You’ve had a very hard week haven’t you? That Diane in accounting asked you to do that did she? She takes you for granted so much you know. We at hecklerspray love you very much. We would never take you for granted.

What you want to do is, pour yourself a massive gin (it’s the Queen’s favourite don’t you know) and get so blitzed that you don’t know where you are until the hangover kicks in at around Monday dinner time, just in time for a Boots meal deal. That’d be a great way to spend a weekend wouldn’t it? Absolutely off your face. Imagine not knowing how you got scratches and bruises. Intense.

If that isn’t for you though, maybe you’re a bit skint, or maybe ecstasy is your one true passion? Then we have the second best thing to do this weekend, and that’s watch all these brilliant TV shows and talk to us about them. A human conversation with someone. How avant garde.

FRIDAY

The Making Of Elton John: Madman Across The Water, BBC Four, 10:00pm

When Elton John isn’t dissing Madonna, or starring in Pepsi adverts for the Super Bowl, he claims he’s got a music career. Although we haven’t seen much of that since he duped Justin Timberlake to play him in the video for ‘This Train Don’t Stop There Anymore,’ it’s impossible to claim that he hasn’t had a major part of our musical heritage. From the bizarre jumpsuits and glasses, to the less bizarre outfits but more elaborate career choices, the man from Middlesex, has lived a varied and, not all together uninteresting life.

This documentary looks at the early Elton’s childhood, his apprenticeship at DJM Records and his eventual raise to supermegastardom. Bernie Taupin (Elton’s bezzie) and Leon Russell, his American BFF, blow smoke up his ass for our pleasure.

Here is Elton singing one of the greatest songs ever recorded ever with some Muppets

Toughest Place To Be A Bin Man, BBC2, 9:00pm

We all complain about our jobs at some point; whether it be delivering stinky babies from stinky lady holes, or being a PA to a demanding, misogynistic numpty, but have you thought about what it’s like emptying your bins for a living? It’ll be grim. Imagine the stuff that he’s seen. Never mind paparazzi going through your rubbish, its the bin men that you should be wary of.

Well this new BBC series, that pits our bin men against extreme bin men (that we hope will be flipping off wheelie bins and various other parkour stunts) takes us to one of the fastest growing cities in the World. Not the cultural bacteria between Sarah Ferguson’s toes when they gain sentience, but Jakarta, in Indonesia. With a population that easy passes 30 million, imagine the huge undertaking cleaning up their Dominos boxes and used tissues.

Wilbur Ramirez, our contestant in the Rubbish Olympics, travels to the land that squalor and poverty forgot to see how Imam, one of thousands of semi-destitute bin men who keep the streets of Jakarta that little bit less disgusting.

Don’t watch with your tea.

SATURDAY

Harry Hill’s TV Burp, ITV1, Whenever it’s on

We could blather on about how this series is the final series of one of the greatest primetime comedies for decades, or how Saturday night will probably never be the same once Dom Joly takes over and makes what is essentially Beadle’s About, or even how we will never marry make a honest woman of the Knitted Character, but instead of wasting your time, we’ll just leave you with this.

Look at Will. I. Am’s stupid glasses. This isn’t Tron sillyhead.

Take Me Out, ITV1, 7:45pm

Let the girl with the daddy issues see the abusive womaniser! This week sees three more struggling actors put aside any self worth and throw themselves at the mercy of 30 single women.

Trying to sum up with Take Me Out is so jaw achingly bad its like trying to keep up with a perpetual motion machine. Just as you react to one ball-bustingly bad bit the next one is veering towards you like Halle Berry speeding away from a traffic accident. It’s impossible to fully comprehend how disgusting Take Me Out will make you feel, but, if on the off chance you haven’t had enough and want to hate yourself a little bit more, then Mark Wright and some dafty present the deformed conjoined twin show. Do not say we didn’t warn you. If we could put a TV show in biohazard containment, it would be this.

SUNDAY

True Blood, FX, 10:00pm

The new series of True Blood is finally upon us, forcing it’s way on top of us like we’d imagine Dracula would do after watching Michael Roux Jr. cooking a steak barely rare (his accent is so sexy). Picking up a year after the end of Series Three concluded, and examining how Russell Edgington’s rampage has affected the already tense relationship between the mortals and vampires in Bon Temps.

Truth be told, we’re not sure that anyone watches True Blood for the story, and instead they use the 70 minutes to perv over Alexander Skarsgard, Sam Trammell and Ryan Kwanten. Which is bound to be plentiful, so get practicing those finger kegel exercises ladies, you’ve only got until Sunday.

