But, at long last, Britney and Kevin have managed to stagger to a full, final custody settlement. And it’s not particularly great news for Britney Spears – Kevin Federline has been granted sole custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Britney Spears will still be able to visit her children, but that’s hardly enough time to build a loving relationship between mother and sons – all the time she gets with them will be spent frantically trying to make them unlearn whatever dumb lessons Kevin Federline has been teaching them, like ‘Cornrows make you look cool’ or ‘Jamming knitting needles into plug sockets is fun’. Poor Britney won’t even have a chance to hug them.

The child custody battle between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline never really took off the way anyone expected it to. While Charlie and Denise and Alec and Kim spent their time lashing out at one another in public, Britney and Kevin seemed to genuinely want the best for their children. Which is good for the kids but rubbish for us. Nobody ever thinks of us.

The potential was there – it’s not often that a child custody case comes along where the mother is a woman who shaves her head and calls herself the devil and the father sometimes goes to court dressed as a pirate – but the sparks never really flew between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline the way everyone expected them to. Stupid anti-psychotic medication.

But now it’s over. It’s all over. Rather than allow the court commissioner to give the children the best possible chance at life they had – by sending them to Cambodia to stitch footballs together, or giving them to a pack of hungry bears, or just letting them crawl around on the motorway – Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a custody settlement.

And that settlement is sole custody for Kevin Federline with occasional visits from Britney Spears. E! Online spoke to Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan:

“The case has been settled. The court still has to approve it. As of this evening there is a fully executed deal memo… All the issues that would have been addressed at trial have been settled… Kevin is absolutely delighted.”

That’s not to say that Kevin Federline will have sole custody of the kids forever, though – once Britney Spears has recovered to the extent that she no longer needs a conservator, it’s thought that Federline is open to the idea of giving her co-parenting status again.

But that’s just a possibility to deal with in the future. For now Kevin Federline has sole custody of his kids. And, you know, perhaps it’s for the best.

After all, Britney Spears obviously still isn’t well enough to look after herself, let alone her children – and this means that she’s freed up to concentrate on making a professional comeback to the best of her abilities.

And this custody settlement has also boosted Kevin Federline’s credibility as a father. He’s had to put up with jibes about his ability for a couple of years now, but gaining sole custody means that he’s clearly a very capable father.

Plus it’s wicked funny when he dresses the babies up in tuxedos and gets them to act as beer butlers at house parties until 4am, too – now he gets to do that whenever he wants.

But none of that matters any more, because Dannielynn is rich! Rich beyond her wildest dreams! Woo hoo!

Dannielynn has just been officially made the sole beneficiary to Anna Nicole Smith's estate. That means that Dannielynn gets to inherit everything that Anna Nicole Smith owned – all her cash, all the potential inheritance from Anna Nicole Smith's marriage to J Howard Marshall, that box of nightmarish clown make-up, the genetic lack of self-esteem – everything.

Of all the things that Anna Nicole Smith left the world after her death, with the possible exception of that video of her absent-mindedly playing with her tits in the bath, none have been precious than her daughter Dannielynn Hope. And we mean 'precious' in the Lord Of The Rings sense, too, because ever since Anna Nicole Smith died people have been squabbling over her like a gaggle of greedy Gollums.

You see, Dannielynn might one day be worth hundreds of millions of dollars if the ongoing battle for Anna Nicole Smith's share of her inheritance from her 14-month marriage to nearly-dead oil billionaire J Howard Marshall ever goes her way. And that meant that people were fighting over Dannielynn before Anna Nicole Smith was even cold.

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer Howard K Stern said he was the father, some creepy ancient German prince said he was the father, Anna Nicole Smith's trainer said he could have been the father and, let's face it, any man on Earth with a semi-functional penis stood a decent chance of fathering Dannielynn too. But eventually Larry Birkhead was officially named as Dannielynn's father – although that doesn't mean he can swan around spending all her money.

That's because Howard K Stern has rushed through a petition to declare Dannielynn the sole beneficiary of everything Anna Nicole Smith owned, as E! Online reports:

Larry Birkhead's 18-month-old daughter with Anna Nicole Smith was declared the sole beneficiary to the late model's estate Tuesday, after a Los Angeles judge approved Howard K. Stern's petition to clarify his departed paramour's earthly intentions. "We and Mr. Stern always believed that Anna Nicole never intended to disinherit her daughter," Stern's attorney, Bruce S. Ross, said after court Tuesday. "I'm pleased to say this chapter in the saga is closed." L.A. Superior Court Judge Mitchell Beckloff's ruling also establishes a trust on Dannielynn's behalf, with her father and Stern serving as cotrustees.

This news, while hardly surprising, does mean that Dannielynn will have to want for nothing as she grows up. Although Anna Nicole Smith's assets were only valued at $710,000, the J Howard Marshall money will increase that amount exponentially, plus the money from Dannielynn's magazine photoshoots last year will also contribute to the fund.

And, let's not forget that if Dannielynn ever finds that alleged video of Larry Birkhead and Howard K Stern sucking each other off, she can blackmail both of them for everything they've got as well. Either way it's a result.

Read more:

Dannielynn Named Anna Nicole's Sole Heir - E! Online