Cars. Automobiles. Vehicles. Things with engines. On four wheels (sometimes three) that often get covered in ice during winter and, if you get leather seats, are too hot to sit in during the summer. Yes, our four wheeled friends are so much a part of our everyday life that it takes the release of Disney Pixar’s ‘Cars’ to actually make us consider the fact that cars might have feelings too.

Which they don’t.

And that’s a good thing because if certain cars had feelings they would almost certainly see themselves as hideous, nutrient-guzzling windbags with no friends either on the road or in the driveway. It would likely drive them to self harm, presumably by slashing their own tires while sitting in a puddle. Who knows? It’s rarely a good idea to personify inanimate objects too far as they are likely to take on a terrifying edge the next time you clamber into one to pop down to the shops.

It’s a real shame for cars. Assuming that cars do have feelings which- admittedly- might be a bit of a stretch for some of our readers who believe that Justin Bieber has a penis and that Tom Hardy can spell, it is easy to assume that being a car makes for an incredibly depressing life. You see, cars just aren’t that good looking any more. It used to be that cars were either sleek lines or grudging, grunting boxes with all the welcoming appeal of Theresa May naked in a jacuzzi but still, unlike Theresa May in a jacuzzi, one could respect the car for at least making the effort.

If cars did indeed have feelings, they’d realise how much the tone of advertising had changed. The focus is no longer on the car itself, its sleek line, its fuel efficiency or even how safe it is for the driver if you were to slam it into a child at fifty miles per hour. Now the car has become such a hideous pariah in its own industry that it’s better to focus on completely abstract elements of life instead of on the car itself. One need only look at the frankly ludicrous Renault Clio advert which stars almost every popular culture reference ever used to sell a car which is hanging from the ceiling in a state of impotent fury (more personification there).

It would be easy to suggest that the end of this advert shows the lynching of the car. The evil, putrid, spewing, belching demi-corpse of the car in a world where people passively snigger at Top Gear before complaining that their Prius doesn’t get enough miles to the gallon. People need to make up their minds. Do they hate cars or love them?

Funnily enough, it’s not just the car-buying public that have to decide what the hell they want from cars. Citroën, for example, have just released an advert which basically challenges people to buy their new DS4 model.

In the past we’ve been told that it’s rude to pick apart someone’s hard work for comic effect but to be fair, not everyone has to work this hard to produce an advert so full of preposterous misinformation. Let’s open with some yeses. Yes, you will work Sunday. Yes, you will take your hideously materialistic bitch of a wife shopping despite the fact that you’ve been working all day at your job and are knackered. Yes, you will buy coffee from Starbucks and meat from a supermarket because it’s just easier and you’re knackered from working at your job where your boss under-rates your contribution and exhausted from your home life where your hideously materialistic bitch of a wife complains because you’re ALWAYS BLOODY WORKING!

It’s little wonder that you end up conforming so much that when the opportunity arises to get fully naked in a jacuzzi with the Home Secretary arises, you’re too tired to do anything but give into the bubbles and those hard, calloused, Thatcherite hands.

Funnily enough, the Citroën DS4 is (in looks if not in policies) similar to a fully nude Theresa May in a jacuzzi. By conforming so much in life, you feel the need to break the chain and either engage in warm, wet… but still dry, disappointing coitus with a Cabinet Minister or buy a car that looks a bit like her. You know, all curiously smoothed lines where there was previously a jutting line.

It is easy to conclude that buying a Citroën DS4 is the lesser of two evils in this instance. At least in buying a hideously deformed car, so ugly that they only show it on screen for a few seconds, you are not committing an act of adultery. Although, you’ll never sell your tell-all story to a tabloid and bring down the government of the day in a whirlwind of sex scandal if you just buy a badly designed five-door coupé, will you?

That doesn’t mean that you won’t take our personification of vehicles too far and end up in a tabloid with your genitals enveloped in an exhaust pipe though. It’s all about headlines.

