solo album - HecklerSpray

Lewis Hamilton Still Loves Nicole Scherzinger, But Regrettably, Is Still As Interesting As A Mop Bucket

November 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.

So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.

Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?

Steve Jones And Nicole Scherzinger Are Being Forced To Have Sex By Simon Cowell

November 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.

He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.

And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.

Gwyneth Paltrow Will Have An Affair On Chris Martin At Some Point

September 6th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Imagine waking up every morning and seeing Coldplay’s Chris Martin lying there in his hemp pyjamas, gurgling while he dreams about drawing another slogan on his hand which will end world hunger.

It’s little wonder then, that Gwyneth Paltrow has conducted an interview saying that she “respects and admires” people who have conducted extra-marital affairs.

This is presumably because she can think of doing little else.

Gwyneth Paltrow Knows More About Music Than Coldplay

August 4th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Chris Martin’s Coldplay are unquestionably successful. The amount of records they sell and the number of people who attend their shows around the world are often held up as proof of their quality.

By that token, you could argue that dog muck is brilliant because millions of flies just can’t get enough of it. Or racism. That’s popular around the world too.

Regardless, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care about all that because she knows best. She’s launching her music career and doesn’t need stupid advice from that dippy, stadium filling husband of hers. She presumably thinks Coldplay are just hangar sized turds.

Nicole Scherzinger Doesn’t Like Lewis Hamilton Enough To Warrant Marriage

July 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.

Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.

With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.

Nicole Whatserface Announces That The Band She Was In Are Splitting

April 11th, 2011 By Michael Park

hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.

On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.

How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.