soul - HecklerSpray

Life For Dr. Conrad Murray Really Is Poo In Jail

March 29th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Poor Dr. Conrad Murray, we can imagine that he's not having the best of times in prison at the moment. Despite being convicted of the manslaughter of a certain Michael Jackson, he knows that, when he's released, he?ll be battered with abuse from fanatical Jackson goons.

We don't imagine prison to be an exciting place, especially in America. Our yank buddies seem a bit stricter on discipline and prefer to harbour inmates in cells without luxuries such as TV, radio and concealed weapons.

Some might argue that criminals deserve nothing, though they need some basics if they’re expected to see out a sentence given to them without hanging themselves with their shoelaces. One such thing is clean drinking water and the last time we checked, the BBC has held no telethon to raise money for dirty drinking water in LA. But if reports are to be believed, we might have to help America out. ?Sexy? Dr. Conrad Murray is blaming an embarrassing problem on what he drinks.

Bobby Brown Shocks Everyone By Getting Arrested Again

March 27th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

After telling everyone that he slept in his car, nearly bankrupting himself to get Whitney Houston into rehab, everyone briefly thought that they had Bobby Brown all wrong. Maybe he’s a nice guy and not the ghoul he’s been painted as?

But then you remember the trouble he’s caused all by himself. Candy Girl being one such unforgiveable example.

So now, we revert to type, with the LAPD saying that Bobby has been arrested for being absolutely ripped to his tits by the wheel of a car. ‘DUI’ if you’re American. ‘Drink driving’ if you live in England. ‘Stop being so soft, he’s fine’ if you’re Scottish.

Michael Jackson Death Mansion Goes Up For Sale!

March 23rd, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Michael Jackson news has been slightly thin on the ground of late hasn't it? As far as we know, the Jackson estate has no plans to pump out another batch of supposed special edition albums that are limited to only a thousand million copies.

And because you know hecklerspray will never go out of our way to make inappropriate jokes about Michael?s life for comedy purposes, we promise to restrict this article to only two kiddy touching jokes… and we never lie.

As we all know, the world lost one of the last great remaining singers in June 2009 when his heart did a boogie and went into a fatal cardiac arrest. Since the death of Michael, fans have gone bonkers to get any sort of memorabilia. After all, all his dates at the O2 in London suddenly got pulled seeing as his deceased state stopped him from performing. Now, almost three years on from his passing, the ultimate fan item has become available.

R Kelly Doesn’t Understand Irony And Unleashes More Back In The Closet Episodes

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine how hard it is being R Kelly. First off, everyone keeps mentioning the whole urine/minor thing. Then there’s your inner voice that tells you everyone is out to get you… that you’re washed-up. Then there’s the whole Not Understanding Irony Thing.

See, Uncle Kels has forged a career based on some truly wonderful records, coupled with a Dubious Private Life. People love him. It is funny to love R Kelly. Especially when you listen to the lyrics of ‘Shut Up’ or watch the video for ‘Real Talk’.

And of course, his magnus opus is the baffling, hilarious, disturbing, ego-wank that is Trapped In The Closet. And thanks to his lack of insight or foresight, he’s only gone and made a whole load of new episodes of the slopera to deal with some of its ‘mysteries’.

Whitney Houston’s Daughter Is ‘Incestuous’ With Her Brother

March 15th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

There was always going to be something of a media circus after Whitney Houston died. All eyes were on Bobby Brown because… well… he’s barking mad and volatile. He was odds-on to be the biggest, most public wreck of them all.

Along came Bobbi Kristina, Whitney and Bobby’s daughter to completely knock all other lunacy out of the park.

See, it appears she’s been getting off with her brother. No-one saw incest coming along in this script, did they?

Blue Ivy Carter Wears Some Clothes, World Goes Mental

March 15th, 2012 By Matthew Laidlow

Clothes, they're important aren't they? We wear them to primarily keep us warm, though there are people who?ll pay over the odds for the same white t-shirt, just because they've got a fancy designer label stitched in. But whatever the cost, they all come in handy, especially if hot chip fat is destined towards scalding our genitals.

As adults, we have the choice of whether we want to cover ourselves in the finest clubbed seal, or market-stall clobber. Babies however, have no control in what garments they’re clothed in. Boys wear blue and girls get covered in pink, though both items will have the same eerie smiling bubble bee design.

People don’t mind buying cheap clothes for babies because they grow so appallingly quickly. Anything will do. Most tots are clad in hessian sacks aren’t they? If you're one of the rich and famous, life?s a little easier. Instead of actually buying clothes, it's sometimes appears that designers use newborn children as crawling billboards to promote their stuff. Marc Jacobs won't be complaining after mystery child Blue Ivy Carter has been seen in his tiny person?s shoes.

Did Whitney Houston Have A Weird Affair With Weird Jermaine Jackson? (Includes Corpses)

March 5th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Okay, now that Whitney Houston is dead, we can say all manner of things about her private life because she’s not around to refute accusations. Naturally, we can tag other celebrities into the gossip because they’re needy for attention.

And so, what’s all this about Whitney (dead, unable to defend herself) and Jermaine Jackson (desperate to reflect in the glory of another gigantically huge superstar corpse, again) having an affair?

That’s the story swirling around at the minute and, better yet, it will annoy Berry Gordy, founder of Motown Records. And Bobby Brown lives in a constant state of irritation so nothing will change there.

Have A Listen To Damon Albarn And Flea’s Supergroup New Funk Track

August 4th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Damon Albarn, of Blur, Gorillaz, Monkey opera, The Good The Thingy The Dead And The Whatever, and whichever thing we’ve forgotten about, has yet another new project, this time, called?Rocketjuice And The Moon.

Not that he’s hugely indulgent these days, oh no.

And you can have a listen to a new track – which features Erykah Badu and Flea on bass – called ‘Hey Shooter’ if you click over the jump. Expect funk.

Whitney Houston: Now A Front Cover Pin-Up Corpse! (Or: Look At The Picture We’ve Got Of Dead Whitney)

February 24th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing like a cadaver on the front cover of a magazine to really put a spring in your step, right? And the National Enquirer have done us all proud by showing Whitney Houston’s corpse on the face of their magazine!

Of course, this has caused outrage from various media outlets who absolutely didn’t publish Saddam Hussein’s dead body in their publications. It has caused a kerfuffle amongst those who definitely didn’t show the dead bodies of Colonel Gadaffi and Osama Bin Laden.

Or Elvis Presley. Or Marilyn Monroe. Or JFK. Or John Lennon. Or Kurt Cobain. Or the jumpers of the 9/11 tragedy. Or a picture of the bath in which Whitney died.

Channel 5 Gleefully Urinate On Whitney Houston’s Freshly Filled Grave

February 20th, 2012 By Randy Figgins

No doubt we’ll be getting a lot of angry letters about that headline.? So we’ll ask you to read it again.? Channel 5.? Not us.? All members of hecklerspray are perfectly potty trained and respectful of burial rights.

Alas, someone at Britain’s 5 most popular bog standard telly channel let slip a bit of ‘oopsie’ in the form of two very badly matched adverts.? It could be a truly tragic error, or it could be the work of a moustache twirling baddie switching tapes around before tying young women to railway tracks.

Whatever, you’ll probably blame it all on us anyway.