Remember Nicole Kidman from BMX Bandits and that Robbie Williams song? Well, she’s a new mother and she’s positively glowing about it. That’s because she’s had her Ready Brek, not because she’s ever been pregnant.

The Scientology escapist announced the birth of her and husband Keith Urban’s daughter called? Faith who was born via someone else who Kidman didn’t care about them getting their vagina’s stretched beyond recognition.

And now, she wants another baby. Well she would, wouldn’t she? It’s a piece of piss when all you have to do is sit around with your arms expectantly wide, waiting for someone else to fire it into your embrace.

Nicole Kidman isn’t famous for much, but we can almost certainly all agree that her most famous roles were in BMX Bandits and that perfume advert where she garbled “I’m a daaaahncer! I love to dahnce!” with that one-night stand who wore a vest and had greasy hair. The hussy.

Anyway, in real life, she’s The Woman Who Escaped The Thetans and now, someone who has brought another future disappointment into the world aka a baby human being.

Kidman and her country warbling husband, Keith Urban, have announced that they are now parents of a new baby daughter. A daughter that was born with a surrogate for some reason. We can’t be bothered to find out why, so we’ll just assume that it is down to laziness.

Nicole Kidman is a mother – something that’s only really brought up when she’s on the promotional trail. We’re not parents of anyone, mind you. We’re only just competent enough to look after the hecklerspray house gerbil, and we don’t think it’s wise to make a leap to a house baby kept in the gerbil’s cage and fed from the same bowl with ‘Killer’ emblazoned in crayon.

All that considered, being the parents of precisely no one, we’re not really in a position to judge. We are, however, in a position to point and yell obscenities at our screens while licking melted chocolate buttons from our chubby little fingers.

So that’s what we’re going to do.