Imagine being Kate Moss. What do you do with your life? You stand around in a variety of clothes, which people hang off your bony frame and generally lord it up like you have an actual talent other than your genetic make-up.
Despite a clear lack of anything worthwhile, other than being sufficiently bland enough not to distract people from the garments you’re wearing, that still doesn’t mean you can’t act like a pompous, deserving buffoon.
And that’s exactly what’s happening as Kate Moss has revealed that she isn’t keen on interacting with her admirers on Twitter. Basically, you plebs don’t deserve her musings.
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Remember MySpace? Remember how much fun you had mucking around with the layout and design for it? Remember writing on people’s walls and being friends with the mysterious Tom? Remember when Rupert Murdoch bought it and the entire world stopped using it overnight.
Fun times.
Well, Justin Timberlake – who was in a film about Facebook – bought loads of shares in the flagging service and now wants to tell us all how amazing it is now going to be. It isn’t, is it?
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Here at hecklerspray we’d never dream of gossiping or making crude or childish remarks about celebrities or their sexual preferences. The depraved acts we’ve considered in the bedsit alone (and not counting the ones we’ve scheduled for the Christmas party) are enough to make any sane person question their sexuality, so we’d never judge anyone.
But then again, we are also enormous liars who will make fun of anyone silly enough to be famous for a living.
WE HEARD THAT WOLVERINE LIKES THE WARM TOUCH OF SOMEONE EQUALLY HAIRY AND MALE!!
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It must be rotten being Hugh Jackman. Everyone thinks you’ve got metal claws coming out of your knuckles and you have a face like a leper’s sandal. Still, at least he’s obscenely wealthy eh? What could possibly worry him?
Well, for your information, Hugh is very worried, actually.
By what you don’t ask? We’ll tell you anyway. He’s frightened of online imposters. Not sharks. Not being stabbed through the rib cage with a pitchfork. He’s frightened of people playing make believe.
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Everything changes and develops into condensed shiny version. Even social networking has evolved. In the beginning we had MySpace, a tool where any idiot could upload appalling songs in the vain hope of being snapped up by a label. Facebook pinched the audience of MySpace, simplifying the clumsiness of its predecessor before Twitter cut out the marketing spam and made everything feel more communal.
Twitter allows the entire world to know what you’re doing in a continual burst of status updates. Refreshing as it is to know your mate is suffering from chronic diarrhoea, it’s the celebrities who are best value as sometimes, they totally fail to self-edit.
We think of it as friendly stalking from afar, eliminating the chances of you being caught furiously masturbating outside your favourite slebs house. And now, poor Cheryl Cole who has been out the spotlight for a while, has signed up to twitter which means we can find out exactly what she’s thinking (follow her here).
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Hipster Nick Knowles, James Franco, the man fancied by women who like to think they’re clever, is making a porn film. Get that? Porn. In a film. With James Franco. We imagine there will be flash flooding in certain undercarriages right now.
However, we’d like to put the scuppers on your arousal by pointing out that this won’t be a bongo film starring Franco, but rather, a vaguely pretentious documentary made by the actor.
Don’t worry. There’s some salacious stuff for you to get your teeth into all the same, you sickening debauchotrons.
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The slightly good looking version of Dean Gaffney, James Franco, has inexplicably decided to open his mouth and let some words come out. The current words of choice revolve around social networking.
According to Mr Franco, who we have to confess to having absolutely no idea who he is, social networking is as dead as a dead duck.
Of course, this fella who is probably some kind of jazz singer like Michael Buble or something, has been an avid Tweeter but now thinks that twitter is over and done with.
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At time of writing, hecklerspray is unable to confirm or deny that popstrel Lily Allen successfully made herself something to eat last night, but indications are not hopeful according to her twitter feed.
The ‘voice of summer 2006’ has last night thrown the public into turmoil.
Not by “so closely resembling her Dad that you can’t decide whether or not you could smash her without thinking of ‘him’ and laughing about that Tourettes doc he did which would, like, probably put her off and that”, but with an astonishing dining problem.
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