And, God bless Britney, that’s what we’ve got. The new Britney Spears single is called If U Seek Amy – which, when said quickly, sounds a bit like ‘F-U-C-K me’. And parental groups have reacted furiously to this.

Not because of the bad language, you understand, but because of the inaccuracy. Nobody wants to F-U-C-K Britney Spears any more, do they? They want to vomit and run off because her scary red eyes are freaking them out. And she shouldn’t lie to kids.

For a woman who used to be able to start a newsworthy amount of public outrage simply by walking across a car park, Britney Spears’ parents have done an admirable job of keeping her out of trouble recently. How they’ve achieved this, nobody knows – we’re still convinced that it partially involves chaining her to a pole like a Russian dancing bear – but maybe they want to keep a closer eye on her.

You see, for all the miraculous career resuscitation that Britney Spears’ album Circus performed on her career, Britney still can’t resist dabbling with her old rebellious reputation from time to time. Not in a Golden Age Of Madness-era vagina-flash or psychiatric awaybreak or anything – Britney simply gave one of her new songs a title that, if you say it in the correct way, sort of spells out a swearword. And that song just happens to be her new single.

The song is entitled If U Seek Amy which, when sung, sounds as if Britney Spears is saying “F-U-C-K me”. Or “If you’re sick on me”. Or “Effusive Sikh army”. Or something. But whatever it is, it’s certainly filthy enough to warrant an angry tirade from the ever-reliable Parents Television Council, as the New York Daily News reports:

The song’s title, “If U Seek Amy,” is sung in such a way as to sound like a crass entreaty instead of advice for finding a girl, according to the Parents Television Council. “There is no misinterpreting the lyrics to this song, and it’s certainly not about a girl named Amy,” council President Tim Winter said.

Winter then went on to yell at R Kelly because his song Ignition probably wasn’t about cars, Def Leppard because that bit in Let’s Get Rocked that goes “I suppose a rock’s out of the question” probably wasn’t about geology and Iggy Pop because Cock In My Pocket almost certainly didn’t allude to experimental poultry transportation techniques.

However, we completely stand behind Britney Spears’ decision to release If U Seek Amy as a single. Sure, she might have wound up some stuffy old conservatives by doing it, but so what? The song absolutely reflects who Britney Spears is at this precise moment in time – a grotty, dead-eyed, robotic prostitute who you feel sorry for because not even a madman would ever dream of paying to have sex with her.

And for that, Britney, we salute you.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

And, now that the big hoo-hah about his resignation from Strictly Come Dancing has finally died down, the world of slightly tawdry opportunities has been opened to him. John Sergeant can now do whatever he likes – he can release a lazily-ghostwritten autobiography about his time on Strictly Come Dancing, he can take Kerry Katona’s place as the face of Iceland, he can even bring out his own perfume if he likes. But only if he decides to call it Gout by John Sergeant. That’s a dealbreaker.

But, no, John Sergeant is far too classy to try anything so shallo… what? John Sergeant isn’t too classy for any of that? In fact John Sergeant has such an inherent lack of class that he’s bringing out a Christmas single? And it’s a duet with Adrian Chiles from The One Show? Here’s a challenge – you’ve got all day to think of a worse idea than that. You won’t be able to.

As everyone knows, the traditional figurehead of Christmas is a jolly old fat bloke who can just about manage a single day’s worth of strenuous activity a year before needing to take several months off afterwards to recuperate. Everyone loves him, even though he looks like he’s enjoyed so much free booze and food in his life that he could keel over clutching his chest any minute.

But enough about John Sergeant, Christmas is also about Santa Claus, too.

John Sergeant’s talent for dancing like a hobbled pensioner trying to discharge himself from hospital without anyone noticing meant that he quickly became the people’s champion on Strictly Come Dancing. Or at least he was before he decided that he didn’t like lady Scousers with faces like sunken bread dough being nasty to him and resigned from the show in a flounce a couple of weeks ago.

But that happened a couple of weeks ago – a lifetime in reality TV shows. Now the people’s champion is Martina Navratilova or that bloke from Dollar or any number of the utterly interchangeable WAGs on I’m Not A Celebrity But I Still Expect You To Care About Me, and that leaves John Sergeant in something of a pickle.

