You remember The Offspring, don’t you? They’re the ones that did that song about being ‘pretty fly’ despite being a white person. It’s a song which is basically about not mimicking black people. It’s one of those songs that has gone down in history as being the intellectual equivalent to ‘The Bad Touch’ by The Bloodhound Gang.

Well, if you were excited when that came out you’ll be delighted to hear that they’ve confirmed they are putting the finishing touches to the follow-up to 2008’s ‘Rise and Fall, Rage and Grace.’ Our source for this claimed that it was the ‘much-anticipated’ follow-up but even we’re not that sarcastic.

Singer Dexter Holland and guitarist Noodles told a very, very strangely set up podcast that the band have already finished the guitar and drum parts for the twelve tracks on the record and they are now working on the lyrics.

That’s how you write an album, isn’t it? You just record some music and then see what fits in. Maybe they’ll do another song about wanting to ‘hit something’ like 2003′s ‘Hit That’ from the album Splinter.

Speaking on a podcast, with special guest competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi (no… seriously), The Offspring’s creative powerhouses mull over a number of subjects but apparently didn’t get time to contemplate why they haven’t released a decent record since 1997′s Ixnay on the Hombre.

Holland said:

“So as you guys at home can probably tell we’ve been totally fucking off on not working on the record.”

Actually Dexter, no-one was that bothered but thanks for keeping us informed. The frontman insisted that the band have been working their behinds off in the studio every day ‘laying down tracks’ but are now taking their time to shoehorn some lyrics into the songs.

The Offspring admit that their latest, hotly-unanticipated release won’t be out this year but have been careful to suggest that the fans of the defunct genre won’t be waiting too long for their inevitable disappointment.

Guitarist Noodles stated:

“No. I don’t think so (come out this year)… prove me wrong, dude! Who knows at this point? It’s definitely not gonna be a Chinese Democracy situation. It’s not… you know, we’re gonna finish it, we’re getting close, you see the light at the end of the tunnel. You know… we’re not gonna go in and scrap and re-write these songs, these songs are good. So don’t worry about that.”

He seems certain, doesn’t he? All those ellipses don’t denote hesitation… or do they?

Actually, we are quite worried. Some of us in the hecklerspray bedsit have fond memories of The Offspring back in the day when they were quite good and quite fun. Given The Offspring’s last two or three studio offerings, fans of the band should be really, really concerned that Noodles thinks these songs are ‘good’. He’s clearly not the best judge. Especially given how strikingly awful Chinese Democracy turned out to be.

If you can’t control yourself and have already piddled your pants with excitement at the prospect of more Orange County surf pop-punk from the men who brought you that other song about getting a job or something like that then go and listen to 1994′s Smash and wonder why they can’t just do that again.

Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It’s alcohol – obviously.

Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James (a celebrity in his own right but, as you’ll no doubt understand, not quite worthy of a mention in the headline), being driven by 55-year-old Mark Hussey (not a chance) were hit by a drunk driver in Gloucester, Mass., on Friday evening.

According to People, the driver of the offending vehicle has been identified by local cops as Lucille P. Gatchell, a 64-year-old from Gloucester.

Police said Lucille’s gray Subaru station wagon jumped lanes on East Main Street and crashed into the front end of their private car but, staying true to the celebrity-car-crash form-guide, not a sausage was injured.

Luckily, Hussey had been driving at just 20 mph at the time. And we all know what would have happened if they’d been traveling at double that speed!

(Now, at this point, we have the choice of two comedy avenues to skip down; the first being a reference to that girl in the ‘if you hit me at 40 mph I’ll get mangled by a tree, but if you hit me at 30mph I’ll just piss myself a little’ adverts. And second, of course, is the ‘it would trigger a bomb that Dennis Hopper will explode if you go under a certain speed’ avenue)

(Both have their merits, but have been done and redone over the last 24 hours by publications less reputable than this, and we can’t be seen – at least – to be delving to their level. So rather than wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with the following dilemma, before hurriedly moving on: If you were driving the Speed bus and that girl from the advert walked in the road, would you leave her wetting herself, or holding up that tree? It may happen one day.)

The real star of this whole shebang, however, is, without a shadow of a doubt, Gloucester Police Lt. Gerry Cook, who commented:

“It’s unfortunate, but it shows you that no one is immune from drunk drivers, no matter how famous you are.”

Now that man does deserve a mention in the headline! Finally someone is brave enough to stand up to the brainwashed masses who believe celebrities harbour special powers making it impossible for drunk drivers to collide with them.

You idiots! Wake up and smell the reality!

Lt. Cook continued:

“They were shaken up, needless to say, But they were fine – he was hugging her. Jess and Sandra were hugging. They said they were fine, they didn’t need medical attention. There were quite a few people snapping pictures of them…”

Lucille P. Gatchell was given a field sobriety test by officers. She blew a .20 on the breathalyzer (two and a half times the legal limit). She was arrested and booked for driving under the influence of alcohol and failure to stay in marked lanes.

She was later released on her own recognizance (recognizance: n. an obligation of record that is entered into before a court or magistrate, containing a condition to perform a particular act, such as making a court appearance) and shall be arraigned (arraigned: tr.v. to call [an accused person] before a court to answer the charge made against him or her by indictment, information, or complaint) on the charges this (this: pron. used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned) coming Tuesday.

Read More – Sandra Bullock, Husband Hit By Drunk Driver – People