Most of the time it will be quite accessible, but then we may crank it up a notch to leave you with a horrible taste in your mouth. You know, like when slurping down some two month old milk complete with that yummy lumpy flavouring.

After the last few weeks of giving you nice and pleasant stuff to download and share it’s about time to offer something that will hopefully make you laugh. Or if you’re Mary Whitehouse, send us verbal abuse for us to ignore.

Kunt And The Gang offer an alternative view of love songs. Well that’s what we think anyway. Whatever the case, they still amuse us.

Unless you’re a bit slow, you’ve probably not realised that any band with the word Kunt (that’s ‘kunt’ with a k) isn’t going to be in the best of taste. For any train spotters out there, it’s also hecklerspray’s second band in recent times who have the word ‘cunt’ in the name. So are we just being annoying and writing about stuff that will confuse most of you? It would appear not.

Listen to a song on mainstream TV or radio and you’re not going to be listening to anything with any sort of humour attached to it. All we get are blokes sounding like they’ve been kicked in the knackers before belting out shite ballad after shite ballad. Why can’t we have some fun?

Our previous discoveries in the humour department have led us to Cassetteboy – the only slight difference between the two is that Kunt And The Gang don’t seem to piss over copyright laws as much. We say “as much”, because we aren’t sure that Carol Vorderman would approve of herself being the centre of a brilliantly crafted song all about various sexual acts.

The music of Kunt And The Gang isn’t to be taken seriously at all. When looking at reviews for some of their records, such as – I Have A Little Wank And I Have A Little Cry and One Last Wank And One Last Cry it appears that the reviewers have got the wrong end of the stick. Amazingly enough, this is meant to be funny and to get people to laugh.

Ignore all the swearing and have a laugh – seriously, if you don’t smile during songs such as Fucksticks you don’t deserve to have a sense of humour. Hell, the people behind this project work so quick that there’s even a tribute song to Barry George on there (remember – he was stalking other women at the time and not Jill Dando).

If anyone can tell us the inspiration for the band name, leave it in the comment box and we’ll send you a whole packet of Space Raiders. Or failing that, some used pens. You can decide.

For more:

Kunt and the Gang

Like that time Lindsay Lohan accepted our MySpace 'friend request.' How was hecklerspray supposed to know that 'friend request' didn't mean 'please stand outside my house shouting inappropriate sexual slurs before being dragged off by the police in a haze of tear-gas and rubber bullets'? And don't even get us started on that time the internet promised us a load of money from Nigeria.

Pain is only relevant, however, if shared by a celebrity. Any fool knows that. Which is why hecklerspray is particularly enamoured with Kelly Clarkson - she hates the internet too, and she's going to tell you all about it. Well, actually, we are. In a vaguely sarcastic manner. Before linking to the story itself. Come on, you know the score by now.

Why does Kelly Clarkson hate the cyber-realm all of a sudden? Because it went behind her back and stole some of her new unfinished tracks, that's why. Then what did the internet do? It went and shared them, with the entire world. The unimaginable bastard.

The four songs in question go by the names of Close Your Eyes, Ready, One Day, and With a Little Bit of Luck, which sound less like chart-topping pop classics and more like George describing the rabbits to Lennie. Hecklerspray for one eagerly awaits the next big Clarkson single: I Done Killed Some Girl By Petting Her Hair Too Hard (feat. Justin Timberlake).

What are Kelly Clarkson's thoughts on the whole thing? She had this to say:

"I write all the time – lots of stuff not meant to ever be released, just working on ideas. The fact that people have heard music that's not ready yet sucks, but I hope they like it."

If anyone is interested, we're happy to tell you that the tracks are said to have a 'folksy arrangement' with a 'bare-bones country approach'. We're also happy to tell you that you should consider getting out of the house more. You're actually interested in what new Kelly Clarkson material sounds like? Are you serious?

What next – you're going to get all excited about Shakira's really deep new lyrical content? Is that what's going to happen? Christ, you need to make some changes, man. Pretty soon you could find yourself writing about Kelly Clarkson's new songs in a vaguely sarcastic manner, before linking to the story itself. And how much of a loser would that make you? Eh? Eh?

Eh?

Read More:

Kelly Clarkson Annoyed By Leaked Tracks - Reuters

We've forgotten what our point was now – something about Bob Marley trying to stroke our knee, we think.

No, it's all coming back now – there are two Bob Marley movies on the way, except that they're coming out so close together that an almighty scrap has kicked off about who gets to use Bob Marley's songs. Honestly, they should just flip for it – winner gets Redemption Song, loser gets Craven Choke Puppy. Simple.

Nothing scoops Oscars quite like playing singers. Ray Charles, June Carter Cash, Edith Piaf – in recent years they've all been the subject of Oscar-winning movies. But the trouble is that the world is running out of singers to make films about. Soon there'll be a Marvin Gaye movie, a Michael Hutchence movie and a Milli Vanilli movie. That literally leaves just two singers who haven't had movies made about them – Gwen Stefani and Bob Marley.