With all the public goodwill towards him evaporating at a devastating rate, John Sergeant knows that he has to make a bold move to stem the tide; an all or nothing roll of the dice that will either consolidate his fame for years to come or see him wheeled out to the dustbin like a pile of broken-veined rubbish. So that’s what he’s done. And, as the News Of The World reports, the result literally doesn’t make any sense at all:

Strictly hero John Sergeant has swapped Cha Cha Cha for La La La – and recorded a SONG in a bid to be the Christmas No1. We can reveal that the flat-footed political journalist has teamed up with Adrian Chiles and Christine Bleakley of The One Show to make the charity single. An insider said: “John is such hot property right now and The One Show is delighted to have him involved. As for whether his singing is better than his dancing, the great British public will ultimately decide that.”

Oh, brilliant – a Christmas single. A Christmas single performed by the dreary-voiced man who used to be on the news and the dreary-voiced man who does the pointless show that comes after The Apprentice that reminds everyone exactly what happened on the episode of The Apprentice that they were just watching. Singing a song that reminds people about human suffering. Sounds like a winner to us.

Actually that’s slightly unfair of us – we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet, so for all we know it might be brilliant. To be fair, the primary reason we haven’t heard this Adrian Chiles/ John Sergeant Christmas song yet is because it almost certainly won’t be brilliant and we’ll end up wanting to hang ourselves by the start of the second verse, but still. Christmas, eh?

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Top Of The Chops – News Of The World

Answer: however long it’s taken Guns N’ Roses to record Chinese Democracy. Today is the day that many never thought they’d see in their lifetime – the day that the first single from Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses got officially played on the radio.

There’s a link to the song – also entitled Chinese Democracy – after the jump, but if you can’t be bothered, just imagine the background music from a 1980s regional ITV show about speedboats, but with a painfully long muttered intro that lasts for about an hour and doesn’t really go anywhere performed by a Stars In Their Eyes Axl Rose impersonator. Dr Pepper for everyone!

Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses was always going to be Axl Rose’s masterpiece. For close to 15 years now, he’s hunkered down in his studio, tweaking and primping his opus. Guest stars like Brian May, Shaquille O’Neal and the last 18 line-ups of Guns N’ Roses have been hired and fired. Even before a note of it was heard by anyone, it was clear enough that Chinese Democracy was going to be the most long-awaited overblown directionless muddle ever recorded.

And now it’s time to see exactly how much of a let-down Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses is going to be. After countless decade-long set-backs, Chinese Democracy is being released next month and, as is traditional, it is being preceded by a single, which is also called Chinese Democracy.

People, that single got its first radio play today. Reuters reports:

The title track from the upcoming Guns N’ Roses’ album “Chinese Democracy” will be available to download by U.S. radio outlets on Wednesday. Although some album tracks leaked this summer, this is the first authorized new music from the rock band in nine years.

Since Chinese Democracy has been sweated over for so long, it’s bound to throw the entire music industry spinning off into a thrilling brand new direction or – failing that – the 37-year-old men who liked Appetite For Destruction when they were 16 will buy it, listen to it once, maybe download two songs from it onto their iPod and never listen to it again.

Which will it be? Well, why don’t you listen to Chinese Democracy by Guns N’ Roses now and find out.

What do we think of Chinese Democracy? Funny you should ask. Well, aside from the fact that a full minute of the song is wasted between the guffy scene-setting intro and the widdly-woo explosion ending, and the fact that we’re almost certain that Axl Rose is singing “All I’ve got is Princess Di” in the chorus – which is factually incorrect because all he’s actually got is a set of rubbishy ginger dreadlocks and a bit of a tummy – we’re confident in saying that Chinese Democracy is certainly one of the best songs of the year.

It’s just a shame that the year in question is 1991.

It’s true – Britney Spears’ new single got its official radio debut today, and she basically only does two things in it. First, Britney Spears just goes “Oh oh ooh ooh ah-ah-ah” over and over again like C-3PO getting a stinging nettle handjob, and secondly she says the word ‘womanizer’ 41 times in a row. We’ve forgotten what the song’s called.

So is Womanizer by Britney Spears going to be another hit? It had better be – we’ve always said that what Britney Spears is to be violently thrust into the spotlight a bit more.

We can’t overstate this enough – Britney Spears needs a hit. As things stand, Britney Spears is actually the third most famous member of the Spears family, after noted author Lynne Spears and inadvertent underage topless model Jamie-Lynn Spears.

So Britney Spears needs to do something big to reclaim her title, and not big in the ‘cut all your hair off, pretend you’re the devil and terrify your own children’ sense, either. That’s so Old Britney. And now we’ve got New Britney – a woman who can wear clothes and mumble about God. You know, like a normal person. That big something needs to be more like that, please.

And maybe it’s Womanizer, the new single from Britney Spears’ new album Circus. Just the other day we played you a clip of Womanizer that was played on a radio station unofficially and got a DJ suspended, but now the full glorious version of Womanizer by Britney Spears has been aired in America and, well, it’s sort of OK.

