Hello, and welcome to another hecklerspray. What’s that? Sorry, but we couldn’t quite hear you.

It’s probably because we’re blasting Electric Youth, track 7 of Debbie Gibson‘s critically acclaimed second album, also entitled Electric Youth. We realise most people might think it’s entirely too loud, but loud is the only way to listen to such an incredible talent.

Allow us, if you will, to reach past our 8.5×11 full-colour glossy autographed copy of a Debbie Gibson 2003 head shot, past our recently acquired eBay-sandwich bag full of Debbie Gibson hair and soap scrapings, and past the finely stitched velveteen pillow delicately covered in rose petals and lip-shaped chap stick smudges, to turn down the volume. That’s for Debbie. The pillow is for Debbie.

What’s that? You didn’t know any of us Deb-heads still existed? You may be surprised to know, then, that there are enough of us to almost literally fill the convention room of the Renaissance Inn down in Oklahoma City. One such fan even stalked her recently – followed her all the way to her hotel room. She did not appreciate this at all.

The country of Spain loves a good bull fight. Also they love murdering all Aztecs everywhere and throwing doubloons deep into the ocean. That’s all they like though. Seriously – they can fit it all on two cable channels.

Oh – and they love Debbie Gibson too. At least enough for her to sing in things called ‘nationwide performances.’ The people there really eat it up. One things for sure though – she doesn’t reciprocate the affections.

That’s not true. Gibson would likely be the first to tell you every single lyric she’s written in the past decade and a half, she’s written with España in mind. Except for one of them anyway.

One Spanish fan has gone too far. All he wanted to do was marry Debbie forever and carry her perfect babies for as many trimesters as it took, but he showed it in awkward ways. As Colin Farrell, Sandra Bullock, Tyra Banks and Conan O’Brien might all tell you, the delivery makes all the difference. Jordi Bassas Puigdollers, though, showed it through unsolicited phone calls, emails, trips backstage, and once even by following Debbie back to her hotel room and slipping a well-written ‘Let’s meet’ note under her door. Puigdollers was contacted for a comment, and he said:

“I wanted to use the fan club to help people who can’t go see her to get autographs and photos.”

You can’t act like that, our Spanish friend. For the good of your very freedom, you have to move on. If you really need someone to cling to, might we suggest either Tiffany or Samantha Fox. They don’t really respond to fan mail either, but so far they haven’t been that mean about it.

We keep pushing for them to double-headline the Utah state fair. It appears things are booked clear through 2015.

Read More:

Debbie Gibson Seeks Restraining Order Against Spanish Man – Associated Press

We're starting to get the impression that Jessica Alba is running out of ways to keep her pregnancy sexy.

That's not to say that she didn't do a good job initially – in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That's a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.

And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she's only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is… well, it's crap, let's not beat around the bush.

Poor old Jessica Alba. Thanks to Jennifer Lopez's stupendous pregnancy, she's been relegated all over town. She hasn't got the biggest bump, she's not the most famous pregnant Latino, she's not even the most famous pregnant mother whose name begins with the letter J.  

But, as we've already maintained, what Jessica Alba has got is a giant gob that she's unable to keep quiet. On and on, she goes, yapping away about every single detail of her pregnancy from how much she likes it to how big her tits have got to how much of a demented hormone monster it's turned her into. On and on and on. At least we can turn Jessica Alba off – her unborn baby must be doing its nut.

But, hey, Jessica Alba's unborn baby had better learn to appreciate all the English it hears coming out of her mouth, because Jessica Alba has pledged to only speak Spanish to it from the second it emerges from her body. And it's all because Jessica Alba hates her dad. Or something. IOL reports:

Jessica Alba will speak nothing but Spanish when her baby is born later this year because she regretted not picking up the language of her grandparents when she was a child. "I wish to God that my dad spoke Spanish to my brother and me, but he didn't grow up with it. Hopefully I can pick it up because I want my kids to speak Spanish. I don't even want them to speak English for maybe the first two to three years, until pre-school. We're in the United States so they're going to learn it anyway." 

What a selfless thing for Jessica Alba to commit herself to do. But it won't be easy, only talking to a child in a second language. That's why we here at hecklerspray have decided to help Jessica Alba out with a few choice Spanish phrases she'll need as a mother, starting from her labour:

• Obtener esta maldita rata mal fuera de mi cuerpo – Get this fucking evil rat out of my body.

• Deje de llorar, por el amor de dios que usted acaba de dejar de llorar por un segundo – Stop crying, for the love of god would you stop crying just for a second.

• Yo solía ser tan bonita – I used to be so pretty.

• Juro a Dios, si no que este jodido alimentos en su boca follando estoy poniendo el pie en la eliminación de desechos - I swear to god, if you don't put this fucking food in your fucking mouth I'm putting your foot in the garbage disposal.

• Lamento que cada vez que ridículo 'sólo español' promesa a usted – I regret ever making that ridiculous 'Spanish only' promise to you.

Read and repeat, Jessica, read and repeat

Read more:

Alba will only speak Spanish to baby - IOL 

How will 2007 be remembered, do you think?

The year that Tony Blair stepped down after a ten-year tenure as Prime Minister? The year in which California wildfires prompted a mass evacuation? The year of the monks and their Burmese protests?

Possibly, yes. But it seems that for some of you, 2007 will go down as the year that Hecklerspray made a boo-boo by including one too many syllables in the first line of a winning celebrity haiku. Yeah, yeah – we made a mistake. Sorry 'bout that.

Oh. And if, say, anyone was so enraged by an error in a bit-of-fun weekly poetry contest as to label the writer 'a pallid excuse for a human being', might we direct you to this. Or this. Maybe, y'know, take some notes or something.

Anyway. On with the show. This week we're looking at bespectacled director-type Woody Allen. But first, let's have a quick peek at last week's winner.

Seven days ago, we asked you to come up with yer best Celebrity haikus about the fact that Paul McCartney was reportedly dating actress Rosanna Arquette. The winner was someone called Wambachumba, who wrote:

Paul gets angry calls
from Heather. Because you see,
he still has the leg.

Well done, you. As for the rest of you – chin up. You can always try your hand at this week's challenge. We want you to write haikus about this:

Director Woody Allen has quit shooting his new movie in Barcelona following disputes with locals.

All you have to do is remember the golden rule of haiku (and, Christ, have we been reminded of it enough times this week): five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables. An example based on this week's story would look a little somethin' like this:

Woody Allen will

have to take cameras home

after arguments.

Okay, okay. That was rubbish. And that's why we need you to do better. Entries in the comments box below, if you please …

Read More:

Woodie Allen Quits Spanish Film Shoot - Femalefirst