Much of this kerfuffle is down to American Idol winner Jordin Sparks, who took so much offence at host Russell Brand’s mockery of abstinence that she marched up to the stage and threw a prissy little tantrum about it on live TV, basically calling all unmarried non-virgins ’sluts’ in the process.

Now that the dust has settled a little, though, Jordin Sparks is feeling a little bit sorry for herself. She still stands by the notion of purity rings, she says, but she wishes she hadn’t called everyone a slut like that. And we have to agree with Jordin Sparks – we think the term she was reaching for was ’squalid Godless fornicating AIDS-carrying sodomites whose corpses will blister and writhe in hell for eternity’. We imagine.

Remember on Monday, when everyone thought that the MTV VMAs were all about Britney Spears and the way she’s amazingly recovered from her mental illness to the extent where she can sit still for as long as it takes a team of experts to style her hair and apply her makeup? How foolish we all were back then.

Really, what we should have been making a fuss about was the growing tension between Russell Brand and the new generation of popstars in the audience. After all, Russell Brand is a notorious sex addict who spent most of his time onstage reeling off lewd gag after lewd gag, and he was playing to a crowd of clingfilm-faced virgin performers who all wear purity rings as a promise to God that they’ll never act on a single dirty thought until they’re married, and who all have Action Man-style sanded-off plastic nubs where their genitals should be.

It was never going to end well, and it didn’t – halfway through the MTV VMAs, blindingly anonymous American Idol winner and proud purity ring-wearer Jordin Sparks clumped her way on stage and said:

“It’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody – guy or girl – wants to be a slut.”

The implication was clear. If you’ve ever had sex outside of wedlock – even if you’re middle-aged and in a professional position of authority – then you’re a slut. A great big slut. A great big dirty slut who hangs around grimy inner-city train stations asking strangers if you can ejaculate into their faces for money. That’s what Jordin Sparks said, give or take a sentence or two.

Already The Jonas Brothers – who bore the brunt of most of Brand’s jokes – have forgiven Russell Brand for his jokes in a last-ditch attempt not to alienate the large swathe of their fanbase who do actually happen to be sluts. But Jordin Sparks is fairly unrepentant about her outburst, apart from the bit where she called everyone a slut. She told Entertainment Weekly:

“I wish I would’ve worded it differently – that somebody who doesn’t wear a promise ring isn’t necessarily a slut – but I can’t take it back now. It was a split-second thing, and it came out kind of wrong. Still, I don’t regret it.”

Still, given that she has already semi-apologised for her remarks, it would be wrong of us to chastise Jordin Sparks further, and we should respect her right to wear a purity ring.

After all, if she wants to deprive herself of sex until she becomes so helplessly terrified and frustrated that she eventually compromises her ideals and marries a completely unsuitable man only to realise that they literally couldn’t be any more sexually incompatible and ends up grinding out the rest of her joyless life one day at a time trapped in union with a man she’s come to resent because he consistently fails to satisfy her physically, then that’s her choice entirely.

Because, honestly, if the alternative is Russell Brand…

The British actress’ public image took another body blow following her much-criticised affair with married boyfriend Balthazar Getty after vandals wrote the insult on the outer wall of her North London home.

So who would do such a terrible thing? Well, of course, there is the legal wife or several children of the guy she is currently bonking senseless.

Then there is her jilted ex-lover Rhys Ifans. But Hecklerspray would like to make it very clear that we don’t think it is any of these people. Pointing the finger would be just wrong.

Plus the fact that Sienna Miller is so unpopular at the moment the list of possible culprits is too long to narrow down.

Sienna Miller should have just stuck with P Diddy. They were so happy together. He’d treat her like a lady, and she’d giggle at all his fall-flat jokes. Also, he’d send his stooges to bang on the car doors of anyone taking pictures of their secret meetings.

Then again, perhaps Miller should have stuck to Sean Penn. They’d be oh-so happy too – and his wife maybe didn’t care quite as much.

