Winona Ryder once said: “Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit now has a body count,” clearly she was watching Skins where, in the opening three episodes of the season, two people have been brutally butchered from the cast list. We haven’t seen one funeral.

In fact the closest we come to Richard Curtis territory is a seaside elegy and mere reference to a wedding. Obviously this is too inherently British for the residents of Bristol who are more content to wallow.

It’s all getting totes emosh up in here which is no doubt why the writers this week introduced us all to a new plucky character to reconfigure the group dynamic. He’s gay too, so that not-graphic-enough-sex-scene ticks another demographic box for the youth enveloping programme.

New Gay and dice man about town Alex got the spotlight this evening along with fag-hag Liv who’s back on the booze and off the rails, on fine form as all of her associates decide that communication is overrated. Instead, they opt for a series of scowls, smiles, and generally fraught looks.

Alex, despite the weird face and normal name, was actually a rather good character to introduce at such a late stage. They brought him in shrouded in a smug cloud of smuggish mystery, like an amateur Derren Brown looking for work in a bowling alley, but he turned out to be a well-rounded young man who actually introduced the concept of ‘see you at college’ to the group.

Obviously nobody saw anyone at college because this programme is teaching us all that you don’t need to learn things – you just need to know how to cheat at poker. We can recommend the DVD special features on the film 21 if you’re looking for a quick guide to card counting. Or just watch The Real Hustle if you can bear it.

Anyway, it was a strangely melancholy episode for Skins. With half of the cast dead or mysteriously absent, it only left a few faces to glumly teach us the art of the awkward silence and boy did they stay stony faced in solidarity. You know when your friend dies and you just knock back a few shots and don’t move on? That is exactly what happened for an hour last night on E4 – at least we had it in HD is all we’re saying. Of course it wouldn’t be Skins if there wasn’t time for a few parties, a quick flash of the tits and some reciting of Nietzsche.

Dead Grace would have loved the send-off, but she might have wondered where her boyfriend was. Rich, hi if you’re reading this –  please do come back and tell us you’re not in a mental institution for hallucinating all those moments with the one you loved after she had been dead at least 24 hours, cheers.

Frankly nothing really happened this week and it is easily the best episode of the series so far, which is a bit backwards. This is possibly because this mundanity is what being a teenager is actually like. It’s not smuggling drugs in the desert and the like. It’s sitting around, not knowing what to say.

It won’t last though. TV won’t allow a character to languish. It’ll be bags of ket in no time, with yawning predictability.

It’s a brand new week, scum buckets, and to start the downward decline is a brand spanking new episode of Skins and boy oh boy is it miserable this time around! Are you lucky?

First, let’s get real for a moment folks. This is the second episode, so they have to bring out the big guns now that everyone’s back in boring old Bristol and not some country that bristles with sexual heat, so of course, the writers needed to make an episode that tackles the burning issues—as long as something is hotter than fire we’re all happy right?

Of course there were parties and of course there was sex there was even some minimal drug use, but who isn’t rocking a casual line of coke these days. Where was the hard liquor though? We all remember the days when a bottle of vodka lasted for one quick swig, but now it seems everything’s a little too melancholy for anything stronger than a can of lager. It’s so down in the dumps this week that Phil Collins made the soundtrack when not even rain was in the air. These writers need to get their shit together and go on a rollercoaster or something.

This week it was Rich’s turn for the spotlight as he went bat-shit mental dreaming about his dead girlfriend—if you haven’t watched it yet then that right there is what we in the biz like to call a spoiler. Yeah Grace is dead now, they went to Switzerland and everything because it’s okay to euthanise (MURDER) people there. We told you there were issues. Though we’re not really sure how it tackles them in any way whatsoever, it sort of just waved at it from a passing car and said; “hey this is still a thing right? Guys?” it is indeed still a thing. Can you imagine a world where Skins solves the whole euthanasia argument because that makes us want to lethal inject our perfectly healthy bodies to death.

