Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.
See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.
Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?
The American army are all big and tough aren’t they? They won WWII single-handedly according to the movies and did a grand job in Vietnam and are currently in the Middle East, posing next to pictures of people being tortured.
Don’t mess with the American armed forces, right? They can withstand anything!
Apart from, that is, people calling them names. The old adage of ‘sticks and stones’ doesn’t apply to the US military because that’s what hurts them the most. If only Al-Qaeda knew this from the off! They could’ve battered America just by calling them all nasty names. It would’ve saved a lot of money on pilot training too. And we know this because of something that Soulja Boy has done.
Do this for us. Firstly, plug up your ears with cotton wool. Okay? Done that? Now, rest a snooker ball under your tongue. Got that? Now, sing “yeeeah, got my swag on” while running down a flight of stairs.
Congratulations! You sound exactly like Soulja Boy, the kid who found fame with his voice despite sounding like someone was pulling teeth from a lively bovine.
In fairness, you don’t sound exactly like Soulja Boy because you aren’t shooting your mouth off at everyone, especially some rather fruity racial and homophobic slurs, which appeared on his Facebook page over the weekend.
Rapping isn’t easy. Your average hip-hop track has an album’s worth of words, which across the whole of a hip-hop long player, is an astonishing amount of lyrics and themes to tackle. The best switch between styles, influenced by reggae toasters, jazz scats and some even invent their own envelope to push.
However, there’s a whole host of really rotten rappers out there who spit the prose in the most clunky, rhythmless manner. It’s pretty bad when you, a bona fide hip hop superstar, can be outrapped by The Anfield Rap.
No matter though! You would-be superstars of hip hop need not worry because we have a list of dreadful MCs to look at so you can learn from their mistakes. Avoid what they do, and you could be the next Tyler the Creator or Rakim!
OK, OK, the Christmas number one is going to be that weird Scottish X Factor boy and his horrible Mariah Carey song – but let's forget about that.
Because for the first part of this week we'll be looking at the Christmas number one betting odds not including Sobby X Factor Cry-Boy. With him and his ratty hair and funny teeth out of the way, the Christmas number one betting odds market is wide open – wide open to all the other crummy ballads and shit-awful novelty records that are released at this time of year. And, really, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Isn't it?
Here are the Christmas number one betting odds for Soulja Boy, Alesha Dixon and Sugababes…
