But not this year! Oh no, this year is completely different – this year we’ve got some real news for you! And that news? Matt Dillon was caught driving his car a little bit faster than he should! And he got arrested! In VERMONT!

No, really, this is big news. Huge news. Matt Dillon is one of the most famous actors in the world and… oh wait, it’s not 1988 any more, is it? OK, carry on. Sorry.

We’ve always had a soft spot for Matt Dillon, and that’s why you’ve never seen a hecklerspray story written about him. It’s not because Matt Dillon is such a thundering charisma vacuum that he could set himself on fire and run through the streets machine-gunning kittens while repeatedly screaming his own name into a loudhailer made of matted blood and toddler-hair and you’d still be hard pushed to find anyone who’d care. It’s because we’ve got a soft spot for him.

But, look, let’s not kid ourselves. This is January 2. Nothing has happened. Nothing ever happens on January 2. We’re so desperate for stuff to write about that we’re completely prepared to pretend that people care about the minor legal infractions allegedly committed by past-it James Dean impersonators who once chose to star in both Herbie: Fully Loaded and You, Me And Dupree within a particularly harrowing 13-month timespan.

And that’s why we’re pleased to report that Matt Dillon has been arrested for driving his car at 106mph in a 65mph zone. In Vermont. In a rented car. A red rented car. But wait! That’s not all – MSBNC reports:

Dillon, of New Rochelle, N.Y., was photographed, fingerprinted and released with a citation to appear at Orange County Court, police said.

OK, actually that was all. Matt Dillon drove a car quite fast, got arrested for it and was released. What happens next is anyone’s guess – chances are that if Matt Dillon is found guilty of speeding then he might have to complete a community service sentence, possibly in a field that he’s already an expert at. And that means he’ll have to teach some deprived kids how to either a) mumble a lot or b) drive a red rented car at 106mph in a 65mph zone in Vermont. Because they are the only two things that Matt Dillon is good at. And the second one seems a little bit counterproductive, frankly.

However, at least by allegedly speeding Matt Dillon has broken his hecklerspray duck, and we look forward to writing about him again in the year 2013 when he does something equally newsworthy, like prodding a cat with a pencil or thinking about some crisps or whatever. We can’t wait!

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But one other place where you don’t want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he’s flipping well at it again.

DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There’s just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn’t there? It’s like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.

The thing we like best about DMX is his stunning versatility. It applies to everything in his life, you see – one minute he’ll be singing a song called Fuck Y’All, then he’ll flip reverse it and sing a song called We Don’t Give A Fuck. Or take DMX’s films – one day he might decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Death Toll, then he’ll decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Never Die Alone.

And this extraordinary versatility extends to DMX’s criminal record, too. You just never know which crazy way DMX will choose to break the law at any given moment in time. On the one hand he might refuse to wear a seatbelt in an aeroplane, but on the other the decomposing corpses of his inhumanely treated pet dogs might be burnt in an attempt to fend off animal cruelty accusations. You just never know with that crazy kid.

Mainly, though, DMX will break the law with a car if he gets the chance. He doesn’t care what sort of car, so long as it’s got wheels and can easily be used to do whatever cack-headed illegal whim he can think of. You name it – be it driving on a suspended license or hiding a gun under the seat or crashing it and then claiming he’s an FBI agent – if it involves a car and is deeply moronic, DMX can be sure to have done it.

And this time DMX has managed to get arrested for driving his car at almost twice the speed limit in Arizona. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky clearly-marked speed cameras everywhere. Reuters reports:

Simmons, 37, is accused in the January 21 incident of racing on a highway, reckless driving, two counts of endangerment, three counts of speeding and driving on a suspended license. “Criminal speeding endangers the lives of everyone on the road,” said Roger Vanderpool, state Department of Public Safety director, in a prepared statement. “Mr. Simmons wasn’t signalled out because of his notoriety.”

Although the sheer frequency of car-based arrests DMX has found himself with suggests that any punishment he receives will be harsh, hopefully it won’t involve DMX having his car taken away from him. Cars run through DMX’s veins. Literally, he has abnormally wide veins. Anyway, you know what DMX is without a car in his life? Ja Rule, that’s what. Terrifying.

And, besides, if DMX isn’t allowed to repeatedly break the law in his car any more, then what’ll he do? Get sleep-raped by more women? Come on!

Read more:

Rapper DMX arrested for racing car on Ariz highway – Reuters