More in-keeping with you heathens and what proved so popular over the past five years, the show throws a party and really cleverly, they invite all their Facebook ‘friends’ to come and have an averagely good time while enjoying some mindless anarchy because, “that’s what the kids are into now right?”

Let’s all say this together…R I O T S.

See we told you there were issues, plural. Nobody can deny that’s an issue, that’s the sort of issue Skins can realistically grapple with and grapple it does. Except these upper class pritt sticks decide it’s all just a bit of harmless fun and wear their headache inducing clothes to a massive mansion to indulge in the meagre activities of the plebians. They’re all scum buckets who can’t even cry on cue so they just eat biscuits instead. If anybody offers you a biscuit when you’re sad that your friend is in a coma, you have our authority to crumble that bourbon up and put it in their hair. They probably love their precious hair. Dicks.

Then set fire to their faces and send them to Switzerland.

So it’s all a little sad this week, you might have even cried if you’re a pansy, but what we all really learnt is that you should never treat your phone like Rich does because it totally ruins the illusion of speaking to your dead girlfriend. Maybe the real issue the writers were tackling this week was insanity; there are just too many bloody layers for us all to wrap our heads around. These people are geniuses in the guise of tossers that’s what we think and you should too if you know what’s good for you.

Before we even start talking about the first episode of the new season of Skins can we just discuss the opening titles for a second? As per usual they are the best thing about the show, but they’re also artistic to the point of idiocy.

Why anybody would put an opening sequence so shiny and clearly full of effort onto this absolute shambles of youth television is beyond us. They make you think you might be watching something with vague pretensions of quality instead of a braying collection of ingrate arseholes.

Apparently the writers thought that ‘Racism’ might be a good theme to adopt this year and so the girls colour code each other and add the suffix ‘bitch’ to the end of all terms of endearment, for example: “Hey black bitch, hey white bitch.” It’s like a novelty smack-talking chess set. They all seem to be much more fulfilled in themselves though so it’s clearly worth trying in your own life. Skins after all does come across as a manual for good, clean, wholesome living.

We’re now old and haggard and not the intended audience, though it does seem that they don’t really have an intended audience anymore, so the childrens’ partydar is lost on us. If you’re on holiday with your mates in a private villa with a lot of drugs then it’s just not necessary to find and involve other even more meagre samples of the human race, they’re just going to throw a spanner in the works.

Right on cue, after the whole Alo finally shagging Mini thing that we’ve been waiting all of ten minutes for, mechanical items are being lodged in all places and the horrible snivelling whiter-than-white boy, Luke, decides to consensually kidnap the no longer androgynous or interesting Franky. As Mini so aptly puts it: “I liked her better when she may or may not have been a lesbian,” yes we just quoted Skins, get the fuck over it, it’s a beacon of knowledge and hope for tens of people. Later there’s a menial car crash which incapacitates Grace so that hopefully we won’t have to hear her ridiculous excuse of a voice for the rest of the season other than in her cocking composition which will undoubtedly rear its head every time Rich is on screen lamenting the hopelessness of it all. Are you still with us?

Basically what’s happened is things have got deep and everybody has lost their entire not very interesting to begin with personality traits and exchanged them for a styling session at American Apparel. There are more colour clashes here than character based ones and believe us when we tell you we have a headache now. Not even Chris Addison could be arsed to turn up for work so instead he sent a letter and they got Josie Long to say an extra line while still in the ‘guise’ of a dimwit, oh yeah Dobby from Peep Show is now in it because for some reason the older Brits are desperately clinging on to a hedonistic time gone by.

The issue with this third generation is that they are absolute wankers and they all know it.