And since most people would rather let rats chew on their genitals than watch a Gwen Stefani biopic, that only leaves Bob Marley. Trouble is, everyone wants to make a Bob Marley movie.

Earlier this month The Weinstein Company announced that it was going to produce a Bob Marley movie based on his ex-wife Rita Marley's memoirs No Woman, No Cry. Which admittedly sounded lovely – not only did Bob Marley lead a life interesting enough to warrant a biopic, but also by the time No Woman, No Cry was released, enough time would have passed since I Am Legend to ensure that people started to like Bob Marley again.

Trouble is, though, Martin Scorsese is making a documentary about Bob Marley at the same time, and all Bob Marley's songs have been licensed to that. Cue all manner of ironically bitter squabbles over songs called things like One Love. Metro reports:

The reggae legend's family are trying to block his music from being used in a forthcoming docudrama – even though his widow Rita is executive producer. There is also a clash over the release date, since another Marley movie is in the pipeline. The family policy has always been to prevent his music being used in any films featuring an actor portraying Marley. His estate is even concerned about the use of his songs in the Weinstein Company's imminent adaptation of Rita Marley's book, No Woman No Cry.

It's a pickle for sure, but it doesn't mean that the Weinstein Company's Bob Marley movie is completely out of options. For example, it could make the Bob Marley biopic without any songs, even though that'd be a bit like making a Neil Armstrong biopic and basing it around that time a barber stole his hair. Or it could subtly change Bob Marley's songs until they no longer infringe copyright – allowing the performance of hits like Two Loves, No Woman Some Crying and I Stole The Sheriff's Car Keys When He Had His Back Turned.

Or maybe the Bob Marley movie could contain songs only written by Bunny Wailer. No, that's a stupid idea.

Read more:

Rights row mars Marley movies – Metro 

But something worries us – the next Guitar Hero expansion pack is going to be about Aerosmith alone. And, obviously, the trouble with that is that Aerosmith are a giant sack of donkey bums. By copping out this badly, Neversoft had better pull its finger out and make sure that Guitar Hero 4 is full of songs that don't make us want to lose the will to live. Songs like these.

You might not agree with some of these choices – and you definitely won't agree with all of them – so feel free to leave any other suggestions you have in the comment box. Meanwhile, here's our massively subjective list of songs that deserve to be included in Guitar Hero 4…

10 – The Bronx, White Guilt

Part of the appeal of Guitar Hero undoubtedly comes from flouncing around your living room with a gruesome pout plastered across your face, and White Guilt is a song that'd let you do that in spades. Like a distilled, updated Guns 'N Roses, it's got enough strut to please the hair metal fans, enough rawness to please the punks and exactly the right tone to fit Guitar Hero's classic rock mandate. And if completing it could unlock a homeless rabbit costume then that'd be even better.

9 – Steely Dan, Reelin' In The Years

Steely Dan. You heard. Now, before you start threatening to string us up by our nutsacks for blaspheming in such an awful way, just hear us out. There's a certain type of Guitar Hero 3 player – let's call them 'wankers' – who enjoy nothing more than going online and filling up their side of the setlist with Through The Fire And Flames again and again even though a) the song's shit and b) they're horrible BO-stinking metal fans who know that they'll beat you because they never do anything else. The best weapon to retaliate with? That's right, the sodding Dan. Plus, you can't deny that you secretly want to have a go at the solo two minutes in.

8 – Beck, E-Pro

Not Beck's best song by a long stretch, but it's easy and beginner-friendly – and it beats the shit out of Slow Ride, wouldn't you say?

7 – Duelling Banjos

The song that multiplayer Guitar Hero was made for, frankly. Plus, if you play Guitar Hero as much as some of the people we know do, there's a strong chance that you're probably starting to look quite inbred. Hacked here for Guitar Hero 2, but surely it’s time for an official release.

6 – Lou Reed, White Light White Heat (Live) Hear sample

No, not the Velvet Underground original – the live version from 1974's Rock N Roll Animal. The version where Lou Reed takes everything that was good about the original, throws it in the bin and covers whatever's left with widdly guitars. And yodelling. We feel the widdly guitars/yodelling combination has been sorely overlooked on Guitar Hero thus far.

5 – Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks, Real Emotional Trash

We've always though it'd be nice if Guitar Hero had a long multipart song in it that wasn't One by Metallica because, you know, it's One by Metallica for God's sake. Nobody wants to listen to that more than a couple of times a decade. So instead, why not use the title track from Stephen Malkmus' new album? Starts off fiddly and quiet, quickly turns into a tendon-snapping wig-out and then collapses into an exhausted heap at the end. Probably like you would if you managed to get a perfect score on expert with it.

4 – Love, Orange Skies

Guitar Hero shouldn't be exclusively about neck-snapping rock, and Orange Skies would offer the lushest of pace-changes. It's laid-back, not insultingly easy to play and, well, just listen to it. It's bloody lovely.

