When Britney Spears sang about being a slave, you may have thought she was being a little disrespectful to actual slaves.

For starters, slaves don’t get paid nearly as handsomely as she does and they certainly don’t get to choose who they’ll be slaves for.

However, we have a lot to thank our slaves chums for as the video over the jump testifies. Raises your glasses and shout ‘SLAVES!’ as loudly as you can.

Of course, slaves have been in the British news lately, which is always nice to hear. And you stupid idiots thought it was a thing of the past.

But really, slaves are the bestest people around because they sure know how to get things done.

So, let us all have a little singalong in honour of slavery with these nice children.

Okay?

Good.

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Uma Thurman is smokin’ hot isn’t she? Wait! No she isn’t! Yes she is! Oh, we wish her face would make our minds up! In fact, we wish Uma Thurman’s face would make it’s mind up. For now, we’re going with ‘hot’.

Anyway, let us not objectify wimminfolk too much. We like Uma for her acting ability right? Even when she’s in absolute crud, she’s still kinda great!

However, she’s at her best when she’s working with Quentin Tarantino and the rumour mill kicks off again as the actress starts dropping hints about a western.

While Uma has being doing the rounds for a flick called Ceremony, she started dropping clues about the new Tarantino movie.

“I think he has a script ready to start of a new film, a ‘Southern’, I think it’s really exciting. It’s another new story and a fresh piece of material that he is channelling at the moment. So I think Kill Bill lives down the road.”

So ‘Southern’ could mean a Raising Arizon hickflick or a Spaghetti Western, right?

It looks more likely to be the latter as Tarantino has already spoken about his new film after finishing the first draft of the script.

He said that he’d like to make a movie about:

“America’s horrible past with slavery and stuff but do them like spaghetti westerns”.

So there you have it. Deadwood muthafuckers.

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One thing that Scientologists fall back on in the face of criticism, is this statement: “Would you mock another religion like Judaism or Christianity?” In our case, we frequently do, so lets make with the sneering.

Mentalist alien botherers over at the Church of Scientology are getting investigated by the FBI over some pretty serious and heavy allegations.

Apparently, there’s people who think that The Church Of Tom Cruise engages in human trafficking and uses unpaid labour. In the latter case, people are using the much more fun accusation of ‘slavery’.

Of course, all religion is plagued by shady business. Religion is incredibly lucrative and just like any other large corporation, they get up to all manner of dodgy activities. People don’t exactly look at the Catholic church without tittering about Nazi gold do they?

Religions of all kinds also thrive on favours. There was one cult leader who preached about the perils of Earthly possessions while being driven around in a chocolate coloured Rolls Royce. His excuse? It was a gift. One ashram in the North of England is famed for helping people to ‘clear their minds’ while getting them to build extensions and dry stone walls for them in their expansive grounds.

And so, expect the same kind of mealy mouthed guff from the Scientologists as they explain why Tom Cruise had work done on his motorcycles and property by church members who were paid next to nothing for their efforts, according to a report.

The report reckons that church leader David Miscavige, or The Man Who Was Best Man At Tom Cruise’s Wedding To Katie Holmes, ordered Scientology members to customize a building, two motorcycles and an SUV Cruise owned. For what? For nothing, that’s what.

One dimwit called John Brosseau was once a Scientologist. He believed in aliens and junk, which means he probably got what was coming to him. Anyway, he’s left now and is complaining that Miscavige and Cruise met him at a secretive church enclave in the Southern California desert. While there, Mr Tom Cruise started dribbling over a motorcycle Brosseau had customized for Miscavige.

Brosseau says:

“Cruise asked me, ‘God, could you paint my bike like that?’ I looked at Miscavige, and Miscavige agreed”

Brosseau then went about laboriously taking apart two bikes Cruise bought from Steven Speilberg at the cost of thousands of dollars. He went on to say that members renovated an airplane hangar, an office Cruise uses and Tom’s Ford SUV.

Brosseau adds:

“I was getting paid $50 a week. And I’m supposed to be working for the betterment of mankind.”

That, or you were a gullible mug. Of course, lawyers for Cruise and the church deny all this.

Church of Scientology spokesperson, Tommy Davis says:

“Whatever small economic benefit Mr. Cruise may have received from the assistance of church staff pales in comparison to the benefits the church has received from Mr. Cruise’s many years of volunteer efforts for the church”

And so, the FBI probe is ongoing and presumably, they’ll be looking into all the other religions as well. Right?

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Think you know Jay-Z? Well, you don’t, so think again. Unless you already think that he is partially to blame for the enslavement of thousands of Africans in pre-1807 Britain, in which case you don’t need to think again, because you’re absolutely right, according to Brooklyn Activist Clive Campbell and Da Black Defense League.

They have filed a $5 billion dollar lawsuit against Jay-Z, along with Barclay’s Bank and Forest City Ratner, a real estate developer, because they have:

“…profited from the African Slave Trade and continue to profit from these gains, through a conspiracy dating back hundreds of years and continue to date to oppress Black people, enslave them, unlawfully deport them to all corners of the Earth."

The bastard! Stop it, Jay-Z! Stop oppressing black people! What’s the matter with you? You’re black as well, you maniac! What kind of masochistic act is this? Behave yourself; it’s bang out of order.

It’s obvious, though, when you think about it; who better than Jay-Z to face a campaign of global African-oppression? He’s spent his career singing about the disfranchisement of black people; he’s the head of Roca-a-Fella Records and Rocawear, among other Roca-industries which, combined, have created employment for thousands of African Americans. Who then would believe that this was all an elaborate sideshow to his real hustle; the herding together thousands of native Africans and forcing them to work for rich people in nineteenth century Britain? How did we fall for it?

You see, according to recent findings from studies released on the 200th anniversary of Britain’s abolition of the slave trade by The Restitution Study Group, Barclay’s Bank (then Heywood’s Bank) was involved in over 120 slave trading missions and allegedly enslaved more than 38,000 Africans, with Jay-Z and Ratner apparently connected through their ties with Barclay’s Bank in a $4 billion Atlantic Yards project taking place in Brooklyn, which plans to build a basketball arena for the New Jersey Nets (partially owned by Jay-Z), over 6,000 new apartments, offices and a hotel.

So he isn’t really directly linked, but you have to ask yourself, dear reader, is there really any difference between forcefully removing an African family from it’s home, chaining them to a floor of a boat, leaving them to potentially starve on the long journey to back to Britain, raping a few of them for a laugh on the way before selling the survivors to do menial tasks and sexual favours for toffs, and trying to build a housing project in Brooklyn?

The answer is yes. Quite a lot of difference there.

Barclays has denied the allegations. It was, after all, legal back then. And Ratner has said it has no legal merit, whilst Da Black Defense League has called for a boycott of the New Jersey Nets.

Read more:

Jay-Z Accused Of Profiting From Slavery – Guardian