The Queen of New Boring has come under attack for having the temerity to get all pelvic and grunty with a man who might not be entirely divorced from his estranged wife.

As if it wasn’t enough that she can’t get through a day without a million more people buying her album, she’s had to take to her blog (which is a step up from taking to Twitter, at least) to tell everyone that

a) he’s not married and b) it’s none of their goddamn business.

Taking a break from sitting down and bellowing ballads, Adele made these words happen to her bit of the internet:

“Contrary to reports and headlines in the press today, Simon is divorced and has been for 4 years. Everyone in our lives separately and together wish us nothing but the best, and vice versa. These are the facts.”

So, that clears that up, then. He is definitely not still married, not to anyone, not even a little tiny bit married.

Now, you might ask yourself why it would even matter if he was 100% definitely still married, given that marriage in itself is an antiquated and ridiculous ritual, divorce is expensive and that opting for mere estrangement at least leaves you with one person who can’t testify against you when your participation in the biggest crystal meth ring this side of Albuquerque is finally revealed.

And well done you, for asking questions instead of dumbly buying it like you bought Adele’s album.

It doesn’t really matter either way. What matters is that his nickname is Swampy, he went to Eton, and the two of them were introduced by human pumpkin Ed Sheeran.

That’s where the real story is, people.

This article was written by Becca Day-Preston who is willing to punch you for money. Careful.

You might not enjoy the music of Adele, but when award season rolls round, she won’t have enough room in her bathroom to show them all off. With six Grammy nominations and probable Brit nods, she’s likely to sweep the board.

You can’t escape Adele’s music due to her success, and so, an extensive tour was always on the cards.

However, major chunks of the gig schedule were thrown into chaos when her voice took a turn for the worst. We imagine that punters wouldn’t want to see her sing through a robotic voice emulator on an iPhone. It might ruin a subtle ballad if she sounded like a Smash robot.

And it was Adele’s American fans who were hit by her illness the most as her ten date tour in October was completely cancelled. A few months later her tour rider has leaked online, displaying no real egotistical requests, but instead a heart warming demand that anyone receiving complimentary tickets makes a charity donation.

In the past, we’ve often wondered why solo artists specifically need to have four dressing rooms for themselves, seven bulldogs sprayed neon green and for anyone on-site to call them a different name. On a ten date tour of America, it would have been likely to see loads of freeloading journalists getting in for nothing and potentially slating her.

According to the rider, it was clearly stated that:

“Guests are asked to give a minimum of $20 “when they collect their tickets” to Sands. There will be no exception to this rule.”

Assuming that the gig cost around $40, that’s still a cheap night out than what the majority of the audience will be paying. For those interested in what the charity Sands is, it’s

“A UK based charity and supports those affected by the loss of a baby, as well as promoting research into premature death among infants.”

We don’t know the exact reasoning for Adele’s choice, but it’s a noteworthy one that only an idiot would protest to when asked to pay a small sum on the tour.

So what else did the rider cough up? Amusingly, it shows a complete disregard for American beer. Anyone who drinks Budweiser may as well use a Sodastream to make their urine fizzy. And since the beverage is the new sponsor the FA Cup, it hasn’t done any favours for itself. Adele seemingly shares our opinion as her rider stated on tour that she required.

“12 bottles of the “best quality European lager beer. ie Becks, Stella Artois, Peroni etc. North American beer is NOT acceptable”

You know Adele is serious as it’s written in shouty capital letters. Alongside the usual request of fizzy drinks, crisps and sandwiches, there isn’t really a lot to add. Though an element of mystery remains for the promoters as in the after show requests, it’s mentioned that:

“We will require food (Pizza? Sandwiches? Something more exciting?) to feed 26 hungry people.”

Something more exciting? How about a pizza sandwich? Instantly solving all of the dilemmas tours throw up.

Adele, the most successful British singer since the last British singer did well in the United States of America, has been having problems with that throat of hers. Mainly, the terrible singing that emits from it.

