Cynthia Nixon is a lot of things to different people; third favourite character in Sex And The City, postmodern mother, pretend lover, and of late, power lesbian, but recently she’s transitioned from bona fide actress into one trick, famous homosexualist.

We were all shocked when Nixon revealed that she had hitched herself up with a woman after the collapse of her 15 year marriage to a man. And even more shocked when she debuted her brand new baby to us all.

Well set down that cup of coffee and prepare yourself for some of the most absurd news that you will hear today, unless a US congressman tries to say that 9/11 was orchestrated by Phil Mitchell to flush out Michelle and Vicky Fowler. Rumour has it that Vicky is going to be Albert Square’s version of John Connor when Mr. Papadopolous’ Launderette rises up and strikes.

But homicidal spin cycles aside, Cynthia Nixon has said something so completely mental and stupid that having a tumble dryer bearing down on us on a ravaged battlefield is what we deserve for listening to Nixon’s, frankly, trollish behaviour.

As she was showing off her new bald head to Regis and Kelly (but without Regis), Nixon thought that spouting some incredibly inflammatory remarks about what it means to be gay would be completely appropriate and not at all raising publicity for whatever god awful film she’s starring in that revolves around cancer.

Why would anyone give two hoots that she’s got a bald head? Unless she’s brandishing an umbrella and a maddening glint on her eye, no-one’s going to care are they? Anyway, between talking about whatever character she is going to ruin, she told the hosts about a recent speech she gave.

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better. And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out.”

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

This isn’t the first time that Nixon has angered the gay community by letting her ill-thought opinions out. She’s also helpfully told the New York Times:

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realise I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

It sounds like Auld Cynth gets angry about a lot of things doesn’t it? Obviously between having her cake and eating it too, Cynthia wants to get a little revolutionary as well, which is fine with us. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if the opinions are unfairly timed and eventually misjudged, but to say anything as generalising as being gay is a choice is making herself look just like the bigots who she is, hopefully, campaigning against.

It does sound like she’s got a touch of the Santorums doesn’t it?

So, in conclusion, rich, famous lesbians can sometimes say offensive things when they have a film out that they need to promote. There’s no point getting your knickers in a twist because she’s probably so filled with the scent of her own self worth that her shit probably tells her how fantastic she is as it flushes away.

Soulja Boy, a chap who has made a career out of singing like a deaf cow having a giant pineapple inserted into its anus, is in trouble with the law. Great for the street-cred, not so good with the whole avoiding a raping in the prison showers.

See, the ‘rapper’ (real name Clangy Van Heusen) got released on bail after appearing in a Georgia court on drug and weapons charges.

Soulja would like to take a moment to tell you that he is innocent, okay?

Soulja eloquently stated on twitter:

“Aye can I have a real … moment? my fans was DEEP … OUTSIDE THAT JAIL MAN IM SORRY!!! thats love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Get that? Are you crying about how beautiful that statement was?

Of course, Soulja has been in a fair amount of trouble recently, being accused of being a giganto homophobe (his Facebook was hacked, apparently) as well as making the whole of the American Army angry by dissing them in one terrible record he made.

And now he’s here, saying sorry all over again.

“I missed 10 interviews today for my new movie! To those companies i’m sorry! you can see I had a lil situation. the show must go on.”

Soulja Boy (real name Clemence Clawhammer) and four chums were arrested earlier in the week near the Alabama border. A cheeky little search of the vehicle revealed three guns, more than 5 ounces of marijuana and less than $50,000 in cash, police said.

And all because of a broken tag light. Seriously rappers. Keep your cars in the kind of condition you keep your trainers in, and you’d avoid 90% of your arrests.

Oh. And stop smoking so much weed in your cars. Serious. Either way, the rapper wants to point out how innocent he is.

“I’m innocent man. I love you all. I just want you’ll to know I’m innocent”

Or, in English, ‘I thought I was above the law, but I’ve got a friend who could do with the cash more than me, so we’re going to pin it all on him and then look after him when he gets out of jail.’

Possibly.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

No music matches rap for the gladiatorial spectacle. When guitarists try to outdo each other with fretplay, it’s always with a sickening sense of bon homie. Rap? Not a chance.

Rap wants to maim.

And that is why the rap battle is one of the most glorious spectacles on Earth! We stumbled across one such battle which may surprise you. The man doing the pwning is a Jewish chap called Soul Khan. And boy, he’s sharp as a razor!

In this video – which contains an amazing amount of swearing and tasteless put-downs, so you wimps have been warned – we get to see the Massacre of the Bay!

It’s a grudge match between Stockton California’s QP (S.O.N.S. member) who takes on Brooklyn resident and California native, Soul Khan.

And Jesus H! Poor ol’ QP, as talented as he is, gets his arse handed to him in a tall hat. You just watch. Defeated with slurs and Scrabble jokes.

WATCH.

NOW.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

The American army are all big and tough aren’t they? They won WWII single-handedly according to the movies and did a grand job in Vietnam and are currently in the Middle East, posing next to pictures of people being tortured.

Don’t mess with the American armed forces, right? They can withstand anything!

Apart from, that is, people calling them names. The old adage of ‘sticks and stones’ doesn’t apply to the US military because that’s what hurts them the most. If only Al-Qaeda knew this from the off! They could’ve battered America just by calling them all nasty names. It would’ve saved a lot of money on pilot training too. And we know this because of something that Soulja Boy has done.

