Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Apparently, Pitt The Smoulder was found at the bottom of his garden, among the birds and the bees, smoking a fag. Y’know? Minding his own business and whatnot.

Then, he’s daughters Shiloh and Zahara caught him at it.

Some source says to some paper:

“They followed him outside and caught him puffing away.”

“They couldn’t believe it as he’s always said smoking’s bad for you.”

So is being called Zahara. Wait ’til the school bullies get a load of that! Anyway, Pitt feels all guilty and so is trying to knock the smokes on the head.

In the past, he’s tried hypnotherapy, nicotine mints and sweets to stop his cravings… but alas, not one of them is as cool as smoking.

How else do you punctuate the moment after you’ve just had your third round of sex with Angelina Jolie? Tap her on the arse with celery, fart and roll over to sleep?

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Smokers are having a hard time of it in certain quarters. In many places, they’re no longer allowed to smoke in pubs and bars, leaving them to brilliantly stand in doorways blowing stinkin’ plumes over mewing non-smokers as they walk on by.

In parts of America, you can be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay for merely thinking about a crude pencil drawing of cigarettes.

This has seen British actor Jeremy Irons getting all irate, which presumably makes him want to pace around chain-smoking. Y’see, Irons – a man who has absolutely zero colour in his face – is angry at the whole city of New York for new smoking rules, which prompted him into making a rather odd comparison.

Looking at the lack of rights that smokers have, Irons has leapt to his feet, coughed up a greenie and spat that smokers need to be protected like ‘handicapped people and children’.

This all kicked off after NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg banned smoking in city-owned open spaces, yet obviously, didn’t actually go as far as banning tobacco products altogether, nor indeed, actually do something useful like tackling the city’s dreadful heroin problem or the fact that huge sections of the place smell like tramp’s urine.

But we digress.

Irons grimaced:

“I turned vigorously against the mayor because of the new law (banning) smoking in parks or on the beach, which I think is ludicrous and a terrible bullying of a minority that cannot speak back.”

Presumably because they’re too busy having a good time smoking fags or coughing up their lungs through their noses. He added that smokers deserve to be protected like “handicapped people and children”.

This of course, hasn’t gone down well with charitable organisations who work with those with disabilities.

A spokesperson for the National Organization on Disability said:

“It’s a very inappropriate comparison”.

Irons should move to the Czech Republic. You’re given 20 smokes at birth and actively encouraged to smoke inside pubs and bars. And restaurants. And while you’re conducting eye-surgery. And while you’re teaching children to read. It’s fantastic.

LET’S ALL MOVE TO PRAGUE!

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Ok, we’re sorry. Honestly, we can’t apologise enough to the legions of Muse fans that we might have accidentally upset with our throwaway comments. Recently, there have been a few choice accusations of calling Muse a poor carbon copy of Radiohead – you know that band that awkwardly reinvented their own sound from OK Computer to Kid A and that marketing campaign called In Rainbows?

Obviously we’re the fools. After a bit of research, have we realised that Muse aren’t influenced by Radiohead. God no, instead it’s all been a case of mistaken identity. S Club 7 are who inspire Muse on a daily basis!

Happy go lucky S Club 7 once released the feel good anthem ‘Reach For The Stars’ and after playing it on a loop continuously, Muse frontman Matt Bellamy has decided that he wants to perform a gig in space, going one better his pop counterparts.

Recently, we reported that Muse are on par with a wet paper towel in terms of rock ‘n’ roll behaviour. After reports of ignoring a smoking ban at a gig in Australia, we assumed that the next thing they’d attempt to do was not make their beds in the morning. In actually fact, S Club 7 have more credibility in terms of a band lifestyle. The male members of the band – Paul, Bradley and Jon were cautioned for possession of cannabis. We imagine Muse get their kicks from smuggling flavoured teabags up their foreskin (they’ve got one between them).

However, we have to admit, Muse blasting in to space to perform for aliens and old space satellites isn’t a total surprise. They did release Supermassive Milky Way, so the intentions of venturing into the unknown has always been there.

Playing a gig in space would be quite interesting, though extremely pointless. You couldn’t take an audience with you unless they’d had space training and a live stream would probably crash due to the sheer volume of people wanting to watch the band floating around and crashing in to each other.