Sadly for Adele’s bank manager, she’s been cancelling gigs left, right and centre because there’s something wrong with her.

As such, she’s had to had surgery on her throat. THERE IS A CHANCE SHE’LL NEVER SING AGAIN! JUST IMAGINE!

Sadly for ear-owners and people without menstrual tendencies, the quack who operated on Adele’s vocal cords has hailed the surgery a success.

Regrettably, she will almost certainly be singing again really soon.

Dr. Steven Zeitels, who has previously treated Steven Tyler, Julie Andrews and Cher, performed the operation at Massachusetts General Hospital and bosses at the medical facility have now released a statement hailing the surgery a success.

We can only hope that Adele comes back sounding like Cher in ‘Believe’ ALL. THE. TIME. because that would be amazing. More amazing than Cylon and Garfunkel in Futurama.

The doctor’s statement reads:

“Adele underwent vocal cord microsurgery by Dr. Steven Zeitels to stop recurrent vocal cord haemorrhage (bleeding) from a benign polyp. This condition is typically the result of unstable blood vessels in the vocal cord that can rupture… Dr. Zeitels expects Adele to make a full recovery from her laser microsurgery.”

Benign polyp, eh? That sounds delicious.

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Some people hate James Corden. They want the ground to break open and swallow him right up, with all the “stupid” “comedy” things that he says. His amiable, cheeky chappy demeanour just rubs people up such the wrong way that not only would they not piss on him if he was on fire, but they would probably light sparklers on his burning corpse and start a carnival.

Imagine the things you’d see. The sights and sounds of burning fat spitting on possibly e.coli contaminated hotdogs. Lovely.

Whereas on the other side of the coin, there’s people who adore the ground that he walks on and will happily tune into whatever he does. These people would probably not piss on him if he was on fire. They would probably phone the fire brigade and stand idly by and bite their nails waiting for Dennis the Fire Engine to turn up. Maybe taking a picture and uploading it to Twitter, or that fancy new Google Plus. Technological mavens that they are.

Us, well we wouldn’t say one way or another how we feel about James Corden. You don’t come to Hecklerspray for angry reactionary prose about things. Imagine, right? Right.

Well Corden is doing a massive publicity drive to drum up sales for his autobiography which has a handwritten title no doubt… and what’s the best way to drum up some attention for something? Well by dressing up as a woman is how. Just look at Corrie. Once they became Transsexualisation Street, the ratings went through the roof. Not just because they made it seem to Roy Cropper wasn’t going to embark on a paedophile inspired kidnap culminating in a dash from Underworld with a toddler under each arm into a white van.

But because they were addressing ‘issues.’

Obviously Corden isn’t addressing any issues, apart from making us aware that everyone STILL loves Adele, but that doesn’t stop him from popping his penis between his legs and dragging up. Maybe they even went the whole hog (so to speak). Who knows?

Talking to Heat, between rearranging his flattened package, Corden gushed

“I love Adele so much. I find what she’s achieved and keeps achieving an inspiration to any young singer-songwriter out there. I met her on her first-ever performance on T4. You could just tell then how huge she was going to be. She’s exceptional. It makes me excited about presenting the BRITs next year, knowing that the biggest-selling female artist in the world is going to be there. And she’s part of our little island. She’s just taken over the World.”

Obviously what Corden meant to say was she’s “part of our little island” because she’s an actual counterweight so Britain doesn’t keelhaul us all into the English Channel. While Adele stays around, we can live happy without sliding into the Sea.

So let’s put our hands together for James Corden. It seems that flashing his magina keeps the Great Sea God Adele from dooming us all to a life of floating on doors and rafts made from broken settees.

It didn’t do Leonardo di Caprio so well at the end of Titanic is it? Winslet couldn’t save him from a watery grave could she? So presumably it’s just fire that she can jump through with the lithe of a thousand Batmen. And maybe when all those powers combine, Kwame is Joseph Gorden Levitt and Tom Hardy is still a hulking dick.

