Imagine being Kate Moss. What do you do with your life? You stand around in a variety of clothes, which people hang off your bony frame and generally lord it up like you have an actual talent other than your genetic make-up.

Despite a clear lack of anything worthwhile, other than being sufficiently bland enough not to distract people from the garments you’re wearing, that still doesn’t mean you can’t act like a pompous, deserving buffoon.

And that’s exactly what’s happening as Kate Moss has revealed that she isn’t keen on interacting with her admirers on Twitter. Basically, you plebs don’t deserve her musings.

The supermodel would never sign up for a twitter account.

“I couldn’t think of anything worse than people knowing what I’m doing all the time. I just don’t understand it. I don’t get it at all. Why would anybody want to know? I try to be the opposite, so people don’t know anything that I’m doing. I don’t want people to know anything!”

Perhaps people wouldn’t want to know what you’re getting up to. Maybe people would like to see what you’re like beneath that hallow veneer? Maybe people would like to view you like you’re an approachable human-being, rather than some odious twerp, forever hiding behind the velvet rope of stardom?

Apparently, this isn’t the case though.

“Just to go into a shop without getting stared at would be nice. I mean, I don’t walk around like, ‘Oh, I’m famous’ – I try to live as normal a life as possible – but sometimes it’s a bit annoying. It’s fine; it’s not a massive problem, but sometimes it’s just a bit uncomfortable”

“You can’t be ‘poor me’ about it – it’s not the worst thing in the world, but sometimes it’s a bit uncomfortable.”

With insight like that, perhaps we’re all better off without Moss’ twitter dribblings?

Remember MySpace? Remember how much fun you had mucking around with the layout and design for it? Remember writing on people’s walls and being friends with the mysterious Tom? Remember when Rupert Murdoch bought it and the entire world stopped using it overnight.

Fun times.

Well, Justin Timberlake – who was in a film about Facebook – bought loads of shares in the flagging service and now wants to tell us all how amazing it is now going to be. It isn’t, is it?

It’s pretty obvious that there’s still something you could do with MySpace. Nothing has come out since that has been as good for new bands. Maybe it would be good for propping a window open somewhere on the internet? Either way, Timberlake has plans!

Essentially, he’s going to revitalise MySpace by turning it into an interactive TV service.

In a statement, he says:

“We’re ready to take television and entertainment to the next step by upgrading it to the social networking experience. Why text or email your friends to talk about your favorite programs after they’ve aired when you could be sharing the experience with real-time interactivity from anywhere across the globe?”

“As the plot of your favorite drama unfolds, the joke of your favorite Snl (Saturday Night Live) character plays, or even the last second shot of your favorite team swishes the net, we’re giving you the opportunity to connect your friends to your moments as they’re actually occurring.

“This is the evolution of one of our greatest inventions, the television. And, we no longer have to crowd around the same one to experience it together.”

Like everyone already does on Twitter?! And what about licensing laws? They ALWAYS throw a spanner in the works when trying to make TV global. Besides, most of us have catch-up services, so… err… what’s the point of all this exactly?

Seriously. If MySpace became a Spotify for unsigned bands, it could take off… but a portal for watching television? Christ.

Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences.  The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.

But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.

WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE  WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!

It’s true, the rumours that Hugh Jackman is gay have been around for a while, but it seems that his wife of 15 years, Deborra-Lee Furness, has decided to dismiss these rumours publicly, making us all feel like terrible people for feeding the evil gossip machine.

She roared:

“The line I heard was, ‘Wolverine? Who would have thought?’ Hugh and I don’t pay much heed.”

“It’s kind of tragic that these people have nothing better to do than gossip about people they don’t know.”

We feel it’s more two-faced and tragic to gossip about people we do know, so we’re not falling for that one.

But don’t worry, she still fancies the arse off him.

“I do think he’s the sexiest man alive, and I’d hope every woman would think her husband was.”

Oh shut up. You’re married to Hugh Jackman. What would you know?

“I was always saying I’d marry somebody sensible, like a stockbroker. So he dresses up for that fantasy for me occasionally.”

Brilliant idea. Divert attention from the gay rumours by telling the world your husband sometimes wears a suit and acts like a prick. Hugh Jackman also insists he’s not gay.

In 2009 he said:

“I’d be happy to go and deny being gay, because I’m not. But by denying it, I’m saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn’t anything shameful.

“The questions about sexuality I find more in America than anywhere else, because it’s a big hang-up and defines what people think about themselves and others.”

We’re hoping at some point he’ll also deny dressing up like a stockbroker. This is just wrong.

So there you have it. We have no idea if Hugh Jackman is gay or straight as we’re not all hung up about it like those Americans but while you make up your own sweet minds, here’s a nice video of Hugh.

