Hulk Hogan really should stick to the things he knows get people on his side.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

This time last year Hulk Hogan was probably a very happy (and large) man.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.

They say you should always be careful what you wish for, especially if you wish to share a prison cell with three twitching teenage criminals.

As luck would have it, that’s exactly what Hulk Hogan‘s son Nick Bollea has been wishing for in public all week. He’s been desperate to get out of the solitary confinement cell that he’s been kept in since he went to prison almost a month ago.

And now, even though a judge ignored his pleas earlier in the week, Nick Bollea has been moved into a communal cell, where he’ll get to experience all the heady delights that prison has to offer when you’re a 17-year-old boy doing time for crashing a wildly expensive supercar and your resentful cellmates have had to give up some of their precious personal space just so they can accommodate a spoilt little rich boy.

That Nick Bollea. He doesn’t know he’s born. For almost a month he enjoyed the best that jail had to offer – solitary confinement. It sounds perfect, doesn’t it? No awkward fake machismo-filled interactions with badly-tattooed inmates to try and find your place in the prison hierarchy. No worrying that people will see your balls when you’re shitting into a bucket. All the slot-shaped food you can eat. Lovely – if we ever went to prison, we’d want solitary too.

But nooo, solitary confinement’s not good enough for Nick Bollea, which is why he’s spent all week bitching and moaning about all the crippling anxiety that being shut in a room alone for 23 hours a day is causing him.

Nick’s been trying his hardest to get busted out of solitary, but it was all to no avail – just the other day a judge overturned his request to move out. But then yesterday, as if by magic, it happened – Nick Bollea was shifted out of his dark little fortress of solitute and into a slightly bigger fortress of public masturbation and physical intimidation. ABC reports:

Deputies at a west Florida jail have transferred Hulk Hogan’s son out of solitary confinement into a communal cell. Seventeen-year-old Nick Bollea is now sharing living space with three other juvenile inmates. Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Cecilia Barreda says housing assignments are routinely reviewed because the jail’s population constantly changes. That created an opportunity to house juveniles together.

Of course – Nick Bollea’s move is all down to the cell’s previous inmate getting released. Or getting moved to hospital because he was beaten up so brutally by his three mentally unstable cellmates. Or slashing his wrists and dying just to free himself from the unending pain of life as a juvenile prisoner. One of the three. Hooray! Well done Nick!

And with this battle won, Nick Bollea will be pumped up and confident ahead of his next fight with the prison officials – getting some curtains fitted in the cell. Nice ones, though – he doesn’t want anything clashing with his skin tone, does he, the little lamb.

Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea is having a string of rotten luck at the moment – car crashes, jail sentences, lawsuits, a startlingly mannish mother. Where will it end?

The answer to that is in solitary confinement. Nick Bollea has seen his attempt to be moved out of solitary at Pinellas County Jail overturned by a judge, meaning that for the foreseeable future, all of Nick Bollea’s meals will be fed to him through a slot in the door.

But Nick Bollea will get no sympathy from us. Spending everyday stuck indoors alone? Craving human interaction of any kind? Forgetting what sunlight looks like? Trying hopelessly to entertain yourself just to pass the time? Eating crap food? Come on, that’s practically what we do for a living.

As Hulk Hogan’s son, Nick Bollea must be pretty used to getting his way. Not because people are intimidated by his father’s strength and physical presence, you understand, but because they don’t want to waste a couple of hours watching an old man marching round in circles ripping his clothes and extravagantly feigning deafness in the mistaken belief that it proves a point.

But, as Nick Bollea has discovered, not even having a roidy-looking saveloy-coloured father can help him with some things. For instance, since it doesn’t have the facilities to properly cope with juvenile prisoners, 17-year-old Nick Bollea has been forced to spend the eight months he was sentenced to for felony reckless driving in an adult prison’s maximum security solitary confinement.

