The US general election is right around the corner, by which we mean that it’s weeks and weeks and weeks away.

But that hasn’t stopped everyone wigging out about it, though. It’s been reported that people are so behind Barack Obama this year that 22.3 million people watched Monday’s Democratic convention speech by his wife, Michelle Obama. 22.3 million people watching a woman basically just bang on about her feelings for ages? That’s impressive. Mental, but impressive.

You can tell from this that things are really gearing up for Barack Obama, and things are definitely falling into place for that fateful day when he inevitably loses the election and everyone goes home feeling a bit deflated.

As sensible, well-educated individuals, it’s only natural that your primary news source for the American general election should a British celebrity blog whose recent high-point was a list of some films that are funny if you’re shitfaced. And, people, we’re not going to let you down.

At this very moment the status of the presidential nominees look like this: Madonna thinks John McCain is all skanky and old and evil, while Barack Obama makes Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son’s heart go bingy bing bong. That’s just about as cut and dried as things can ever be.

And yet, somehow, the considered opinion of political heavyweights like Madonna and Sarah Jessica Parker’s five-year-old son aren’t enough to sway everyone. And that’s why the Democratic National Convention is currently taking place. It’s basically like a photocopier toner salesman convention except with either more or less whores, depending on how much photocopier toner salesmen like whores.

And such is the strength of feeling about the Democratic National Convention that 22.3 million people tuned in to watch a speech by Barack Obama’s wife Michelle Obama. No wonder – Michelle Obama has presented The View and won a contest about who wears the nicest clothes. She’s just like Princess Diana, if Princess Diana had done either of those things.

Anyway, if you’re one of the weirdos who didn’t watch Michelle Obama’s convention speech, here’s a sample of what you missed:

“I come here as a Mom whose girls are the heart of my heart and the center of my world – they’re the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about when I go to bed at night.”

Other topics covered by Michelle Obama in the speech included ‘Blah Blah Blah Iraq’, ‘Blah Blah Blah Economy’ and ‘Blah Blah Blah Honest Working Class Blah Blah Blah’. It’ll be out on DVD soon. Jesus is doing the commentary, apparently.

Although it’ll be interesting to see whether or not Cindy McCain’s speech at next week’s Republican National Convention gets the same audience figures – chances are it won’t because her topics are thought to include ‘Blah Blah Blah I’m Old’, ‘Blah Blah Blah I Don’t Care About You People’ and ‘Blah Blah Blah Kicking Orphans Down A Well Is My One True Love’ – there is still one disappointment regarding Michelle Obama’s speech.

Even though 22.3 million people watched her, that’s still five million less than the average viewing figures for the Olympics. It’s easily solved, though. Next time, more Lycra please Michelle.

Awesome or Off-Putting is a weekly delve into cryptozoology, ufology, aliens, medical marvels, scientific wonders, secret societies, government conspiracies, cults, ghosts, EVPs, myths, ancient artifacts, religion, strange facts, odd sightings or just the plain unexplainable.

This week: Strange Facts

In 1969 the American space program was fledgling. Regardless of their inexperience, the pimple-faced NASA felt obligated to take a solid crack at sticking boots on the moon. This they did, as we now know today. Neil Armstrong said something about jumping, and Buzz Aldrin was probably pissed Armstrong beat him down the ladder.

What's a little less known is that the American up and ups weren't entirely sure they could get their boys back to Earth. In fact, things were so uncertain Richard Nixon even had a speech drafted up in case of horrific failure. Hecklerspray has it for you.

Yes we do.

The American government thought it a real possibility that Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin could get stranded on the moon. They thought it possible that the astronauts could get stuck there with maybe a few days worth of oxygen in their lunar module, and one would have to watch the other slowly suffocate to death only to follow within minutes.

There was even a game plan in place should this occur – the President would call the not-yet widows to offer condolences, toss around the word hero, and maybe assure them that both men were well above resorting to cannibalism. Said game plan also included a speech to be given to the American public should the worst case scenario occur – and here it is:

"These brave men, Neil Armstrong and Edwin Aldrin, know that there is no hope for their recovery. But they also know that there is hope for mankind in their sacrifice. These two men are laying down their lives in mankind's most noble goal: the search for truth and understanding. They will be mourned by their families and friends; they will be mourned by the nation; they will be mourned by the people of the world; they will be mourned by a Mother Earth that dared send two of her sons into the unknown.

In their exploration, they stirred the people of the world to feel as one; in their sacrifice, they bind more tightly the brotherhood of man. In ancient days, men looked at the stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do much the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood. Others will follow, and surely find their way home. Man's search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts. For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever mankind."

Read More:

Apollo 11 Memo – The Smoking Gun