Enjoying being ‘theatrical’ and being in musicals and that.

WHAT?

It must be rotten being Hugh Jackman. Everyone thinks you’ve got metal claws coming out of your knuckles and you have a face like a leper’s sandal. Still, at least he’s obscenely wealthy eh? What could possibly worry him?

Well, for your information, Hugh is very worried, actually.

By what  you don’t ask? We’ll tell you anyway. He’s frightened of online imposters. Not sharks. Not being stabbed through the rib cage with a pitchfork. He’s frightened of people playing make believe.

Of course, this is massively ironic given that Jackmanator is a man who is paid to pretend to be someone else.

Either way, he’s signed up to Facebook and Twitter (apparently – we really can’t be bothered checking because it’ll invariably be a steady stream of vaguely sanctimonious nonsense and self-help quotes) in a bid to tackle the scourge that is impostery.

The X-Men (he’s not been in anything else, ever) star says:

“There are 360 fake Hugh Jackmans on Facebook. My friends think they are conversing with me but they’re not.”

Apparently, friends were alarmed when Jackson seemed rather engaging and interesting when talking on Facebook chat.

“The idea of people pretending to be me and others believing it is me is frightening. I want to encourage the impersonators to have a life.”

Presumably, he wants their lives to start with buying a ticket to watch Real Steel, Jackman’s latest movie, which sees the actor pretending to train robots to punch each other.

Brilliant.

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Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out the marketing spam and made everything feel more communal.

Twitter allows the entire world to know what you’re doing in a continual burst of status updates. Refreshing as it is to know your mate is suffering from chronic diarrhoea, it’s the celebrities who are best value as sometimes, they totally fail to self-edit.

We think of it as friendly stalking from afar, eliminating the chances of you being caught furiously masturbating outside your favourite slebs house. And now, poor Cheryl Cole who has been out the spotlight for a while, has signed up to twitter which means we can find out exactly what she’s thinking (follow her here).

Every girl group has a member who somehow maintains popularity and press coverage despite doing nothing at all. As far as we’re aware, all of the other members of Girls Aloud aren’t doing anything that’ll bankroll them for the rest of their lives. Nadine released a flop album, the ginger one did something with make-up, Sarah Harding starred in a couple of ropey films and we can’t remember the other one. Wasn’t she called Bridgett? Whatever her name, her and all of the other members combined haven’t been up to much compared to Chezza.

And poor Cheryl became the nation’s sweetheart… the innocent dimple cheeked lamb who always suffered at the hands of other people.

First she had to face the behaviour of on/off partner Ashley Cole who was sticking his penis in other women’s love tunnels. And men too, if you believe those completely libellous rumours.

In more recent times, Cheryl suffered at the mercy of entertainment lord and music’s greatest enemy, Simon Cowell. Because Girls Aloud wouldn’t ripple in the gigantic pond that is the American music market, Cheryl was given a chance to break the lucrative Yank market and tell a bunch of deluded singers over there that they were rubbish. That’s right, X-Factor was going Stateside and a humble Geordie girl was going along for the ride. After months of dragging the American judging panel out, there was a problem. Cheryl’s Geordie accent wasn’t cutting the peas pudding and she was asked to leave.

And Paula Abdul bullied her.

Since X-Factor dried up, Cheryl Cole has disappeared. Where has she gone? No new music has been released and there’s been a lack of patronising makeup adverts on the TV. Toilet attendants might be on edge. But fear not! Everyone can now catch up with what Cheryl is doing all the time. From refusing her super skinny cappuccino because it’s too fattening, to planning magazine shoots, we’ll get to know everything that’s going on thanks to Twitter.

So far, @cherylcole has only tweeted twice. They include:

“It’s me CC! WHERE MY SOLDIERS AT…….?!!! I can’t believe what my fingers are doing but yes I’m tweeting :-s so here goes…X”

It appears that she might have fled to Libya to head up the rebel troops movement. And:

“Happy birthday Cameron, you sexy beeeyyaatchh…X”

Clearly Cheryl Cole is a Tory supporter and is keen to show off her mad love for her number one politician BFF, David Cameron.

@stephendfry might have competition on Twitter, but not @hecklerspray. Poo jokes are as intelligent as we get.

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Hipster Nick Knowles, James Franco, the man fancied by women who like to think they’re clever, is making a porn film. Get that? Porn. In a film. With James Franco. We imagine there will be flash flooding in certain undercarriages right now.

However, we’d like to put the scuppers on your arousal by pointing out that this won’t be a bongo film starring Franco, but rather, a vaguely pretentious documentary made by the actor.

Don’t worry. There’s some salacious stuff for you to get your teeth into all the same, you sickening debauchotrons.