Sort of. Womanizer shows a daring progression in Britney Spears’ sound, and not just because she’s flagrantly pinching from Katy Perry, either. It’s her voice. Apart for the 41 instances where Britney Spears says the word ‘womanizer’ in the manner that an aggressive cyborg would say the word ‘humanoid’ right before it shot you with its eye-lasers, Britney has developed a new voice trick.

Gone is that weird throaty noise that sounded like a kitten overdosing on cough medicine and in is a new noise – one that can only be described as ‘Flipper searching for hidden uranium with a broken Geiger counter’.

It’s hard to describe, so instead have a listen to Womanizer by Britney Spears for yourself.

We’re going out on a limb here, but Womanizer could be Britney Spears’ biggest hit for years. But only so long as she doesn’t screw it all up this time by covering her lovely blonde hair up or making a tacky video about a slutty waitress or anything. E! Online reports:

Earlier this week, the pop princess shot the song’s music video at L.A. hot spot Elevate and in the kitchen of the hip eatery Takami Sushi & Robata. A source tells E! News that she dons a long black wig for the video, adding, “Britney was wearing tight leather pants and a tuxedo top and vest, and she had fake tattoos running up and down her arms.”

Oh.

Britney Spears is actually back. Back doing singing and dancing an dancing and stuff. As we recently reported, the new Britney Spears album Circus will be released in December. But it’s going to be preceded by a single called Womanizer, and that single’s been leaked, and we’ve got it here.

So does Womanizer mark Britney Spears’ stunning return to cultural relevancy? It’s actually hard to tell, because the leaked version is 38 seconds long and sounds like it was recorded from a mobile phone onto another mobile phone in a tin bucket full of jelly down a well in space. But we’ll just assume that it doesn’t, anyway. We’re bastards like that.

The most exciting thing about having Britney Spears back isn’t that she gets to wear nice clothes again or that we don’t have to start each story about her with the phrase ‘Troubled pop starlet Britney Spears’, but that we’ll finally get to hear Britney’s take on the year she’s just had.

Britney Spears has always managed to pass comment on her life in song – whether in Lucky, where Britney wryly commented on the pressures of fame; Piece Of Me, where Britney wryly attributed part of her meltdown to the prevalent tabloid celebrity culture of the day; or I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman, where Britney wryly commented on what we assume to be her tattered hymen.

And since the new Britney Spears album is called Circus, we can safely assume that it’ll be a no-holds barred account of the swirling mayhem that’s engulfed her life over the last 12 months. Since that’s included a stay in a mental asylum and losing custody of her own children, we’re bracing ourselves for a gruelling, emotionally stark journey.

And that much is clear on the first single from Circus, entitled Womanizer. Thanks to a DJ in Nashville who played 40 seconds of the song while it was still officially embargoed and got suspended for it, leaked snatches of Britney Spears’ Womanizer are all over the internet, allowing us all to hear Britney’s eloquent description of her own harrowing personal nadir ahead of its release. It’s a bruising listen, so be warned…

You can really hear Britney’s anguish in every single one of her tinny, barely audible “ooh ooh ooh ah-ah-ah”s, can’t you? It’s tragic, really. The personal turmoil really shines through in the way she seems to have just ripped off that Katy Perry song. We’re in bits. Honestly we are.

But still, on a brighter note the artwork for Womanizer by Britney Spears has got a snake in it. Hopefully that means that every single from Circus will reflect each of Britney’s most memorable MTV VMA appearances. First Womanizer has a snake in it, then the second single will feature Britney Spears getting off with an old lady. And the third one will have a dumpy homeless man in a wig and a bikini stumbling around like he doesn’t know what’s going on. Ace.

Yes, that’s right – Britney Spears has got a new album coming out soon. According to a just-released missive from her record label, Britney Spears’ new album is to be called Circus and will be released on December 2, with a new single entitled Womanizer coming out next week.

It’s exciting stuff, but why has Britney Spears chosen to call her new album Circus? Well it’s easy – Britney Spears wanted to name her album after the best description for the inside of her own head. Other contenders for the album title were Swirling Kaleidoscope Of Terrifying Cackles, The Theme-Tune To Taxi On An Unrelenting Loop and Barely-Pulsating Gloop.

Britney Spears is now in something of a privileged position when it comes to releasing albums. When her last album Blackout was released, Britney Spears basically promoted it by smearing dog poo on a dress and mumbling three words to Ryan Seacrest and nothing else.

