Eamonn Holmes is a man famed for the legendary status of his gargantuan gob.

Not only is it capable of producing more crap than his backside on a day-to-day basis, but when it isn’t spewing verbal sewage it’s being stuffed with all manner of deep-fried goodies.

Well, let’s hope Eamonn has deep-fried his foot after he managed to, once again, get it firmly lodged between his gums during an interview on This Morning.

Holmboy was interviewing a woman who was described as a, “sex addict,” or slag as they’re oft’ known in certain parts of Essex, when he dared to ask her:

“If you need this five or six times a day, have you never thought about making a business of it? Charging for it?”

Taxi for Holmes.

It transpires that sex addicts don’t like it when you ask them why they don’t just become prostitutes, because apparently they’re people too.

Albeit people who like to blame their socially blossoming genitalia on an addiction, in the hope that people will feel sorry for them as opposed to questioning how many STIs they have or asking them if they’ve ever considered becoming a prostitute live on daytime TV.

THIS IS SERIOUS DAMMIT, STOP LAUGHING!

Oh, you weren’t?

The bonking bonkers lady in question, Crystal Warren, curtly told Uncle Eamonn that she didn’t want to go on the game because:

“Then it becomes a business, then I become maybe like a robot. This way I am enjoying it, I do it when I want to do it, I get to choose who I sleep with.”

It’s the business side of prostitution that’s definitely the worst part of it, after all, who really knows how you go about claiming condoms as a tax-deductible expense?

Seriously. HMRC wouldn’t return our calls.

The good looking version of Herman Munster, George Clooney, has used his charm to get a lot of things in his life. If you believe the rumours, his charm has worked best on throwing people off the scent that he might be gay.

We’ve no idea if he’s gay or not and don’t rightly care. That’s because he’s a massive slag either way.

How so? Well, what happened to you when you found out you didn’t get tickets for some stupid event at the London 2012 Olympics? You basically looked into your lap, dejectedly, and thought ‘that’s that then’. Clooney is a star though. He can slag it up in the media asking for a freebie.

See, George Clooney is desperate to attend this year’s London Olympics. So much so that he’s enthusing about the world’s third biggest sports event (after The FIFA World Cup and Summer Slam) coming to the English capital as he loves visiting soooooo much. London’s just wonderful, eh George! Best place on Earth eh?

Lying slag.

Alas, he’s not been able to get any tickets, leaving him begging for some from The Sun:

“I think it’s fantastic that the Olympics are coming to London. I think you should always try to take politics out of sport and the London bid did that.”

“Track and field is something that I really want to come back and see if I can get some tickets. I’m a big fan of London. There are only a handful of great cities in the world and it’s one of them.”

Only an American tourist could ever call London a ‘great city’.

He’s obviously never been on a night bus with a drunk lunatic or had to endure actual London residence, with their inflated sense of worth and B.O. brought on by scurrying around the Tube like rodents.

Everyone’s favourite spoilt slag, Paris Hilton, is refusing to meet the candidates who are competing to become her BFF (best friend forever).

Instead the candidates will first have to pass an interview with two of the casting directors of MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF’.

According to the Metro, the premise of the show is this: ‘hot bitches’ and ‘fabulously fierce guys’ – or ‘girls’ and ‘gay fellas’ as they were once known – battle it out to become Paris Hilton’s new best friend forever.

Forever!

What level of mind would consider that a worthy cause to fight for? And worse – what level of mind would watch such a show?

Oh! Of course – it would be a mind akin to that which is interested in the home-life of a flimsy-yellow-t-shirt-tearing-OAP, we suppose, and there seems to be a truly depressing amount of them. Does anyone remember when MTV had shows like Beavis and Butthead? What the fuck happened?

Perhaps Paris herself has had similar doubts about the contestant's mental states, which is why she is point-blank refusing to meet the maniacs. It all depends on whether you consider her capable of such foresight.

It’s also further proof behind her theory that her independence is growing as each day passes. Not so long ago, if she’d have wanted a new BFF, she’d have just asked daddy for one. But now, because of the frenzied attention we’ve all been giving her and the money and fame she’s managed to extract from it, she is able to get a television company to bend over backwards and find her a friend instead! Oh, what a life she has!

The other route for Paris to take on her quest to find a BFF would be the path us normal folk are most used to, that of ‘trying, over a number of years – perhaps a lifetime – to be a good, nice, friendly person to someone else’. But we don’t understand what it’s like to have such power and, until we do, our suggestions are without experience or worth.

Hecklerspray does hope that it all works out, and hopes the experience will be rich and life fulfilling for all involved.

Remember to get your minge out, contestants – she loves all that – and don't forget to leave any respect you had for your daddy at home – cos' it be time to impress Paris Hilton!

Yee-haw!

Read More – Paris won't meet new best friend – Metro 

When the world found out that Jamie Lynn Spears was up the duff, hell didn’t quite freeze over. It just appeared to be another wacky story in the long running and never ending tale of the Spears family clan.

More than anything it was a relief for Britney who could enjoy her own antics without being hassled by photographers. Hecklerspray was only vaguely aware that there was more than one Spears child, anyway, so we weren’t too bothered to find out that another Spears baby was going to be born. Jamie Lynn's sweet and innocent portrayal in Zoey 101 kind of fell flat on its arse after that. And now she’s been described a bit of a slag. Words every future mother wants to hear.

In times of need, like cleaning up vomit and trying to get used to the smell of baby poo, you need your friends around you. Right? We’d have thought so, but the friends of Jamie Lynn Spears don’t agree. They’ve instead been making us wonder how the mother of Jamie Lynne and Britney hasn’t got mum of the year award yet. After all, Jordan and Kerry Katona have won it.

Instead of teaching her to help old women across the street and carry their shopping, Lynne Spears allowed Jamie Lynn to get a reputation for sleeping around and partying. And by sleeping around, we don’t mean kipping in a different bed every night. We mean the sexual kind of sleeping. 

When we were 16, we spent our evenings sipping milk and eating biscuits. But not too many though, we didn’t want to get too much sugar and fat in to our diets. That would be crazy. But looks like we’ve been no kind of role model to Jamie Lynn Spears, though. Rather than take a leaf out of our book, she's instead been accused of drinking alcoholic beverages and having more sex than we knew about.

Of course people are now cashing in on the poor plight of Jamie Lynn Spears and all sorts of comments have been made, including: 

“The 16-year-old drinks heavily and regularly cheats on her boyfriend Casey Aldridge.” 

Ouch, that’s gotta hurt! 

“I know for a fact that Casey was not the first guy she slept with – or the last. There were at least two others. I know that 110%.” 

Probably not the best comment to save her reputation. Or this: 

“Some people drink to have a good time. But she drank to get wrecked. She drank to get messed up and forget about her mother, her sister and all of that." 

To be fair, we can see why someone would drink to forget her family’s antics. If we were related to a minge-showing, head-shaving, crazy baby-driving sister then we’d want to slide into the back too. But there is a plus of being pregnant if Jamie Lynn Spears' alleged chat-up technique is anything to go by. Pregnant? Horny? At a party? Try this one for size:

“It's cool, I'm pregnant. I can't get pregnant again.”

That’s how we look at contraception, too. Get a girl pregnant and for nine months it’ll bring down the cost of buying condoms. On the negative side, you get a child eventually. Still, they can be given away or sold to Madonna. We always thought the way of stopping a girl from getting pregnant was to dust our penises with chocolate powder before doing the deed. We hate being wrong. 

Read more:

Jamie Lynn 'has hard-partying lifestyle' – Digital Spy