Smoking - HecklerSpray

Brad Pitt Caught Smoking By His Judgemental, Pious Children

October 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Jeremy Irons Thinks Smokers Need To Be Protected Like Disabled Folk

April 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Smokers are having a hard time of it in certain quarters. In many places, they’re no longer allowed to smoke in pubs and bars, leaving them to brilliantly stand in doorways blowing stinkin’ plumes over mewing non-smokers as they walk on by.

In parts of America, you can be arrested and sent to Guantanamo Bay for merely thinking about a crude pencil drawing of cigarettes.

This has seen British actor Jeremy Irons getting all irate, which presumably makes him want to pace around chain-smoking. Y’see, Irons – a man who has absolutely zero colour in his face – is angry at the whole city of New York for new smoking rules, which prompted him into making a rather odd comparison.

Muse Want To Reach For The Stars Just Like S Club 7

January 6th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Ok, we're sorry. Honestly, we can't apologise enough to the legions of Muse fans that we might have accidentally upset with our throwaway comments. Recently, there have been a few choice accusations of calling Muse a poor carbon copy of Radiohead ? you know that band that awkwardly reinvented their own sound from OK Computer to Kid A and that marketing campaign called In Rainbows?

Obviously we're the fools. After a bit of research, have we realised that Muse aren't influenced by Radiohead. God no, instead it's all been a case of mistaken identity. S Club 7 are who inspire Muse on a daily basis!

Happy go lucky S Club 7 once released the feel good anthem ‘Reach For The Stars’ and after playing it on a loop continuously, Muse frontman Matt Bellamy has decided that he wants to perform a gig in space, going one better his pop counterparts.

Muse To Be Banned In Australia (And Not Because They’re Rubbish)

December 20th, 2010 By Matthew Laidlow

Comparing Muse to Radiohead like we did last time wasn?t received well. We?d would have had a more friendly response from a vegan if we tied them to a chair and did a sexy lap dance for them as we stripped out of an outfit made entirely out of bacon and mince. Clearly, people weren't amused by our article and wanted our heads on pikes.

Not ones to prod the embers, it was decided to leave Muse alone. After all, they do bugger all apart from release the occasional song that causes fan boys to stand to attention quicker than the Queen’s guards.

However, fans in Australia won't be jerking-off over their music anytime soon if officials have their way; the band will be banned from throwing shrimps on the barbie and drinking cans of Fosters in Oz, all because of silly bass player Christopher Wolstenholme.

Avatar Smoking Riles Touchy Dimwits

January 12th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

What was most offensive about Avatar? Its length? The fact that Zoe Saldana had boobs for no reason whatsoever?

Its GCSE politics? The way that the 3D glasses made your eyeballs start to vibrate inside your own skull? No, you idiots, it was the smoking. Remember how Sigourney Weaver was all like “I sure do love to smoke me some cigarettes!” in Avatar and then she died? That was the most offensive thing about Avatar – apart from, you know, the whole thing being a bunch of gormless hippy bollocks.

In fact, Weaver’s Avatar smoking has riled some people enough to buy ads bemoaning all the free advertising the tobacco industry received as a result. And the tobacco industry has been quick to maximise on this, which explains all the ‘Cigarettes: Now Smoked By Butch Old Ladies Who Turn Into Aliens And Then Die!’ billboards you’ve been seeing everywhere lately.

Quit Smoking! Be A Better Murderer!

November 20th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

One of the worst things about smoking – and this is true – is that it really impedes one’s ability to chase down strangers with chainsaws and brutally murder them.

And this is a problem. So much so, in fact, that the European Commission has put together a video that specifically promotes an anti-smoking lifestyle to maximise the lung capacity of chainsaw-killers in regard to pursuits. We’re not making this up.

There’s even a little squadron of anti-smoking mascots to help the murderers along. One of them looks like an amputated testicle. Again, not making this up. See for yourself after the jump…

Will Young Launches A One-Man War On The Smoking Ban

March 24th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

Hey, guess what! Will Young has a new album coming out. How do we know this?

The Pop Idol winner has been thankfully away from our TVs and radio for a good healthy period of time. But now he’s back making all sorts of grand pronouncements. Bum. When popstars aren’t around to annoy us, no-one gives a toss about them. But when albums are released, quotes from press interviews are suddenly given massive importance. Erm… just like we’re doing right now. Bum.

You see, Will Young’s decided to come out (not literally – we’ve had a hunch for a while) with a random statement about one of the main loves in his life – the good old cigarette.

Shia LaBeouf Pleads Not Guilty To Smoking-Based Atrocity

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Yesterday Shia LaBeouf was a fugitive on the run from the law, like Harrison Ford in that film Working Girl.

Not today, though – today Shia LaBeouf has faced his crimes like a man, like Harrison Ford in that film The Fugitive. Well, not 'faced his crimes' exactly – Shia LaBeouf has pleaded not guilty to the awful accusation that he smoked on a pavement once.

But at least Shia LaBeouf actually got around to entering a plea this time – up until that point he had an arrest warrant on his head for not tuning up to court at all. It's a stern lesson to all that you can't run from the law, no matter how adorably boyish your iddle widdle puppy dumpling cheeks are.

Shia LaBeouf Is A Law-Breaking Smoker

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It's a good job that Shia LaBeouf has a face so adorable that it looks as if it's been pieced together with moonbeams and kitten-fluff.

That's because Shia LaBeouf is just about the crummiest law-breaker that the world has ever seen. After his recent arrest for standing a pharmacy for too long, Shia LaBeouf has now got in trouble for smoking cigarettes as well.

Worse still, Shia LaBeouf now has an arrest warrant on his head after skipping his smoking-based court appearance, something which stands to jeopardise his next fiendishly evil ruse – scrumping apples from Old Man McGee's orchard to bake and sell a selection of delicious yet unlawful pies from his mother's drive.

Nicole Richie Not As Into Pregnant Smoking As Originally Thought

March 31st, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Life used to be so much simpler than it is now.

Take raising children, for one. We have fond memories of when parents would pack us into the back of the station wagon for 12-hour road trips to Nana’s house like a bunch wild animals hopped up on generic soda and Cheeze-Its. Nowadays you have to secure the little tykes into properly installed safety seats and can’t strap one to the luggage rack when they keep counting the bottles of beer on the wall and just… won’t… SHUT UP.

And whatever happened to the good old days when a six-month-pregnant woman who has surrendered all self-restraint to the nicotine gods and habitually smoke in peace? Maybe Nicole Richie knows, because she was spotted smoking a few ciggies in a scenario very similar to this one.

Or maybe she wasn’t. It could have just been a rumour. That’s what Nicole Richie is saying, anyway.