That Axl Rose is a nice, reasonable, not completely batpiss mental fella isn’t he? No, you might think that all the business with bullying the behatted Slash was all a bit much, but really, wouldn’t you pick on a berk from Stoke who looked like that?

Course you would.

Naturally, what with Axl being absolutely misunderstood, former Guns N’ Roses members aren’t looking forward to the group’s induction at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They think kitten Axl is going to spoil it all in some way.

Steven Adler, who used to mindless thwack the drumkit in GNR is most concerned about Axl’s antics and that the cornrowed shrieker may let his grudge ruin their Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction.

Adler spoke to Rolling Stone, saying:

‘You figure that time could heal all wounds, but some people just really hold a crazy grudge’

‘The real shame about the ending of Guns N’ Roses, when I got kicked out, wasn’t just that I got kicked out, but Slash and Axl stopped working together. They are the Keith Richards and the Mick Jagger! For 20 years, because of some stupid grudge, which I guarantee you that neither of them could even tell you what it was.

‘I just had lunch with Slash. He loves Axl. He holds no grudges towards him. Twenty years of great music wasn’t created because of some stupid grudge.’

Of course, Axl wouldn’t accept that he hasn’t done a damn decent thing since he stopped playing nice with Slash (matter of fact, he didn’t really do much while WITH Slash, apart from about 4 seconds of Welcome To The Jungle), and will no doubt appear at the Hall Of Fame show to play some dross from Chinese Democracy, still under the firm belief that it’s some of the best music ever, ever created.

Adler is hoping for a reunion of the classic line-up… all together now…

FAT FUGGIN’ CHANCE!

Slash says what we’re all thinking, which is, “why the hell does Glee exist, dear God why?!” Obviously. The fuzzy, top hatted, hard rocking, guitar melting, muppet-esque, English-born rock idol has endeared himself to us, quickly becoming our favourite person called Saul.

In an interview, he was asked how he would feel about pappy, syrupy, musical teen drivel Glee butchering a Guns N’ Roses track.

Slash revealed that the show, known for being boring and irritating had already asked for permission to cover songs by the band, who were known for taking so many drugs that some of them have died multiple times. The idiots.

So Slash doesn’t want anything to do with Glee. Okay?

Well, ever the optimist, Slash doesn’t lose himself in abyssal despair when he sees the world’s young corrupted by social misfits with perfect harmony and can-do attitudes being oh-so bloody happy;

“In the current climate of what’s going on in entertainment these days, I try to be more optimistic than negative because it’s really easy to get negative about it, but I draw the line at Glee.”

In a rare moment of sagely wisdom, Slash delivers a line that should be splattered across t-shirts available at a very reasonable price that you would all buy immediately;

“Glee is worse than Grease and Grease is bad enough.”

Although he did deliver the slightly less t-shirt friendly;

“Actually, I look at Grease now and think ‘between High School Musical and Glee, Grease was a brilliant work of art.’”

So there. Slash. Opening and closing his mouth to reveal the remnants of cocaine and drunk hookers.

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Axl Rose has once again proved to the world that he’s a massive douchebag.  We’re talking an orchestral rock, 8 minutes 57 seconds, inapproriate wedding dresses, helicopter shots of churches, epic douchebag.

But you knew that didn’t you?  Look at him, he’s a 12 year old girl that’s been doing hard drugs for 30 years.  What’s he done lately? Not much, pissed off his few remaining fans by playing diva at gigs and making them wait 15 bloody years for a lacklustre album that nobody bought.

It seems poor Rose can’t take the fact that we all still love Slash.  He’s still a rock god, still making fairly good rock, still not wearing stupid blonde hair extensions and he’s still making money.  Which Rose clearly isn’t.

Rose is heading to the courts to seek $20million from Activision Blizzard, developers of Guitar Hero III.  He’s claiming that Activision Blizzard promised him they wouldn’t use Slash in the game, or reference Slash’s involvement with Velvet Revolver.

That’s £12.6million for using someone else in the game.

A guitar game.

Rose wants £12.6million because Activision Blizzard used an image of the GUITARIST who wrote and played the GUITAR part, on GUITAR, in a game called GUITAR Hero. And that’s just the start, we wants them to GIVE HIM all profits from the game.

