Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
When I heard that Kristen Stewart was hosting Saturday Night Live this past weekend I was like ‘Ugh, really?’ Not because I don’t like her, I actually really do, however, that being said, she’s really painfully awkward. Great on film, but have you ever seen her at an awards show or trying to do an interview? Man, it’s painful to watch.
However, as it turns out, Kristen did a really, really good job, oh, and in case you were still speculating, she is so gay!
Justin Bieber was beyond horrible as the host of Saturday Night Live.?A few of the sketches were moderately funny (despite his participation in them), but my problem with?Justin … as a rule and emphasized on SNL …?is that he tries way too hard to pull off the sexy, intense,?”Hey girl” vibe … and watching it makes me feel like an unwilling?pedophile.
Yes, I do understand that they were playing up that angle on SNL and it was supposed to be funny … but it wasn’t, and the reason is because he clearly believes that’s who he is and how he’s perceived. Sadly, however, it’s only suburban, white girls, aged 10 to 13,?who actually do perceive him that way.
I don’t know about you but I’ve developed something of an absolutely huge crush on Jennifer Lawrence. And I’m not ashamed to admit it and own up to this fact. The woman seems to have come out of nowhere to be the perfect embodiment of a cute, funny, slightly nerdy woman who holds her own in the world and does it with a smile.
In short, she’s perfect.
I am gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. The guy can do no wrong. He was great as a tiny kid in Third Rock from the Sun, and he’s been great in most of the movies he does nowadays as an accomplished adult actor. He’s not fallen off the wagon, and he’s fairly level-headed – which is more than you can say for a lot of former child actors.
Plus, the guy is able to make fun of himself. Whether it’s singing alongside Zooey Deschanel or – his latest foray into fun – making fun of himself and Channing Tatum’s stripper movie Magic Mike, he throws himself into things with gusto.
The human body is a fantastic thing isn't it? We are one of the most advanced beings on the Planet, the only mammal to perfect the art of speech, and in some cases like Katie Price and the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, almost perfecting the art of speech.
But sometimes terrible things happen don't they? Genocide, murder, xenophobia, all terrible, terrible things that have been performed by human hands. The human race can excel to monumental levels, or sink to disgusting depths. And it seems that sometimes people relish in doing things just to make people annoyed or upset.
Step forward designer peddler, Mulberry. Not content with pushing Alexa Chung further into our faces by naming one of their notoriously expensive bags after her, they're at it again, with one of the more bizarre pieces of music/fashion amalgamation. Can you guess which one hit wonder, which financially backed by her rich daddy star has been immortalized in cow hide and not a stitch of forethought? None other than Lana Del Rey of course.
Lana Del Rey is the latest hot-ticket in town, despite having a voice like a broken vacuum cleaner and all the charm of dishcloth. She’s topped the charts with her mawkish drip-hop and a narrative that is basically a culmination of every wet-farted Tumblr dashboard you’ll ever see.
Basically, it’s all pretend dangerous-sex, disaffection, hipstamatic sex, models with tattoos and old movie footage.
The boys pretend to fancy her so they can snare young women who actually fancy her, leaving us with the adolescent equivalent of the way thirtysomethings furiously fap over Christina Hendricks. ?However, Lana Del Duller Than Robert Pattinson has got a boyfriend, so you’ll have to put it away.
Lana Del Rey has had her whole adult life and creative outlets bankrolled by her insanely wealthy father and, at various points nearly gave it all up because she had to actually work a little to get anywhere. However, thickos on the internet came to the rescue and made her an overnight sensation!
Things were all going to (a carefully executed by a PR company) plan as she readied her new album! She was going to become a superstar! The golden goose had actually delivered!
The key cog would be a performance on Saturday Night Live! Lana would sing, everyone would swoon and rush out to buy her album, learn all the hackneyed lyrics and eagerly await the tour announcement. She opened her mouth to her largest audience yet and… oh dear… she ended up sounding like a cow in labour. The plan was ruined.
Lana Del Rey hasn’t even got her debut LP out and yet, somehow, the backlash has already begun! We say ‘somehow’; we know exactly why it has started – she makes really awful music and she’s obviously getting very famous because she’s easy on the eye.
Naturally, that’s not a new criticism against pop-music, but who cares? If Lana Del Rey can rely on the same tired cliches of the alt.pop of yore, then we can certainly chide it for the same old boring reasons.
And oddly, we’re not the only ones who think that Del Rey has a whiff of Emperor’s New Clothes about her. The Also Makes Lousy Music actress, Juliette Lewis, has criticised Lana Del Rey’s performance on Saturday Night Live.
Mila Kunis clearly doesn’t think much of herself. Her self esteem is so obviously low that even we, the troglodytes of the ‘spray hovel, can feel completely superior to her. That said, she did spend a bit of time between Natalie Portman’s legs in Black Swan, whereas we have to make do with photocopies of her face with a hole poked in the mouth.
That said, Kunis used to willingly have sex with Macaulay Culkin and even we’re not that depressed and lonely.
Where we sync up is accepting sexual advances from weirdos on the internet. Jaded writers relying on the kindness of strangers is no big news, but a successful actress with a nice face? Yep. It’s true. Mila has agreed to go on a date with a US Marine sergeant who asked her out for a date on YouTube.
Justin Timberlake brought sexy back, and then promptly stopped making records because there’s more money in the movies. Seeing as we don’t have a proper male pop-superstar, we can blame JT for Justin bloody Bieber.
And Mila Kunis is the woman who indulged in some lavendering with Natalie Portman in Black Swan, which will keep most of you in mucky thoughts for a lifetime.
Both of these attractive humans appear in a film called Friends With Benefits and for the most part, they’re both naked in it. Two attractive people with no clothes on. What a nice image to have in your head, which will slowly erode your sense of worth because you begin to feel more ugly with each vinegar stroke.