At least last season Franky and her ‘mind fuck’ Matty were brooding and heavily emoting their teenage sexual aggression, now they’re just arguing about Morrissey and Simone De ‘cultural reference’ Beauvoir. Quite frankly we think they should all just grow up and tell that Ryder dick to piss off because while he’s barely ever on screen his musk lingers like putrefaction and he makes us want to punch ourselves in the face just thinking about his bare chest.

If there’s one of these remorseless pricks that we do love to hate though, it’s Kyle; the young twat responsible for making sure the soundtrack to each episode is, like, totally hyper relevant and boomin’. Of course he doesn’t disappoint as the episode opens with an NME approved act Azealia Banks—bit sweary if you ask us—and then blasts through more Segal than you can shake a stick at with some Scott Matthews for those moments of melancholy, reflection, depression, death, and the moping. Maybe next week they can just stick the Scott Matthews record on and cut between some sombre close-ups, it sounds way more avant garde which is obviously the whole point of this exercise anyway.

There you have it, sub-species- our critical analysis of the first episode of the ‘oh god when will it end’ new season of Skins. It sure looks like it’s going to be full of the hateful mediocrity that made all the other years such as delight. If getting a life was on your cards this year then now’s a great time to consider putting that plan into action. Us, we wouldn’t dare so we’ll be right here all over again next week continuing to win the record for slowest suicide ever.

If you’re under the age of 22 then you will be familiar with the Daily Mail’s nemesis; common sense. Whoops! That should read Skins. If you’re living like the characters in the show, then you’re probably dead and we offer our sincerest sympathies; we died around the same time as Tony who was paralysed by youthful happiness and, you know, a bus.

If you’re lucky enough to be a child now, then we can blame you for the continued success of what is shaping up to be a life affirming/sucking programme.

Either way you will all be suitably disappointed to find out that a new series is going to be cuming (see what we did there?) to E4 on Monday. There are mere days to prepare yourself. Here in the ‘spray bedsit we like to think of Skins as a disease and as you know, with diseases, you must inoculate yourself with small doses to become immune. Based on that logic and no small amount of self-loathing we subjected, or watched, the two ‘webisodes’ on that thing some of you are calling The Internet. It’s a sharp learning curve for us all.

We’re still on the third cast of complete and utter hopeless specimens and this time they will be entering their second year of a 6^th form run by snivelling political comedy insurance vendor Chris Addison, but not before a little and undoubtedly highly believable dramatic holiday to somewhere sunny. There will be beer  five litres of vodka, there will be drugs, there will be sex, and there will be nothing resembling an average teenage experience. Leading up to this spectacle is where the web episodes come in and steal 20 minutes of your life which could have been used better by staring at a brown wall and contemplating the relevance of the colour brown.

For the sake of everyone, we’re merging these two together in no particular order, all you need to know is that it starts with wanking and ends with two boys, one of whom has gained A LOT of weight, in a bathroom debating who gets to shove the drugs up their arse.

You did NEED to know that didn’t you?

In between a ginger boy fails to have sex with one of those easy goth girls and reaffirms two stereotypes that are going to cause millions of children to be bullied by the bastardised youths watching this drivel and a man who we reckon is probably a heavyweight in the realm of British acting, smokes a lot of weed and talks about his ‘iron lungs’ before being mugged and only slightly sexually assaulted. IF IT WASN’T FOR THOSE PESKY KIDS, EH?

Christ it’s an awful show these days, remember when Nicholas Holt was in it? Wasn’t that vaguely all right? Not even the world’s worst named child Dakota Blue Richards can make it better; though she often tries with her stony glances and androgyny.

Anyway if you can’t be dicked or have some sort of sense about you then you probably shouldn’t watch this. Always the antagonists we will be shunning the popular consensus and tuning in every single week to numb the mind before providing you lucky kiddies with our pearls of wisdom on whatever grandiose shit went down the following day.

So try not to kill yourself and come back here or else we’ll throw a massive, obviously, Skins Party—a popular term meaning house full of dicks—and you won’t be invited and you’ll feel really bad when you see all the photos on Facebook.

