hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.

So is she?

Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.

So what makes people think Clarkson is a lavenderist? Well, it seems to revolve around two things:

1. She’s single.

2. She’s not thin. Sometimes.

And so, with that, she absolutely must be dining at the hooded buffet, right?

Well, the singer revealed:

“People are really concerned about my relationship status. When I tell people I’m happy being single, they don’t believe me. They say: “You have to be miserable being alone.”

Yes, but when you’re not being happily alone, are you fingering women?

“I’m not gay. If I was, I’d say ‘I love women!’ That’s why it drives me nuts. But I feel like even if I did say it, people would be like: ‘You’re just trying to do that to win the gay audience.’”

Poor Kelly Clarkson. She’ll have to carry on staring at pictures of disgusting male members online ’til this all blows over. Or she releases a decent record. Whatever comes first really.

Cock it is.

Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.

And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.

She’s admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.

Cox said:

“No guy’s asked me out. I’m not saying I’m not ready to have a make-out session, it just makes me nervous. I don’t like to go out in general.”

Then, she talked about sticking her hand down her kecks and having a crygasm.

“I have sexual feelings, there’s ways to deal with that. It’s time for me to get out there. It’s not easy to meet people. They don’t call me.”

“I’ve not had a man since David… [I've] made out with one guy.”

The guy in question is a celebrity and no, we don’t know his name. Let us just assume she tapped-off with one of the cast of Friends. Maybe that staring, beady eyed coffee guy with the German name.

(Shh. It’s totally co-star Josh Hopkins)

Either way, one thing we’ll all have to live with now, is the thought of Cox’s weirdly taut body trembling with self-abasement while she’s gawping at online smut with a hand up her skirt.

No. We won’t pay for your dry-cleaning bills if you just lost your breakfast.

If you were asked to sum up the Jackson family, how would you do it? Some people might call them the greatest collection of siblings who ever entered a recording studio. Others might comment on how inferior Janet and LaToya were compared to Tito, Jermaine and Randy.

Most people would say that the entire family were complete fruit loops.

However, we’d like to comment on how the Jackson family manage to pick the worst possible time for any new release. A brand new greatest hits album from Michael followed weeks after heart went all funny and of course, there was the tribute concert that was accidentally scheduled at the same time as the Dr. Conrad Murray trial. Some would say this was done for financial gain.

Cynical, cynical people.

As we all know, ‘Sexy’ Dr.Conrad Murray was convicted for administering all sorts of funky drugs into Michael Jackson. That should be it as far as we’re concerned. The poor sod’s rotting corpse can now get some peace. But not if the Jackson estate and pesky Brian May get their way.

Musical collaborations happen all the time. Most of them are a poor excuse for one of the artists to leech on to someone more successful than themselves and climb the ladder toward popularity again. Nowadays, people don’t do it for the love of the music; instead it’s for soundtracks where, if it the song turns out to be a disaster, everyone will have forgotten about it months later.

It’s safe to say that some collaborations have been safely locked away where nobody will ever get a chance to hear them. Probably because they’re rubbish. One such recording that was made in the eighties – a time that’s renowned for crap music- was between the king of pop Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury.

These days he wouldn’t get a look in. We have Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol for God’s sake.

Nowadays, Queen are fronted by Brian May, a man who is most famous for playing on the roof of the Queen’s house and demonstrating that white people can’t pull off an afro. Speaking about the potential release that ironically didn’t feature his input the first time, he said:

“The Michael Jackson estate are happy for us to go ahead with the music. But it’s not something that we can rush.”

Well that’s good to know isn’t it? A song from 1983 is going to be given a technical modern remix thanks to a bunch of old men providing some guitar work. We’re positive it’s what Michael would have wanted. But why release this now and not when Michael Jackson and Freddie Mercury were alive? Surely this stinks of a cash in? According to the floppy haired one, it supposedly isn’t. May said:

“I don’t work on things with the aim to make money or for promotional reasons. I work on things with the view ‘to let’s see how it goes. When it is something we feel is worthwhile then it’s nice if we could get it out there.”

We pray that this release doesn’t get a release. With Michael Jackson and Queen fans not being mentally stable, this single will only spark off the apocalypse and see them kill off anyone who doesn’t appreciate “the musical genius”.

Thankfully, no release date has been set. But when we get news, we’ll let you know so you can gather supplies and lock yourself in an underground bunker.

Have you seen the new video that Beyonce has made? She’s got a new record out called Countdown which is a little off-kilter. It might be rubbish, it might be great… we’ll have to let it bed in or something first.

