Without question, Big Brother 2009 will be remembered for one of three things.

It could be remembered as the Big Brother that nobody cared about. Or it could be remembered as the Big Brother that was won by Sophie Reade, 2009′s obligatory thick blonde girl with big knockers. Or it could be remembered as the Big Brother where Davina McCall turned up to the final in fancy dress and nobody really understood why.

But whatever. On Friday night Sophie Reade emerged triumphant as the winner of Big Brother 2009. So that’ll be the last that anyone hears from her, then.

The best way to judge the quality of a Big Brother series is to look at how successful the winner became after leaving the show. For example, Craig Phillips from the first Big Brother released his own Christmas single, which meant that his series was of moderate to good quality. Then there was last year’s winner Rachel Rice, whose name people had completely forgotten by the time her celebratory firework display had ended, which meant that her series was almost universally woeful.

And don’t forget Brian Belo, who could most recently be seen vomiting a raw egg into a party hat which, based on the rules that we just laid out, meant that his series of Big Brother was a historic moment of televisual excellence. Don’t argue with fact.

Anyway, all this means that the quality of Big Brother 2009 now rests firmly on the shoulders of Sophie Reade, who was declared the winner on Friday. Sophie – who about three of you might know better as Dogface – beat the likes of The Gay One, The Other Gay One, The Other Other Gay One and The One Who Seemed Like He Should Be Gay But Apparently Wasn’t to secure the Big Brother title. And it’s easy to see why.

Because Big Brother is all about the journey, isn’t it? And Sophie had the biggest journey of all – she entered the Big Brother house as the skinny blonde girl with big boobs who everyone assumed would be thick, and she left it 93 days later as the slightly fat girl with big boobs who everybody knew was stupid. Honestly, you couldn’t make it up. Well, you could, but you’d be beaten unconscious for your tragic lack of imagination if you tried to.

So now is Sophie Reade’s time to shine. And in all seriousness, we think that she might end up doing quite well out of Big Brother. At the very least she could follow the paths of Imogen Thomas, Michelle Bass and Chanelle Hayes and become a set of tits for hire by the likes of Nuts and Zoo – but she shouldn’t let her career be dulled by a lack of ambition here. After all, none of those other girls actually won Big Brother and Sophie did. The world is her oyster now. She should aim for the absolute top.

That’s right – she should try and become a set of tits for hire for the ten-minute Television X freeview porno preview. We believe in you, Dogface!

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Tonight’s the big night! After approximately most of our entire life, this series of Big Brother will end tonight.

We jest – in all seriousness Big Brother has actually had one of the best years on record. But nobody cares, because hardly anyone watched it and it’s dying soon anyway so what’s the point? Huh? What’s the bloody point point of anything any more?

Anyway, which of the remaining Big Brother housemates will end up winning the prize money, releasing a fitness DVD and embarking on a disastrous pop career? Time to have one final look, we suppose…

David – What? Surely there’s some mistake here. Apparently David is the least likely to win Big Brother tonight. That doesn’t make much sense – are you all watching the same David as we are? The David who introduced himself to the public by bellowing “UP YER FLAPS!” like a sort of furious Nordic walrus? The David who can’t even mention Vivienne Westwood without drooling and figuratively slapping at his genitals? The same David who blunders around the Big Brother house with the exact same Napoleon Dynamite meets Your Nan expression on his face regardless of the situation? Really? You people are weird.

Charlie And Rodrigo – We’re lumping Charlie and Rodrigo together here, because a) neither of them are going to win and b) they’re like two sides of the same psychologically-traumatised coin. They love each other, but they hate each other. They fight, but they kiss. They pour water on one another, but they embark on terrifying 45-minute shriek-rants about it in the Big Brother diary room afterwards. We’d like to say that Charlie and Rodrigo bring out the worst in each other, but that simply isn’t true – because we can barely remember that Charlie even exists at the best of times, even when we’re staring at a photo of his face with his name written all over it.

Siavash – Oh Siavash, so near and yet so far. If only Noirin had decided to give you an emotional kicking three weeks later, you would have waltzed away with the Big Brother prize. But sadly she didn’t – she loved you, ditched you and now you’re forced to repeatedly mumble “Hey, let’s all walk out” to yourself every couple of minutes for entertainment. Where’s the old, fun Siavash? Actually, no, there never really was a fun Siavash, was there? Because, seriously, if you had a functioning personality then you wouldn’t resort to growing a beard that crap, would you?

Dogface – And so to Dogface, or Sophie, or whatever she’s called now. Dogface needs to win Big Brother the least, in fairness – her gigantic boobs have all but ensured that she’ll be a lad’s mag staple for years to come – and yet somehow it looks like she’s going to. We’re going to put a Dogface victory down to the fact that she’s the least objectionable housemate remaining on Big Brother – except for David, obviously, but you idiots obviously can’t see that. However, Dogface does seem to have an inkling that she might win Big Brother – she’s just dumped Kris, and if that isn’t a statement of wanting to keep all her OK! covershoot money for herself, we don’t know what is.

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As far as Big Brother goes, tomorrow is going to be a huge day – it’s the first real Big Brother eviction of the year.

And you know what that means? It means that there’s only going to be another seven evictions, then the introduction of four more housemates, then another six evictions, then some more introductions, then some evictions, then a re-introduction, then some more evictions and Big Brother will all be over! Hooray!