Skins is a weird TV concept that, in theory, shouldn’t actually work. Firstly, the show’s creators take huge risks every two series by ditching the cast who have just established themselves to viewers in terms of their character traits and personalities. Every new cast will bear similar resemblances to the last, but viewers now have to find someone else that they “connect with.”

Secondly, the plotlines in Skins may have started off being groundbreaking, but will they be rebranded as slightly dull and repetitive?

Not for a second do we believe that the new cast will warp into angelic students who care for the homeless after completing coursework. The drunken partying and drug taking will always remain alongside the emphasised fantasy element that all the characters indulge in this 24/7. Following the teaser trailers we’ve seen, this series looks like it might take a step back from previous intense episodes.

As series 4 showed, the writers of Skins wanted to take the show somewhere darker and do more than just have episodes of two blokes fighting over a girl, friendships disintegrating and people finding the strength to be their own person.

Effy battled against mental health issues and got roped in to a sinister side plot with the doctor responsible looking after her, ultimately leading to the shows romeo Freddie having his face smashed to bits with a baseball bat. Unlike a lot of American teen dramas, the series wasn’t wrapped up neatly with happy endings. The shows finale ended with Cook, also fighting for Effy’s affection, confronting the doctor for turning his friend into a bloody pulp before lunging at him.

For Skins series 5, another cast has been formed and, based on the trailers, this series looks like it will confront issues of acceptance and friendship. Though nothing is ever straight forward, so no doubt someone will go on some sort of make believe bender after snorting lines of cocaine that is actually sherbet. Because we have a talent of judging a book by its cover, we’ve dissected all the characters for you:

Franky – Because she doesn’t appear to shop in so-called “chic” shops like H&M, Topshop or American Apparel, she’ll no doubt be the victim of the baying gang of girls. From the outset people will look to befriend her, though we assume it’ll all go tits up with mass bitching sessions and probable suicide attempts. Or killing sprees after playing Call Of Duty for a week straight.

Alo – If nobody makes a rubbish joke of going, “ello Alo”, we’ll be quite upset. Seemingly a loner who lives in a van with his dog, and if Channel 4’s program on Gypsy weddings made this subsection of society a laughing stock, then Skins will attempt to make being a traveller almost cool. He also looks porn, so we envisage he’ll either try and make some, or have his wanking exploits posted on YouTube.

Rich – Call the fearmongers! This child has long hair and wears black clothing! He is clearly a social outcast who wants to preach the devil’s message to fellow students. Oh hang on, that’s right, we’re not The Daily Mail. So we realise that Rich is a kid who is currently going through a phase of thinking bands like “Mega Kill Mega Death Mega Mega Kill” are awesome and aspects of popular culture are only embraced by people because we’ve been brainwashed in to liking them.

Mini – She appears to be the sort of girl whose viewpoints change depending on what the trending topics on Twitter are, what magazines dictate she should love and what is advertised to her. Basically, she’s the girl who is up her own arse thinking that she sets fashion and influences others when she is actually being exploited by others. Little miss popular probably can’t write a coherent sentence and talks in text speak. What a LOOL.

Liv – The sort of girl that begs for attention, otherwise she’d start melting and disappearing in to the cracks of the floorboards. Liv will also be your unwanted lifestyle coach who’ll other all sorts of patronising advice and won’t stop unless you tell her to fuck off or just give in and pretend you give a toss. Likely to suffer a mental breakdown at some point.

Grace – Goshy gosh! Fluffy kittens! Grace appears to be this series’ posh girl who hails from a privileged background and will be thrust in to the real world where she’ll encounter people that her parents would normally keep out of their house with gigantic electric fences. Her fantasy lifestyle bubble will burst when someone comes up to her at a party and asks if he can do her up the wrong’un.