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Last week our editor Mof made us all listen to Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger‘ causing a mixture of great sadness, violent outbursts and uncontrollable bleeding throughout the hecklerspray bedsit.  Not a pretty sight.

So you can imagine our horror when we found out that another video has surfaced where she’s still attempting to convince us all she’s a really brilliant pop star by letting noises fall out of her mouth again while some poor fella is forced (paid) to play the guitar beside her in black and white.

We’ll let you be the judge of her new single ‘Superhero’ below but it seems that Cher cannot take any form of criticism whatsoever and is determined to answer critics on Twitter personally in some brattish attempt to get the last word.

Our Cher (not the other Cher -she’s that one who is a really rather splendid actress and probably killed Sonny Bono on that ski slope or something. We can’t remember now) went about saying things like this:

@ChloeNelmes you may view me as being talentless but ya still taking the time to tweet me, #waste.

And the newspaper showbiz columnists didn’t get off lightly either:

@3am full of shit, shuv your shitty remarks up your arse, put that on ya website, divvy shits.

Indeed.  Cher hasn’t quite grasped the concept of feedback has she?

She recently performed at T4 on the Beach alongside Example, another ‘hater’ having described Cher’s music as:

“the biggest crime since she got a record deal”

Example  told stv.tv he had nothing against Cher personally, but insisted:

“She goes in the press and slates everyone. She’s a bit horrible herself. Then everyone’s like “she’s only 17” but I think well don’t go on The X Factor then, don’t get into this industry.

So did Cher’s Twitter wrath also include some incoherent abuse directed towards Example?

@example ahh! I’m so excited! Let’s forgive and forget, and be best friends forever! Lots of love, bratface cherbear, xoxo

Nope.  She saves that for people she’ll actually never have to meet it seems.

Anyway, here’s the video. If you watch it and tell Cher you don’t like it, she’ll probably drop that giant ghetto blaster from the Swagger Jagger video on your head while you sleep.

You have been warned. Watch out for when she says “turned out to be a sad case”. Hilarious.

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Cher Lloyd can’t do a thing right. We suspect it isn’t actually anything to do with her, rather, the machinery that surrounds her. Every single move made by the financiers seems to be one clanging mistake after another.

And so, painted into a corner with a neon sign flashing over her head saying ‘Unlikeable’, Cher Lloyd’s ‘Swagger Jagger’ video gets its premiere… and everyone hates it.

When we started writing this article, more YouTubers ‘disliked’ it than rated it. And of course, like all pop releases of note, we’re on-hand to dissect it with the cruelty scalpel.

Before we get going, what does Swagger Jagger actually mean? Is Cher Lloyd having a pop at Mick Jagger, a man with so much pensioner swag that he can fuel a private jet on it?

Either way, the response to the track has been far from kind, thanks in large to one of the worst choruses in pop history.

So before we get going, here’s the video for you to watch… and then we’ve noticed a bunch of stuff which you can refute or harangue.

Let’s go!

LOOK!

OH LOOK!

First thing we see in the video is a little product placement. As you can see, Cher Lloyd has a Sony Ericsson in her hand. The phone is playing Swagger Jagger on it. That’s because no-one on the radio wants to play it. Like a scally on the back of the bus, she doesn’t care that nobody wants to hear it.

Worse still, she’s somehow rigged the awful song to a ghetto blaster, ensuring that absolutely no-one can escape the dismal ‘Oh my darling Clementine!’ bit. It says a lot when you have a Clementine-based song which makes Mark Owen’s ‘Clementine’ sound like a masterpiece.

Of course, before the ‘Clementine’ bit kicks in, there’s the Actually Not That Shabby jarring-pop bit. Sadly, it is a Black Eyed Peas By Numbers track. It follows the same formula as their ‘I’ve Had The Time Of My Life’ monstrosity. However, the level of confidence shown by Cher Lloyd is misguided. Apparently, we can’t stop staring at her, which simply isn’t true. There’s a whole plethora of other pop stars we’ve been staring at and will continue to stare at. Youthful exuberance is one thing…

…being a cocky little shit with a pretty lousy record is another.