What that means is that however Britney Spears chooses to promote her new album Circus, it’s going to be seen as a dazzling comeback on the scale of her triumphant MTV VMAs appearance last week where Britney Spears looked terrified and vague and wasn’t allowed to speak for more than half a second at a time in case she went berserk but at least did it wearing quite a nice dress.

Oh, yeah. Circus. Did we mention that Britney Spears has got a new album coming out called Circus? And it’s being released in December? And a new single is exactly one week away? We did? Well here’s the information we’ve just been emailed by Britney’s record label Jive:

Britney Spears announces her sixth studio album, Circus, set for release December 2nd. The first single from the album is titled “Womanizer” and was produced by the up-and-coming Atlanta production team The Outsyders. The album release date coincides with Spears’ birthday. Jive Records is preparing her latest album, Circus, a follow-up to her critically well received album, Blackout. For her latest effort, Britney has enlisted a stellar group of established producers/writers that include Dr. Luke (who wrote and produced the album’s title track, “Circus”), Danja, Max Martin, Bloodshy & Avant and Guy Sigsworth (Madonna, Alanis Morissette, Bjork).

That all looks as if it’s in working order. Max Martin’s back working for Britney Spears again, which is a positive sign. Well, not a positive sign as such, but at least a sign that Britney’s making a return to the kind of infectious pop that was fashionable a decade ago. And, compared to Blackout, where Britney Spears tried to rip-off Justin Timberlake’s last album and ended up sounding like a horrible mixture between a paper jam and a dial-up modem from 1997, that can only make the fans happy.

But still. Circus. Really, Britney? Circus? Apparently Circus is named after her life since the release of Blackout, but we’d tend to disagree on the basis that no circus we’ve ever been to has ever featured a bald red-eyed woman sitting on a pavement bawling for her life because she’s mentally ill and the authorities have taken her kids away from her. Jugglers, yes, but not that.

If Britney Spears really wanted to name her album after what her life has been like recently, she should have forgotten about Circus and called it Bleak East-European Arthouse Movie About The Unending Futility Of Existence.

Anyway, we’ll just have to wait and see what Circus by Britney Spears is like, but fingers crossed that it’s a return to form. Especially because if it’s a real success Britney will end up releasing a fragrance also called Circus, and we’d quite like it the army of idiots who normally buy Britney Spears fragrances all ended up stinking of monkey shit and gypsies.

Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We’ll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton’s house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins!

OK, maybe it isn’t particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she’s probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it’s probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.

Nicollette Sheridan has always been our least favourite Desperate Housewife and, yes, that is mainly to do with how she spells her name. Look Nicollette, double up all of the letters in your christian name or none at all. It’s either Nicolete or Nniiccoolleettee. Make your mind up and stop wasting our time. Grr.

But also our irrational dislike of Nicollette Sheridan is down to how bloody smug she looks. You can imagine her swanning around the Desperate Housewives set in the knowledge that everyone’s seen Marcia’s tits and Teri’s got shards of glass in her eye and Eva’s husband is crap at sex and the other one’s married to a man who looks like a water vole, all while she’s engaged to Michael Bolton.

Yes, the Michael Bolton – giant-haired performer of hits like How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends and Can I Touch You… There. No wonder Nicollette Sheridan was the envy of the world, or at least the part of the world who hadn’t just assumed that Michael Bolton was dead or incapacitated somehow.

Nicollette and Michael have enjoyed an on again off again relationship, getting together in the 1990s before splitting up and then getting back together and becoming engaged in 2006. But now it’s over, it’s definitely over forever and that’s that.

That’s literally that – there aren’t any juicy inside details or anything, Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan were engaged and now they’re not – so here’s BBC News with some inane non-news anyway:

The 44-year-old actress, who plays Edie Britt in Desperate Housewives, was born in Worthing, West Sussex. Bolton, 55, has sold more than 50 million records.

So what now for Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton? Well, chances are Nicollette will plunge herself into work and keep making more episodes of Desperate Housewives until every person on Earth has completely forgotten that it even exists and Michael Bolton will probably just go off and honk into his saxophone like some sort of rubbish wanker.

No wait. That’s Curtis Stigers isn’t it? Pfff.

For once we decided not to leave ourselves open for getting something wrong and remembered that you can’t physically get hold of this new tune from the UK’s worst drug-taking band, Keane.

Unless you’re one of those posh industry types, this song is unavailable to buy on CD, vinyl or even from one of those fancy digital downloading services. Though we assume it’s on file sharing sites alongside the mis-titled new Elvis and Frank Sinatra album.