Nick – He has the honour of dicking the show’s popular girl Mini. The show’s golden couple will likely lead the rest of their merry gang of followers, stir things up and break-up at least once before romantically getting back together behind the skips at a McDonalds. Looking like he has enough charm and energy to loan out to others, he’ll probably grate on us within the first seven seconds of watching him.

Matty – We all like a mysterious character don’t we? He sounds like the sort of person you become after a night out. As in talking absolute guff and thinking at the time that every single world uttered is beautiful and poetic after drinking multiple pints. He’d like to think he’s deep and meaningful, but instead has a strict curfew at 9pm and can only claim paracetamol as the hardest drug he’s necked.

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A new E4 series called Misfits you say? About a group of young delinquents doing community service?

We’ve not been this put off a new TV series since the Bad Girls pilot. In fact, the likelihood of a good series coming from E4 is akin to that of finding a hen’s tooth, or Tess Daly‘s soul.

Imagine the disquiet and shock which consumed us when we saw the first episode of this teen-insert genre here and discovered it’s actually quite good. Maybe Tess Daly has a soul after all.*

To get the comparison cliché out of the way, Misfits can be best described as Dead Set meets Heroes meets Shameless. There’s certainly a comic book feel to it à la Heroes, despite writer Howard Overman maintaining ignorance of the illustration laden literature.

In this television programme, a number of actors pretend to possess a different personality to their own, in a number of staged situations and circumstances. Their words are also not their own, they are given to them beforehand by the aforementioned writer, Howard Overman. In the opening episode this group of young, mostly unknown actors pretend to perform manual tasks in order to fulfil the community service aspect of their respective characters’ sentencing. An artificially created storm interrupts them, and through a combination of wind, rain, and CG effects, they are struck by lightning. None of them are harmed – on the contrary, they awake with some super powers. They are bestowed with the ability to hear thoughts, turn back time, become invisible, and to instil in people an intense sexual desire.

This wee acting conglomerate is lead by Robert Sheehan, a young Irishman best known for his role as BJ in the excellent Red Riding series. Robert (or Nathan, as he purports to be in this) provides plentiful comic relief in the Irish craic style popularised by Les Dennis‘ impression of Graham Norton in Extras.

In series such as this or Heroes, realism and grittiness are highly sought-after commodities. Such things are mostly unobtainable in a fantasy scenario such as this, so a substantial amount of credit is due to this relatively inexperienced writer. Howard has also successfully captured the often foul dialogue of teenagers while retaining enough clarity in order for it to be understood by a wider audience.

An impressive social media campaign will be running alongside the series to both accompany and expand on the story arc via Twitter, Facebook and YouTube etc. To make this worthwhile to viewers, those who pay close attention will be rewarded with a character who won’t be revealed on TV till episode six, amongst other things.

All in all, this looks set to be one of those popular ones.

Misfits starts on E4 on Thurs Nov 12 at 10pm

*She doesn’t.

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Omg! Lolz!!1!!1! If you’re a 12-year-old with a deluded view on what teenage life is like, that will probably be your reaction.

However if, like us, you live in the real world, you’ll no doubt be banging your head against the nearest blunt object.

Skins can only be described as the Daily Mail’s worst nightmare, since the show takes us into the supposed world of a teenager’s life. It wouldn’t make for good viewing if the characters all had study groups, helped the elderly and grew their own organic vegetables. Instead, it’s filled with boozing, shagging, crying and drug taking. Usually confined to E4, it might now bother you on the big screen.

Forget your popcorn and cola when the film eventually dumps itself in the cinema, you’ll be talking poppers and cocaine instead! Cinema workers’ lives will be made ten times harder as they deal with kids snorting drugs off sticky carpets and then tripping out and licking strangers’ eyeballs.

On TV, Skins has been successful and has recently finished its third outing. It could have been a potential tits-up in the making as producers decided to sack the original cast that established the show. Why, we’re not overly sure but it did seem a bit obvious seeing that the characters were all buggering off to university or taking up a life of prostitution.