Speaking to a rag that doesn’t link back to us when they steal our articles, Matt Bellamy said:

“We’ve had some discussions about playing in space, sometimes very coherent conversations and sometimes very late at night, but it’s for real.”

You that old saying? “In space no-one can hear you scream?” we bloody hope the same applies when a shit band attempts to do the same.

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Comparing Muse to Radiohead like we did last time wasn’t received well. We’d would have had a more friendly response from a vegan if we tied them to a chair and did a sexy lap dance for them as we stripped out of an outfit made entirely out of bacon and mince. Clearly, people weren’t amused by our article and wanted our heads on pikes.

Not ones to prod the embers, it was decided to leave Muse alone. After all, they do bugger all apart from release the occasional song that causes fan boys to stand to attention quicker than the Queen’s guards.

However, fans in Australia won’t be jerking-off over their music anytime soon if officials have their way; the band will be banned from throwing shrimps on the barbie and drinking cans of Fosters in Oz, all because of silly bass player Christopher Wolstenholme.

Christopher who? Yup we asked ourselves the same question, only because we thought that Muse comprised of nobody else but Matt Bellamy – a musician so superhuman that he can play the piano, guitar and triangle at the same time. You know how magicians have the magic circle? Bellamy solely created “The Musicians Plectrum”, an organisation where he is currently the only member. The headquarters are located in a hill deep inside the Lake District, crafted by minions who failed to get in to “The Musicians Plectrum.”

Gone are the days where you got to choke on the body odour and cigarette smoke of other punters at gigs. Now, the fresh recycled smell of sweat is pumped around venues as this is the least likely out of the two to give you cancer. But big important rock stars don’t have rules; seemingly, the no smoking sign didn’t seem to bother Christopher Wolstenholme.

During a gig at the Ron Laver arena in Melbourne, he lit up several cigarettes according to reports. MTV.co.uk say:

“He apparently initially tried to hide his actions by only puffing when dry ice fog rolled over the stage, but by the end was smoking freely between songs.”

In terms of doing stupid at a gig, it doesn’t appear to be that radical. There aren’t any reports of the stage accidentally catching fire or the band members destroying their equipment at the end of the gig. Perhaps it’s a case of the event promoters overreacting a little bit? Jo Juler, a spokesperson for the venue said:

“Officials spoke to the band before and after the show and we were extremely disappointed when they decided to flaunt our strict no-smoking policy. They are known as an anti-establishment style of performance group, but it was still sad that they decided to go ahead regardless.”

Anti establishment?

We genuinely can’t think of anything they’ve done to bring society to its knees. You’d have seen more anarchy following the recent student/tax dodging protests. Or at a Bieber show. Got to start somewhere we guess. Next we expect other band members to piss in to cups and chuck them at gig goers who need a pick me up drink during yet another one of their overly long, fret-wanking performancez.

Please don’t ban them Australia, it’ll only mean the rest of us will have to put up with more live dates!

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What was most offensive about Avatar? Its length? The fact that Zoe Saldana had boobs for no reason whatsoever?

Its GCSE politics? The way that the 3D glasses made your eyeballs start to vibrate inside your own skull? No, you idiots, it was the smoking. Remember how Sigourney Weaver was all like “I sure do love to smoke me some cigarettes!” in Avatar and then she died? That was the most offensive thing about Avatar – apart from, you know, the whole thing being a bunch of gormless hippy bollocks.

In fact, Weaver’s Avatar smoking has riled some people enough to buy ads bemoaning all the free advertising the tobacco industry received as a result. And the tobacco industry has been quick to maximise on this, which explains all the ‘Cigarettes: Now Smoked By Butch Old Ladies Who Turn Into Aliens And Then Die!’ billboards you’ve been seeing everywhere lately.

It’s a well-established fact that, when you see something on a screen, it influences your real-life decisions. That’s why, when you see all the Coca Cola cups next to Simon Cowell on American Idol, you want to punch Simon Cowell in the mouth. Drink Coca Cola. We meant to say that it makes you want to drink Coca Cola. Yes, that’s right.

And it’s the same with Avatar. Why, when we saw Avatar, its complex power of suggestion made us want to demonstrate our Caucasian superiority by flying to another planet – or, if that wasn’t practical, flying to a slightly ethnic-seeming country – and showing all the stupid locals how much better than them we are by passing ourselves off as a sort of spurious Jesus figure as crassly as possible until one of them lets us have it off with her.

