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Liam Gallagher To Take His Lazy Eye… Sorry… Beady Eye On Tour Of UK

by Mof Gimmers

Many of your were keen to outpour your grief and disappointment when Liam Gallagher’s new band – Beady Eye – released their new single on the world. Chances are, you were hoping for something that sounded like Oasis and, sadly for Liam, it sounded more like Alvin Stardust. However, that won’t stop you from carrying [...]

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New Video: Beady Eye ‘Bring The Light’

by Mof Gimmers

When Oasis split up, many of us breathed a massive sigh of relief. They’ve been churning out toothless, thundering-pain-in-the-stomach rock for so long that it really did seem like they would fulfil Damon Albarn’s prophecy of becoming the new Status Quo. However, they did the right thing and split up before one of the Gallagher [...]

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Oasis’ Gallagher Gives Away New Single For Your Vague Interest

by Mof Gimmers

It’s a good thing that Oasis split-up. This is because, should the band have continued, Liam or Noel Gallagher would have probably killed each other, which would have meant a reappraisal of Oasis’ back catalogue and dreadful, sycophantic mewings over just how ‘great’ they were. Instead of becoming rock martyrs, they’ve been left to shuffle [...]

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Taylor Swift To Get Perfume Range That Probably Doesn’t Really Smell Of Anything

by Mof Gimmers

In recent years, it seems that just about anyone can get their own range of perfume. Jade Goody even got one! It seems that you don’t have to be famous for a prolonged period or, indeed, a celebrity associated with fashion… you just get one simply by being. Even the bloody Sex Pistols have a [...]

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Taylor Swift And Jake Gyllenhaal To Become Most Dreary Couple In History

by Mof Gimmers

If rumours are to be believed, then Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be about Jake Gyllenhaal. That means, of course, her next album is going to be filled with boring love songs or boring break-up songs. The only thing that’s certain is that it will be more tedious than eating Rich Tea biscuits [...]

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Taylor Swift Loves Being Single! Does That Mean She Enjoys Being Lonely Or Dropping Her Knickers?

by Mof Gimmers

Taylor Swift  – musical cress – has had a bumper 12 months or so, rising to baffling stardom with the twee-est, more Dawson Creeky music ever written and, of course, finding  time to get involved in the lamest beef ever with Kanye West. And like all whining singer-songwriters, she’s rather fond of baring her soul [...]

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Uptight Ninnies Hate Britney Spears’ Naughty Song-Language

by Stuart Heritage

Since it’s been about 18 seconds since Britney Spears last got into trouble, we’re well overdue a new outrage.

And, God bless Britney, that’s what we’ve got. The new Britney Spears single is called If U Seek Amy – which, when said quickly, sounds a bit like ‘F-U-C-K me’. And parental groups have reacted furiously to this.

Not because of the bad language, you understand, but because of the inaccuracy. Nobody wants to F-U-C-K Britney Spears any more, do they? They want to vomit and run off because her scary red eyes are freaking them out. And she shouldn’t lie to kids.

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John Sergeant Proves He Doesn’t Get It, Records Christmas Song

by Stuart Heritage

Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular.

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.

Thanks to his talent for shuffling around on a shiny floor, panting and wheezing like a saggy weeble having a coronary, John Sergeant has never been more popular. And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes - he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona's place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That's a dealbreaker. But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo... what? John Sergeant isn't too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he's bringing out a Christmas single? And it's a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here's a challenge - you've got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won't be able to.
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LISTEN: New Guns N’ Roses Single Guffed Onto The Radio

by Stuart Heritage

Question: how long does it take Axl Rose to write a song that sounds like the theme-tune to Biker Mice From Mars?

Answer: however long it’s taken Guns N’ Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they’d see in their lifetime – the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses got officially played on the radio.

There’s a link to the song – also entitled Chinese Democracy – after the jump, but if you can’t be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn’t really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!

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Britney Spears’ Womanizer Single Honked Up All Over The Radio

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears is worse than we thought – far from making a full recovery, she’s actually regressed to the point where she can only robotically babble vowel sounds.

It’s true – Britney Spears’ new single got its official radio debut today, and she basically only does two things in it. First, Britney Spears just goes “Oh oh ooh ooh ah-ah-ah” over and over again like C-3PO getting a stinging nettle handjob, and secondly she says the word ‘womanizer’ 41 times in a row. We’ve forgotten what the song’s called.

So is Womanizer by Britney Spears going to be another hit? It had better be – we’ve always said that what Britney Spears is to be violently thrust into the spotlight a bit more.

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