The pre-emptive ‘you can’t stop writing about me’ segment is designed to say “Ha! See? You haters just won’t leave me alone! That’s because I’ve got it going on and you’re just jealous!” Thing is, people write about all manner of things they don’t like. In that respect, we feel like war correspondents, trudging through the corpse of pop on the frontline so you don’t have to.

And of course, this song is very, very zeitgeisty. It features the soon-to-be mandatory mention of twitter. This enables a popstar to feel like they’re talking about the major issues of the day… they’ve got their finger on the pulse… or, they’re using a social application hammered by millions and millions and is like crowing about breathing air.

And all this music is so horrible that a man appears in the video, in a lovely little product placing, with his headphones on. He can’t bear to listen to ‘Swagger Jagger’, so instead, listens to his own choice of music. You can’t blame him. This is an awful debut single. Rap for pre-schoolers that cynically ticks all the boxes of mentioning ‘haters’, ‘swag’, ‘money’ and all the trappings of the dullest RnB star.

And it is evident that Lloyd isn’t particularly thrilled with it all. There’s various shots throughout the Swagger Jagger video which shows a palpable discomfort in her face. Swagger Jagger is so poor, thanks to the dismal chorus, that it feels like someone’s done a hatchet job on her. Or, we as humans, have finally run out of songs.

Still, on with the video and there’s a brief moment when the word ‘SHOUTIN” reveals itself. There’s a flutter in your heart as you hope it unfurls itself to simply say the word ‘SHIT’.

No such luck though. To make matters worse, this irritant is now being played through a stereo that has transformed itself into an entire rig. There is no escape. Britain’s latest pop-hope will force you to listen to her wretched song. If the radio won’t play it, then she’ll create a transforming tape deck that will be louder than everything on Earth put together. Also – that’s what Soundwave from the Transformers is up to these days.

And the video closes with Cher’s nasty looking Nike boots walking off to obscurity… shame really. That first appearance on the X Factor was actually rather exciting. What went wrong?

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Here at hecklerspray, we know a good pie when we see one and our love of their consumption is legendary the world over. However, our combined level of the consumption of the humble steak and kidney can be rapidly outstripped by human food vacuum Cee Lo Green.

You might remember Cee Lo from that piss awful ‘Forget You’ number that was redone from being ‘F**k You’ in order to get more radio play and completely destroying what little artistic credibility he had based on his time as part of Gnarls Barkley. More recently, you might have heard that he’s not a big fan of the gays.

The famed cake enthusiast has explained his recent comments to music critic Andrea Swensson that were perceived as being homophobic. The rotund Elton John tribute act sent a Twitter message to Swensson on Friday, in response to a negative review of his recent Minneapolis performance, questioning whether she had been offended by his masculinity due to her sexuality. She’s a lesbian you see which means that she’s bound to be terrified of things with penises.

Green has now defended his comments, and insisted that he had simply been trying to have a joke after spending three hours ploughing through pork scratchings in an effort to disguise the pain of a negative review. Let us remember that this is the man who constantly inflicts Gwyneth Paltrow upon the live music scene. If anyone deserves a bad review- it’s Cee Lo Green.

Green says, wiping away Twinkies from his face:

“I was being a little outspoken that night, a little outrageous”

“I always expect people to assume that everything I do is part of my character and my sense of humour. I assumed that whoever it was would assume it was all in good fun. It wasn’t taken so well, apparently.”

Of course, Cee Lo’s comments were all in good fun. Jim Davidson was said to have been creasing himself with laughter. Unfortunately, it was taken as being offensive by his target. How anyone could take an overtly homophobic comment as having homophobic overtones completely escapes us.