Queens of British Pop, BBC2, 7:00pm

Who here likes pop music? Pop music could be one of the most important mediums in a modern culture, after all, imagine how boring Twitter would be if we didn’t have Jessie J or Lana Del Ray to vent our anonymous spleens about? Heck, the hecklerspray bedsit would be a more dilapidated hovel than it already is. And we already cook our beans over the exposed innards of our stolen TV.

Well gay men, feminists and musos rejoice! There’s a new show focusing, not on the sometimes antiquated and definitely over-worked subject of the influence men have had on pop music (even last week there was a whole night dedicated to Paul McCartney, with not a peep about Mari Wilson), but on women, and what women have done to the modern face of music. Exciting news, right?

The first show focuses solely on the 60s and 70s, with the archetypal female singers that every act over the past two decades has tried to emulate. Dusty Springfield, Sandie Shaw (see last week’s WATCH THIS! for our sole piece of Sandie Shaw trivia), Suzi Quatro and Kate Bush take centre stage with human leatherette three piece, Tom Jones, the only man to make drain pipes sexy, Jarvis Cocker and Henry “Eyyyyy!” Winkler jabber like drunken monkeys about what filth Marianne Faithfull got up to.

Join us here again next week, as we’ll still be probably singing ‘Wuthering Heights’ and backcombing what hair we have left, and will need someone to put us to bed and pop a bucket next to us. Just in case.

TSCHUS!

Hey! Adults! Like watching children’s programmes filled with hideous, soul-sapping, nine million part harmonies, systematically destroying all those pop songs you love? Then, chances are, you like watching Glee and consider yourself to be a member of the corporate-designed clan of The Gleek.

Well, for people like us who like laughing at people like you, we’ve got some wonderful news! Glee is no longer going to be on your television.

That’s right, Glee won’t be shown on E4 after parent company Channel 4 decided to walk away from negotiations for the forthcoming series, leaving the show to Do A Richard & Judy. That basically means that it’ll slope off toward the blank chequebook of Sky, watched on television by a scant handful of people, leaving those who can really be bothered to stream it illegally online. Essentially, the show is about to die, which is brilliant news.

Sky have apparently offered more than double the amount Channel 4 coughed-up for the first two seasons, which means that, if you don’t want/can’t afford a Sky subscription, you can kiss Glee’s candy-arse goodbye and mourn the days when you’d sit before your television, agog, while pneumatic Americans destroyed entire back-catalogues of music in one felled swoop.

But Jane Lynch is pretty cool.

Of course, Channel 4 are trying to put a positive spin on it all, noting that Glee’s greed is the broadcaster’s gain. By not renewing the show, it will free up “huge amounts”, leaving them to focus on “home-grown programming, British talent and… continuing to discover and showcase what the US has to offer”.

So basically, that means throwing money at spectacularly unfunny humans like Kevin Bishop then.

Oh, let us not forget that Channel 4 has also secured the rights to the US version of Danish crime drama The Killing, which naturally, is the same target audience as the slack-jawed dimwits who like watching young men and women wearing vest-tops while being in the world’s uncoolest choir.

Gleeks – it might be time to consider getting a life.

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“Knees up Mother Brown! Pass the dog and bone whilst I pop up the old apple and pears!” This is how a typical person from London talks and we have no clearer example of this than Grade A bell-end and all round East End geezah, Danny Dyer.

As a proper Cockerney hardnut, Danny is the American equivalent of Steven Seagal who somehow gets away with making terrible films again and again.

We all know him from top quality cinema flicks such as erm… and urm… where he points his finger at some muppets, swears repeatedly and dishes out the pain. Recently, Danny Dyer was most known for his horrific ghost written colums where he advocated violence to women. Apart from that, we thought he disappeared in to the hole he came from and died peacefully.

Now we don’t know if he has another film coming out, nor do we care but he’s had the brainpower to jumble some words together and slag off Vinnie Jones, footballer gone movie star.

Football fans will know all about Vinnie Jones. As a member of Wimbledon’s ‘Crazy Gang’ before they went bankrupt and turned in to a comedy outfit, he played with some of the greatest players of the game. Strangely, the thing he is remembered for is when his hand took control of Paul Gascoigne’s ballsack and crunched them to dust.

We doubt Gazza offered him a tin of lager, a dressing gown, a chicken and a fishing rod afterwards. We doubt he can remember the event at all presently.