Usually we don’t bother telling you how awesome or shoddy a single is, but seeing as it’s free release that didn’t get that much publicity compared to other free downloads, offered by the likes of Radiohead and Sigur Ros, we thought we’d make you aware. Spiralling is taken from Keane’s yet to be released (but probably available illegally on the internet) third album Perfect Symmetry.

Gone are the earlier vocals of fatter-looking lead man Tom Chaplin, who previously sounded like a choir boy whose angelic vocals had crashed head on with him breaking into puberty. 2008 sees a different and experimental sounding vocal style – maybe it was the cocaine, we don’t know, but he seems to be taking on a bit more of an aggressive edge to his singing style. Gone is the quite timid whimper that was sometimes a bit awkward to listen to, but still delighted thousands of Radio 2 listeners.

When trying to work out the reason for this change, it may not be down to him snorting cocaine off the arsecrack of a model. Tom may have been given peppermint tea before the vocal take instead of mint tea. It would piss us off, that’s for sure.

Following strange lyrics from Feeder and their single We Are The People, Keane have managed to arrange the lyrics into questions for fans to answer. Hooray for interactive fun! Instead of the song breaking down and building back up again as per usual we are instead hit with a barrage of questions. Don’t worry, they won’t fry your brain – Chaplin asks if we want to:

“Be a winner, Be an icon, Be Famous, Be the President, Start a war, Have a family, Be in love.”

Because we’re nice, we’ll give you the answers:

“We already are – ask Alan Mcgee, only if it involves free things off PR people, only if we didn’t have to campaign for a year, no – because we struggle to even start a computer up sometimes, we are one happy family and yes – but not with the people from Keane.”

The lyrics are a bit too kooky for a band as commercial as Keane, and they would work better coming from some pissed off communist rapper who is integrating you through his lyrics and why you are a sucker to globalisation.

Not from a posh podgy boy and his mates whose idea of fun on a Friday night is ringing doorbells and running away whilst laughing like people who’ve just seen a pair of tits for the first time.

So what about the music? Well the two bods who no-one seem to know about are still performing. Richard Hughes still bangs the drums and Tim Rice-Oxley is still on the keyboard.

After two albums of just using the boring piano and not even altering the pitch Rice-Oxley has discovered the effects button and decided to jazz things up a bit. Sadly this new direction of incorporating diluted electronic sounds and vocal tweaks doesn’t work.

At best the song sounds like a shoddy remix using the successful song formula that Keane constantly used with songs such Somewhere Only We Know and Everybody’s Changing. With so much free music software for bedroom producers to use, it really just sounds like someone has attempted to remix the older tracks and failed badly.

Oh, and let’s not forget that the daring leap of going hip and copying the dying trend of indie bands with synthesizers simply falls flat on its arse. As this is a free release, we can only hope that the real version suddenly appears and those crazy Keane boys have pulled an early April fool on us, or it’s never going to be anything more that poor.

Still, it’s only a free download. If you don’t like it, e-mail the song around as one of those crap joke chain messages. Title it as “best thing you’ll ever hear” before deleting the song off of your computer and freeing up the space it took up for porn or a better sounding track.

There are a lot available. Trust us.

And, ladies, here’s some good news – George Clooney is single again. If reports are to be believed, George Clooney has split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson after a year together.

That’s right, the world has a brand new unattainably handsome and charming millionaire for you to beat yourself up over because deep down you know he wouldn’t give you a second glance in a crowded room even if you spent 15 hours making yourself look pretty. Girls, George Clooney is as good as yours! Maybe you won’t always be single and lonely after all!

Relationships break up for all kinds of reasons. There are fiery one-off arguments, creeping mutual resentment, adultery, mysterious anonymous voicemail messages urging you to ‘dump the bitch before you’re sorry’ – the list goes on and on.

That last one, by the way, might be a reason why George Clooney has apparently split up with his girlfriend Sarah Larson. It might not be, of course – that mysterious anonymous voicemail message George Clooney received last month urging him to ‘dump the bitch before you’re sorry’ might have just been a coincidence. Who knows?

All we know is that George Clooney and his long-term girlfriend Sarah Larson are no longer together. Unless they are, but they’re probably not. People reports:

George Clooney and his girlfriend Sarah Larson have split up after a year of dating, a source tells PEOPLE. The actor’s rep, Stan Rosenfield, would only say: “We do not comment on George’s personal life.”

This news is bound to come as a profound disappointment to George Clooney, because he’d invested so much more in Sarah Larson than with any of his previous girlfriends. For instance, when George Clooney took the big step of busting up his rib falling off a motorbike, he wanted Larson to be there to smash up her foot with him.