With series three, we were introduced to a cast of characters who were just as diverse and strange as the ones they followed. We saw lesbianism, virginity-stealing, house parties spiralling out of control, shagging, girly violence, more shagging and plenty of pills being swallowed. Or MDMA put in to cakemix.

How a one-off Skins film will work is unclear at this point. Usually, all of the plotlines are all interlinked but share the same love for snorting something or getting a shandy at the pub. Perhaps for 90 minutes the two casts will be reunited and they’ll sit in a field getting wasted.

Of course, due to everyone being pretty spaced out, the characters may start to have their minds opened up. They question the theories written by Stephen Hawking, rewrite Einstein’s law of relativity and start to draw up blueprints on how to build a flying car. But of course, we don’t know that. Actually, we know bugger all about anything related to a Skins film. All we have is The Guradian’s quote sparking fear into us that the thing might actually happen:

“The broadcaster said that Film4 and Company Pictures, the independent producer that makes the show, were in “preliminary talks” about a big screen spin-off.”

Who knows, they could make it really weird by getting Dev Patel in it. Because he’s a technical Oscar winner now, he could arrive back in Bristol where Skins is set and start harping on about being all successful.

Or probably not.

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This week, we’re going to recommend someone whose music you may hear each week, but will have been blissfully unaware of who it is.

If you’re a Skins fan, then get ready to literally jump around the house like you’ve just had six tins of Red Bull. We’ve managed to pester the show’s musical composer Fat Segal and ask him some random questions which probably just wasted his day.

Anyone who has watched the opening credits of Skins will have been mesmerised by the calm and gentle notes which slowly branches off into different musical snapshots. Snatches of glitch, electronica and even a sly hint of post-gabba can be heard. On Fat Segal’s MySpace page, songs such as Silly Billy Borg combine filthy basslines with snippets of vocal samples which will no doubt cause a frenzy on the dancefloor amongst the kids.

We sent the following questions over and this is what we got back:

Is the name Fat Segal a name dedicated to Britain’s obese seagull epidemic or a tribute to Steven Segal?

It is certainly nothing to do with birds or aikido, but is pronounced the same as the actor you mention.

You’ve attracted major attention through your music being featured on Skins. Do you want to record under the Fat Segal alias for a bit longer and then move on?

Not sure, I will probably always record under ‘Segal’ but I have a few different aliases already.

What’s better? Potato skins or the TV show Skins?

Depends. By my reckoning there is nothing better in the entire tap-dancing world than a potato skin roasted with some red leicester, bacon (preferably smoked and streaky), spring onions, finished with sour cream, a touch of lime juice, a sprinkling of chives, washed down with a bottle of cerveza.

Would you consider a permanent move into soundtracking TV and film?

Yeah I love doing it. I’d be well up for scoring film, but I also want to make records. I could be like Phillip Glass without any of the musicality!

How would you describe your sound to someone who has never heard of you?

Utter clown shit to be honest.

Electronic music can be created on the move. Did you get opportunities to jam alongside what was being filmed?

The track that opens the second series of Skins was pretty much created on a laptop during choreography/rehearsals. Mainly though I keep my distance, only get involved when the cut takes shape.

Have you ever heard of hecklerspray before today? We try and write stuff to make people laugh or cause fits of misspelt rage.

That’s weird; I try and do that with my music.

What’s your favourite meal?

Aside from potato skins gotta be Prawn Linguini with garlic, chilli and lemon

What’s floating your boat musically?

Drexciya – Grava 4, Steve Reich – Daniel Variations and Mastodon – Leviathan.

Where the devil did the producers of the show find you in order to create the beats for the show?

Jamie Brittain (Skins Co-Creator) is one of my best friends and we used to make tracks together at uni, it spiralled from there. Did some demo theme music for them and they kindly offered me the role of composer on the show.

Where can we get our paws on your music?

