full of guns while Montag cries all the time because she doesn’t want a weird face like Michael Jackson or frets over the release of a sex tape she made.
They split up, Pratt apologised and now it seems, that they can’t be bothered getting divorced from each other and in fact, they should probably stay together because on their own, it’s only a matter of time before one of them had an accident in busy traffic brought on by idiotry.
The world of celebrity is not unused to certain members of its population doing odd things.
Take Danny Dyer for instance, suggesting that a woman deciding against a long-term relationship with a man is a legitimate excuse for face-murder. Or Lindsay Lohan, whose crazed mind believed that she would curry favour with a judge by writing swears on her fingernails. Or Alan Bloody Davies, who bloody well once bit the bloody ear off of a bloody tramp.
Maniacs all. But none of them has ever travelled quite so close to the Mountains of Madness as today’s celebrigimp: Spencer Pratt (who used to stick his bookies’ biro penis into Heidi Montag) has been arrested at Costa Rica’s airport while trying to board a plane with guns. Guns he had used during the previous few days to kill some food during a spirit-cleansing exercise.
Spencer Pratt is a thoroughly modern celebrity, in as much that, he’s famous simply because he’s a bit famous. He’s somehow managed to stay in our ears and eyes by making regular and annoying noises, like a child beeping the horn of his mum’s car whilst parked up outside the shops.
Looking at him and his eerie little Aryan face, you wonder what anyone saw in him – ever. Yet, Heidi Montag liked him enough to allow him to get his doo-dah out without screaming at him and clawing his retinas out.
And then he got a divorce and threatened to release a sex-tape of him and his ex-wife, leaving everyone smacking themselves in the forehead, muttering about how he’s always been a prick. And now Spencer agrees that he is, in fact, a tool of epic proportions.
You know Heidi Montag don’t you? Sure you do! She’s that woman… y’know? The one who stands in shoes sometimes. The one from The Hills. The one who made an album for some reason. Yeah! That Heidi Montag!
Now she’s cautiously scribbling something in crayon on her CV under the words ‘Brattish Slebritoid”. The words being written down are ‘SEX TAPE’ as apparently, Spencer Pratt, the soon to be ex-husband of the pop-personality, is in the process of selling a knacky vid of the couple going at it like pigs in a sty.
Naturally, it is Vivid Entertainment who are sniffing around and offering up $5 million for the thing, which is roughly $2.5m per inch of Pratt’s erect member.
Heidi Montag is starting a Twitter feud with her possibly soon-to-be-ex-husband, Spencer Pratt.
By that, we mean no one will actually be fighting or settling their arguments using the age old tradition of jelly wrestling – just angry tweeting.
Jelly wrestling would be more interesting than watching these two people, each as lacking in self-awareness as the other, starting asinine arguments about who’s more annoying, on Twitter. However, they’re at it again and so let’s all pay attention lest their heads explode from lack of media attention.
Heidi Montag has split up. Don’t panic – her cosmetic surgery scars haven’t popped undone or anything.
She’s emotionally split up. Heidi Montag is no longer with her husband Spencer Pratt. Nobody knows why Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt split up. It could be that Heidi Montag realised that Spencer Pratt was a moron, or it could be that Spencer Pratt realised that Heidi Montag was a moron, or it could be that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt both realised that their marriage was a sham, or it could be that both Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt looked in the mirror and realised that they resembled a hideous mutant Barbie doll and an excessively self-confident woodland orc and decided that they could no longer go on like this.
But they’ve split up. That was our point.
Bad news, anyone who’s ever wanted to sleep with either Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt – you have a malfunctioning brain.
Oh wait. No, what we meant to say was that – despite rumours to the contrary – Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are still an item. There were whispers that Heidi had moved out of the marital home on Monday, almost immediately after The Hills finished production, but that apparently couldn’t be further from the truth.
To prove how much they love each other, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have verbally reaffirmed their love for one another. They would have done it through photography, but Heidi’s surgery has made that impossible – it doesn’t matter what emotion she aims for, it always ends up looking like she’s straining for a poo.