He’s also having a bitch about the use of Sweet Child O’Mine in an online version of the game.

If the game was called Narky Little Bitch Hero, we’d understand why Rose’s opinion would matter.  We know it’s all a matter of copyright and what not, but it’s still crazy.

Rose claims the developers:

“…began spinning a web of lies and deception to conceal its true intentions to feature Slash and VR prominently in ‘GH III.’”

We have no idea waht this means, or what lies were allegedly told.  But it’s going to make the court case fun.

The bit that really baffles us is the fact that Rose takes issue with Activision Blizzard’s moves to “promote the game by emphasizing and reinforcing an association between Slash and Guns N’ Roses and the band’s song Welcome to the Jungle.”

Surely it was obvious that the game was going to mention that Slash was in Guns N’ Roses? Because he was.  We’ve seen the pictures from the 80′s and compared them to Slash today.  That top hat hasn’t aged a day.

hecklerspray is by no means a hotbed of legal cleverness, but we know this case is going to be full of Axl being an egotistical man-baby demanding obscene amounts of money and, we hope, launching into a well documented sweary rant at a judge.

That may well precipitate a contempt of court charge and a night’s stay in the company of a 400lb man named Daisy who has a soft spot for ginger bitches.

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Guns N’ Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.

Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!

The news broke last night after a message appeared on Rose’s Twitter account that read, “All upcoming Guns N’ Roses dates are officially cancelled. Please contact your place of purchase for any refunds.”

Brilliantly, Rose seems to have announced this without telling his band, which is hardly surprising given his track record. The band have put out a tweet that says they’re, “looking into,” the validity of the tweet from Rose’s account.

This tells us one of two things: either the band believe the tweet is fake or (more likely) no one involved with Guns N’ Roses is important enough to ask the megalomaniacal frontman whether or not he sent this tweet out, unless they did and he was slumped on the floor gurgling and trying not to choke on his own vomit.

There is still the chance that Rose had his Twitter account hacked. It is possible, after all, Paramore lead singer Hayley Williams claimed she had been hacked after topless pictures of her were sent out from her account.

Whether the announcement from Rose about the cancellation of the entire Guns N’ Roses Chinese Democracy World Tour is true or not, you can count on one thing. Slash is loving this.

UPDATE – Apparently Axl Rose’s Twitter account really was hacked. The tour is back on, at least until Axl changes his mind for real. We give it a fortnight.

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We have news to make you skip to work this morning! You big girls. No more Guns N’ Roses! EVER!

Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.

Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?

The singer, epileptic dancer and all-round ginger bellhead made the promise in an interview with Spinner.com, during which he got in a right tizzy about former bandmate and professional labradoodle impersonator, Slash:

“He either should not have been in Guns to begin with or should have left after Lies … and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters, the better.”

Boom! In your face (after parting your curly ladyhair)! Axl don’t just hate you but your bitchass fans, too, who must be crazy for buying your albums, like the ones when you were with… that band… some years ago… oh, shit.

Apparently, the guy from Spinner stopped the interview shortly after Axl promised he wouldn’t get back together with his former bandmates.

He rushed off to the shops to buy a backup voice recorder, a backup to the backup voice recorder, some pens and paper for a lawyer to draw up a legally binding contract, and thirty seconds of airtime during every commercial break in the world for the next fifty years just to show a looped video of Axl Rose saying “I definitely honestly promise and swear and assert and affirm that my wanky band will never no way not ever get back together ever again”.

Of course, Axl Rose is secure in the knowledge that his own career is going so well, what with the release of a less-than-mega selling album featuring a guitar player who nonces round with a bucket on his head.

So, Axl, are you sure there could there never be a reconciliation?

“There’s zero possibility of me having anything to do with Slash other than by ambush, and that wouldn’t be pretty.”

No, it certainly wouldn’t.

It would be hilarious. An ambush of Slash by Axl Rose would look a lot like an elderly stoat – one with a disastrously ill-advised hairweave – leaping onto the back of a drunk badger wearing a tophat.

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It’s a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle’s six string for almost two and a half years.