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Imagine just for a second that you’re Adele. You wake up to the contractual Lazy Susan of creamed pastries and important news.

As you separate your breasts from clapping together when you roll over to the eclair sideboard, you hear that someone on the X Factor is totally stealing your shtick and that song that you’ve rammed down so many throats that the Nation doesn’t have a gag reflex anymore? Well the video is out. You’d probably have a celebratory glass of whole cream as you sit down to watch it.

Aaaaaaaaaaand, end scene. Well done everyone. Take five and grab something from the green room.

If you haven’t guessed already, the video for ‘Someone Like You’ has finally been released. The video that nobody wanted filming can finally be viewed. And in our honest hecklerspraying opinion, it’s a bit of a flimsy attempt to capitalise on the, somewhat, waning mega-success that she has already had with it.

Maybe it’s because she has to pay almost half of the profits to HMRC so she wants to squeeze every last drop out of it before finally giving up the goat. Or perhaps she just wanted to go for a wander around Paris and have someone film it. Which is very arrogant isn’t it? Bad Adele, no eclairs for you.

Obviously we all know that it’s so she can release a deluxe version of ’21’ with added features like the videos and shit on there in a few months time.

To be honest though, because there’s an almost Instagram-esque haze throughout the whole video, it’s difficult to definitely say that it’s Paris that she’s about to rob of all it’s baked products. It could easily be set in Blackpool or anywhere else that has a tower in it.

Why someone in Adele’s management decided to release an official video for this song, when the performance at the Brits did the song more justice than anything anyone can create, is baffling. You can watch it here, but trust us, you’ll have a confused feeling in your stomach afterward. Like having sex with David Hasslehoff. It’s unnecessary and will make you feel a little unwell after.

At least she’s wearing a nice coat. So she’s clearly thinking of the weather.

This article was written, blindfolded, by the debauched nincompoop Robin Darke who you can find out more on via this stream of twaddle.

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Adele seems to split people into two camps. The first is the Oooh! She’s like a proper singer! She’s not like those thin, manufactured ones! She’s a proper soul singer! She’s a real person! The other is the She Makes Really Boring Records And I Just Don’t Get The Fuss camp.

Of course, there’s a third group which sneer I Don’t Have Anything To Do With Popular Culture Because I Do My Own Thing And Feel Vastly Superior And Simultaneously Ostracised By It, but the less said about those bores the better.

However, there’s a fourth camp now. They’re called the Gah! We’re So Bored Of Hearing The Same Song That We’ve Actually Banned It. Let us explain.

When you have a hit single, it is constantly in danger of overplay. This means that people end up hating pieces of music regardless of whether they initially liked it or not.

And so, in a music shop in Dublin – called Opus II if you care in the slightest – they’ve banned Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.

Basically, they felt the need to impose a ban after the workers got beyond tired of hearing the song. It appears that every time someone sits at a piano when they’re shopping, they start playing Adele’s ballad.

Now there’s a sign up saying: “Strictly NO Adele”.

A shop assistant says:

“It’s become the piano equivalent of ‘Stairway To Heaven’, everyone thinks they can play it. The sign was a bit of a joke, but the song can drive you mad.”

The store has also banned Beethoven’s ‘Für Elise’ and absolutely any Michael Nyman music from being played.

Good work.

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Adele. She’s not thin is she? We’ve all noticed and most people don’t really care. They never have. They may well think her music is duller than stagnant dish water, but her waist? Never even considered it.

The single most irritating thing about Adele is that she’s omnipresent. You can’t move for hearing her mawkish take on balladry. She’s basically a more-credible Westlife. It’s all earnest, doe-eyed faux-pain channelled through that feeling of being a bit teary after a few drinks, watching someone sing something slightly emotional on a karaoke.

However, bringing up her weight is none other than the girl herself, who for the millionth time this week, has underlined that she’s comfortable with the way she looks.

