Hulk Hogan really should stick to the things he knows get people on his side.
Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.
But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.
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This time last year Hulk Hogan was probably a very happy (and large) man.
He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.
Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.
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They say you should always be careful what you wish for, especially if you wish to share a prison cell with three twitching teenage criminals.
As luck would have it, that’s exactly what Hulk Hogan‘s son Nick Bollea has been wishing for in public all week. He’s been desperate to get out of the solitary confinement cell that he’s been kept in since he went to prison almost a month ago.
And now, even though a judge ignored his pleas earlier in the week, Nick Bollea has been moved into a communal cell, where he’ll get to experience all the heady delights that prison has to offer when you’re a 17-year-old boy doing time for crashing a wildly expensive supercar and your resentful cellmates have had to give up some of their precious personal space just so they can accommodate a spoilt little rich boy.
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Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea is having a string of rotten luck at the moment – car crashes, jail sentences, lawsuits, a startlingly mannish mother. Where will it end?
The answer to that is in solitary confinement. Nick Bollea has seen his attempt to be moved out of solitary at Pinellas County Jail overturned by a judge, meaning that for the foreseeable future, all of Nick Bollea’s meals will be fed to him through a slot in the door.
But Nick Bollea will get no sympathy from us. Spending everyday stuck indoors alone? Craving human interaction of any kind? Forgetting what sunlight looks like? Trying hopelessly to entertain yourself just to pass the time? Eating crap food? Come on, that’s practically what we do for a living.
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If you ever want to destroy a robot, the easiest thing to do is to mention 'Foxy Brown' and 'good behaviour' to it in the same sentence – you'll flip a switch in its logic-board and send it into a shrieking fiery meltdown.
So, if any robots are reading this, look away now. Foxy Brown has been granted an early release from solitary confinement due to good behaviour. That's right, even though Foxy Brown and good behaviour are like two polar opposites on the moral spectrum, Foxy Brown has been let out of solitary confinement after serving just 40 days of the 76 she was given for her part in a prison fight. Still, at least this way the other inmates at Rikers Island jail will receive the greatest Christmas gift of them all – the gift of Foxy Brown.
No, wait, the greatest gift of all is a Nintendo Wii. The gift of Foxy Brown is actually quite a disappointing gift.
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