Basically, Franco realised that it isn’t easy turning people on just by having sex in front of them. Especially if you insist on being pretentious all the time and saying rubbish like:

“A lot of the people in San Francisco think of themselves as healers – not just as people delivering this base service, but giving their clients spiritual help. It’s almost like being an actor, playing a different part for each trick.”

Anyway, you want to know about the sexy sex sex don’t you? Well, Franco once made a sex tape with a girlfriend and on watching it, noticed that it was roughly as arousing as mopping with sick.

However, this experience gave him a new respect for porn stars.

“When I was young, I got a video camera and my girlfriend and I decided to film ourselves and watched it back and said, ‘Yeah, well, let’s never watch that again.’

“Those people in pornos, they are great performers; they’re not just doing it, they’re selling it to an audience… they’re performing so that an audience can get turned on by that kinda thing.

“My girlfriend and I didn’t know that, so it was just kinda like weird movement… It was really boring”.

James Franco? Boring? Never!

Of course, he’s right that adult film actors are worthy of praise. Anyone who can do a half-convincing job of enjoying themselves while indulging in themselves in something that has gone beyond tedium while a fat, anonymous man makes money from your sex deserves a pat on the back. Or at least a massive hug while they cry down your shirt at the horror of it all.

Franco continues:

“I actually am very interested in pornography… I watch it, who doesn’t? I’m making a documentary on pornography. There’s this amazing facility in San Francisco… They do everything in house, they build their props in house. It’s an incredible place”.

A place of semen, lube and repressed anxiety. Sounds like RADA.

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The slightly good looking version of Dean Gaffney, James Franco, has inexplicably decided to open his mouth and let some words come out. The current words of choice revolve around social networking.

According to Mr Franco, who we have to confess to having absolutely no idea who he is, social networking is as dead as a dead duck.

Of course, this fella who is probably some kind of jazz singer like Michael Buble or something, has been an avid Tweeter but now thinks that twitter is over and done with.

This man, who means absolutely nothing to anyone, said:

“Social media is over. Still up there. Going down. You heard it here first”

He continued, apropos of nothing

“My thought was, ‘This is my Twitter. I can do whatever I want.’ But certain companies I work with contacted me about what I was saying”

And what? So someone got in touch and either noticed what you were saying or decided that what you were saying wasn’t appropriate, which left you to cry off like a simpering, snivelling little sack of wimp?

More pressingly, who is James Franco? Tell us in the comments or whatever. Better yet, call him names on our twitter account because he’ll never see it there.

Be as libellous as you want.

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At time of writing, hecklerspray is unable to confirm or deny that popstrel Lily Allen successfully made herself something to eat last night, but indications are not hopeful according to her twitter feed.

The ‘voice of summer 2006’ has last night thrown the public into turmoil.

Not by “so closely resembling her Dad that you can’t decide whether or not you could smash her without thinking of ‘him’ and laughing about that Tourettes doc he did which would, like, probably put her off and that”, but with an astonishing dining problem.

Fears began when she desperately tweeted:

“It would take me 30mins just to get all these ingredients out of the fridge”

Referring to her forlorn attempts to feed herself.

The tweet also contained the ominous hashtag #jamieoliverlies. hecklerspray does not endorse the opinion that Jamie Oliver is a liar. Or a self-involved neglectful husband, average cook, publicity hound and tubby lisping imbecile. We endorse none of these.

Eschewing the ‘Bullshit Frittata’ recipe she probably found in the fat-tongued idiot-book of recipes, she begged of the social-networking ‘site’ or whatever it’s called:

“What temperature should one bake a potato at ? And for how long ?”

To date no-one is in a position to confirm that any answers were received along the lines of “really hot. And for ages”, but indications are that her ongoing commitment to a baked potato are strong.

Allen’s final anguished tweet regarding her dinner was:

“Is it important to wrap it in foil?”

As of now, sources are unsure about the success or otherwise of the ‘Lily Allen Baked Potato’ pairing. Rumours of a secret encounter with a Birdseye Potato Waffle are being denied, with a source stating that any third-parties are not involved, despite “all the stuff with the foil. If that’s what it takes, Lily’s happy to do it.”

We made the last bit up.

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Does Paris Hilton even have a MySpace account?

Surely she’s one of those types that gets their profile banned for being far, far too whorish for the young audience of the site?

It would appear Paris has special dispensation, however, as she is reportedly ‘dating’ – or whatever the kids call it these days – the CEO of MySpace Chris DeWolfe, who has surely given her special privileges for her profile. More photos, space to upload more of her wonderful music (seeing as her pop career is something of a nonstop rollercoaster right now) or something like that, surely. It is shocking that Paris didn’t let MTV find her a new boyfriend, mind.