Oh, and smoke. Avatar made us want to take up smoking as well. Mainly it was the misinformed Jesus thing, but smoking a bit as well.

And it turns out we’re not the only ones. Members of Smoke Free Movies – a campaign opposed to the depiction of smoking in films aimed at the young – have become so incensed by Sigourney Weaver’s smoking in Avatar that they’ve decided to take out two full-page ads in Variety and The Hollywood Reporter bemoaning all the free advertising that the film has apparently given to the tobacco industry. The New York Times reports:

Advertisements in Hollywood trade papers accuse the film of providing the equivalent of $50 million in free tobacco advertising. For every $100 million it earns at the box office, “Avatar” will “deliver an estimated 40 million tobacco impressions to theater audiences,” said the ads, referring to scenes involving a cigarette-smoking character played by Sigourney Weaver.

James Cameron has already dealt with these claims in part, making the distinction between advocating smoking and simply portraying it. Which is a fair point – for most of Avatar, Sigourney Weaver is too busy being a simpering blue alien who babbles on about windchimes and dreamcatchers and God knows how many other kinds of pseudo-spiritual mumbo-jumbo to explicitly state that smoking makes you look both cooler and more grown-up. Which we heard it totally does, kids.

However, James Cameron has yet to respond to the latest batch of Smoke Free Movies ads. Maybe instead of issuing a formal rebuttal he should just send them a DVD copy of Ghostbusters. That filmcontains so much smoking that they’d probably end up pooing blood 15 minutes in.

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One of the worst things about smoking – and this is true – is that it really impedes one’s ability to chase down strangers with chainsaws and brutally murder them.

And this is a problem. So much so, in fact, that the European Commission has put together a video that specifically promotes an anti-smoking lifestyle to maximise the lung capacity of chainsaw-killers in regard to pursuits. We’re not making this up.

There’s even a little squadron of anti-smoking mascots to help the murderers along. One of them looks like an amputated testicle. Again, not making this up. See for yourself after the jump…

Hey, guess what! Will Young has a new album coming out. How do we know this?

The Pop Idol winner has been thankfully away from our TVs and radio for a good healthy period of time. But now he’s back making all sorts of grand pronouncements. Bum. When popstars aren’t around to annoy us, no-one gives a toss about them. But when albums are released, quotes from press interviews are suddenly given massive importance. Erm… just like we’re doing right now. Bum.

You see, Will Young’s decided to come out (not literally – we’ve had a hunch for a while) with a random statement about one of the main loves in his life – the good old cigarette.

Will Young is one of those people whose main vice in life is to fill his mouth with the sweet taste of smoke. Mmm, if ever there was a sexy thought to cross our minds. Well, the thought of the stubbly lady from the off license is a close second. Sadly for Will and millions of other fag lovers, the government decided to go and outlaw smoking in pubs and public buildings, effectively making sure you can’t light up anywhere.

Hooray! Non-smokers won’t die of cancer from the evil gases that come from cigarettes. We can now wander the street with only the fear of being shot at or being stabbed in our minds instead. God bless Britain.

Some famous folk have decided to ignore the ban on smoking and do radical things like smoking on stage at gigs. But Will Young wouldn’t do that! Oh no. Probably because parents of the under-18 gigs he plays wouldn’t be happy. If their 12-year-old children want to smoke, it should be their choice. Being influenced by a past-it Pop Idol bloke won’t help.

Nevertheless, Will Young is pissed off with not being able to smoke anywhere. He told Now magazine that he’d reverse the smoking ban if he had the power. Something that’s as likely to happen as Jordan not having any more surgery on her tits. Will said:

“If I could pass any law I’d reverse the smoking ban. The amount of times I’m outside a building, in a public place, and someone says: “You can’t smoke here.” And I’m like: “I’m on the pavement; just you try and stop me!”

Yeah! Just try and stop him. What you gonna do? Remember he sang in a competition once and now has more power then you could ever have? Leave him alone. He’s done nothing to you. At least in his mind, he can make a difference. So just go with him before things get tasty and bits of your leg go missing.