Not just that, but Sarah Larson was the first girlfriend who George Clooney ever took to the Oscars. We can’t imagine why he never took his previous girlfriend Lisa Snowdon to the Oscars, other than the fact that – judging by her role on Britain’s Next Top Model – she looks, acts and dresses like a total embarrassment.

However, that’s all by the by now, because George Clooney and Sarah Larson have split up and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it.

But perhaps you think you have what it takes to be George Clooney’s new girlfriend. If so, you certainly have a hard act to follow – not only was Sarah Larson young and pretty enough to have a bunch of grubby, kind of lesbian photos taken of her in her youth, but she was also a Fear Factor champion.

That last one’s key for any prospective George Clooney girlfriends, by the way – because only being forced to drink a pink of liquidised maggots and congealed cow blood can prepare you for sex with with George Clooney. He’s like 90 years old or something.

On Sunday it was revealed that former Big Brother housemate Chanelle Hayes’ attempts to become a pop star had died a death, with her new single I Want It limping into the charts at 63. However, while most people have reacted to this news in the correct way – with a disinterested shrug – Chanelle’s Big Brother ex-boyfriend Ziggy Zichman has publicly called her efforts ‘laughable.’

Ziggy, of course, is an expert on the music industry because he was in Northern Line and their last single got all the way to number 27. Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is this – shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up. Shut up.

It’s not an exaggeration to say that we’re dreading Big Brother this year. Literally dreading it. Not for Big Brother itself, but for the moment it ends. That’s when the Big Brother housemates stop being fun people locked in a box on TV and become dreadful grasping attention-seeking “yes, that’s right, it’s me” zero-grade sub-celebrities living off a non-existent sense of entitlement who’d turn up to the launch of a baby murdering factory so long as there were nibbles and a chance that someone from Heat would take a picture of them standing next to a baby’s head on a spike.

And a new Big Brother means that there’ll be 15 more of these fuckers wanking around outside pikey nightclubs come September. That’s what we’re dreading. However, maybe the great British public has come round to our way of thinking, because it certainly couldn’t give that much of a shit about Chanelle Hayes any more.

Despite being a constant fixture in magazines and tabloids, a judge on some pointless digital reality TV show which we believe was called Chanelle: Squawk Arse Urgh and the star of a video showing her getting dicked by a muppet recently, Chanelle’s shot at pop superstardom – a song called I Want It that we won’t pretend to have heard – has utterly failed, only getting to number 63 in the charts.

While the good news about this is that Chanelle now has to make good on her promise to quit music forever, the bad news is that vapid leatherfaced spunkbag Ziggy Lichman has seen his opportunity to wade in on the matter as well. You remember Ziggy, don’t you? He and Chanelle had the world’s least convincing relationship during Big Brother last year. They did that thing that everyone talked about, remember? No, us neither, and we were professionally obligated to write about the bloody thing in excrutiating detail.

Anyway, even though nobody has so much as thought about Ziggy over the last eight months – nobody, not even his own family – Ziggy’s still found the time to tell the world what he thinks about Chanelle’s pop failure. The Sun reports:

Chatting at the Soccer Six tournament on Sunday, the former boyband star said: “It’s laughable really. I saw the video of Chanelle having sex with a gopher and it was terrible. We all thought it would bomb and it has. You have to give her a bit of credit for giving it a go though.” He added: “I’m glad the whole saga with Chanelle and I is over. She think she’s better than everyone else and is not in touch with anyone from Big Brother any more. She used to be friends with the twins but she’s even shut them off now.”

Ziggy, let’s not forget, is effortlessly qualified to talk about failure – having dedicated himself to the art for several months now – so we should heed his word to an an almost biblical degree. As for you Chanelle, you’re allowed one microscopic Hotel Babylon cameo and then you must proceed directly to doing soulless dead-eyed porno video inserts for Television X.

And if anyone from this year’s Big Brother happens to be reading: if you come anywhere close to releasing a single after you’re evicted, you deserve everything you get.

Read more:

Ziggy: Chanelle is laughable - The Sun

In the beginning, Big Brother was a crazy experiment which for once didn’t involve cutting people open or giving them drugs which would result in the growth of an extra eye. Instead, it was set to monitor the results of living in a controlled human environment. Or as most viewers interpreted it, a chance to maybe see some people have sex. But as time has gone on, the experimental phase has vanished and contestants have used Big Brother as a platform to launch a career. None are ever successful and, brilliantly for us, we get to see them crash and burn.

It’s now the turn of Chanelle Hayes.