‘As much as who,’ you may be wondering. As much as the wife of Balthazar Getty – the guy she got photographed canoodling with while her nipples and breasts apparently substituted as stress-balls for Getty’s super-tense fingers and palms.

You remember that, right? Of course you do. Everyone else seems to as well. That’s why the Sun says:

“An exterior wall of Sienna’s home in North London was daubed, in capitals, with the word ‘SLUT’. The black, spray-painted graffiti also included an unsettling circular symbol – which looks like an attempt to recreate the sign for Satan. The actress has attracted controversy for her relationship with married man Balthazar Getty.”

A satanic symbol written in black? Then it wasn’t Mrs. Getty – she hates devil stuff. It was Britney Spears – that’s her bag, right?

Not anymore, actually.

Still, it’ll be interesting to see if any slaughtered goats show up on Miller’s doorstep over the next few weeks. If that’s the case, we only hope the animals get slaughtered humanely.

You know, like under the supervision of a licensed veterinarian or something.

Whether you like Usher’s music or not, it must be said that the boy can dance; predominantly he dances like a spaz, but he sure can throw some crazy moves together. And it’s perhaps these slinky footsteps that have gotten his erect penis into trouble before. His reputation for banging broads like a horny puppy is well known in celebrity land.

Horny Usher also has a perfume out that bears his name stencilled in big bold letters using what can only be described as ‘tattoo script’. It smells a bit like turps and takes his personal fortune up into the trillions – thus confirming his status as ‘richest man to be named after the job you give someone who isn’t good enough to be Best Man at your wedding’.

As for his own nuptials, Usher isn’t confident about staying faithful, which must be either music to his wife’s ears if she is looking for a cut of his diamond factory, or pretty miserable if she, like, you know, loves him and stuff.

Usher told Cosmopolitan magazine:

“I’m good at making love, but I’m not good at being in love. It’s a conscious decision every day to love the person you’re with“.

The man who would be Chris Eubank with a signet ring married then-pregnant fiancée Tameka Foster in August 2007 after abruptly calling off the ceremony just a month before.

This might not be the best omen in the world and, coupled with Usher’s utter disregard for why people get married in the first place, gives us the gall to pencil in his divorce for, say, February 2009.

If he has issue with this statement, Usher is welcome to drop by our offices in London and put us straight. Now that’s London, not Manchester when it should be Kent, just as the bling king so memorably muddled up during a recent gig in the sleepy southeast county.

Married life might not be the worst thing in the world for Usher though; he should give it a chance. It’s fun to put on more weight than Oprah and then slouch about in your own filth while your better half nags you about drain hair and the toilet seat. So Jay-Z says anyway.

She has described their behavior as ‘normal’ for girls their age and suggested they have ‘good hearts’; a case of the pot defending the kettle for being black, perhaps? According to Yahoo, Miley said:

Everyone has their time. And I think most 21 to 25-year-olds go through this kind of thing. Basically, they’re being normal 21-year-olds, especially Lindsay. I mean, most of that’s pretty normal. If you went to most high schools, I could point out Britneys and Lindsays.

Everyone has their time. We hear ya, Miley, we hear ya.

And just what is going on in American high schools? Are there drunk girls crashing their cars in the hallway, stepping and spilling out from the wreckage, proceeding to shove their tongue down the nearest jock’s throat before attacking all onlookers with a brolly, all in the name of normality?

Or is that all bull-shit, Miley? Is it more that someone quite fancies doing the same things themselves sometime, like what hecklerspray predicted a few weeks back, hmm?

Miley said more things on the same subject:

I guess that’s why I’m so adamant about the Britneys and Lindsays and whatever, because I know those people and I know they have good hearts and they’re just struggling.

Yeah, we guess that’s why you’re being so adamant about it as well, and we’d believe it too if you just stopped flashing your jail-bait back for two seconds, god!

Honestly, is this really how the youth of today view Britney and Lindsay; as good-hearted, normal people? Have we learnt nothing? Are we just going to ceaselessly make the same mistakes over and over again?

All the paparazzi and entertainment sites in the world will be praying this is the case.