It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most.

That’s how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all – he can’t even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.

When guitarist Slash isn’t busy kicking people out of bands and then talking about it for weeks on end he likes to spend his time reducing his son’s chances of being eaten by a snake. This is understandable as a snake’s stomach acids have been known to both chafe and burn.

Preventative measures taken included the life-long bandmember tossing his own pets. The slithering collection included boas, pythons, and possibly a 60″ clay statue of what Scott Weiland would look like without any bones. We heard it was even flatter than you’d think. Contact Music says:

“Rocker Slash gave up his collection of 80 pet snakes over fears the creatures would not make for a safe home environment for his first child. The Velvet Revolver star kept mostly deadly pythons and boas at his home but he realised it could be dangerous if one of the snakes got into his son’s nursery – so he got rid of them.”

Insiders with no direct connection whatsoever tell us that getting rid of his collection was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Google Earth street-view imagery even shows what we think are tears free flowing as the guitarist watches his eighty babies slither out of the pillow case, under the hole in his fence and into Pierce Brosnan‘s gaping fruit-cellar door.

Real tears we tell you!

Without the serpents to feed, it is unknown what Slash will do with the rats we heard he’s been raising in most of his kitchen cupboards, his dishwasher and a broken salad crisper. Using unbelievably complex mathematics that we’ve been able to master without ever even going to a class it can safely be deduced his next step is to see if rat-pelts have any value. If you can answer that for him, please let the man know directly via his email: Axle_sux_donkey_ballz@Lycos.com.

Some sort of rat-fur pricing sheet would be great too.

Read More:

Slash Gave Up Snakes For The Sake Of His Son – PR Inside

We'd have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling – and not just so we could puke on everyone's food and make them ill.

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Being Heather Mills can't be that much fun, because each of her victories come strapped to a larger failure. Take her recent divorce from Paul McCartney – Heather Mills won $24.3 million in a day, more than the average worker would earn in 800 years, but the money came with a divorce ruling that basically called Heather Mills a massive twat.

Worse still, Heather Mills apparently marked the end of the divorce by pouring a jug of water over the head of Paul McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Although the ethics of making such a scene are slightly ropey, it must have been incredibly satisfying for Heather to get her own back like that. At least until everyone saw that the water had squashed down Shackleton's gigantic bouffant haircut and made her about 30% sexier in the process.

True, that still put Fiona Shackleton's sexiness percentage at about minus five, but it must have made Heather Mills feel pretty stupid.

And if today's reports are correct then it didn't stop there. As well as tipping water over Fiona Shackleton's head, Heather Mills also made a throat-slash gesture with her fingers directly at her, in the way that we thought only pikeys and fictional pirates did. The Sun reports:

Furious Heather Mills made a throat-slashing gesture at Sir Paul McCartney’s victorious divorce lawyer, The Sun can reveal. Mucca, 40, glared across court at Fiona Shackleton and drew two fingers across her throat. The dramatic moment came shortly after the divorce ruling that exposed Heather as a scheming fantasist and left her with a £24million settlement – just a fifth of what she wanted. Mucca had read Mr Justice Bennett’s damning judgment and realised that Shacka’s courtroom success had left her reputation in tatters. A source said: “Paul thought Heather had gone completely off her rocker. He was shocked because it was so completely out of order and just not the way to conduct yourself in court.”

However, let's not rush to conclusions – none of us were there so we don't know if Heather Mills really did the throat-slash at Fiona Shackleton. And if she did, who's to say that it was meant in the terrifying 'I'll find you and slash your throat' threat way. For all we know, Heather Mills could have been motioning to her throat to tell Shackleton how deep in whipped cream, cherries and translucent bondage gear she was when she made that German sex book of hers in the eighties.

If it was a genuine threat, though, then Heather Mills has been dreadfully shortsighted. Not only would it suggest that she could be held in contempt of court for her behaviour, but it's hardly likely to endear her to the next elderly out-of-touch multimillionaire that she decides to briefly get married to. Accusations of stabbing they can live with, but finger-slashing a lawyer? What ghastly form.

Read more:

Mucca's Slasher Threat To Shacka – The Sun