Ashley Cole is about to pay the heaviest price for his infidelities so far – his skinny wife is banning him from having it off with her.

Just because Cheryl Cole has taken Ashley Cole back after his constant cheating, it doesn't mean that she's a complete pushover – she's apparently slapped him with a six-month sex ban.

Genius. It's obvious that if you stop having sex with a man who has a known history of shagging other women, he definitely won't go out and shag the first fake-tanned slapper he sees in the first pikey nightclub he goes to. That's a flipping certainty. Someone should give Cheryl Cole a medal.

It's difficult, but we shouldn't judge Cheryl Cole for the way she's behaved over the revelations that Ashley Cole has spent the last few years having freakish vomit sex with all the slags. Sure, if it wasn't humiliating enough to hear sordid newspaper accounts from all the women who Ashley Cole had systematically slept with during their marriage, Cheryl Cole then had to face the further indignity of publicly taking her roving husband back.

And it's easy to judge her because of this. It's easy to say that Cheryl Cole is basically a braindead plaksplonk who's only sticking with Ashley Cole to try and further their brand as a couple and that she'd have ditched him instantly if he didn't earn a jillion quid a second for just punting a ball around in a stadium of booing skinheads for an hour and a half a week. It's easy to, but we never would.

You see, Cheryl Cole has a trick up her sleeve. She may have taken Ashley Cole back, but only on the proviso that he doesn't put his dirty pecker anywhere near her for six months. Ha! That'll teach him. Game, set and match Cheryl Cole. The Sun reports:

A pal of the couple said: "Cheryl has told Ashley there will be no sex in their house for at least six months and although he’s going to find it incredibly hard he agreed to her terms. She wants Ashley to appreciate her and realise what he has got. But he’s a red blooded fella and it’s not going to be easy… Ashley is famous for his ball control but this will be the ultimate test."

If that last sentence wasn't completely paraphrased by a Sun journalist then we're going to weep for humanity. Because, shit punning aside, Ashley Cole isn't famous for his ball control. He's famous for schtupping anything that moves, and also for drunkenly throwing up during it. That last quoted sentence should have read "Ashley has rubbish ball control, and he often pukes over his balls like some sort of hungry self-abusing ball-obsessed Brundlefly." We're going to hold our breath until The Sun changes it accordingly.

Anyway, you might question the common sense of Cheryl Cole punishing a man who happily had sex with other women when she was having sex with him by withholding sex. But Cheryl Cole doesn't care. You can't judge her because you don't know the hurt that Cheryl Cole has been through lately. Well, you won't until she inevitably publishes her tawdry ghostwritten autobiography in time for Christmas, anyway.

That's if this sex ban is even real, anyway – but we're positive that it is. After all, for her to try and salvage a shred of dignity from all this by inventing an imaginary sex ban and making it public so that people think that she's got the upper hand would take some brains. And Cheryl Cole, as if you needed reminding, is a plaksplonk.

Read more:

Cheating Ashley Gets A Sex Ban - The Sun 

As a rational human being, the two things you want most for Christmas are to see Return Of BloodRayne and Girlfight 2: Not As Sexy As You'd Think finally get greenlit.

But tough luck, because neither of those things will happen for at least the next half-year – Michelle Rodriguez, the star of those original movies, has just started her six-month jail sentence for constantly being unable to follow simple probation rules. But it's not all bad news, because now she's been locked up in the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles, Michelle Rodriguez will get to take part in the jail's annual inter-inmate Secret Santa. What will Michelle Rodriguez be given? A bucket of piss? A bucket of poo? A bucket of piss and poo all mixed up? A vigorous stabbing? Oh, how we wish we could take part in Michelle Rodriguez's Secret Santa, too.

Of all the celebrity jail-sentences that have taken place this year, it's heartening to discover that the final celebrity to be locked up in 2007 is Michelle Rodriguez, because she's been in trouble with the law so often that we're taking this new sentence as God's way of telling us that 2008 is going to be just fine.

Not that it's especially new news that Michelle Rodriguez is in jail – she was sentenced to six months back in October – but, well, it's Christmas Eve and so little has actually happened that it's either we tell you about this or we do what all the news programmes have done and try to make out that people going Christmas shopping just before Christmas somehow constitutes a top breaking story. 

So then, Michelle Rodriguez is in jail, but what for? Why, the same old nonsense that she always gets in trouble for – failing to keep her nose clean for long enough to let her probation period pass smoothly. There was a drink-driving arrest, some sort of hit and run, a failure to carry out her community service and consumption of alcohol three times in the period when Rodriguez was wearing a SCRAM anklet, all of which was too much for the judge to bear. So Michelle Rodriguez now has to sit out the full six-month sentence with no early release, no home confinement and no work furlough.

Sounds hellish to us, but Michelle Rodriguez is bound to enjoy it. Last time she was in prison – for a full four-hour stretch in 2006 – Michelle Rodriguez announced that:

"I'm a gypsy. I can see beauty in a jail cell."

So, by treating her sentence as a six-month jail cell beauty-finding expedition, Michelle Rodriguez will focus on the positives and get through her jail term easily. And it's not even as if Michelle Rodriguez's statement was that stupid in the first place – that time Crosseyed Mary The Attempted Murderer wrote 'Kill Me Now' in shit on the wall of the cell that Michelle is about to inherit, holding the turd like a dirty biro, was an awful lot like Van Gogh painting that famous picture of his, or something.

Anyway, Michelle Rodriguez will be spending her time at the Century Regional Detention Facility, which is the same jail that Paris Hilton got to spend three weeks of her time in earlier this year. So who knows, perhaps she'll leave in six months full of the same determination to make the world a better place as Paris did. Maybe she'll even even up getting naked and painting herself gold like Paris, too.

In which case we're taking that comment about God making everything OK for us in 2008 back right now.

Read more:

Michelle Rodriguez begins 6-month jail term - Reuters