By our estimates, Ashlee Simpson has now been pregnant for something like 400 years, approximately zero seconds of which have been remotely interesting.

But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.

It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ‘singing to his unborn baby’ as ‘screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.

It can’t be long before Ashlee Simpson gives birth, surely. We’ve lost count of how long she’s been pregnant for, so let’s do some backwards maths and find out. Pete Wentz proposed to Ashlee Simpson back in April, and we know now that he only did that because he accidentally knocked her up and then started to panic about it, so that’s, what, five months?

Christ, really? Ashlee Simpson’s still got another four months of pregnancy to go? That’s depressing. Not for us, you understand – in fact, every second without a magazine coverstory about those two Manga-haired wazzocks and their newborn baby is like an eternity in heaven for us – but for the kid itself.

Why? Because at least once its been born the baby can hide or crawl off or carjack a bus or whatever it takes to get away from Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Right now it’s trapped with them.

Worse still, the baby is encased in a chamber of amniotic fluid inside Ashlee Simpson at the moment. That means that, while it might be mildly irritating for you when Ashlee Simpson prattles on about nothing all the time, for the baby it’s like being trapped in a swimming pool with the wave machine turned on. That’s tantamount to abuse, surely.

But if that’s not enough, the baby also has to listen to Pete Wentz actually singing at it. Wentz has been speaking to People about the musical direction he’s taking the pregnancy in:

“That’s probably going to be all up to Ashlee – what she picks,” Wentz said. “I couldn’t be like, ‘Oh, you’re going through labor, here’s the music I want you to listen to.’ So, it’s whatever she picks.”  That may include his own vocals. Wentz said he sings to the baby “late at night …. Baby’s gotten a couple lullabies.”

Which is all well and good, save for a couple of salient points. First off, Pete Wentz is only the bassist in Fall Out Boy, which means that he’s either got a voice like a burning monkey enclosure or he’s only singing the basslines to the lullabies. Either way, the baby loses.

Secondly, Pete Wentz needs to look out for the latter stages of the third trimester. That’s notoriously when unborn babies start to rebel, so he shouldn’t be surprised if his kid renounces Fall Out Boy as bland pop rubbish and starts getting into My Chemical Romance instead soon.