Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Rock music is all about big parties, big hair and big mountains of cocaine that you can slam a groupie’s head into, isn’t it? Not if you’re Axl Rose and all you want is to get your head down for a couple of hours.
Perhaps we’re being too harsh on ol’ castrato-voice himself but this is- without a doubt- the most boring news story in Rock. That’s right folks, this one’s a stinker.
Axl Rose wanted blackout blinds for his penthouse suite so he could get some kip.
Remember when Slash was in a band? Then he wimped off because he was getting picked on by a man in cycling shorts, preferring to job it as a guitar slag for hire? Well, in addition to ‘guitar solo for hire’, he’s now?Jim Carrey’s relationship advisor!
No, honestly he is.
Carrey got all?heartbroken following the breakdown of a relationship, so for seemingly no reason at all, Slash decided he was the man to cheer him up, all the while, wearing his Papa Lazaru top-hat and afro combo! Awww!
That Axl Rose is a nice, reasonable, not completely batpiss mental fella isn’t he? No, you might think that all the business with bullying the behatted Slash was all a bit much, but really, wouldn’t you pick on a berk from Stoke who looked like that?
Course you would.
Naturally, what with Axl being absolutely misunderstood, former Guns N’ Roses members aren’t looking forward to the group’s induction at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They think kitten Axl is going to spoil it all in some way.
Slash says what we’re all thinking, which is, “why the hell does Glee exist, dear God why?!” Obviously. The fuzzy, top hatted, hard rocking, guitar melting, muppet-esque, English-born rock idol has endeared himself to us, quickly becoming our favourite person called Saul.
In an interview, he was asked how he would feel about pappy, syrupy, musical teen drivel Glee butchering a Guns N’ Roses track.
Slash revealed that the show, known for being boring and irritating had already asked for permission to cover songs by the band, who were known for taking so many drugs that some of them have died multiple times. The idiots.
Axl Rose has once again proved to the world that he’s a massive douchebag.? We’re talking an orchestral rock, 8 minutes 57 seconds, inapproriate wedding dresses, helicopter shots of churches, epic douchebag.
But you knew that didn’t you?? Look at him, he’s a 12 year old girl that’s been doing hard drugs for 30 years.? What’s he done lately? Not much, pissed off his few remaining fans by playing diva at gigs and making them wait 15 bloody years for a lacklustre album that nobody bought.
It seems poor Rose can’t take the fact that we all still love Slash.? He’s still a rock god, still making fairly good rock, still not wearing stupid blonde hair extensions and he’s still making money.? Which Rose clearly isn’t.
Guns N? Roses’ bloated and abhorred frontman and only original member Axl Rose appears to have had yet another meltdown, this time announcing the cancellation of his entire world tour.
Not content with alienating himself from his bandmates, making the most expensive flop in music history, delaying any and all Guns N’ Roses output however he can as well as routinely showing up late for and randomly cancelling shows, Rose may have just decided to go all out and cancel every show he plans to play in the entire world!
We have news to make you skip to work this morning! You big girls. No more Guns N’ Roses! EVER!
Thousands of men who very wrongly believe that having long, wispy hair somehow means people don’t notice their aggressive male pattern baldness are today breathing deep, sad sighs. Which could explain that odd smell of cabbage and bad beer we noticed when we left our house this morning.
Yes, Axl Rose has declared that there is no way the original Guns N’ Roses will get back together. Where the hell was this Axl Rose 20 years ago, eh?
It’s a commonly accepted semi-fact that Slash learned to play guitar after a welding accident left him stuck to his uncle’s six string for almost two and a half years.
It was middle school, and he just wanted classmates to think he was carrying the thing around because he wanted to. After a while, not only could he play the instrument, but he could also write with it, eat with it, and use it to point his dinky in the general direction of the urinal. His uncle hated that the most.
That’s how Slash got so tough. His son, though, apparently has no means of becoming such a hardened brute. After all – he can’t even handle 80 or so snakes, so his dad had to kick them all out of the house.
We'd have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling – and not just so we could puke on everyone's food and make them ill.
No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.
Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.