But that doesn’t matter.

This is about her new video. Cor. Her new, splendid, attractive video where she looks really, really great in a variety of really great ways. Have you seen it? Have you? She looks amazing. Really amazing. Watch it over the jump. She’s amazing.

Beyonce goes through a variety of costume changes… all of which are totally amazing… and she looks really great too. Amazing. So very, very amazing.

She’s got amazing short hair. Then really amazing long hair.

*dribble*

She looks like a ’60s Motown sexbomb at one point. Amazing. Then she looks like Tina Turner, only more amazing. Stupidly amazing.

*takes trousers off*

Then she does an amazing dance routine. It’s the best dance routine ever. Really it is. Because Beyonce is amazing. She so amazing. Really, really amazing.

Have you seen it yet?

It’s amazing. Just… uh… gotta go and sort something… ummm… it won’t take a minute…

*gets off with Beyonce’s new video*

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Every week, Badvertising takes a look into the murky backwaters of advertising as we call out the idiotic decisions of committees and advertising companies who thrust their intellectual vomit down our throats. This week is slightly different as we’re a little worried.

Normally we watch adverts and can identify the fact that the mysterious hand of the ‘Ad Men’ in every second of the video. Usually, their influence is obvious; ear-worms, repetition, hideous sexism designed to cater a product to knuckle-dragging oafs who believe a woman’s place is in the kitchen, hideous sexism designed to cater to pseudo-feminists who believe that every man on earth is a knuckle-dragging oaf who believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen and annoying recurring characters. That sort of thing.

This week, join Dep Ed Michael as he worries that the people from Plenty of Fish might have missed an important factor in their latest ad. Find out what it is over the jump…

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Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls’ eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who’ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl’s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Gomez’s romance with the seven year old dwarf singer, angered his tiny milk-teeth grinding fans. They really didn’t take kindly to their crush being taken away from them. As such, comedic messages of badly spelled hate were sent her way: Was this the reason that Selana kicked Bieber’s barely developed bottom to the curb?

Somebody muttered:

“She doesn’t feel Justin is quite mature enough yet to be in a long-term, stable relationship. She’s in the market for someone a little older and more worldly-wise and she was as unhappy about Justin’s friendship with bad boys Chris Brown and Sean Kingston.”

Friends with Sean Kingston and Chris Brown? Alarm bells would start ringing in any sane minded persons head. After all, we all know that part human, part muppet creation Sean Kingston has the uncanny ability to try and crack open his brains on Miami bridges.

As for Chris buck toothed Brown? We guess that Selena Gomez is one of the few ‘celebs in America to realise that punching someone in the race, regardless of their gender or status shouldn’t be allowed to regain popularity. But if smashing a chair through a window when asked questions about domestic assault makes you LOL, then Chris Brown must make a lot of people happy.

After a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle with his blanket and kissing practice with his hand, Justin Bieber will bounce back to seduce some lucky child. If Michael Jackson was still with us, we’re sure an invite to Neverland would have already landed on his doormat.

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There was a distinct dampness in the air around the world last night. Meteorologists struggled to explain the phenomenon which seemed to emanate from the Hollywood hills. However, when it was officially announced that Hollywood heart-throb and all round photogenic guy George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis had parted ways the meteorologists were allowed to go home as the explanation was suddenly self-explanatory.

The actor, who played Danny Ocean in the surprisingly good remake of Ocean’s 11 (and its subsequent awful successors), and the Italian actress who began dating two years ago, issued a joint statement declaring that they were “not together any more” which will no doubt lead to a surge in the number of missing women the world over as they run away to stalk the chiselled star.

Something that we all have to remember is that George might need some time to get over his split with his girlfriend. We don’t want to see you all running out and getting divorces because something better’s finally come along. There’s no guarantee that George would even touch you, let alone give you one. Let’s bear that in mind before you get all nutty.

Of course, you don’t really care about that, do you? You don’t even care about our vaguely humourous if slightly sweeping generalisation that all women want to sleep with George Clooney, do you? You just clicked on this story to see a picture of George Clooney, didn’t you? Fine.

Is that better? Would you like to read an extract from the statement now? Can you even focus on what we’ve written? The former couple added:

“It’s very difficult and very personal and we hope everyone can respect our privacy.”

Shortly after meeting, the couple were photographed riding a motorbike near Lake Como. That’s not important, we just thought that the inclusion of some attractive scenery might take your mind off his chiselled features but you’re just imagining lying by the side of a picturesque lake with him aren’t you? Christ.

