If you do, he’ll likely tell you all about how they are a sudden release of energy from deep within the earth, and how they’re caused by plate tectonics. Then, if your experience is anything like ours, the topic of plate tectonics will send him on a Pangea tangent, and he’ll tell you about how the continents are all drifting back together at incredibly slow speeds, and they’re all gonna collide one day causing brand new mountain ranges to pop up all along former coast lines. Oh, also he’ll say something about praying you’re not alive when that time comes.

He even used a laser pointer and a colour-coded slide show. A real pill, we tell ya.

One writer didn’t know earthquakes were the secret passion of Kelly Osbourne’s newest flame. We’re not sure what boyfriend’s name is, and we really can’t be bothered to check. Let’s just call him Big Gay Bruce. Anyway – one author recently said something about Big Gay Bruce not knowing how an earthquake happens.

This, apparently, led to a slap-happy assault on the author by Osbourne herself – with hands flying everywhere! Except not in the plural!

Imagine for a second what it would be like to have Kelly Osbourne’s beefy little hands touch your face. We think such an encounter would leave you smeared in potato chip grease, and we dearly hope it never happen to us. Our border-line complexion simply couldn’t take it.

Zoe Griffin, a writer for The Mirror, is probably still wiping the shiny palm print from her red swollen cheek. She was Osbourne-slapped because she’d written something or other about Kelly’s current boyfriend being confused on the creation of earthquakes. We’ll let her tell Griffin own story:

“…That’s when she spotted me, plonked herself right next to me on a sofa, so close I had to lean away. She began ear-bashing me about two lines in my column when I wrote her model boyfriend [Big Gay Bruce] had to ask friends how an earthquake was caused. It was at that point Kelly shouted loudly in my ear: “I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.

“…That’s when I felt a hard slap to my right cheekbone. I put my hand to my face while my friends looked on aghast. I was in a state of shock. Not for long, though. Soon Kelly came rampaging back over with a female friend jabbing a finger in the air, telling me that I’d have to watch my back if I shared my story with readers of this column.”

Watch her back, no doubt, because if she didn’t Ozzy would swoop down from a belfry to eat her throat – and what a drag that would be. Plus, if he got caught eating some woman’s bloody neck he’d totally go to prison – and then what would happen to all the goths whose musical taste has never advanced out of the seventies? They’d all have to go back to Jethro Tull – which would be really good for all the crap we’re trying to sell on eBay.

We’ve got six copies of ‘Thick As A Brick’ in mint condition and available at rock bottom prices. Cheaper than anything the Osbourne’s were selling anyway.

Mention this article and we’ll throw in a can opener.