The ninth series of Big Brother is due to hit the UK in a couple of weeks, which only means we will be in store for more tantrums, bitching, crap romances which will end six months after the show finishes, swearing, potentially racist comments and someone to become the new national idiot.

Every year, one of the contestants annoyingly lingers around like a bad fart once the show has ended. Unfortunately for us, it’s Chanelle Hayes, a woman who still seems like the hideous creation of someone determined to show us the opposite of how humans should act and behave around around others.

Jesus, was she an annoying cow. Listening to a car alarm for half an hour or shitting glass seemed more appealing that sitting through her endless tyrant of squeaks, moans and arguments with anyone who’d listen.

Amazingly, Chanelle was somehow signed by a talent agency. Not because she had any talent or credibility, but because if she took her clothes off, opened her mouth and looked vaguely seductive, blokes could imagine she was about to give them a blowjob.

After modelling and destroying TV shows, Chanelle has now turned her hand to singing. Of course, it’s absolute bollocks and Chanelle is the only one deluded enough to believe that it will actually sell. Because everyone suddenly likes dance music, this is genre that she’s gone and destroyed. Her single I Want It is a bland slab of Balearic house which hasn’t exactly had leading DJs queuing up in order to play it.

But let’s give Chanelle some credit. Because she knows it’ll bomb, she’s said:

“I’ve spent time in the recording studio and I’ve got all these songs for an album so if the single is a success then I’ll do an album. But if it’s not then I won’t inflict any more pain on you all!”

Good, she’s soon to be gone when her single crash lands in at number 178. However it’s not all good news. With a new series of Big Brother on the way, we can only guess that’ll they’ll be another gaggle of plebs emerging who’ll want to launch a dream singing career.

So more than likely we’ll run the same story next year and just replace ‘Chanelle Hayes’ with some other idiot. You’ll never notice.

Read more:

Chanelle: I’ll Quit If Single Is A Flop - Digital Spy

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis is number one in the American singles chart, proving that not even global superpowers are immune to personality-free girls doing generally passable Whitney Houston impressions.

It's worth pointing out, though, that Leona Lewis is the first British female to get a US number one single since Kim Wilde in 1987. And if Leona Lewis keeps her head down and work hard, maybe she'll reach the same dizzying heights. That's right, the TV gardener/ health food commercial actor/ novelty Christmas single with the fat one from Smith & Jones combo is now well and truly within her grasp.

Of all the megastars that X Factor has ever produced – like Chico and, um, that crying Scottish boy we just mentioned and Emily the scarily violent schoolgirl – none have been bigger or more successful than Leona Lewis. Right from her first appearance on X Factor, it was a certainty that Leona Lewis would win – she had it all.

OK, not quite 'it all' as such – try and talk to Leona and all you'll get back is a tumble of meaningless robotic statements about how grateful she is and what and honour everything is and how she's wanted to sing since she was a little girl – but Leona Lewis was able to sing a bit like Whitney Houston and looked decent in pretty dresses, which is usually enough to win these things anyway.

And now Leona Lewis has surpassed all expectations after an appearance on Oprah helped push her single Bleeding Love to a coveted American number one spot. The Independent reports:

Yesterday Lewis's single shot to No 1 in the Billboard Hot 100, knocking Usher from pole position – the first British woman to top the US singles charts since Kim Wilde in 1987 with her cover of The Supremes' "You Keep Me Hangin' On"… Despite finding her music "very safe" and "overwhelmingly mainstream", the Billboard contributor Paul Sexton agrees that Lewis has undoubtedly hit the big time. "There's no denying she's a big star now," he said. "Getting to No 1 in America is a very big endorsement, whatever you think of her music."

What's all the more shocking is the chiming endorsement that Oprah Winfrey gave Leona Lewis when she appeared on her show: "Wow, wow, wow… Talk about a star is born. You're the real deal, girl," she told Leona on air – marking the first time in history that Oprah Winfrey has ever got excitable about anything on TV, with the sole exception of everything else she's ever encountered.

And Leona Lewis' success in America has meant that she's leapfrogged Amy Winehouse, who is yet to score herself a US number one despite all the attention she's got there. However, Amy Winehouse can win Grammys and Leona Lewis can't even win a Brit, so if Leona wants to start winning the critics over she should probably start huffing crack on videotape and cutting herself. Just a thought.

Read more:

The Oprah Effect: America's next big thing – The Independent 

Last year however, one person took offence to people bad-mouthing Britney Spears. This person was Chris Crocker, who amused the world one morning with his unmoving speech on how horrible we are to Britney Spears. His fifteen minutes of fame seemed to extend longer then anyone hoped. And whilst we’d thought that he’d finally fucked off, we haven’t heard the last off the whiney twat.