3 – Iron Maiden, Run To The Hills

Not exactly giant Iron Maiden fans around here, but even we can't shake the suspicion that Guitar Hero fans travelled back in time and gave Run To The Hills to Iron Maiden just because it'd be so much fun to play on Guitar Hero. And, yes, we know it's on Rock Band. But we haven't bloody got Rock Band, have we?

2 – Dinosaur Jr, Almost Ready

Quite honestly, any Dinosaur Jr song ever recorded would make us play Guitar Hero until our arms fell off, but after a long period of contemplation we've decided to offer Almost Ready – the opener to last year's comeback Beyond album. You'd have to be an idiot not to see why – the intro alone would test the fiercest Guitar Hero player, not to mention all the freefalling solos. Look at David Letterman's face at the end – if he likes Almost Ready then Guitar Hero definitely would.

1 – Magazine, Shot By Both Sides

How this hasn't made it onto a Guitar Hero instalment yet beggars belief. Listen to that solo. Listen to it. Now imagine hitting a bunch of coloured buttons in time along with it. Feels good, doesn't it? And then there's the chorus – tricky, but not tricky enough to stop you windmilling your arms around with one foot on the coffee table at the same time. Guitar Hero people – we urge you, stick this on Guitar Hero 4. We'll love you forever for it. And isn't our love the reason why you got into this crazy business in the first place?

According to Paul McCartney:

“Some people, when they are going through periods of angst, get anxious songs that come out of it. What I notice is that I tend to do hopeful songs. It's just my method.  So I don't know whether the divorce will ever translate literally into song. It might do but I'm not so good with angst-ridden songs. My natural optimism tends to take over. Even if I've got an anxious first verse, the next verse is, 'Well, but never mind because it's going to be alright.’ Because I've got to live the sucker, I've got to get up each day and live the life."

Yes, it would seem Mr. McCartney now prioritises his general well-being above giving us, the general public – the people without whom he’d be selling knocked off car stereos from the back of a lorry (Alert all scousers:  that was a joke). "Oh, I’m sorry general public, but I can’t write any great tunes about the sadness of life, because I don’t wanna wake up in the morning wanting to kill myself."  

The selfish bastard. 

It’s a shame, though, because we're sure you were all dying to hear the song:

I’ve got nothing against your past,
Porno is what a struggling actress has to do;
I've got no qualms about the stability
of your mind
and your case, too;
Just as I’ve got nothing against your right leg
And just as neither do you  (cheers Peter Cook).

Read more:

McCartney Won't Detail Divorce in Song – PR Inside

[story by Paul Soretti]

Weird. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes – as Oasis were recording their new album at Abbey Road studios, a crazed stalker type apparently tried burst in on them, spooking them so much that they've hired a team of policemen to guard the studio for the time being. Not much is known about the identity of Oasis' new stalker, although he reportedly accused Noel Gallagher of ripping off all his music and lyrics for the new Oasis album during the encounter.

With that in mind, police are seeking to question Paul McCartney, John Lennon, any of Slade or a time-travelling version of Noel Gallagher from 13 years ago. 

Oasis are the sort of band with fans who all think they're a bit crazed, when really they're just Ben Sherman-wearing Wetherspoon-dwelling meatheads with haircuts like Miles from This Life who start to cry like confused monkeys if they hear a song with more than three chords in it. Fans who say the word "proper" when they mean the word "large."

But, although you're technically able to classify anyone who awaits the new Oasis album with anything other than a shrug and a sinking heart as 'crazed', it takes something special to become a genuine, 100% scary, crazed Oasis stalker. Something as special as, say, claiming that you've written the new Oasis album yourself and Noel Gallagher has somehow stolen your thoughts and used them for his own good.

Funnily enough, that's what appears to have happened to Oasis, thanks to a young Greek man who wanted to confront Noel Gallagher about this alleged song-theft at Abbey Road studios last week, where Oasis are recording their new album. The world's most alarming cockney told The Sun:

"The guy showed up in a proper rage. He meant business and was clearly off his rocker. He claimed that he had written all this material that Noel had nicked off him for the new album. The fella was fuming and was threatening to beat Noel up over it all. He was cursing at staff and being really threatening so the cops were called in. He tried to force his way into the studio but couldn’t get through. He heard the police were coming and turned on his heels. By the time the bobbies got down there he had gone."

Noel Gallagher will have to be careful now he's got a stalker – because nobody really knows what type of stalker he is yet. He could be a Sandra Bullock-type stalker who'll try to run him over, or a John Cusack-style stalker who'll make all kinds of claims about how much he loves Noel Gallagher. Just so long as he isn't a Colin Farrell-style stalker – we never want to hear a song called I Fucked Noel Gallagher In His Ass on MySpace or anywhere else.

But, once again, we need to make it clear that Noel Gallagher needs to keeps his wits about him at all times now, because let's not forget that this stalker thinks that he's written Noel Gallagher's lyrics. And if a man can rhyme 'magic pie' with 'passer by' then there's no telling what other atrocities he's capable of.

Read more:

Noel Has To Get A Police Guard – The Sun