While admitting that sending the message had been a mistake, Green asserted that he is in no way homophobic and prides himself on being one of the most liberal artists in the music business by constantly dressing like Rod Hull’s former puppet companion Emu.

“I certainly am not harbouring any sort of negative feeling towards the gay community”

If I could take it all back, I would. I was not being serious. I just wanted to defend our performance”

Unfortunately, what is said cannot be unsaid and he can only spend the rest of his life backtracking through his Narnia-like wardrobe until eventually people forget that he’s a homophobe by completely forgetting that he ever existed in the first place. Cee Lo Green. A dull, compromised footnote in the tome of popular music.

Green is currently appearing as a vocal coach on NBC talent contest The Voice which must be a truly awful experience for the American viewing public.

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Will someone have a word with Rihanna please? She’s been really good fun to have around, making a buncha delightfully dumb pop records and generally being pleasing on the eye. The perfect modern pop star in many respects.

However, she’s in danger of becoming very, very tiring very, very quickly because she’s now set her sights on constantly trying to shock us all. It all reeks of trying too hard, which is strange because she’s already done the hard work and really doesn’t need to. It feels like she’s pushing the wrong envelope.

And her latest video is causing more tiring outrage and, instead of being a hoot, she’s going to have to defend herself after she killed a rapist in a promo video for her latest single, Man Down.

Several groups are predictably angered by the video and it the vaguely violent opening sequence. Basically, Rihanna guns someone down who appears to have raped her. Okay? Up to speed? Good.

Rihanna says of it all:

“We just wanted to hone in on a very serious matter that people are afraid to address, especially if you’ve been victimized in this scenario”

And because the video ticks all the right boxes and complied with network guidelines, it’ll continue to be shown. However, the depressing Parent Television Council are once again on-hand to berate the music video.

Melissa Henson, director of communications and public education for the Parents Television Council, says:

“Instead of telling victims they should seek help, Rihanna released a music video that gives retaliation in the form of premeditated murder the imprimatur of acceptability”

Paul Helmke, President of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, also condemned the video

“Pre-meditated murder is just as horrible and unacceptable as sexual assault, and we would hope that Rihanna and her music label would consider the potential impact of sending a message that violence should beget more violence.”

Will someone, anyone, involved in this dreary circus release a catchy pop record please?

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The combined musical genius of the Bee Gees and Michael Jackson cannot be disputed. Hell, it can barely be comprehended! Between the two acts is a dazzling amount of sales and a breathtaking back catalogue.

However, what also can’t be disputed is that both camps contain some of the weirdest faces in pop. Michael, of course, looks like wax ankle and in Barry Gibb, we have a man who looks like a griffin with dentures.

And the two actually teamed up. Of course, it wasn’t that long ago which means neither act was at the peak of their powers, but still, the thought of it is rather exciting! And better yet, there’s a video clip of them in action together.

Bee Gee Barry Gibb has posted a 30-second clip of an unreleased collaboration with Michael Jackson which shows the pair singing, writing and whatnot together for the track ‘All In Your Name’, which you can see below.

Obviously, we would’ve liked to see them tag-teaming on some glorious disco pop, but alas, the track was recorded in 2002 when Michael was more concerned with message songs, rather than the infinitely superior throwaway pop he once graced us with.

Gibb says:

“Michael Jackson and I were the dearest of friends, that’s simply what it was. We gravitated towards the same kind of music and we loved collaborating and he was the easiest person to write with.”

“The more we got to know each other the more those ideas entwined and it all came to this song ‘All In Your Name’.

“All in Your Name” is in fact the message that Michael wanted to send out to all of his fans all over the world that he did it all for them and for the pure love of music. I hope and pray that we all get to hear it in its entirety. This experience I will treasure forever.”

Here it is.

