Skin’s nice, isn’t it? The biggest organ of all the other organs in your body, according to the internet (though our liver is probably jostling for that accolade), and really good for when you want to stop your other, smaller, organs from falling out and making a mess on the carpet.

Its also pretty good for making a special outfit to wear to old Buffalo Bill’s Valentine’s Day party.

People always say you need to look after your skin, which we do by maintaining a full, thick layer of Vaseline at all times. Beyonce has been looking after her skin, though, by making it white! Seriously. Step away from the Tippex, B, people are starting to think you might be a bit of a racist.

That’s right, in a bid to make all black girls everywhere feel inferior, Beyonce has been whitewashed yet again.

A new picture has been released to promote her actually-really-boring album 4, with tantalising side-boob action and stockings, if that’s what gets you going.

She also looks pretty much completely white (and also like she might be holding in a fart, but that’s not the main issue here) which is, when you come to think about it, really quite racist.

Just like in 2008 when she was edited down to a light beige by L’Oreal.

These pallid publicity shots kind of suggest that, to sell to a wide (white) audience, Beyonce and her ‘people’ think she’s got to whiten up.

So, you know, a pat on the back to everyone, really. It’s the 21st century and we’re still apparently not willing to buy stuff advertised or made by black people.

Nice one, everyone, really. Well done.

This was an article written by Becca Day-Preston who, in all seriously, will probably kick your teeth inward if you try messing with her. Okay?

Spring is in the air, those gloomy winter days are behind us for another year and we can look forward to all of the joys that the sunshine brings: flowers blooming, birds singing and, most importantly, BOOBS!

That’s right, it’s the time of year where celebrity clothes disappear at the same rate as clouds.

This week we’ve been treated to many a celebrity disrobing, so we’ll break them down one by one… over the jump you penises.

Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey:

Right, none of us actually care about what Nick Cannon’s love gun looks like, so we’re going to focus on his naked missus, Mariah.

Mimi has decided to strip off for various magazine covers (and some of those classy black and white pictures that apparently don’t count as porn) to show off her pregnancy bump, because that’s beautiful or something.

We here at hecklerspray aren’t as convinced, we’d much rather have seen her in the altogether before she was knocked up, but maybe that’s just us.

Kaley Cuoco:

She’s the one from the Big Bang Theory. When we initially heard that there were pictures of some lass from something called the Big Bang Theory with her knickers down we had pictured something completely different.

But we’ll give Kaley top marks for trying anyway, even if the picture was sold to us under false pretences.

Bridget Moynahan:

Her picture in the annual nude issue of Allure magazine (which is also the source of Kaley Couco, Keri Hilson and Ashley Tisdale’s naturist debuts) is lovely, but if we’re honest we have no idea who she is.

According to Wikipedia she’s some sort of model and actress who used to be married to an American football player.

Well… good for her.

Keri Hilson:

This is another picture from the rather grotty looking pile marked nice but of unknown origins. Hilson is an American R&B singer apparently, but we can’t really vouch for that.

All we can tell you is that we’re glad they went with her for this photo shoot and not Adele, because while Adele’s voice is beautiful you have to admit she has a bit of the Beth Ditto thing going on.

Ashley Tisdale:

Ms. Tisdale is the one from High School Musical who no one really paid attention to because Vanessa Hudgens was more attractive and a better actress/singer (which, when you think about it, says a lot more about Tisdale than it should).

Anywho, even though our Ashley looks good with her arse out, we can’t help but feel that this is just a cheap attempt to get as much attention as Vanessa does whenever she releases nude pics of herself.

The problem is that Vanessa is more willing to go down the hardcore route, which doesn’t leave Ashley with much of chance of being glanced at now, does it?

It might be worth mentioning that these are all professionally shot pictures, so there’s no chance of you gawping at nipples or anything naughty in the pictures (unless we’re talking about Vanessa ‘hardcore’ Hudgens), which is most likely the only reason you read this article anyway.

We probably should have put that at the start of the article. Sorry.