What makes the story all the more shocking is that neither Paris nor Chris have updated their profiles to show they are single, with each still involved in a relationship and a marriage (though separated), respectively. Guys – go to your profile, click on edit then change the information accordingly – come on, you shouldn’t be leading people astray like this.

At least if it were Facebook you could change it to ‘It’s Complicated’, which would suit perfectly.

Yes, in the world of celebrity it’s always good to keep a low profile if you’re sneaking about behind your other halves’ backs. So what better way to go about it than to go to some high-profile parties, be filmed and photographed together at them then let the evidence be uploaded to all websites in the world?

Hecklerspray thinks there may be a better way – there may be a number of better ways – but we can’t think right now. We’re too busy cruising MySpace for some honeys. Surely if you can get Paris Hilton through the site then you can also get a woman actually worth getting?

Though, to be honest, if Hilton does end up President of the US then she would at least have some point to her… decisions, decisions.

It would seem that Paris isn’t exactly pushing for the core demographic when it comes to the voting public, instead focusing her campaign trail on the numerous parties that DeWolfe has been hosting. While she may be able to schmooze her way to popularity at these events, a few hundred votes or so surely aren’t enough to grab her the presidency, are they? Though with voter apathy at its current levels, anything is possible.

On the other hand, this could be something of a power play by Chris DeWolfe. He has seen his MySpace empire lose its grasp on the world of social networking and may well want to re-assert himself and the site in a very public fashion.

By being the First Man of the US, he would surely have President Paris’ ear and be able to push for the XXVIII Amendment: ‘The right for Facebook to be banned and every American to have to have a MySpace account. Or they will be shot, thanks to the II Amendment’.

Stranger things have happened.

Needless to say, hecklerspray will be following this story to see if anything worthwhile comes of it. You never know what nasty comments a jilted lover could leave on MySpace, after all.

Social networking has literally revolutionised the way you keep in touch with people you didn't want to be friends with in the first place, but Kylie Minogue has identified one very serious design flaw.

That is, social networking is fine, but by and large people don't talk about Kylie Minogue very much. Happily, though, Kylie Minogue has remedied this by creating a Facebook-style social network site that's all Kylie Minogue all the time. KylieKonnect is the place where Kylie Minogue fans can register their details, keep in closer contact with Kylie than ever before and share their passion for all things Kylie with all the other Kylie fans in the world. Needless to say, KylieKonnect is probably the gayest little website the world has ever seen.

Kylie Minogue has beaten cancer for a long time now, and she's sufficiently better to release a new single and album this month. That means, finally, that we can stop calling her 'Brave Kylie' and start calling her 'Mediocre Comeback Single Kylie' instead. But watching a middle-aged woman stumbling around on top of a piano isn't how you get the kids to like you any more – no, you need the internet for that now.

And that's why some genius has decided to plunge Kylie Minogue head-first into the world of social networking with the launch of KylieKonnect (see that? They spelt 'connect' with a 'K'! It must be FROM THE FUTURE!). KylieKonnect is Kylie Minogue's slightly egomaniacal attempt to out-do MySpace and Facebook by offering fans the chance to keep their own blogs, upload photos and communicate with other users, so long as you only discuss Kylie Minogue and nothing else unless you want a soldier to come round your house and smash up your computer while humming The Locomotion to punish your insolence.

Anyway, the people behind KylieKonnect have come to the surprising conclusion that KylieKonnect is actually quite brilliant – like the woman in charge of the company that designed it, Julia McNally, who said:

"The whole thing is set up so that Kylie can update her blog and have a closer connection with fans."

Now, we're buggered if we're going to actually sign up to KylieKonnect to tell you what it's like – there's only so far we'll go for you people – but even without any of that we've been able to read the blog that Kylie Minogue probably pays someone to write for her and watch the KylieKonnect introductory video where Kylie Minogue pronounces the words 'social networking' like she's trying to translate an ancient alien language that she's never heard of before. And, to be fair, that was probably enough.

But, hey, KylieKonnect is social networking! And social networking is all about the people who use it, so maybe the Kylie fans will liven things up a bit, starting all sorts of discussions like "What's going on with Kylie Minogue's face?" "I think Kylie's new single is rubbisher than you do", "Why are people letting Kylie Minogue act in the new Doctor Who? Haven't they ever seen Street Fighter?" and "Kylie or Dannii – who gives a shit, frankly".

Despite our cynicism, though, there's every chance that KylieKonnect will catch on and spawn hundreds of imitators. Personally, we can't for RazorlightKonnect to get going, because it's thought that'll be the social networking site that most accurately captures the feeling of sitting in the desert all alone with nobody to talk to, wondering what went so very wrong with your life.