And this made Nick Bollea sad, because he didn’t want to be kept in solitary confinement. He wanted a roommate, maybe a screaming heroin addict in withdrawal or a twitchy wifebeater or something fun like that. Better yet, he wanted to go home and spend the rest of his sentence in the desolate surroundings of his parents’ multi-million dollar Florida mansion.

Not going to happen. A judge has overturned the motion to get Nick out of solitary confinement, meaning that he’ll have to suffer through the rest of the eight months eating slot-shaped food and slowly falling in love with his own chair. People reports:

A judge refused Tuesday to release Hulk Hogan’s son from solitary confinement, where the teen is serving a sentence for felony reckless driving. In a three-sentence order, Judge Philip J. Federico denied a motion filed Monday by attorneys for Nick Bollea, 17, claiming the confinement was “cruel and unusual punishment.” The judge did not disclose his reasons for the decision.

It’s a kick in the teeth for Nick Bollea, but it’s not the end of the world completely. We’re sure after eight months of being on his own, Nick will have developed all kinds of skills that he didn’t have before – like shadow-puppetry, the ability to heal injured birds and an impressively efficient masturbation technique. He’ll have gone to prison a boy, but he’ll come out of it a man.

A creepy man with an irrational fear of sunlight who mutters cursewords to himself, granted, but a man nonetheless.

If you ever want to destroy a robot, the easiest thing to do is to mention 'Foxy Brown' and 'good behaviour' to it in the same sentence – you'll flip a switch in its logic-board and send it into a shrieking fiery meltdown.

So, if any robots are reading this, look away now. Foxy Brown has been granted an early release from solitary confinement due to good behaviour. That's right, even though Foxy Brown and good behaviour are like two polar opposites on the moral spectrum, Foxy Brown has been let out of solitary confinement after serving just 40 days of the 76 she was given for her part in a prison fight. Still, at least this way the other inmates at Rikers Island jail will receive the greatest Christmas gift of them all – the gift of Foxy Brown.

No, wait, the greatest gift of all is a Nintendo Wii. The gift of Foxy Brown is actually quite a disappointing gift.

Whatever you think of her, you have to admit that the world was a quieter place with Foxy Brown locked up in solitary confinement in Rikers Island prison. Admittedly it was only quieter because there were fewer screams of pain from people who Foxy Brown had kicked, punched, sprayed with fake-nail glue or slammed in the face with mobile telephones, but that still counts.

Just over a month ago, furious rapping midget Foxy Brown was sentenced to eleven weeks of her one-year jail sentence in solitary confinement after getting in a fight, failing to comply with a drug test and screaming abuse at a prison guard. For 76 long days, Foxy Brown would have nobody but herself for company in a tiny cell; only being allowed to exercise, visit the library or speak to her attorney for one hour a day.

But, possibly because there was nobody close enough for her to lash out at, Foxy Brown apparently behaved well in solitary. Well enough that she's been let out after just 40 to rejoin the prison community at large. And, although it's a lot to take in all at one, it seems as though this period of reflection has been just what Foxy Brown needed to see the error of her ways and start her life afresh with a new positive attitude. According to Foxy Brown's manager Chaz Williams:

"Foxy is out and her spirits never wavered. While in solitary, she continued to answer each and every fan letter. She also told me she wrote some pretty hot songs while there. She's back in the law library and looks forward to ending this chapter in her life."

See? Not only is Foxy Brown keeping in touch with her fans and learning the intricacies of the American legal system – presumably by starting at the chapter entitled Punching Someone In The Face With A Mobile Phone: Good Or Bad? – but she's also got back into songwriting.

There's no release date as yet for the fruits of Foxy Brown's creative burst in solitary, but we've already heard very good things about the new songs. The track Hello Mr Woodlouse (You'll Be My Friend Won't You? Don't Leave Mr Woodlouse I Love You) is apparently very strong.

Read more:

Foxy Brown released from solitary confinement - Reuters