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Anyone who saw Rihanna and Britney Spears’ performance of ‘S&M’ on the Billboard awards will surely agree that it was one of the most tedious examples of sexuality ever aired on television. Both singers vaguely gyrated in their bondage-lite gear while going through the motions.

It was roughly as sexy as a sock drawer. Sock fetishes need not apply to that analogy, although we do welcome readers to laugh at the world ‘anal’ in ‘analogy’ because we’re incredibly childish.

However, despite making millions limp, there’s a group of parents (aka ‘scumbags’) who are apoplectic with angry arousal at the whole thing. They’re furious that they should feel a twitch in their pants, despite not morally agreeing with what they saw on the stage.

That’s right – some stupid parents group have lambasted Britney Spears and Rihanna’s barely-risque performance a “profanity-laced sex show”.

On paper, a show that features two young women pole-dancing in leather bodices with their hands clamped with handcuffs, sounds kinda raunchy… however, the spectacle itself was more akin to two confused pensioners in a sex shop, trembling with Parkinson’s Disease.

Not that this concerns the Parents Television Council (PTC) who are doing their utmost to make people go on YouTube and watch the performance again, just to see how disgusting it all was.

A statement from PTC President Tim Winter reads:

“The song title alone reeks of the adult entertainment industry and last night’s performance wasn’t far from it. What happened in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas, as the saying goes. It certainly has no place at 8pm on the publicly-owned broadcast airwaves.

“I cannot imagine what would possibly lead the ABC television network to air a profanity-laced, S&M sex show on primetime broadcast television.

“The overtly sexualized performance by Rihanna and Britney Spears was no accident or mishap, but a deliberate effort to target teens with images and lyrics that that glamorize whips, chains and other sexual fetishes.”

Winter presumably bashed that out on his keyboard before running off to the lavatory for a cry-wank, shouting “FORGIVE ME MAMA! FORGIIIIVVVEE MEEEE” at the point of ejaculation. He probably mopped himself up, pulled up his lady’s stockings, admired them briefly in the mirror before concealing them once more under his slacks, before standing in the garden and indulging in flagellation, which is essentially bondage for religious types.

We’re making all this up of course, but you can just imagine what all that pent-up sexual tension can do to a man. That energy has to release itself one way or another.

Meanwhile, all the teens he’s so worried about briefly looked up from their computers with ten different tabs of porn opened, shrugged at the rendition of S&M and went back to blankly staring at naked humans with all the fervour of a colonel in a coma.

And yes, we advise you laugh at the word ‘colon’ in ‘colonel’ too.

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We’re not American, though plenty of people think we are. Notably, Americans. If you hadn’t noticed, America is very different to the UK. Our portion sizes are smaller, we don’t pointlessly wander around with firearms and we have a healthcare system that kind of works.

Despite being a nation that loves a good war, America doesn’t approve of naked flesh being shown on TV. From what we gather, American parents want their children to believe in the magic of Mickey Mouse and the tooth fairy until they turn forty.

Once again, American networks recoiled in horror as Rihanna and Britney Spears – two performers known for not being overly liberal, decided to have a friendly kiss at the country music awards, otherwise known as the Billboard Music Award Show.

It seems to be a reoccurring nightmare for broadcasters in America when dealing with live performances and artists who aren’t exactly prudish.

Rihanna recently told us all that she likes to indulge in S&M whilst Britney Spears has a glittering CV full of crazy, confusing and weird moments. Spears herself has already indulged in some faux lesbianism when she appeared at an MTV awards ceremony with Christina Aquilera and grandma in disguise, Madonna in 2003. The kiss might have been a brief peck on the lips, but this was enough to rally up all parental groups in America. All because they believed that their precious daughters would turn into raging lesbians and lock lips with anyone of the same gender who saw the three seconds of footage.

This initial incident feathers to fly across America with pressure on networks to be more careful on what content was broadcast during live shows. However, nothing could prepare us for what happened a year later when Janet Jackson made an appearance at the Super Bowl.