Adele, if you didn’t know, is on the cover of UK Vogue. Of course, what with her not being a thin model, this gives the fashion industry and women’s lifestyle magazines the chance to, at some point in the future, refute claims of promoting an unhealthy image to young women.

They can now disagree and say “We were one of the first magazines to put Adele on the cover, so no, we don’t subscribe to this notion that we only showcase thinner girls.” You just watch.

Either way, despite the fact no-one really cares what Adele’s figure is like (apart from those laziest of joke makers who like to point it out, just to troll everyone else), she’s keen to point at it and say ‘I don’t care’.

She said:

“I’ve seen people where it rules their lives, you know, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down. And I just don’t want that in my life.”

“It’s just never been an issue – at least, I’ve never hung out with the sort of horrible people who make it an issue. I have insecurities of course, but I don’t hang out with anyone who points them out to me.”

What we can slate though, is Adele’s pathetic immune system as she’s cancelled further gigs thanks to a chest infection after nixing concerts thanks to a bout of laryngitis.

Not that anyone will hear this insult, because everyone is too busy imagining that people are berating Adele for being a different shape to a bunch of other women.

Chances are though, should she lose a load of weight, women will be the first to start yelling “Oh! Doesn’t she look great?!” or “I can’t believe she’s lost all that weight. It must be peer pressure! I don’t judge women by their size, but I definitely think she’s not as good now she’s thin.”

Idiots.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt was a blubbering wreck, on the verge of destroying her career by not weighing next-to-nothing.

Fortunately, the girl saw sense and has shed that disgusting weight that was – both figuratively and literally – holding her down. Yes, friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has gone and lost 18 pounds, after those photos appeared of her last year when she looked normal.

Obviously when we say ‘normal’ it’s meant by our standards – if we were judging by the usual Hollywood standards then you could take it to mean ‘foul, disgusting and haggish, really fat and unworthy of ever working on anything – film, TV or even radio – ever again’.

Because apparently that’s what we consider ‘normal’ is to these people.

It was around November of last year when these evil, disgusting photos emerged – around the time Jennifer had confirmed her engagement to a man who did some voice overs in Call of Duty 2. She was pictured frolicking around in a bikini, in some water, without a size 0 waist.

This was, apparently, tantamount to a war crime. The holocaust had nothing on her hips. The world of showbiz news went (quite literally) insane, but Jennie Loving Hew stuck to her guns, telling people:

“I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.”

The newly-appointed crusader for moral weight-related justice went on:

“A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family, and like all women out there should, I love my body.”

After thankfully making it clear that she knew how much she had disgusted us all with her blubberous behind by acknowledging she ‘knew what she looked like’, she finished by saying:

“To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.”

Which obviously made us all vomit everywhere straight away, as the sheer thought of someone that didn’t look like a carbon copy of a stick insect brings the bile rushing up faster than we could ever hope to keep it down.

But Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn’t seem to be a woman that stands by her words, and instead it looks as if she feels that the world of the celebrity press can dictate to her how she should live her life. Appearing in some new photoshoots in some crap that’s printed, she opened up on losing 18 pounds, bringing herself back down to the stupidly skinny way she’s supposed to be. According to magazines and a moronic public.

Speaking to the press, her personal trainer responsible for making her acceptable to the human eye once more said these words:

“With her, it’s not, ‘I want to look good in that dress’. She wanted to start moving around because she thought it would make her feel better. [Jennifer] told me, ‘They said some rude, mean things, but that’s not why I wanted to change’.”

Actually, we don’t believe that. Hecklerspray believes the reason Jennifer Love Hewitt lost the weight is because of that exact reason – because some “rude”, “mean” things were said. She felt the pressure that comes with being judged by a press and public that have only ever seen you as the size 0 commodity that you are to them, and as soon as you do something with your own body that you want to do, they jump on you.

But hey, who are we to complain? As long as she still has cracking norks.