Anyway, when footballers finish playing the beautiful game, they either go in to management, coaching or talking shite on highlight shows like Jamie Redknapp. On the other hand, Vinnie Jones, turned his hand to movies and made a couple of decent flicks when it came to films such as Lock Stock and Snatch. Perhaps Danny Dyer is jealous he wasn’t asked or has come to realise he wouldn’t take as good a role as Vinnie Jones.

Through his cockney babblings, we were able to get a translator in and see what Danny Dyer was going on about. It turns out he was bitching about Mean Machine, a film they both worked on in 2001. That’s right, a film which is bloody nine years old and as culturally important as 56k internet dial up.

Dyer said Vinnie Jones, his fellow co-star:

“His lack of acting nous really showed on that film. There’s a real poignant moment where he explains to these other prisoners how he’s facked up his life. You read the script and he’s meant to cry. When he came to do it, I wanted to put my head in my pocket. It was abysmal. He looked more like he was going to take a shit.

“The one thing I loved about doing the film was seeing the fear in his eyes whenever we had a scene together. He just could not keep up with the pace. I could see him struggling. He’d be waiting for his cue thinking, ‘Oh, now I speak’ and I’d fack about, wait a little bit, do something a bit odd, a bit left field, chuck that in the fackin’ mix.”

Clearly Danny Dyer might have been suffering with a spot of potty mouth and needs his mouth washing out with soap, or a general beating, in order to get him to shut his pie hole. We’re sure Vinnie Jones could easily live on the cash he made as a footballer and is riding out the movie lifestyle until someone realises he ain’t no Johnny Depp.

Saying that, we’d happily pay £5 to see Vinnie Jones fight Danny Dyer on a football pitch, it would be great value for money as we’d be in and out the stadium in five minutes as Danny’s ballbag is crushed like a grape that’s been stepped on by a particularly large elephant.

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When will programme makers learn? You take something to satellite TV and you pretty much guarantee that the vast majority of people move on and find something else to love. Look at Richard and Judy’s career. Only 3 people watched The Wire away from the box-set versions, and they were mental fanboys who never stopped talking about it.

And so, the same will happen with Mad Men. Yes indeed, it’s bad news for you fans of the show as you will have to pay to watch the series from next year, with BSkyB having offered a significantly larger sum than the BBC currently forks out.

We’re afraid you’ll have to stare at Christina Hendrick’s clothes/tits online from now on.

Don Draper & Co are, as if you didn’t know, currently being shown on BBC Four, which is free-to-air. However, Sky have stumped up a bid worth at least 25% more than the BBC paid for the last deal, according to The Guardian.

One source has claimed Sky are willing to pay four times the amount and willing to stick with the show as long as it’s being made.

A source said:

“Sky has made a huge bid and the BBC does not want to enter a bidding war so it looks as though Sky will get Mad Men.”

Thanks to everyone moaning about how much the BBC spends on shows, it’s likely that they won’t even consider trying to match the endless pocket of Sky. So if you read The Daily Mail AND like Mad Men, it’s completely your fault. Meanwhile, the clever kids are all laughing into their Pot Noodles, already planning to illegally torrent the whole thing.

A BBC spokesman said:

“We’re in negotiations for the continuing broadcast of Mad Men but nothing has been confirmed.”

A Sky spokesman said:

“Sky will always endeavour to bring the best content to our customers, but we do not comment on shows that we don’t hold the rights to.”

Imagine that though. Sky do land the show, leaving viewers gamely trying to get lost in the ’60s world and cigarette clouds, only to be yoinked out of a suspension of disbelief with a ear-heavingly loud commercial for Go Compare.

And so, as Mad Men prepares to wave goodbye to, well, pretty much anyone watching it in this country, we can all look forward to a gigantic outpouring of grief from Twitter users.

Start trolling them now.

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Danny Dyer is brilliant. And by brilliant, we mean astonishing. And by astonishing, we mean crashingly woeful. It’s amazing really. Once he was just a rubbish wide-boy actor and then, mystifyingly, people started to hire him ‘As Himself’.

As such, we were greeted to a series of documentary shows that showed Dyer to be the vapid ‘ave a word wiv yoursewff tagnut that he is. More mind melting was his advice to cut a woman’s face in his dribblings in some dismal lad’s rag.

Sadly, it doesn’t end there as Sky have announced that they’ll be making a show that, quite possibly, defies all expectations of Dyer. Basically, it could be TV so bad that even the most cynical miserablist couldn’t even dream it up. Ladies and gentlemen, Sky 1 will be sending Danny Dyer to the Middle East in a show called ‘A Geezer In Gaza’.

