Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.

Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?

The singer, epileptic dancer and all-round ginger bellhead made the promise in an interview with Spinner.com, during which he got in a right tizzy about former bandmate and professional labradoodle impersonator, Slash:

“He either should not have been in Guns to begin with or should have left after Lies … and the less anyone heard of him or his supporters, the better.”

Boom! In your face (after parting your curly ladyhair)! Axl don’t just hate you but your bitchass fans, too, who must be crazy for buying your albums, like the ones when you were with… that band… some years ago… oh, shit.

Apparently, the guy from Spinner stopped the interview shortly after Axl promised he wouldn’t get back together with his former bandmates.

He rushed off to the shops to buy a backup voice recorder, a backup to the backup voice recorder, some pens and paper for a lawyer to draw up a legally binding contract, and thirty seconds of airtime during every commercial break in the world for the next fifty years just to show a looped video of Axl Rose saying “I definitely honestly promise and swear and assert and affirm that my wanky band will never no way not ever get back together ever again”.

Of course, Axl Rose is secure in the knowledge that his own career is going so well, what with the release of a less-than-mega selling album featuring a guitar player who nonces round with a bucket on his head.

So, Axl, are you sure there could there never be a reconciliation?

“There’s zero possibility of me having anything to do with Slash other than by ambush, and that wouldn’t be pretty.”

No, it certainly wouldn’t.

It would be hilarious. An ambush of Slash by Axl Rose would look a lot like an elderly stoat – one with a disastrously ill-advised hairweave – leaping onto the back of a drunk badger wearing a tophat.

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It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most.

That’s how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all – he can’t even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.

When guitarist Slash isn’t busy kicking people out of bands and then talking about it for weeks on end he likes to spend his time reducing his son’s chances of being eaten by a snake. This is understandable as a snake’s stomach acids have been known to both chafe and burn.

Preventative measures taken included the life-long bandmember tossing his own pets. The slithering collection included boas, pythons, and possibly a 60″ clay statue of what Scott Weiland would look like without any bones. We heard it was even flatter than you’d think. Contact Music says:

“Rocker Slash gave up his collection of 80 pet snakes over fears the creatures would not make for a safe home environment for his first child. The Velvet Revolver star kept mostly deadly pythons and boas at his home but he realised it could be dangerous if one of the snakes got into his son’s nursery – so he got rid of them.”

Insiders with no direct connection whatsoever tell us that getting rid of his collection was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. Google Earth street-view imagery even shows what we think are tears free flowing as the guitarist watches his eighty babies slither out of the pillow case, under the hole in his fence and into Pierce Brosnan’s gaping fruit-cellar door.

Real tears we tell you!

Without the serpents to feed, it is unknown what Slash will do with the rats we heard he’s been raising in most of his kitchen cupboards, his dishwasher and a broken salad crisper. Using unbelievably complex mathematics that we’ve been able to master without ever even going to a class it can safely be deduced his next step is to see if rat-pelts have any value. If you can answer that for him, please let the man know directly via his email: Axle_sux_donkey_ballz@Lycos.com.

Some sort of rat-fur pricing sheet would be great too.

Read More:

Slash Gave Up Snakes For The Sake Of His Son – PR Inside

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Being Heather Mills can't be that much fun, because each of her victories come strapped to a larger failure. Take her recent divorce from Paul McCartney – Heather Mills won $24.3 million in a day, more than the average worker would earn in 800 years, but the money came with a divorce ruling that basically called Heather Mills a massive twat.

Worse still, Heather Mills apparently marked the end of the divorce by pouring a jug of water over the head of Paul McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Although the ethics of making such a scene are slightly ropey, it must have been incredibly satisfying for Heather to get her own back like that. At least until everyone saw that the water had squashed down Shackleton's gigantic bouffant haircut and made her about 30% sexier in the process.

True, that still put Fiona Shackleton's sexiness percentage at about minus five, but it must have made Heather Mills feel pretty stupid.

And if today's reports are correct then it didn't stop there. As well as tipping water over Fiona Shackleton's head, Heather Mills also made a throat-slash gesture with her fingers directly at her, in the way that we thought only pikeys and fictional pirates did. The Sun reports:

Furious Heather Mills made a throat-slashing gesture at Sir Paul McCartney’s victorious divorce lawyer, The Sun can reveal. Mucca, 40, glared across court at Fiona Shackleton and drew two fingers across her throat. The dramatic moment came shortly after the divorce ruling that exposed Heather as a scheming fantasist and left her with a £24million settlement – just a fifth of what she wanted. Mucca had read Mr Justice Bennett’s damning judgment and realised that Shacka’s courtroom success had left her reputation in tatters. A source said: “Paul thought Heather had gone completely off her rocker. He was shocked because it was so completely out of order and just not the way to conduct yourself in court.”

However, let's not rush to conclusions – none of us were there so we don't know if Heather Mills really did the throat-slash at Fiona Shackleton. And if she did, who's to say that it was meant in the terrifying 'I'll find you and slash your throat' threat way. For all we know, Heather Mills could have been motioning to her throat to tell Shackleton how deep in whipped cream, cherries and translucent bondage gear she was when she made that German sex book of hers in the eighties.

If it was a genuine threat, though, then Heather Mills has been dreadfully shortsighted. Not only would it suggest that she could be held in contempt of court for her behaviour, but it's hardly likely to endear her to the next elderly out-of-touch multimillionaire that she decides to briefly get married to. Accusations of stabbing they can live with, but finger-slashing a lawyer? What ghastly form.

Read more:

Mucca's Slasher Threat To Shacka – The Sun