Katie Price isn’t going to be using her children in TV shows or magazine shoots any more. She won’t be giving them a lift to school either as she’s been disqualified from driving after she received three further points on her licence for speeding, a court heard.

We’re pretty sure you’ve already done the ‘twin airbags’ joke in your head, which means we don’t have to bother. Thanks for that.

The famous for being famous person was caught by a speed camera doing 83mph along the A23 at Pyecombe in West Sussex last December. BUT WAIT! It isn’t her fault at all!

Price/Jordan/That Orange Faced Woman now has 13 points on her licence and didn’t attend Crawley Magistrates’ Court for the hearing but pleaded guilty to the charge in her absence. That’s handy isn’t it?

Her lawyer, Robin Sellers (he sounds like a wine thief), told the court she was being pursued by photographers when she was caught speeding along the 70mph road.

He said:

“About nine minutes before she was caught she pulled over and in a state of exasperation asked that another enforcement officer could have a word with a couple of members of the paparazzi who were following her.”

So are we right in assuming that all those that were chasing after her have all got points on their licences as well? No. They were all in pursuit at exactly 70mph. Absolutely.

The Deputy District Judge, Ken Goldspring, unsympathetically replied to Price:

“It goes with the territory.”

Thanks to having loads of points on her licence, of course, she’s got previous. The funniest ticket she got was earlier this year she was slapped with three points after she was convicted of not being in proper control of her luxury 7.5 tonne pink horsebox.

Read that back. It’s brilliant. It’s a world we’ll never understand.

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So, the pope’s been and gone and the press worked themselves into a frenzy. The Sun tried to make it seem like he’s ‘the people’s choice’, whilst the Daily Mail bizarrely decided that he was some sort of anti-political correctness figurehead- like Jeremy Clarkson, only in a slower car.

Once again they got it wrong.

The people’s choice was to not give a shit. Sure he had adoring crowds who were prepared to overlook recent sex scandals but then again so do the England football team and people still want the man in charge of them to lose his job, so maybe he shouldn’t look too smug.

Whilst it was satisfying to see Britain being indifferent, it was also heartening to see protest with a sense of humour. Our favourite were these Father Ted inspired protests, here. There were a few gems elsewhere too (here).

These are all things to add to the list that makes one proud to be British. We’re brilliant at being rubbish in our protests and prankery.

Want proof? There’s much more to be had in this entirely subjective and made-up-on-the-spot waste of web-space list.

Blainetaunting

We like being wowed as much as the next post-industrial nation but we really don’t like pomposity. We temporarily took Brooklynite David Blaine to our hearts when he made those television specials in the 90s where New York-accented members of the public went “oh my gawd” in Brooklyn accents as he made playing cards appear behind car windows.

He then decided to be Houdini which was interesting, once. Unfortunately, like his twin brother M Night Shyamalan, we got bored of his one trick immediately, so when he spent time in a suspended glass box in London, the British public bombarded his box with random objects. The taunting hit its peak when one hero used a remote-controlled helicopter to hover outside his box with a McDonalds meal attached to tease the food-deprived humour vacuum inside.

Speed-trap Warning

We don’t generally speed. Not because of a sensible approach to road safety, but just because we avoid having to be in a hurry in the first place, but even we can appreciate oncoming motorists warning me about speed-traps. Regardless of our speed, the sight of a police van with a camera sticking out the back startles us with misplaced paranoia on an otherwise relaxed journey so we’d like to know in advance, thanks. Not to mention the fact that such consideration from other drivers is far removed from the seething road-rage you otherwise presume they feel towards you.

Dogging

Spring breaks filled with Hollywood beauties or Jamaican hedonism resorts? No sir, our extra-bedroom naughtiness takes place in public car parks in woods. Nothing says Brit erotica more than a middle-aged grunting man making sweet love through the open window of a T-reg Ford Mondeo.

The Jedi Census

According to the 2001 census there are more Jedi in England and Wales than Sikhs, Hindus or Buddhists. An achievement considering that this was two years after The Phantom Menace had come out, but that’s blind faith for you.

Rage Against the Machine for Christmas Number One

Everyone except the public missed the point on this one. Cowell thought he could convince everyone that his latest fame-whore missing out on the top spot was the real victim. Cynical journalists drew attention to Sony’s win-win stake. Even Rage themselves saw it as a victory for people power against manufactured pop.

The truth was simply that the idea of a song with 16 fucks and 1 motherfucker being the Christmas Number One was one that we thought was quite funny. The fact that the humourless Cowell, a man who takes great pleasure in being smug about knowing everything about the marketing of pop music was completely bemused by the situation was an added bonus.

So there you go- vaguely topical, slightly amusing and containing almost no insight whatsoever but less dangerous to read in your lunch break than the Daily Mail.

This post was written by Si Sharp who still has the best moustache in the world.

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You know the best thing about January 2? Nothing ever happens and we’re reduced to writing crap about idiots who nobody could ever care about.