Read More – Cyrus defends ‘normal’ Spears and Lohan, Yahoo

The outfit made a clear definition of the shape of her breasts and bottom. One source who attended the gig told hecklerspray:

It was disgusting. I was standing there, wanting to have an innocent boogie to some of the finest pop-music this millennium has had to offer when, all of a sudden, 15-year-old Miley appears, looking beautiful and slightly sexually arousing, and now I feel like a paedophile. This has got to stop. This would never have happened if Al-Qaeda were in control; either get the girl a hijab and let me boogie in unaroused peace, or burn her.

A week has now passed since Miley momentarily interrupted the earth’s orbit by getting her filthy underage back out for Annie Leibovitz’s camera.

The world didn’t know what to do with itself. It asked questions like ‘is this pornography?’ and ‘how could a Disney sweetheart be such a slut?’ and ‘what is the point in living anymore?’

The reason the world asked such questions is because it is an incredibly stupid place, which God will soon have his merry way with.

Pornography is defined as ‘sexually explicit pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal ‘ and as we can all see, the primary purpose of those photos was to get the idiots of the world barking about Miley’s integrity until she became the biggest celebrity in the world.

Hats off.

Come on world, we’re living in a day and age when people like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are the most idolised figures on you. The youth of today wants to be like these people. And how did Paris, Britney and Lindsay get there? By acting like sluts. If you’re offended by it then stop bloody paying them attention!

Miley said to the crowd last night:

I hope you had an awesome time. I saw a sign back there that said, ‘Miley, I’m praying for you.’ I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love everyone of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you.

Dear God,

Please look down kindly upon Miley Cyrus. We’re all terribly worried for her, despite the fact she’s the most successful 15-year-old in the world and, rather than praying for you to help the far more urgent state of our intelligence, we’d like to ask you to make sure that Miley continues in her battle to take over the world, at least until her inevitable horrific decline.

Amen.

Read More – Miley Thanks Fans For Support – People

Thank God for that. We can once again look at Miley Cyrus without feeling like the spirit of Josef Fritzl has entered into our souls.

Now all we need do is wait a few months until her sixteenth birthday and, abracadabra, we can gawp at her naked tweeny flesh without society judging us as perverts. God bless the American legal-system and its confused morals!

Oh, sweet Cyrus, it’s all cosy now. You’re America’s golden child and the whole country has got your back. But soon you’ll want your freedom; you’ll want to go out to clubs and meet male people who’ll want to introduce you to Mr Winky!

You’ll probably find that you’re naturally inclined to like Mr Winky too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of, Miley, but you will be ashamed – because you’re the Disney girl.

Disney girls don’t do sex, they get impregnated by swirling kisses, their babies delivered to them by stalks, and as the DUIs and the rehab visits steadily increase as you fail to deal with the forever blossoming fact that nobody lives happily ever after in this horrible world, we’ll still be here, gawping at you and gawping at you, safe in the knowledge that your resultant disintegrating, achey-breaky heart was exactly what we were after.

That’s one potential future at least.

In the new pictures, she is standing fully-clothed in between Mickey and Minnie Mouse, all three of them with post-coitus-ish smiles stretched across their face.

We are not suggesting for one moment that Mickey, Minnie and Miley had a Disneyfied three-way – why would you even think that? The style of their smile is merely a coincidence. Not that we wouldn’t wish it upon Mickey – God knows he must be bored after a centuries worth of fucking that particular squeaky dullard. We bet he dreams of Minnie taking part in an Annie Leibovitz photoshoot!

God damn it Minnie! Rip that soccer-mom dress off, open up your spindly-kegs, show Mickey the rat of the mouse and finally give him something worthwhile to write home to Pluto about.

There were rumours that Disney wanted to cease all links with Miley after she showed her back breasts to the world, but they’re pretty much ended now with this photo-shoot, along with her upcoming performance at the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando on Saturday.

Stay tuned for all the latest Miley Cyrus news, coming to you from a world called hecklerspray.

Read more – Miley Cyrus back in squeaky-clean mode after topless shoot – Telegraph