Alright, another hollerin’ at the back. So then. What the hell is going on here? And why do we still visit this wretched website, and why do our children all live in cabins where they currently do not have phone connections? – We hear you cry! Don’t worry, we’ll give you a leg up.
So, we’ve all had our run-ins with the ol’ Twitter dot com over the past couple of years, haven’t we? O, the scandal that have been caused! O, the incensed exhales we have expended! O, The Macarena! It was all going so well.
Alas as it came to stand, somewhere down the line, the social networking database has met with disaster, and heartache, like in that film The Social Network, about the other social network. Then in came the cruel side of Twitter: The superinjections, the brain of Natalie Cassidy, and of course the having of an Alan Sugar Twitter account.
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What do we know about Snoop Dogg? Well, firstly, he’s a rapper. Secondly, he’s all long, thin and funny looking. Thirdly, he likes weed. He really, really like his cheeba. He mentions it all the time. So much so that you might think he protest too much and that he’s actually never tried it.
Or he didn’t inhale.
Alas, that hasn’t stopped him getting arrested in Texas this week after another canine with a nose for skunk uncovered a rake of marijuana on his tour bus. Seriously. We just assumed that he’s ALWAYS got a buncha hash about his person at all times. Why he’s not constantly being checked up on by the police is a mystery.
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Are you the kind of person who wants to ditch your normally boring mates and hang around with some celebrities instead? Of course you are. That’s all anyone really wants. Celebrities have helicopters and diamond socks while your awful mates have overdrafts and microwave meals.
If that’s the case then, you’ll be wanting to hang around with Snoop Dogg won’t you? You’ll be able to drop it like it’s hot, whatever it is.
And so, our new chums from Xbox and Ibiza Rocks are running a competition to make your dreams come true, and all you have to do is recall the best moments of summer. You have to keep reading this article as well though, you idle oaf.
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THE BIG DOG IS IN THE HOUSE! 6 words that, when you hear them on the radio, let you know that it’s time to change the station, because the whitest man in history, Tim Westwood, is about to start broadcasting.
It’s fairly safe to say we all hate Westwood, after all what is there to love about a man who looks like a geography teacher painfully trying to hard to appear ‘street’ to keep his pupils interested?
But none of us seem to hate Westwood quite as much as Mark Bulcock.
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What does Snoop Dogg like? He likes weed. He likes expensive brandy. He likes his bitches in bikinis gyrating sexlessly by the pool. He likes all three at once while smirking at his cross-country runner torso and making up his own language… y’know, the same way lonely children do?
And with the rapper’s 40th birthday due (Yeah! 40! He seems much, much older doesn’t he?) imminent, we can all assume that he wants to combine his love of endo, hos and whatnot for the party to end all parties, right?
WRONG! MASSIVELY WRONG! HOW STUPID YOU ARE!
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There are loads of differences between Snoop Dogg and hecklerspray. The most obvious is the jet set lifestyle, stupidly sized mansion and the ability to string words together to form coherent sentences.
The only thing we’ve achieved to date has been conquering our local takeaway’s challenge, “the kebab of doom” which is a meal comprised of the mangled carcasses of multiple animals, piled 5ft high in a pitta, with a secret Creme Egg centre. Finish it and you get a free can of pop.
We always thought that our food feat gave us one-over on Snoop Dogg, but not content with speaking like a child who has their own comedy language, the rapper has decided to venture in to the world of snacks, taking away our only glory. Given some of the lyrical content that Snoop raps about, tucking in to something tasty would probably be quite refreshing given the after effects of certain types of cigarettes.
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Remember when Charlie Sheen was an amusing trainwreck? Sadly, Sheeno became self-aware and, after a brief imperial moment when everyone thought he could walk on water, everyone got very tired of him and wished that he’s start on the drugs again.
No interviews – just drugs.
Well, despite the fact that his flash-in-the-pan revival has dissipated, that hasn’t stopped him from jumping up and down on our collective bed shouting “ME! ME! ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT CHARLIE SHEEN! OVER HERE! ME! I CAN DO A FORWARD ROLL! ME!”, or, in reality, started work on a record with Snoop Dogg who will put his name to anything, provided the money is right.
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Given the technology that our advertising ancestors had 50 years ago, you’d expect that people today would be tuning in to see commercials rather than the TV programmes itself.
If this theory was correct, then the BBC would be sent into oblivion overnight as thousands of people eagerly waited for the Loose Women to shut up and go to a break. Actually, that does happen every time the show is on.
One medium which is becoming increasingly annoying is the film world. Gone are the days of original fresh content. Now we have sequels following prequels and adaptations of books you could never be bothered to read when you were younger. Surely advertisers would never stoop so low as to copy this format and product place branded items into a well known movie scene? The people at Adidas disagree, and have roped in some famous faces to flog some clothes to you.
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