He has a villa on the lake. Probably with a view of the glittering blue water. Your mind’s gone into something from a Mills & Boon novel now, hasn’t it?

We give up. There’s no point in trying to get you lot to pay attention if you’re just going to daydream.

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Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What’s that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn’t Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.

But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.

These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn’t last and soon split. So what’s the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?

If you clicked the jump to find out the answer, then you’ll probably be disappointed. Gavin Henson won’t be asking his mum what shirt goes well with stone washed denim jeans when it comes to impressing a girl down the local disco. After all, he is a D-list celebrity and is now hell-bent on finding any grain of work after having to put up with Charlotte Church for however long they were together.

We’re not sure what attracted Henson and Church to each other. They’re both from Wales, so could it be that some sort of law that stops breeding with other nations so the national accent can’t be lost? Charlotte was once an angelic church singer who gave performances for presidents and other world leaders. Then she got older and discovered the joys of the pub. Presumably, a more grown up Charlotte wanted to venture in to pastures new and decided to sing pop songs. This worked for a while, and then her career collapsed like an old lung.

This left poor Gavin looking for something else to keep his weird face in the spotlight. Step forward, reality TV!

For anyone unfamiliar with The Bachelor, it’s basically an American dating show where Gavin Henson looks to pick the right girl. Hilariously, there are 25 of the critters to pick from, so expect crying, bitching and fights as all the ladies backstab and scheme in order to get their man who they love and are not solely going after then for fame, money or a spread in Zoo Magazine.

For anyone that’s seen A Shot Of Love With Tila Tequila, the show will be like that, just without the lesbians. Though somebody might be persuaded by a producer to indulge in some lesbian experimentation, after all the show is being broadcast on Channel 5. No doubt the program will be billed as “edgy”, “exciting” and “fast paced.” In reality, we’ll gain more pleasure from whipping our genitals with barbed wire.

In case you care, Henson lied through his veneered teeth:

“I’m so excited to have been cast as The Bachelor as I really feel the time is right for me to find a girl to hopefully spend the rest of my life with. I’ve always been dedicated to my rugby and continue to train hard but as the season draws to an end I can focus on meeting the right girl. It can be hard in my situation to meet women and The Bachelor will give me the unique opportunity to go on some incredible dates and spend quality time getting to know amazing women from all over the UK.”

We’ll give any romance that blossoms from this grim program around two weeks before it wilts and dies. Unfortunately, it’ll also mean an eruption of Charlotte Church quotes as she slags off Gavin Henson for doing this project and she’ll no doubt call the chosen girl an ugly munter and complain that she isn’t as pretty as her.

We don’t know when this arrives to Channel 5. And we don’t care, so tough.

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Arse worshippers! Good news for your deluded selves! Pippa Middleton is single! Now, you shouldn’t let the fact she wouldn’t touch you with a stinky bargepole stop you believing you’re in with a shot of getting next to her now world famous behind!

Even though she’s now related to one of the most wealthy and powerful families of inbreeds on the planet, you should definitely think to yourself that somehow, she’s going to take kindly to a pleb like you, just like Prince William did when he married ‘a commoner’.

A commoner with a shite load of money.

Pippa had crisis talks with her bum and they both decided that it would be best if they didn’t have a relationship with someone called Alex Loudon, who accompanied her to the Royal Wedding in April.

This is good news for magazines who want to try and boost their ailing readership figures, as now she’s vulnerable and single, she won’t have a boyfriend to tell her not to appear on their pages in her knickers and vest.

Some friend who clearly doesn’t like her enough to keep their fat mouth shut, said:

“It is common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up”

It would appear that Loudon was no longer willing to live in the shadow of Middleton’s arse and its newfound celebrity. They’ll probably intend to stay friends, but ultimately, won’t.

Meanwhile, Pippa has been dossing with someone called Percy who is the son of the Duke of Northumberland. He sounds like a nice working class lad.

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The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.

Even they hate her.

Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fiancé Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.

That’s right. Fearne – who has all the personality of a blown light bulb – is no longer to be married, which is sad for her as she wouldn’t shut up about it around the time of the Royal Wedding, a ginormous event that was mystifyingly covered by the presenter with her flickerless, corpse eyes.

She met Jesse in 2008 while someone was daft enough to pay for Cotton to film in the US and, last year, they decided to get engaged. We assume that Jenkins went down on one knee and stared expectantly at Cotton for roughly 8 hours before the Radio One DJ finally stopped saying “classic” and “legend”, and realised what was going on before saying “Oh! I’ve seen this in films! What do I say?”

