No need to bother with giant news conglomerates reporting on AIDS-ravished nations, terrorism, genocide, and so forth. Obviously, we all agree that it’s more important to know about festering disease growing on the skin famous persons, like the cancerous patch of skin recently removed from the face of CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

We are happy to report that preliminary reports suggest both Cooper and cancer are doing fine and resting peacefully. We hear that Will Smith and his wife Jada have already been to visit the cancerous patch and say it looks just like its father.  

We typed in Anderson Cooper into the Google toolbar. The first suggestion that was automatically provided for us was ‘Anderson Cooper gay’. Anderson Cooper is gay, of course. He’s as gay as the day is long. Naturally, we mean gay in the 1950’s-ish happy/elated sense. What did you think we meant??  

Anyway, the host of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° is the biggest, gayest, most cheerful journalist there is at the moment because the cancerous patch of skin that no one knew was there has been successfully removed, and Anderson Cooper is back to work after a two day absence. He wasn’t even going to tell us about it, but he thankfully explained the whole situation Wednesday on the Anderson Cooper 360° blog: 

"I had minor surgery on Monday. A small spot of skin cancer was removed from under my left eye. I hadn't planned on mentioning this, but I still have stitches and you'll no doubt notice them tonight." 

In all seriousness, cancer sucks in any form, and it’s good that the cancer doesn’t seem to have spread. Something serious like that always takes a large portion of the fun out of mock-laden prose, but it’s great that Anderson Cooper will be alright.  

Hopefully, Brian Williams’ bunionectomy and Katie Couric’s abscess removal will go just as smoothly should they occur, and they will be just as gay as Anderson Cooper, if not gayer.   

Read more:

Anderson Cooper's Cancer Scare - E! Online 

Sure, we all get to have the thrill of infectious skin disease image searching, but guess who’s out there with real-life infectious skin disease. Amy Winehouse, that’s who. She’s got impetigo on her face. So, yes, there is legitimately, clinically something wrong with her face that doesn’t have to do with the brutal thwomping of drugs and alcohol, or eyeliner wings that look like they’re desperately trying to get her face to take flight. Who knew?

If we had paid any attention to Amy Winehouse’s face lately, we might have noticed the painful-looking lumps on her face that don’t seem to have any relation to beatings from her husband of any kind. Those lumps are the direct result of a bacterial infection to Amy Winehouse’s face. Ouch. Okay, that sucks, but Amy, that’s why you don’t slowly rub your hoard of recently-acquired Grammy Awards all over your face for hours at a time, weeping softly and whispering sweet nothings of tenderness, which have caused open sores to become infected with bacteria.

It all seems legit, though. Amy Winehouse’s rep confirmed the situation:

'Amy has been diagnosed with impetigo, which she has been told can be highly contagious. Because of that she has been put on antibiotics and may have to stay home alone for the next few days.'

It only seems logical that with her past and current lifestyle, it’s probably just best to assume that Amy Winehouse is a walking cornucopia of highly contagious diseases at any given time, and anyone in the same time zone as her should take antibiotics as a precautionary measure.

At any rate, it’s a good thing for Amy Winehouse that this impetigo junk was nipped in the bud. Amy probably didn’t even notice the new pustules of infection amongst the usual smattering of self-harm scars until the critters began to come down out of her bride of Frankenstein hive hair and poke at the sores. Otherwise, the infection might have spread all over her body and turned her into a reclusive hermit holed up in her apartment, never to be heard from again.

We dare to dream.

Read more: 

Amy Winehouse's Skin Disease – Marie Claire