You’ll be able to get my first ever rekkid from that virtual music boutique that rhymes with ‘pie goons’ very soon. Just finalising the artwork.

Any words of wisdom?

I’m going to have to let Gandalf answer that one.

For more:

Fat Segal MySpace page

Skins Series 3 is on E4 on Thursdays from 10pm where music from Fat Segal can be heard throughout. Just listen carefully.

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OMG! Skins is back! E4’s modern-day take on one side of ‘yoof culture’ returns to make everyone feel like they have crap parties, old and extremely unfashionable.

After establishing itself as one of E4′s more successful shows which isn’t Friends or Big Brother, the programme has taken a strange and swift change of direction. Instead of building on the foundations of the second series, the producers have instead decided to tell the original cast to bugger off as they’ve hired some fresh meat.

At the end of Skins 2, we all cried a little tear as each character got their A-level results and went off to do their own thing. Nerdy Sid decided he was going to hunt New York City for Cassie, the love of his life. Someone should have told him though that the city is a big place. At least double the size of Bristol.

The group of friends did put aside their bickering to unite as one at the funeral of Chris who died from a blood clot to the brain. What a shitter, his girlfriend Jal was up the duff with his child. Oh well, she can always rely on the state for some benefit money.

Patchy lovers Tony and Michelle ended up getting the results they needed to get in to Uni. The distance between Cardiff and York seemed to stretch their rekindled romance as they amicably called it off. This comes despite everyone knowing students don’t do 9-5 days and spend most of their time getting pissed, eating Pot Noodles and plagiarising essays off Wikipedia and Google Books.

Where does that leave us then? The only member of the cast to have been retained is Effy, the sister of Tony. Whilst making the odd appearance in a couple of episodes, we are warmly reminded of the time when she got wasted on drugs and was saved by her brother who was nearly made to make sweet incestuous love to his sister.

So who have we got to replace the existing characters? E4’s website lists the following people who between them will consume Bristol’s entire supply of pills while bopping around to wooden-sounding electro.

Pandora – An adorable virgin. This basically means she will lose her virginity at some point. But who will be the first to spread her legs and get in to her love box? You know, Pandora’s Box? Oh never mind.

Thomas – Thomas is a good honest soul and has moved to a new country. More than likely he’ll be corrupted and involved in countless sex sessions involving a bottle of chilli sauce and some pliers.

Cook – Cook pulls off daring and dangerous stunts. He’ll be the one to arse everything up, the annoying person who constantly craves attention.

Freddie – Has got bags of potential but no va va vooom. Thierry Henry will solve this by giving him a new Renault.

JJ – The master illusionist has a huge imagination. With child-like excitement, he dreams up entertaining schemes. After cutting an assistant in half by mistake, he’ll morph into a younger Paul Daniels to be more like his idol.

Katie – Super smart Katie is shedding her identical twin skin. Either she’ll take some drugs, go a rave or stay up past her normal bedtime. She’s Emily’s twin!

Emily – Likes being a twin, but she’s crippled by her own shyness. Blah blah blah, she’ll find some confidence and do some sort of hilarious swap with her twin sister Emily in an exam.

Naomi – Passionate, political and principled, no one believes in anything anymore. Erm…we don’t know. Maybe she’ll burn her bra.

So, there we go. Expect shagging, swearing and all sorts of mental behaviour! Does it reflect our childhood in an easy-to-digest hour-long show? No, not really – we experienced things more like E4’s other home-grown show The Inbetweeners. Go on, admit it. It’s a more realistic portrayal of teenage life.

Skins series 3 begins tomorrow on E4. Let’s go crazy!

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Dire Danny Dyer has told the ever wonderful Zoo magazine that Orlando Bloom is a “cunt” who “can’t act” .

The famous idiom pot calling the kettle black springs to mind here. Although it’s more a case of the pot calling the kettle a cunt for being a pot.