Pervert.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

If you are a regular reader of the powerful-to-the-45th-degree hecklerspray, you know you can confidently boast to your friends, family, and strange children to whom you offer candy, that you are an expert on crucial current events.  

No need to bother with giant news conglomerates reporting on AIDS-ravished nations, terrorism, genocide, and so forth. Obviously, we all agree that it’s more important to know about festering disease growing on the skin famous persons, like the cancerous patch of skin recently removed from the face of CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

We are happy to report that preliminary reports suggest both Cooper and cancer are doing fine and resting peacefully. We hear that Will Smith and his wife Jada have already been to visit the cancerous patch and say it looks just like its father.  

We typed in Anderson Cooper into the Google toolbar. The first suggestion that was automatically provided for us was ‘Anderson Cooper gay’. Anderson Cooper is gay, of course. He’s as gay as the day is long. Naturally, we mean gay in the 1950’s-ish happy/elated sense. What did you think we meant??  

Anyway, the host of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° is the biggest, gayest, most cheerful journalist there is at the moment because the cancerous patch of skin that no one knew was there has been successfully removed, and Anderson Cooper is back to work after a two day absence. He wasn’t even going to tell us about it, but he thankfully explained the whole situation Wednesday on the Anderson Cooper 360° blog: 

"I had minor surgery on Monday. A small spot of skin cancer was removed from under my left eye. I hadn't planned on mentioning this, but I still have stitches and you'll no doubt notice them tonight." 

In all seriousness, cancer sucks in any form, and it’s good that the cancer doesn’t seem to have spread. Something serious like that always takes a large portion of the fun out of mock-laden prose, but it’s great that Anderson Cooper will be alright.  

Hopefully, Brian Williams’ bunionectomy and Katie Couric’s abscess removal will go just as smoothly should they occur, and they will be just as gay as Anderson Cooper, if not gayer.   

Read more:

Anderson Cooper's Cancer Scare - E! Online 

Looking for a bonanza of entertainment, are you? Then do a Google image search for impetigo. Go ahead and do it now. We’ll wait. Ah, there’s that lovely sound of violent retching we were waiting for. The foamy white ones are our favourites, too.

Sure, we all get to have the thrill of infectious skin disease image searching, but guess who’s out there with real-life infectious skin disease. Amy Winehouse, that’s who. She’s got impetigo on her face. So, yes, there is legitimately, clinically something wrong with her face that doesn’t have to do with the brutal thwomping of drugs and alcohol, or eyeliner wings that look like they’re desperately trying to get her face to take flight. Who knew?

If we had paid any attention to Amy Winehouse’s face lately, we might have noticed the painful-looking lumps on her face that don’t seem to have any relation to beatings from her husband of any kind. Those lumps are the direct result of a bacterial infection to Amy Winehouse’s face. Ouch. Okay, that sucks, but Amy, that’s why you don’t slowly rub your hoard of recently-acquired Grammy Awards all over your face for hours at a time, weeping softly and whispering sweet nothings of tenderness, which have caused open sores to become infected with bacteria.

It all seems legit, though. Amy Winehouse’s rep confirmed the situation:

'Amy has been diagnosed with impetigo, which she has been told can be highly contagious. Because of that she has been put on antibiotics and may have to stay home alone for the next few days.'

It only seems logical that with her past and current lifestyle, it’s probably just best to assume that Amy Winehouse is a walking cornucopia of highly contagious diseases at any given time, and anyone in the same time zone as her should take antibiotics as a precautionary measure.

At any rate, it’s a good thing for Amy Winehouse that this impetigo junk was nipped in the bud. Amy probably didn’t even notice the new pustules of infection amongst the usual smattering of self-harm scars until the critters began to come down out of her bride of Frankenstein hive hair and poke at the sores. Otherwise, the infection might have spread all over her body and turned her into a reclusive hermit holed up in her apartment, never to be heard from again.

We dare to dream.

Read more: 

Amy Winehouse's Skin Disease – Marie Claire