Anyway, this week’s Big Brother eviction is between Sophia and Freddie, also known as Halfwit. Who’ll go? Let’s find out…

Halfwit – We know this isn’t going to be a popular thing to say, but we’ve actually developed quite the soft spot for young Halfwit over the short amount of time that Big Brother has been on air. For the first time in years, Big Brother has found a genuinely unpredictable housemate. Not in the tiresome ‘Gor, look at me! I’m being deliberately eccentric!’ way that propelled Crazy Pete to victory all those years ago, but more in the sense that you literally can’t ever guess what he’s about to do. Tuesday’s Big Brother, for example, was a masterclass in guile-free cluelessness – first Halfwit gave a lecture about how he’s an anarchist (just one who’s really, really structured in everything he does); then he cooked a salad using the all the eggs in the house and people got angry and he had to hug someone because he was sad; then he decided to put everything right by performing an Italian aria for everyone, followed by an encore of Summertime that was seemingly inspired by the dying yelps of a homeless man. If Halfwit gets evicted from Big Brother tomorrow, and we don’t say this with any exaggeration, it’ll be the worst thing that’s ever happened to mankind.

Sophia - Similarly, Sophia must leave Big Brother on Friday. She just must. For starters, there’s already a Sophie, a Sophia and a Saffia in the Big Brother house this year, which just seems like shoddy planning on the part of the producers. And then there’s Sophia’s mood-swings, which caused her to lurch from ecstatic euphoria to frightening anger within the space of about three seconds earlier this week. In fact, given the way Sophia’s outburst was treated in the televised broadcast, it seems as if she’s the first disabled Big Brother housemate in about five years who we’ve actively been encouraged to dislike. And we’re all for being discouraged to dislike people. So, yes, her out please.

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Big Brother started on Thursday night, right? Wrong.

In actually fact, if you want to be bewilderingly petty about it, Big Brother only started last night. Because last night, the final housemates were given official housemate status. True, that meant saying goodbye to Beinazir, but we’re sure she’ll go on to have a bright future. Those Subway signs don’t hold themselves up, you know.

So now we know who the final Big Brother housemates are, the ‘fun’ starts here. Let’s take a look at the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye so far…

Noirin – Along with Rodrigo, who is so completely identical to Kenneth from 30 Rock that we now truly believe he sees people as Muppets, Noirin was the first Big Brother contestant to be granted official housemate status. Why? Because she shaved her eyebrows off and drew a pair of glasses on her face with marker pen. For many people that would be humiliating, but not Noirin – in fact, her tenacity was something to be applauded. “I’ve come this far already,” Noirin said through gritted teeth, seemingly putting the act of auditioning for a TV show that ran out of interesting people seven whole years ago as a level of bravery up there with with self-amputating a frost-bitten appendage with a jagged tin can in the middle of a disaster-prone Everest climb. And for that alone, Noirin, we salute you.

Sophie & Karly – We’re lumping Sophie and Karly in as one Big Brother housemate for the time being for the following reasons: 1) They’re both blonde, 2) They’ve both got big knockers, 3) They both look like they’d be genuinely stumped if someone asked them to spell their own names, and 4) If they haven’t posed on the cover of Nuts magazine standing together topless with their boobs touching by October, we’re literally going to eat a hat. In fact, neither Sophie or Karly need to win Big Brother, because their future as low-rent soft porn Television X preview presenters is probably already in the bag. But it was nice to see on Thursday’s Big Brother launch show when Sophie and Karly instantly gravitated to one another purely because they look alike. We were hoping that some of the other housemates would use the same networking tactic, but that didn’t happen. In Siavash‘s case, we assume that this was because none of the other housemates were heavily-sedated grizzly bears who’d been dressed up to look like Jesus by a medically-diagnosed cretin with cataracts.

Lisa – Oh Lisa, you gone and done tricked us, didn’t you? There you were, with your tattooed head and piercings and obvious lesbianism, looking like you’d destroy Big Brother from the inside out with your anarchy and mistrust of authority, and it turns out that you’re essentially quite a nice person. Look, we’re going to warn you once here, Lisa, and only once. Big Brother is no place for people who look like they know how to think. Your days here are going to be numbered, young lady, unless you knuckle down and do something more in keeping with your fellow housemates. Like, say, walk into a window again and again for 45 minutes wondering out loud why the air is so hard, or try and speak a normal sentence but get confused halfway through and just end up crying and dribbling down yourself, OK? Either that or out yourself as J from 5ive in drag, since that’s who you clearly are.

Kris – Kris would appear to be the male totty in the Big Brother house this year, which is a bit of a shame because he appears to be one of the Jonas Brothers in a Rod Hull tribute wig. But let’s go along with it anyway – Kris is sexy because his name is deliberately spelt wrong and his main competition in the sexy boy stakes is an over-privileged young Conservative with a funny hat and a name that’s now legally Halfwit. Who will Kris’s first inevitable Big Brother fling be with? The obvious choice is either Karly or Sophie, but we wouldn’t rule out Noirin just yet. Or Rodrigo, for that matter. A boy’s got needs, after all. Anyway, we’re convinced that Big Brother is going to wait until Kris is certain that he’s this year’s heartthrob, and then drop in a better-looking male housemate for no other reason than to destroy his self-esteem. It’s what we’d do, anyway.

Cairon – And then there’s Cairon, who achieved official Big Brother housemate status by putting a biscuit in some tea for about 20 seconds. This series is going to be non-stop excitement from beginning to end, isn’t it?

Later in the week: more of this Big Brother nonsense.

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First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby‘s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

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