But not this year! Oh no, this year is completely different – this year we’ve got some real news for you! And that news? Matt Dillon was caught driving his car a little bit faster than he should! And he got arrested! In VERMONT!

No, really, this is big news. Huge news. Matt Dillon is one of the most famous actors in the world and… oh wait, it’s not 1988 any more, is it? OK, carry on. Sorry.

We’ve always had a soft spot for Matt Dillon, and that’s why you’ve never seen a hecklerspray story written about him. It’s not because Matt Dillon is such a thundering charisma vacuum that he could set himself on fire and run through the streets machine-gunning kittens while repeatedly screaming his own name into a loudhailer made of matted blood and toddler-hair and you’d still be hard pushed to find anyone who’d care. It’s because we’ve got a soft spot for him.

But, look, let’s not kid ourselves. This is January 2. Nothing has happened. Nothing ever happens on January 2. We’re so desperate for stuff to write about that we’re completely prepared to pretend that people care about the minor legal infractions allegedly committed by past-it James Dean impersonators who once chose to star in both Herbie: Fully Loaded and You, Me And Dupree within a particularly harrowing 13-month timespan.

And that’s why we’re pleased to report that Matt Dillon has been arrested for driving his car at 106mph in a 65mph zone. In Vermont. In a rented car. A red rented car. But wait! That’s not all – MSBNC reports:

Dillon, of New Rochelle, N.Y., was photographed, fingerprinted and released with a citation to appear at Orange County Court, police said.

OK, actually that was all. Matt Dillon drove a car quite fast, got arrested for it and was released. What happens next is anyone’s guess – chances are that if Matt Dillon is found guilty of speeding then he might have to complete a community service sentence, possibly in a field that he’s already an expert at. And that means he’ll have to teach some deprived kids how to either a) mumble a lot or b) drive a red rented car at 106mph in a 65mph zone in Vermont. Because they are the only two things that Matt Dillon is good at. And the second one seems a little bit counterproductive, frankly.

However, at least by allegedly speeding Matt Dillon has broken his hecklerspray duck, and we look forward to writing about him again in the year 2013 when he does something equally newsworthy, like prodding a cat with a pencil or thinking about some crisps or whatever. We can’t wait!

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There are plenty of places you don’t want to see DMX – like in a movie, for example. Actually, mainly a movie. Seriously, have you seen Father Of Lies?

But one other place where you don’t want to see DMX is anywhere where he has access to a car. Because, by christ, DMX is a titting maniac when he gets behind the wheel of a car. DMX has already been arrested perhaps a million times in the past for driving like a berserk twonk, and now he’s flipping well at it again.

DMX has been arrested for bombing up and down an Arizona freeway at 114mph. There’s just something so warmly familiar about hearing that DMX has been driving like a dickhead again, isn’t there? It’s like putting on a comfortable pair of slippers, albeit a large metal and glass pair of slippers on wheels that are being driven by a monumental turdhole.

The thing we like best about DMX is his stunning versatility. It applies to everything in his life, you see – one minute he’ll be singing a song called Fuck Y’All, then he’ll flip reverse it and sing a song called We Don’t Give A Fuck. Or take DMX’s films – one day he might decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Death Toll, then he’ll decide to make a hopelessly generic low-budget straight-to-DVD action thriller like Never Die Alone.

And this extraordinary versatility extends to DMX’s criminal record, too. You just never know which crazy way DMX will choose to break the law at any given moment in time. On the one hand he might refuse to wear a seatbelt in an aeroplane, but on the other the decomposing corpses of his inhumanely treated pet dogs might be burnt in an attempt to fend off animal cruelty accusations. You just never know with that crazy kid.

Mainly, though, DMX will break the law with a car if he gets the chance. He doesn’t care what sort of car, so long as it’s got wheels and can easily be used to do whatever cack-headed illegal whim he can think of. You name it – be it driving on a suspended license or hiding a gun under the seat or crashing it and then claiming he’s an FBI agent – if it involves a car and is deeply moronic, DMX can be sure to have done it.

And this time DMX has managed to get arrested for driving his car at almost twice the speed limit in Arizona. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those pesky clearly-marked speed cameras everywhere. Reuters reports:

Simmons, 37, is accused in the January 21 incident of racing on a highway, reckless driving, two counts of endangerment, three counts of speeding and driving on a suspended license. “Criminal speeding endangers the lives of everyone on the road,” said Roger Vanderpool, state Department of Public Safety director, in a prepared statement. “Mr. Simmons wasn’t signalled out because of his notoriety.”

Although the sheer frequency of car-based arrests DMX has found himself with suggests that any punishment he receives will be harsh, hopefully it won’t involve DMX having his car taken away from him. Cars run through DMX’s veins. Literally, he has abnormally wide veins. Anyway, you know what DMX is without a car in his life? Ja Rule, that’s what. Terrifying.

And, besides, if DMX isn’t allowed to repeatedly break the law in his car any more, then what’ll he do? Get sleep-raped by more women? Come on!

Read more:

Rapper DMX arrested for racing car on Ariz highway – Reuters