We have an idea of how Will can get his fix of smoke for free. We are all financially fucked at the minute, remember. All you need to do is get in your car and have the engine running. The fumes it emits will entice the Pop Idol bod to come and smack his lips right round the exhaust. As he breathes it all in, the option of reversing the car over him is entirely up to you. Just remember, we didn’t plant that idea in your head. Not even if the judge asks.

Yesterday Shia LaBeouf was a fugitive on the run from the law, like Harrison Ford in that film Working Girl.

Not today, though – today Shia LaBeouf has faced his crimes like a man, like Harrison Ford in that film The Fugitive. Well, not 'faced his crimes' exactly – Shia LaBeouf has pleaded not guilty to the awful accusation that he smoked on a pavement once.

But at least Shia LaBeouf actually got around to entering a plea this time – up until that point he had an arrest warrant on his head for not tuning up to court at all. It's a stern lesson to all that you can't run from the law, no matter how adorably boyish your iddle widdle puppy dumpling cheeks are.

Nature isn't the only thing that abhors a vacuum – celebrity justice hates them equally as much. As soon as a celebrity – say, Phil Spector – finishes his court case, Paul McCartney and Heather Mills decide to get divorced. And if you were worried that you'd be strapped of celebrity court appearances until the OJ Simpson trial gets started, don't be – Shia LaBeouf has manfully stepped in to plug the void.

You see, although Shia LaBeouf might look like the sort of dungaree-wearing mischievous six-year-old who keeps a worm in a matchbox as a pet and has his own treehouse, in actual fact he's a court-hardened bastard. Shia LaBeouf got to being that way from living on the seedy underside of life where people don't think twice about politely refusing to leave a drugstore even though a security guard asked them nicely.

That's not the extent of Shia LaBeouf's badassery, though – earlier this week he failed to show up in court on an unlawful smoking charge and was hit with a full-blown arrest warrant as a result. But Shia LaBeouf scoffs in the face of arrest warrants. Shia LaBeouf cares not for puny arrest warrants, he tosses them aide like… oh, in actual fact Shia LaBeouf doesn't scoff at arrest warrants at all. Instead he quickly sends a lawyer to court to make everything all better. People reports:

A court commissioner in Burbank, Calif., recalled a $1,000 bench warrant Shia LaBeouf for on Wednesday after the actor's attorney arrived a day late to plead not guilty on LaBeouf's behalf to illegally smoking. LaBeouf, 21, was not in the courtroom when attorney Michael Norris entered the plea for the misdemeanor offense before Commissioner Kirkland Nyby. A pretrial hearing was set for April 24, says Superior Court rep Allan Parachini. 

Do you see that? Shia LaBeouf might have apologetically instructed a lawyer to get his arrest warrant ditched but he still pleaded not guilty to his unlawful smoking charge. Shia's so determined to fight the system that he's prepared to turn a routine five-second court appearance into an epic battle of multiple drawn-out court appearances and expensive legal fees. That's right Shia! Beat the man!

Sometimes we really wish we were American taxpayers, you know.

Read more:

Court Snuffs Out Bench Warrant for Shia LaBeouf – People 

It's a good job that Shia LaBeouf has a face so adorable that it looks as if it's been pieced together with moonbeams and kitten-fluff.

That's because Shia LaBeouf is just about the crummiest law-breaker that the world has ever seen. After his recent arrest for standing a pharmacy for too long, Shia LaBeouf has now got in trouble for smoking cigarettes as well.

Worse still, Shia LaBeouf now has an arrest warrant on his head after skipping his smoking-based court appearance, something which stands to jeopardise his next fiendishly evil ruse – scrumping apples from Old Man McGee's orchard to bake and sell a selection of delicious yet unlawful pies from his mother's drive.

Don't be fooled by Shia LaBeouf's puppyish face or innocent sparkly eyes, because at heart he's nothing more than an evil mastermind who'll stop at nothing to smash the system. You can see it in the way that Shia LaBeouf blabbed the title of the new Indiana Jones movie even though Steven Spielberg had apparently asked him not to, or the way that he decided to star in Transformers even though he must have known it would be worse than terrible.

But Shia LaBeouf's troublemaking streak doesn't just extend to ropey-looking blockbuster movies – Shia LaBeouf is also intent on breaking the law as often as possible in the most shocking of ways. Like, for instance, in November when Shia LaBeouf bought the justice system to its knees by standing around in a Walgreens and not leaving when a security guard asked him to. You have to admit that's badass.