Supposedly, there was a “wardrobe malfunction” and this caused one of Janet Jacksons baps to be left on display. Fans of American Football probably loved seeing her boob, though this once again upset more people who presumably are afraid of looking at their own naked body. Perhaps they expected more from Janet Jackson, not just in terms of exposing herself but from what they saw. Maybe the nose of Michael Jackson covering her nipple? We’d have been impressed.

Risk free for a couple years, Americans could tuck into their cheeseburgers, knowing that evil things such as nudity and homosexuality were banned from TV. This was of course until the Billboard awards the other night. Like every other generic ceremony, the winners didn’t come as a surprise, but nobody realised that more rubbish lesbianism was about to unfold! During a revamped version of Rihanna’s S&M track, she and Britney Spears got millions of blokes excited by donning outfits that suited the songs title and ending it with a kiss. Americans would want us to believe it was a full on snog with tongues, but it was a smooch on the cheek.

That’s right. TV hastily looked away while someone pecked someone of the same sex on the cheek. It’s a good thing Americans don’t have to film in Europe where a peck on the cheek is as common as a handshake, or shows would be filled with little more than cutaway shots of nothing.

Proving that America is still a very hung-up nation, they were more than happy to show pop runt Justin Bieber giving girlfriend Selena Gomez a kiss when he won an award for being the best singing toddler. Something tells us that if he was called Justine Bieber, another crowd shot would have greeted viewers.

Silly America.

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Oooh! Look! Another video has premiered on the internet! And it looks expensive too! In the age of rampant illegal downloading, how on Earth can these poor record companies afford to spend so much on a promotional video of a song no-one will end up buying?!

Probably something to do with the fact that people actually do still buy records and the whole ‘illegal downloading’ thing doesn’t seem like much of an issue these days.

Anyway, the latest popstar to show off their expensive video is Katy Perry with her ET track which features humble rapper, Kanye West. And of course, we’d like to poke it with a stick like the rotting body of a Roswell finding.

As ever, before we kick off with the snarkiness and lazy reference points, we’d like to give you the chance to watch Katy Perry’s ‘ET’ video first.

You know how this works right?

Click the play button on the embedded video and then keep your eyes and ears open for as long as necessary and then try to remember what you’ve seen and create what is known as ‘a recent memory’. Okay? Good you watch the video, there’s a good sport.

And so, did you notice what we noticed?

First off, the video starts with all our dreams come true – Kanye West banished from Earth, cut adrift in space in some airless bubble surrounded by nothing more than his own lazy rhymes and staggering lack of flow. It is only a matter of time before Kanye becomes so thoroughly pleased with himself that he begins to eat his own torso and ceases to exist.

But wait! Kanye is being watched by an androgynous alien sort floating around his space bubble like some galactic detritus. The alien in question resembles mozzarella peering out of a tattered bin bag flapping from a tree-branch.

But look! It was Katy Perry all along! And, for the occasion, she’s dressed up as the lovechild of Queen Amidala from Star Wars and Michael Stipe! Better yet, she’s bought along her licorice necklace for us all to stare at. And licorice is the most disgusting food ever dreamt up.

Sadly for Russell Brand’s wife, she has a horrible allergic reaction to licorice which reveals itself in awful cataracts, clouding up her eyes so they go all milky like an old dog waiting to be given a lethal injection.

Of course, having heard about Britain’s NHS service, she floats to Earth to get some eye-treatment. The place in Britain with the worst eyesight, and thereby, the best doctors to treat such ailments, is Middlesbrough. Sadly for Perry, she wasn’t aware of the fact that Middlesbrough is a rancid, desolate industrial wasteland.

And it is here, in Middlesbrough, that Perry finds the now surplus-to-requirements robot who advertised about the Digital Switchover that was rolled out across Britain. Now we’re all digital, the little robot is left to die on the streets on the North East, spat at by roguish children with yellowed, nicotine stained fingers. Katy Perry is rather saddened by this, naturally.