Now we have the leave Britney alone single. Filling your ears with glue and snorting chillies is more pleasurable.

If you have the courage, we have provided the link for you to listen to the supposed 'song'. However, we will not be responsible for any lost time you suffer through listening to this utter toss and we won’t replace any broken speakers that you've slammed repeatedly against the wall. 

Ironically it has to be said that in Crocker’s initial video of defending Spears, he slagged off the media for exploiting her vulnerability. The media still hounds Britney Spears and hecklerspray has enough articles on her to release a shoddy unofficial biography on her ups and then constant downs. Still, we find it extremely hypocritical of some deluded mentalist fan to coin it in from a song sampling his own rant. This comes despite his initial video trying to persuade people to stop making money off of Britney Spear’s back. Something the smug cunt is now doing. Digital Spy reports: 

“Crocker has released a dance track titled 'Leave Britney Alone' under the name Double J. The track appeared on iTunes yesterday and it has had more than a million plays.” 

After the guff Euro muck that recently clogged up the UK charts, it seems almost certain that the naive British public will download this quicker then they can cash in their giro.  

Read more: 

Crocker releases 'Leave Britney Alone' single - Digital Spy

You see, girlfriend’s got herself a new album coming out in April called E=MC2. Before you get too excited like we did, just know that there probably isn’t anything to do with Einstein’s Theory of Relativity on there.  

We took a little listen to the first single, Touch My Body, so we can tell you there’s probably nothing to do with anything on there.  

Okay, so maybe we haven’t had a record number of hit songs for a bunch of years in a row like Mariah Carey did, and maybe our legs aren’t insured for a billion dollars like Mariah Carey – the most we could get our legs insured for was about 50 bucks with a pop tart thrown in for the peg leg – but we still give ourselves full ridiculing rights when it comes to Mariah Carey.  

And so, we commence with a review of her just released single, Touch My Body. Of course it sucks. It’s not our style. We're not actually 13-year-old girls with little parental supervision smoking behind the school with our bare midriff muffin-topping over our Baby Phat brand jeans. It's left us wondering why we even bothered to listen in the first place. Oh, yeah. The whole ridiculing thing.   

We’ve kind of always carried the suspicion that Mariah Carey just wanted millions of crazed fans to rub their grimy, pervy hands all over her, but now she’s just come out and said it. And said it in a pretty studio canned way. See, the thing that was surprising about the song is the fact that Mariah Carey is a talented singer – we recognise the talent, loathe the presentation, alright? – and yet, her voice sounds like it’s received the Ashlee Simpson studio treatment where the voice is altered beyond recognition in an effort to be somewhat bearable to the listener. Maybe the production people are just doing that to all of the singers these days. Could we crank up that effect a notch with James Blunt, please? Thank you. 

Anyway, sometimes a song can be saved by the lyrics, sometimes by a catchy tune, and in this case, neither. Here’s a sampling of our favorite set of lyrics. They’re so moving and deep: 

If it's a camera up in here
Then its gonna leave with me when I do, I do
If it's a camera up in here
Then I best not catch this flick on youtube, youtube

Cause if you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
I will hunt you down
Cause they be all up in my business like a Wendy interview
But this private between you and I 

Okay, everybody got that? Mariah Carey’s just laid down the rules for lovin’ her. Tape it? Yes. YouTube? No. And then let’s go gets some Wendy’s afterwards.

And if you're feeling a bit masochistic, or pseudo-street, you can listen to Touch My Body here: 

Read more:

Mariah Carey Debuts New Single – People

Russell Brand loves Morrissey so much that he's got a pet cat named Morrissey, and every time he's tried to interview Morrissey he's quickly dissolved into giggling fits of awkward schoolboy fandom. And now Russell Brand's love for Morrissey has been reciprocated. No, Morrissey hasn't bought a cat and named it Russell Brand – there's a chance the cat might have come from another country and partially helped to destroy the British identity, meaning that Morrissey would have to knock it unconscious with a spanner and throw it out of the window, or something – but he's letting Russell Brand be in his new video. According to an email we just got off some bloke:

Popular comedian, TV star and noted author Russell Brand is to star in the promo video for Morrissey's forthcoming single That's How People Grow Up. That's How People Grow Up is due for release on 28th January, one week prior to a 15 track Greatest Hits which spans his unique 20-year solo career.

The video to Morrissey's new single hasn't been released yet, so we can't tell you if it's good or a self-indulgent bag of cock. But, you know, take a guess.