Thanks to Walgreens dropping the charges, though, Shia LaBeouf didn't achieve his life-long ambition of going to prison, which is why he planned his next atrocity – smoking on a pavement. Wait, it gets worse – smoking on a pavement and then not showing up to court. E! Online reports:

Thanks to his nicotine habit, the rising star is wanted by the cops after skipping a court hearing to answer a ticket for unlawful smoking. A warrant was issued Tuesday for the arrest of the Transformers star after neither he nor his attorney turned up in a Burbank, Calif., courtroom, a court clerk confirmed. According to TMZ, the 21-year-old thesp was busted for puffing illegally on the sidewalk outside a gift store called Skyblupink. Arraignment was scheduled for 8 a.m. for the misdemeanor offense. The judge issued a $1,000 bench warrant once he determined LaBeouf was missing in action.

Shia LaBeouf has really done himself in by skipping the court appearance. Had he shown up, he'd have probably been let off with a minor monetary fine, but now he faces the harshest punishment that an unlawful smoking bust can offer. That's right – the sheriff's going to sit him down and make him smoke 20 packets of cigarettes one after the other right in front of him. Menthol ones, too – these people don't mess around.

Of course, there's a chance that Shia LaBeouf will avoid jail again for this awful crime – in which case the world will just have to tremble in anticipation of his next fearsome outburst. And it has every reason to – we hear from our sources that it'll either involve spitwads or kissing girls behind the woodwork block.

Read more:

Shia's Smoking Warrant – E! Online 

Life used to be so much simpler than it is now.  

Take raising children, for one. We have fond memories of when parents would pack us into the back of the station wagon for 12-hour road trips to Nana’s house like a bunch wild animals hopped up on generic soda and Cheeze-Its. Nowadays you have to secure the little tykes into properly installed safety seats and can’t strap one to the luggage rack when they keep counting the bottles of beer on the wall and just… won’t… SHUT UP. 

And whatever happened to the good old days when a six-month-pregnant woman who has surrendered all self-restraint to the nicotine gods and habitually smoke in peace? Maybe Nicole Richie knows, because she was spotted smoking a few ciggies in a scenario very similar to this one.  

Or maybe she wasn’t. It could have just been a rumour. That’s what Nicole Richie is saying, anyway.  

Pregnancy has changed Nicole Richie. It’s made her wiser, more mature and more visible when she turns sideways now so it’s much safer for her to cross busy roads and walk over subway grates. It has also kept her from making any stupid reality shows and driving into oncoming traffic while on drugs and stuff. Lately we’ve been grateful to just relax and go back to calling her ‘the super skinny daughter of Lionel Richie that wasn’t so super skinny for a while but then got so super skinny that we all felt bad for saying she was fat and just wish she’d go back to being not so super skinny’. 

Anyway, the point is that getting preggers with Good Charlotte singer Joel Madden and his eyeliner seemed to have mellowed Nicole Richie out. That’s why it was so abhorrent when reports came out the she was spotted smoking in New York using her baby bump as an ashtray. It’s true. It really is. All except that we imagined the foetal ashtray because that’s how we’d do it and the fact that Nicole Richie denies the whole smoking thing entirely.  

You see, on Monday gossip columnist Cindy Adams’ reported in the New York Post that Nicole Richie was spotted outside of two different establishments being all smokey while pregnant over the weekend. Now, don’t go hitting Al Gore on the speed dial to come and help a troubled Nicole Richie just yet even though Lindsay Lohan apparently thinks that was a good idea for herself. Nicole Richie has a few things to say on the matter to Access Hollywood: 

“It’s really very sad and hurtful that journalists don’t believe in checking facts before writing false and unsubstantiated stories about my health and my pregnancy… The healthy birth of my child is my number one priority.” 

If the journalists had checked their facts they would have learned that Nicole Richie apparently wasn’t even in New York at the time of the supposed sightings.  

Well, there you have it, folks. Nicole Richie appears to be the victim of unsubstantiated rumour. Maybe it was just someone that looked like Nicole Richie. Maybe it was just a ten year-old boy wearing a dress with a melon under it to be a body double for Nicole Richie to distract the paparazzi so she and Joel Madden can have some privacy to give each other makeovers.  

Read more: 

Nicole Richie Stubs Out Smoking Rumours - MSNBC