It’s like Boris Johnson telling David Cameron he has a silly voice and stupid hair and feeling that his party’s views are “a little bit too conservative” for his liking.

Dyer, the moron star of immense twaddle such as Outlaw and The Business, gives the impression that he may just be the teeny weeniest little bit jealous of Orlando’s recent success.

“I do genuinely think Orlando Bloom is a cunt. I’ve never met him, but he’s in the same game as me and he’s loaded. I’m still living in the ghetto in East London and he’s earning three million quid a film. He got lucky. He came out of drama school and got Lord of the Rings.”

If we can just interject here for a moment: anyone who refers to East London as a ghetto without hint of irony or sarcasm is a dick. That is certified fact. No two ways about it. Dick.

We’re sure you would have been really very good in Lord of the Rings had Bloom not beaten you to it though. It may have gone a little something like this:

“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY, we are the fellowship, we are the fellowship-ah! Fackin’ right in my son, Aragorn; give that Arwen one up the ring from me. Who’s wants a fackin’…..Oi! Frodo you cant, ‘ave you nicked my fackin’ rizla’s again?”

Dyer continued:

“He wasn’t all that good in it, but it put him on the map, didn’t it? He’s the opposite of me, he’s well media-trained and boring. Plus, he can’t act.”

Yeah. Yeah. Totally the opposite of you then. You’re just so bloody interesting and un-media trained, Dyer. How do you do it? Plus, you can act. You were really good in Skins as that man who did all those things in that place. And don’t even get us started on Severance. Melding comedy and horror together without including either genre in any way! Genius! It really worked.

Plus, this has put you on the map you big wanker. It may only be hecklerspray‘s map of cunts and you may only be the Britain to Bono‘s America on Planet Cunt, but it’s a map nonetheless.

Look, don’t get us wrong, we don’t rate Orlando Bloom’s acting either; we agree with you on that front, Dyer. We definitely do. It’s just that you happen to be a bigger cunt and an even more one-note actor, who, thanks to your ridiculously idiotic films and involvement with Zoo magazine, is contributing to the dumbing down of mainstream society. That’s all. No offense or anything. We’re sure you’re alright apart from that.

We would totally love to have a Stella with you and discuss football and listen to Oasis and look at some birds. We would love that. It’s just that we happen to be busy until the end of time. Or don’t want to, due to having a reasonable level of intellect. One of the two. We forget which.

Read more:

Dyer: ‘Orlando Bloom Can’t Act’ – Digital Spy

Folks, we’ve got some good news, some bad news and some horrible news. Which do you want first?

Let’s start with the good news, shall we: The entire cast of dire TV twaddle Skins are to be made redundant! Yeah! No more undeveloped twatty stereotypes with better hair than you!

That would be so sweet if it weren't for the bad news. 

The twatty stereotypical undeveloped characters are to be replaced by twattier further stereotyped undeveloped characters with even better hair. Fuck. The good news isn’t quite so good anymore, is it? Pretend you haven’t read this bit. Delete it from your brains. It hasn’t happened.

Still reading? More fool you. It gets worse:

After beginning nationwide open auditions recently and announcing that they’re on the look-out for an “Eastern European male and identical twin sisters,” executive producer Bryan Elson confirmed that all current characters will be axed.

This probably means The Cheeky Girls are going to be in the new series saying excellent dialogue such as:

“Towny, why you’re cock not werk?”

And:

“Ow fyuck my pyeriod is own. I bleed downstaars. Dis is sow like reeall lif. Let's dance for no reason.”

The rumours are true, the head of Channel Four is definitely a peanut. Unsalted. With no sense of reality. Obviously. Peanuts don’t have that generally. We’re just clarifying in case anyone from Channel Four is reading. Hi people from Channel Four! You’re dead good at telly! That would be so true if it weren’t false. So close.

The horrible news is that Bono is still alive.

Read more:

Skins Cast Axed! - Zoo