Eventually, after lengthy discussions, Jesse convinced her to get engaged to him, leaving Fearne to roam the Earth constantly reminding everyone that absolutely everything was “legendary”, including her woeful investigative journalism shows where she met luminaries such as Peaches Geldof.

Sadly, this break-up seems to be a rather clean one.

A spokesperson said:

“Sadly their relationship came to a mutual end last month. There is no-one else involved.”

Alas, that isn’t true. There was someone involved. Fearne Cotton was involved. And like all things involving Fearne Cotton, it was destined to result in disappointment.

Still, at least she can now focus on being a thing that barely occupies a pair of wellington boots over the TV coverage of the festival season.

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Many of your were keen to outpour your grief and disappointment when Liam Gallagher’s new band – Beady Eye – released their new single on the world. Chances are, you were hoping for something that sounded like Oasis and, sadly for Liam, it sounded more like Alvin Stardust.

However, that won’t stop you from carrying some hope that he’s got some decent tunes in his back pocket. Andy Bell was in Ride, and Ride were really great!

This means you might be interested in watching Beady Eye play some gigs, provided you’re willing to overlook just how shot Liam Gallagher’s voice has sounded for the past 5 years.

Tickets for the first ever Beady Eye tour go on sale this morning (November 26th) and this will be the chance for many to see just how Liam fares on his own and, quite possibly, enhance your reputation of Noel who managed to get this performing sealion of a man to sound as good as he did.

The full scale UK tour has been booked up and arranged, taking place in a three cities across the country – Glasgow, Manchester and London – tickets for the shows in March next year are now on sale. If you live in Birmingham or Northern Ireland, the message seems to be “tough tits”.

Lines open right now (10am), so start hitting refresh and furiously dialling numbers under the impression that these shows will sell out in seconds.

In fairness, they probably will thanks to Oasis’ fans curiosity over the project. Just don’t expect a rendition of Wonderwall at these gigs, okay? Click here for details and phone numbers.

Beady Eye have confirmed the following shows:

March
3 Glasgow Barrowland
4 Glasgow Barrowland
6 Manchester O2 Apollo
7 Manchester O2 Apollo
9 London Troxy
10 London Troxy

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When Oasis split up, many of us breathed a massive sigh of relief. They’ve been churning out toothless, thundering-pain-in-the-stomach rock for so long that it really did seem like they would fulfil Damon Albarn’s prophecy of becoming the new Status Quo.

However, they did the right thing and split up before one of the Gallagher brothers killed each other. But that wasn’t the end of it.

Of course, Liam has now formed Beady Eye, a band that imaginatively features the Oasis backing band put together by Noel. And their new single, ‘Bring The Light’, came out and thrilled as many as it confused. And now, there’s a promotional video to stare at.

The track itself, is clearly Liam digging into the vaults of John Lennon’s mind, this time, going toward Lennon’s obsession with Gene Vincent and Eddie Cochran (notably the latter, making a hash of ‘Somethin’ Else’).

However, this track does serve a purpose. It still retains a certain swagger that made everyone take notice of Oasis in the first place… a thing that is, even at its most irritating, is still more fun that watching mewing shagsacks like Florence and the Machine, Coldplay and Mumford and Sons all staring at their feet and meeeeaning it maaaaan.

And so, with OasisLite chugging through some ’50s-meets-’60s indierock, with a dash of added ‘Proud Mary’ Tina Turners in the background, they’ve got a video to show you and…

…you’ll probably hate it if you didn’t like Oasis in the first place and… well… if you did, Christ knows what you lot think. We haven’t got all day to try and work out whether you just like posturing singers or whether you genuinely are the thick-skulled hooligans you pass yourselves off to be when you go down the indie disco with a liver full of Stella.

Here’s Beady Eye’s new video.

It’s a good thing that Oasis split-up. This is because, should the band have continued, Liam or Noel Gallagher would have probably killed each other, which would have meant a reappraisal of Oasis’ back catalogue and dreadful, sycophantic mewings over just how ‘great’ they were.

Instead of becoming rock martyrs, they’ve been left to shuffle around some pub-rock world for thick-headed simpletons to thrill over each misguided swagger and V-sign.

However, the music won’t stop as Liam Gallagher and his new band Beady Eye are releasing their first single ‘Bring the Light’ as a free download.