Have you composed yourself yet. Yes, you’re absolutely correct in thinking that you’ve just read about Danny Dyer being sent to the Gaza Strip.

The show is made by the same tits who brought us ‘Ross Kemp on Gangs’. Hilariously, the people concerned have left Tiger Aspect who you may have seen at the end of various shows and started up their own company called Propa Productions.

They just left out the ‘nawty’.

Apparently, this show will see our boob-brained barrow bell-end “thrown into the middle of the conflict” to see if he can explain “the problems on both sides” as well as explaining to viewers “just what is going on in this dangerous and complex part of the world.”

It’s fair to assume that explanations will revolve around razor sharp insight like:

“Fackin’ ell. These boys are propa tooled up. They ain’t ‘avin a giraffe ‘ere. Fack me. If the terrorist boys fack abaht wiv this lot, fack me, it’s gonna be on top!”

Marcus Holmes, Head of Programming at Propa Productions, says this of the project;

“I believe that Propa Productions has developed a unique programme and by choosing to work with the robust approach of Danny Dyer, we can really help to give the viewer a sense of the scale of the issues that the region is currently experiencing. Danny Dyer is extremely popular in the UK and because of this we immediately leapt at the chance to get him on board.”

Dyer, actor and conveyor belt for stupid, said:

“Due to my work being very popular in this region I hope that with my profile I can help to bring the two sides together and end this mess once and for all. I’m not saying I’m the answer but, if I have to, I’ll bang a few heads together to get things done!”

Pardon. Bang a few heads together? Have we entered some bizarre dream state? Is that a shower of locusts we see bouncing outside our window?

Sky1 HD controller Stuart Murphy said:

“We’ve always tried to push the limits with our documentaries and as we have seen in the past, celebrities can offer the viewer an intelligent and thought provoking angle that the news reports don’t always get across. We hope the everyman touch that Danny can bring will help to see the conflict in a new light.”

Hecklerspray says:

“Clearly this is all one massive, massive lie. We could probably find out easily enough but we’d rather spend our time calling Danny Dyer names in print.”

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Men, the day we have been dreading for weeks has finally come and gone, Sky Sports News is no longer available on Freeview in the UK. That’s right, no more up to date analysis, no more SoccerSaturday and, of course, no more Georgie Thompson.

I know it hurts but we have to face facts, no longer shall she be there when we wake up in the morning, to tell us the latest scores and transfer rumours, no longer will she distract us from the fact that there’s a bloke from Blue Peter attempting, badly, to present news that isn’t about some sort of bring and buy sale.

It is indeed a sad day for us all. Rupert Murdoch is now using our beloved Georgie to get us to sign up to his extortionate Sky TV subscription service. All we have left is the vain hope that someone vaguely attractive turns up on Loose Women to ease our heartbreak.

But surely what was most memorable about Sky Sports News was the in depth coverage of every major sport around the world I hear you cry. Well, let’s be honest, it isn’t. Ever since the launch of Sky’s betting service Skybet (not to be confused with megalomaniacal artificial intelligence system Skynet) Sky Sports News has been accused of manipulating stories for personal gain. Plus Sky Sports News is part of Newscorp, a company that seems to think that Aryan, loud-mouthed loony tune Glenn Beck is an appropriate host for a show on one of the biggest news networks in the World.

But we could forgive all that, because they gave us Georgie. With her long blonde hair, sultry voice, piercing eyes and, most importantly, love of football. Even her own colleagues can’t keep their eyes off her, as Sky’s flagship Breakfast show Soccer AM pointed out.

Let’s just hope she makes a big money move to Match of The Day before the end of the transfer Window, or this season could see us being relegated to watching supposed funny man James Kimberley (yes, his middle name is actually Kimberley) Corden’s God awful panel show, A League Of Their Own, to get our Georgie Fix.

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Hecklerspray has a quick test for you. Try saying the words ‘seal cull hunt’ three times very quickly without using the c-word.

It’s not easy is it? Well, it certainly wasn’t for one poor newsreader on Sky last weekend, who dropped a major clanger by mentioning the c-word live on air during a story about Canada’s annual seal cull. When describing the clubbing to death of seals, he accidentally lets it slip – quite forcibly – what he really thinks about people who cull seals.

Or maybe he just doesn’t like Canadians…or maybe it’s the seals he thinks are cunts.

Anyway, it somehow managed to make a very serious topic into a funny one. Well, they do say Sky are dumbing down the news.

Good spot by The Daily Goss