You’ve had a very hard week haven’t you? That Diane in accounting asked you to do that did she? She takes you for granted so much you know. We at hecklerspray love you very much. We would never take you for granted.
What you want to do is, pour yourself a massive gin (it’s the Queen’s favourite don’t you know) and get so blitzed that you don’t know where you are until the hangover kicks in at around Monday dinner time, just in time for a Boots meal deal. That’d be a great way to spend a weekend wouldn’t it? Absolutely off your face. Imagine not knowing how you got scratches and bruises. Intense.
If that isn’t for you though, maybe you’re a bit skint, or maybe ecstasy is your one true passion? Then we have the second best thing to do this weekend, and that’s watch all these brilliant TV shows and talk to us about them. A human conversation with someone. How avant garde.
Hey! Adults! Like watching children’s programmes filled with hideous, soul-sapping, nine million part harmonies, systematically destroying all those pop songs you love? Then, chances are, you like watching Glee and consider yourself to be a member of the corporate-designed clan of The Gleek.
Well, for people like us who like laughing at people like you, we’ve got some wonderful news! Glee is no longer going to be on your television.
That’s right, Glee won’t be shown on E4 after parent company Channel 4 decided to walk away from negotiations for the forthcoming series, leaving the show to Do A Richard & Judy. That basically means that it’ll slope off toward the blank chequebook of Sky, watched on television by a scant handful of people, leaving those who can really be bothered to stream it illegally online. Essentially, the show is about to die, which is brilliant news.
“Knees up Mother Brown! Pass the dog and bone whilst I pop up the old apple and pears!” This is how a typical person from London talks and we have no clearer example of this than Grade A bell-end and all round East End geezah, Danny Dyer.
As a proper Cockerney hardnut, Danny is the American equivalent of Steven Seagal who somehow gets away with making terrible films again and again.
We all know him from top quality cinema flicks such as erm… and urm… where he points his finger at some muppets, swears repeatedly and dishes out the pain. Recently, Danny Dyer was most known for his horrific ghost written colums where he advocated violence to women. Apart from that, we thought he disappeared in to the hole he came from and died peacefully. Read More >>>
When will programme makers learn? You take something to satellite TV and you pretty much guarantee that the vast majority of people move on and find something else to love. Look at Richard and Judy’s career. Only 3 people watched The Wire away from the box-set versions, and they were mental fanboys who never stopped talking about it.
And so, the same will happen with Mad Men. Yes indeed, it’s bad news for you fans of the show as you will have to pay to watch the series from next year, with BSkyB having offered a significantly larger sum than the BBC currently forks out.
We’re afraid you’ll have to stare at Christina Hendrick’s clothes/tits online from now on. Read More >>>
Danny Dyer is brilliant. And by brilliant, we mean astonishing. And by astonishing, we mean crashingly woeful. It’s amazing really. Once he was just a rubbish wide-boy actor and then, mystifyingly, people started to hire him ‘As Himself’.
As such, we were greeted to a series of documentary shows that showed Dyer to be the vapid ‘ave a word wiv yoursewff tagnut that he is. More mind melting was his advice to cut a woman’s face in his dribblings in some dismal lad’s rag.
Sadly, it doesn’t end there as Sky have announced that they’ll be making a show that, quite possibly, defies all expectations of Dyer. Basically, it could be TV so bad that even the most cynical miserablist couldn’t even dream it up. Ladies and gentlemen, Sky 1 will be sending Danny Dyer to the Middle East in a show called ‘A Geezer In Gaza’.
Men, the day we have been dreading for weeks has finally come and gone, Sky Sports News is no longer available on Freeview in the UK. That’s right, no more up to date analysis, no more SoccerSaturday and, of course, no more Georgie Thompson.
I know it hurts but we have to face facts, no longer shall she be there when we wake up in the morning, to tell us the latest scores and transfer rumours, no longer will she distract us from the fact that there’s a bloke from Blue Peter attempting, badly, to present news that isn’t about some sort of bring and buy sale.
It is indeed a sad day for us all. Rupert Murdoch is now using our beloved Georgie to get us to sign up to his extortionate Sky TV subscription service. All we have left is the vain hope that someone vaguely attractive turns up on Loose Women to ease our heartbreak.
Hecklerspray has a quick test for you. Try saying the words ‘seal cull hunt’ three times very quickly without using the c-word.
It’s not easy is it? Well, it certainly wasn’t for one poor newsreader on Sky last weekend, who dropped a major clanger by mentioning the c-word live on air during a story about Canada’s annual seal cull. When describing the clubbing to death of seals, he accidentally lets it slip – quite forcibly – what he really thinks about people who cull seals.
Or maybe he just doesn’t like Canadians…or maybe it’s the seals he thinks are cunts.
Anyway, it somehow managed to make a very serious topic into a funny one. Well, they do say Sky are dumbing down the news.
You’ve had a very hard week haven’t you? That Diane in accounting asked you to do that did she? She takes you for granted so much you know. We at hecklerspray love you very much. We would never take you for granted.