That’s right – following in the footsteps of Radiohead and others (loads of others in fact – Radiohead are far from the first band to give their music away, however, they are a handy shorthand example of a band who did), Liam will be giving his new single away for free.

If you’re daft enough to care, the song will be available from 10.00am (GMT) or, if you’re American, 5.00am (ET) on their website www.beadyeyemusic.com on Wednesday, November 10, while the album, which was recorded over the summer, will hit stores in 2011.

To clarify, the single is given away for free, tomorrow. Okay? Got that thickos? Good.

Liam has, of course, joined forces with former Oasis bandmates Gem Archer (formerly of Heavy Stereo), Andy Bell (of the formerly brilliant Ride) and Chris Sharrock (a million bands).

And, to give you a sneak peak, here’s a video of the new band with a riff playing over it which could well be a snippet of the new single.

We just don’t know or care enough to find out.

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In recent years, it seems that just about anyone can get their own range of perfume. Jade Goody even got one! It seems that you don’t have to be famous for a prolonged period or, indeed, a celebrity associated with fashion… you just get one simply by being.

Even the bloody Sex Pistols have a perfume out, which is quite frankly, preposterous! And now, on the back of fragrances from Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian, Taylor Swift is now going to have a bottle of scented water launched with her name on it.

If you care even slightly, Taylor Swift will be making the perfume with Elizabeth Arden and it will be on the shelves in late 2011.

That’s right nostril owners!

On Monday, Elizabeth Arden announced the new Taylor Swift perfume and also revealed the signature Swift fragrance will be available in late 2011.

The Taylor Swift perfume doesn’t have a name or anything like that yet, but it is said that she’ll be involved in product development, packaging and marketing of the Swift perfume.

So what can we expect?

Well, it’s pretty obvious that it’ll be a twee affair. It’ll probably smell vaguely like flowers, grass and general outdoorsery, because Swift is like, y’know, a rural Earthy type.

The packaging will no doubt be all cutesy, pink and covered in butterflies and ribbons and be the most girlie thing ever released.

However, if it is to stay true to the personality of the singer, then it will have to be essentially a bottle of virtually unscented water that is somehow more boring that water itself.

Imagine a cup of lukewarm water left on a windowsill next to a scented candle and you’re aiming toward the right area for what this product will (should?) be like.

Unless of course, it is made from Taylor’s tears, spilled from her ducts when thinking about all those mind-crushingly dull boyfriends she’s had all these years.

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If rumours are to be believed, then Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be about Jake Gyllenhaal. That means, of course, her next album is going to be filled with boring love songs or boring break-up songs. The only thing that’s certain is that it will be more tedious than eating Rich Tea biscuits covered in cat litter.

Why doesn’t Taylor fall on the sword for her ‘art’ and go out with someone massively inappropriate like Randy Quaid or Dog The Bounty Hunter? That would ensure that her next album was a total hoot to listen to!

However, Taylor is insistent on dating people as dull as she is and apparently, she spend the weekend with Jake Gyllencan’tbebothertypinghisnameoutconstantly in New York city. They probably drank some coffee and sat silently in a park looking at ducks.

That’s not true actually. The date went like this.

She took him to a taping of Saturday Night Live (and by ‘taping’, you can assume that this meant going to see it being filmed, rather than the pair switched the TV but watched the digital numbers go ’round on her VHS recorder as it taped the show from the television – although that seems plausible) and when the lights dimmed, she told her bodyguard to sling his hook so that Gyllenhaal could sit next to her and nearly hold her hand.

A witness:

“They chatted a lot, but no kissing or hand holding or anything affectionate.”

If she’d dated Dog the Bounty Hunter, he would have sneakily got to second base and then leapt through the air to catch some criminal while shouting “Brah” at the end of every sentence.

Then, the coma-inducing duo spent the next day having brunch (the most boring of all meals) before taking a stroll in Brooklyn’s Park Slope neighborhood.

That’s where they probably silently stared at ducks.

And of course, Him From Donnie Darko will end up in a boring ditty:

Taylor says:

“Every person I’ve fallen for, they’ve all been a song. That kind of justifies [the exes] being in my life.”

God knows she didn’t pick up tips on how to give blow-jobs or anything vaguely interesting or salacious as that. If you date a Jonas brother, all you’re going to learn is how to constantly talk like you’re in a job interview.

Here’s hoping that Taylor Swift gets addicted to mind-bending drugs over the course of the next 12 months. Or a plane engine lands on her house. That’d be fun.

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