The video then cuts away to two Middlesbrough natives, having sex nearby.

But no matter! Darnell from Big Brother has appeared on Boro (see?), ready to give Katy Perry a big ol’ kiss right on her face lips! What a guy!

And luckily for Perry, someone has left “Human Sunglasses” for Perry, as Darnell’s albino skin glares horribly in the dead sun of Middlesbrough.

Looking cool in her shades, faced with the most handsome man to ever grace the streets of the North East, Perry does what any woman would do and takes all her clothes to have intercourse in the streets, just like those simians from earlier! Alas, Perry has a secret – she’s got deer legs!

That’s nothing to worry about because, all along, Darnell from Big Brother wasn’t wearing any trousers anyway and, frankly, will take anything he can get. They walk off into the post-apocalyptic sun of the Teeside to rut like barnyard animals and drink 20/20 on a street corner. Awwww!

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Action Man dicked amniotic super-foetus Justin Bieber may have to go to big man’s court after getting in hot water (presumably not tested with an adult elbow first) after someone claimed that he owes them money for his obviously dreadful track One Less Lonely Girl.

Sadly, it isn’t clear whether Bieber has formed a human brain capable of dealing with the notion of ‘money’ yet. It’s alleged that Bieber ate his first royalty check before sneezing a spaghetti hoop out of his nostril.

Anyway, the wonderfully monickered Vance Tate and Thomas Oliveria (also known as A-Nus A-Rex) are going after him with bits of paper with legal words written on and a promise to give him a Chinese Burn and take away his blankie.

The pair are reportedly claiming that the track which featured on Justin’s debut album was originally created by them for R&B singer Noel Gourdin in 2009.

However, the track appeared on Bieber’s LP and was credited as a collab between Usher, Shin, Hamilton and two others (or, as they’re known elsewhere, The Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

Who would have ever thought that the music industry was a puke-laden pit of vapid, dead-eyed, ruthless shills?

A-Rex now want 10% of the songs publishing royalties, which they estimate to be in the region of around $200,000.

Meanwhile, Justin’s representatives are preparing their case with the angle of “Look. You’re making baby cry. How could you?”

MTV is reporting that the pair are also seeking damages for breach of contract, fraud, conversion, and copyright infringement which isn’t even vaguely interesting.

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Americans seem to love those cowboy country men. You know the ones who politely love the ladies, fondle tractors and sometimes kiss each other while pretending to look after cattle up a mountain, almost as much as they love their slightly mental divas who can run up and down a scale at precisely the same speed as Justin Bieber’s first attempt at intercourse with another person.

So it made TOTAL sense when they decided to get some bloke hecklerspray hasn’t made fun of until now – Blake Shelton and the ever expanding Christina ‘make mine a double please’ Aguilera together in the same room to become part of the coaching panel on a new reality singing show called ‘ The Voice’.

We can hardly wait.

Until approx 7 mins ago we didn’t know or give a rat’s ass who Blake Shelton was but in case you care, he sings country songs, wins awards for singing country songs and probably hasn’t done anything remotely evil in his entire life.

Also on the panel are dress destroying Cee-Lo Green and Adam Lavine from Maroon 5 who makes us even less excited than ‘thingy’ Shelton.

34 year old Blake Carrington joked:

“I’m not sure ‘The Voice’ knows what they signed on for by bringing me on the show”

We’re not entirely sure either. Maybe to make that Maroon 5 bloke look slightly more dangerous or so the country music loving fans don’t bring their pitchforks to the studio and start line dancing in protest.

The show starts on the 26th April and the four judges will select the contestants based on blind auditions.

Yes, that’s right – NO TITS WILL BE USED TO WIN FAVOUR WITH THE MALE JUDGES.

So no doubt we’ll be left watching a group of people who can hold a tune but who all look like Rocky Dennis from Mask.

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