Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
As some of you may have heard, everybody’s favourite weed-lovin’ uncle, Snoop Dogg, released a new video for a song called “Lavender”, and in the video he shoots at a guy wearing a Trump mask.
Given that Donald Trump apparently doesn’t do anything other than obsessively troll the internet, looking for negative things celebrities say about him so he can take to Twitter to respond, it was no shocker when Trump tweeted about the damn video.
?In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really into celebrity culture, and, for the most part I find it all pretty fucking entertaining. Most celebrities seem to find the humor in the whole “celebrity” thing, but some of them are just so goddamn intense that there aren’t enough chill pills in the world to calm them down.
After close review and severe eye-rolling, here are 10 celebrities that really need to learn to calm the fuck down and get out of their own assholes. As I am not a celebrity, no, I have not included myself on this list.
In ?Reincarnated?, a new documentary from VICE magazine, Snoop Lion, formerly Snoop Dogg, formerly Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Jr. (holy mouthful) takes us on a trip to his Jamaican “homeland? to showcase his transformation from badass motherfucker to coconut water sipping, shuffleboard playing, rainbow flag waving pussyanna.
Rocking a super sexy RASTAHHHH mesh tanktop, Snoop explains how through the process of weed smoke baptism he was magically transformed into the reincarnation of Bob Marley, despite the fact that Marley died in 1981, an entire fucking decade after Snoop was born (1971). ?Now, I don't have a PhD in that made up shit you call religion, but I'm pretty sure reincarnation only happens after someone is already dead.
Adidas?recently released an animated short film loosely based on Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol to promote its holiday collection. The film is titled “The Cautionary Tale of Ebenezer Snoop”?and yes, it stars Snoop Lion (formerly Snoop Dogg … we’ll just call him Snoop for the sake of simplicity) as the host and protagonist, guiding viewers through this “classic tale of loss, regret, redemption, and of course, partying.”
Snoop is the only person who physically appears in the film (other than skateboarder Mark Gonzales as?a butler who delivers Snoop’s night cap in a plastic cup), but it also features the voices and animated likenesses of David Beckham, tennis legend Stan Smith,?basketball star Derrick Rose, and sexpot singer Rita Ora.
People fought and died for our freedom, ladies and gentlemen. We’ve had two world wars so that you could walk down to your local council office and request to change your name to Honeydew Melon Mountain Eater. But celebrities? They are the true people willing to honour our fallen heroes. They take advantage of deed polls all the time.
Say hello to well known ganja merchant and highly-paid singing whisperer Snoop Dogg. Or Snoop Lion, because the man has become leonine incarnate (or something). Don’t believe me? Ask him – or rather, quote him from a press conference with journalists he gave recently where he recounted how he was absolutely not high off his face at the time:
Snoop Dogg likes to smoke a little of that sticky icky icky. We know this because he talks about almost nothing else. Remarkably, he hasn’t proclaimed a fondness for reggae yet, so the rapper has decided to create yet another ode to weed by announcing that he’s making a reggae LP with?Diplo.
Yes, really.
It’ll be all blunts-this, chong-that… light-’em-up and gorging on as many packets of 10p crisps at the 24 hour garage as he can.
Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! ?Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.
So, we've all had our run-ins with the ol? Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven't we? ?O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.
Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.
What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it.
Or he didn’t inhale.
Alas, that hasn’t stopped him getting arrested in Texas this week after another canine with a nose for skunk uncovered a rake of marijuana on his tour bus. Seriously. We just assumed that he’s ALWAYS got a buncha hash about his person at all times. Why he’s not constantly being checked up on by the police is a mystery.
Are you the kind of person who wants to ditch your normally boring mates and hang around with some celebrities instead? Of course you are. That’s all anyone really wants. Celebrities have helicopters and diamond socks while your awful mates have overdrafts and microwave meals.
If that’s the case then, you’ll be wanting to hang around with Snoop Dogg won’t you? You’ll be able to drop it like it’s hot, whatever it is.
And so, our new chums from Xbox and Ibiza Rocks are running a competition to make your dreams come true, and all you have to do is recall the best moments of summer. You have to keep reading this article as well though, you idle oaf.
THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it's time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.
It's fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ?street? to keep his pupils interested?
But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.