That’s right. Weedy little deaf-hop star (seriously, have you heard his voice? He’s like a seal on fire) has made the US Army cry with some words.

Soulja has a new song called ‘Let’s Be Real’ and he says “Fuck the FBI and the army troops.” That’s it. No context. Just, fuck ‘em in general. Of course, the FBI are hard as nails and couldn’t give two hoots about these lyrics as they’re out in the world doing really nails things and not wasting their time listening to songs made by someone who used to have his swag on.

However, the US Army are all jumpy and have had their feelings well and truly hurt, leaving stores run by the United States Department of Defense crying into their khaki handkerchiefs and promising not to stock Soulja Boy’s upcoming album.

Not only that, some douche called Sgt Dunson has decided to record his own rap, which is full of naughty words against Soulja.

Dunson spits:

“What an ungrateful little fucker. This is my response video.”

Soulja, of course, has apologised. He adds though, pertinently:

“As a young man who grew up in the post-9/11 era, I have watched our country fight two wars that seem like they are never going to end. I have seen thousands and thousands of our brave men and women get killed in battle and often times, I think for what? A lot of people in this country are struggling to make ends meet and I think a lot about what if we had never gone to war.”

Yeah. Ungrateful little fucker.

Here’s Sgt Bumson’s response. Now can’t we all just sit down quietly and agree that both parties are deeply unlikeable now?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Do this for us. Firstly, plug up your ears with cotton wool. Okay? Done that? Now, rest a snooker ball under your tongue. Got that? Now, sing “yeeeah, got my swag on” while running down a flight of stairs.

Congratulations! You sound exactly like Soulja Boy, the kid who found fame with his voice despite sounding like someone was pulling teeth from a lively bovine.

In fairness, you don’t sound exactly like Soulja Boy because you aren’t shooting your mouth off at everyone, especially some rather fruity racial and homophobic slurs, which appeared on his Facebook page over the weekend.

It appeared that Soulja had gotten tired of people ‘hating on him’ (a strange concept. ‘Hating’ is surely done ‘at’ you, rather than ‘on’, right?) and flipped his lid.

Comments on the rapper’s Facebook page included:

“IM TIRED OF WHITE PEOPLE DOING US LIKE THIS MAN!! THEY TREAT US SO WRONG!! FUCK THEM.”

As well as the delightful

“I’m gonna keep talking shit to these white faggots until they unlike my page. fucking weirdo stalkers!”

Now, those are tough and plausible words from a scamp that has previously told Ice-T to ‘eat a dick’, as well as calmly stating to Bow Wow that he was about to ‘SHITTTT ON THIS NIGGA!! LOL!!!!!’ as well as getting caught on video with a load of toot on a table.

However, he’s not a nasty person. Oh no. How could he be?

And in a statement, he’s now saying, with spelling that belies his previous talents:

“I wanted to clear the air and let everyone know that my Facebook got hacked.”

Aaaah! It was pesky hackers!

“I had administrators on my account that no longer work with me. The hackers used these old accounts to post hateful messages. This was not done by me or anyone on my team and I’m upset that I am being labeled as a racist and homophobic person.”

Nice that, while growing as a person, he’s also learned how to use capital letters and punctuation properly (which is more than you can say about us).

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Shia LaBeouf has a daft name, that much most will agree on. It also seems he likes to call his friends daft names to prompt them into striking him in the face.

Why ‘The Beef’ would want to be hit in the face is open to speculation – maybe he saw that Tarzan scene in the new Indy flick one too many times and felt he needed to take some small steps towards making amends. Namely, through violence. Though, let’s be honest, it would need more than a simple slap to make up for that abortion of a movie moment.

Speculate all we may, the reasons why young Beefy wanted to be left red-faced will probably elude us for a fair time to come. What we don’t need to speculate about is the fact that Shia used a naughty homosexual slur to goad his chum into slapping him, as seen on a YouTube video – which was subsequently pulled from prying public eyes.

That’s right – put the kids to bed, cover granny’s eyes and ears and hope to Zeus that Mary Whitehouse isn’t around – Shia called his friend a ‘faggot’.

Has the world ended yet? No? Phew.

Young movie superstar in using slang term with friends shocker! Now, we at hecklerspray are completely against all forms of -ism and -phobia: racism, homophobia, sexism, dogma, bad sandwiches and many more. But dear crikey if this doesn’t seem like yet another case of something being blown completely out of proportion simply because of a guy’s status.

Beef Stew was filmed with his friends and it got out. The situation wasn’t one intended for the public to witness and it certainly isn’t a situation where the youthful Red Meat should feel the need to heavily censor his language. It’s just as soon as the media parasites get a hold of it, things go mental and LaBeouf is forced into making an awkward apology, through a spokesperson (natch), thusly:

“He regrets having used the word in any capacity and is very embarrassed that this footage is being seen by anyone.”

Roughly translated: ‘sorry for anything bad ever to anyone, even things I wasn’t involved in or had no prior knowledge of’. A decent, cover-all-bases apology from Shia. He knows he shouldn’t have said the bad word that will clearly bring about the end of all that is good in the world, but the mere fact that he’s been forced to make a hasty apology and that the powers that be saw the situation as one where a video should be removed shows that this is a classic media over-reaction.

Wait – what do you mean Shia is actually a master criminal? A man-child who constantly breaks the law? Won’t someone please think of the children?!

Whatever next? Bifstek calling Miley Cyrus a bad name? He wouldn’t dare.