You remember Boris Johnson, don’t you? He’s the blonde, mop-headed fool that bumbles his way through life from one gaffe to the next. He’s the Mayor of London too. You know, the one that had to be dragged, kicking and screaming, back from holiday during the riots. He’s a big pal of David Cameron. A lot of people vote for him because they think he’s hilarious. Are you following us here?

Good ol’ Boris knows what the important things are though. Whether it’s getting rid of those frightful bendy buses that interrupt everyone’s chauffeur-driven commute or apologising to stars who have suffered racial abuse at the hands of some lobster-skinned British git-bag that probably makes up most of ol’ Boris’ core vote.

Yes, you may remember us reporting that Kelis was racially abused at an airport when she went to go through passport control and now the singer, famous for bringing boys to the yard using milk-based beverages, has gone into more detail on twitter.

Kelis described her abuser, who referred to her as a slave, as a fat, pink-faced British guy. Boris Johnson’s investigation will likely hit a brick wall as the fat, pink-faced British man merges into the collection of other fat, pink-faced British people sloping around Spanish resorts, desperately trying to find a restaurant that will serve up a Full English and a fight.

Former Bullingdon club member Johnson took to twitter to defend the honour of the British people and reassure Kelis in the process;

“Heard about the treatment you received at a UK airport. Want you to know this is not typical. I’m appalled & I’m on the case.”

Kelis was at pains to point out that it was at a Spanish Airport subsequent to this. However, Boris has apparently shut down all major UK airports while he stumbles around with a child’s magnifying glass looking for clues.

The police are being much more proactive and are looking to speak to this fat, pink-faced British man, whose whereabouts have been unknown since the 2010 General Election. It is suggested that he may be able to assist with their enquiries. hecklerspray couldn’t possibly comment on what that means.

If you see him, don’t approach him. He’s a dick.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Singing businessman Jay-Z has finally made an honest woman of his hitherto ho-beau Beyonce Knowles.

According to People.Com, the couple held a private wedding ceremony at Jay-Z's New York apartment yesterday evening, to which only close friends and family were invited.

They didn’t even have the common decency to invite the press. How are we to trust them? What are they so afraid of us seeing? Would we have found out the service was being funded by Jay-Z’s links to nineteenth century slave trade profiteering?

We’ll never know, because they want to keep it ‘private’. Good luck to the both of you, but any fool can see the seeking of privacy these days is as futile a task as teaching a Frenchman to suck croissant.

An insider told the magazine:

"It happened earlier this evening. Jay wanted it to be a really private affair — close friends and family."

The ceremony was proceeded by a most happening crib party, attended by some fellow named DJ Cassidy – one of Mr Z’s favorites, apparently.

The wedding comes just days after Jay and Beyonce were reported to have secured themselves a marriage license in Scarsdale on April 1. Lots of people thought it was an April fool. Turns out it wasn’t.

So hurrah! And three cheers for the happy couple!

Hip-Hop Ho-way Ho!

Story by Rupert Prickhard-Pamplin

Read More – Jay-Z And Beyonce Got Married On Friday – MTV