Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
hecklerspray is massively gay. We’re so queer it hurts. Even the straight ‘spreezies are super ‘mo. You don’t care about that. You want to know whether Kelly Clarkson is a lesbian, for whatever nefarious reasons you have.
So is she?
Well, she doesn’t give the ‘bian ‘bian vibe to us. Not one bit. She couldn’t possibly smell of sex with another woman. Not that this has stopped people speculating that she is. And Kel’ wants to tell us all about it.
Remember David Arquette running off with a young cocktail waitress, leaving?Courteney Cox all sinewy and single? It was horrible wasn’t it? Mainly because we had to think about David Arquette grunting over a young woman.
And now, we’re going to have to think about Courteney Cox writhing around and sweating as she’s back in the game. Kinda.
She’s?admitted that make-out sessions with men make her nervous. Talking to Howard Stern (who else?), she explained she’s been abstinent since separating from Arquette and his weird child face with a beard stuck-on.
If you were asked to sum up the Jackson family, how would you do it? Some people might call them the greatest collection of siblings who ever entered a recording studio. Others might comment on how inferior Janet and LaToya were compared to Tito, Jermaine and Randy.
Most people would say that the entire family were complete fruit loops.
However, we?d like to comment on how the Jackson family manage to pick the worst possible time for any new release. A brand new greatest hits album from Michael followed weeks after heart went all funny and of course, there was the tribute concert that was accidentally scheduled at the same time as the Dr. Conrad Murray trial. Some would say this was done for financial gain.
Have you seen the new video that Beyonce has made? She’s got a new record out called Countdown which is a little off-kilter. It might be rubbish, it might be great… we’ll have to let it bed in or something first.
But that doesn’t matter.
This is about her new video. Cor. Her new, splendid, attractive video where she looks really, really great in a variety of really great ways. Have you seen it? Have you? She looks amazing. Really amazing. Watch it over the jump. She’s amazing.
Every week, Badvertising takes a look into the murky backwaters of advertising as we call out the idiotic decisions of committees and advertising companies who thrust their intellectual vomit down our throats. This week is slightly different as we’re a little worried.
Normally we watch adverts and can identify the fact that the mysterious hand of the ‘Ad Men’ in every second of the video. Usually, their influence is obvious; ear-worms, repetition, hideous sexism designed to cater a product to knuckle-dragging oafs who believe a woman’s place is in the kitchen, hideous sexism designed to cater to pseudo-feminists who believe that every man on earth is a knuckle-dragging oaf who believes a woman’s place is in the kitchen and annoying recurring characters. That sort of thing.
This week, join Dep Ed Michael as he worries that the people from Plenty of Fish might have missed an important factor in their latest ad. Find out what it is over the jump…
Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.
Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls? eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who?ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.
The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl?s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!
There was a distinct dampness in the air around the world last night. Meteorologists struggled to explain the phenomenon which seemed to emanate from the Hollywood hills. However, when it was officially announced that Hollywood heart-throb and all round photogenic guy George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis had parted ways the meteorologists were allowed to go home as the explanation was suddenly self-explanatory.
The actor, who played Danny Ocean in the surprisingly good remake of Ocean’s 11 (and its subsequent awful successors), and the Italian actress who began dating two years ago, issued a joint statement declaring that they were “not together any more” which will no doubt lead to a surge in the number of missing women the world over as they run away to stalk the chiselled star.
Hello there reader. By any chance do you happen to be an egg chaser? What's that? You are! How bloody excellent, you probably fit into the 9% of the population who can name more than one rugby player who isn't Johnny Wilkinson or Gavin Henson. The only time the country cares about rugby is when the national team is about to win something and ironically the sport has better achievement rates than football.
But then again, fans of football look down on rugby lovers as they see it as inferior sport. Probably how doctors secretly mock vets for not being good enough to operate on humans.
These days, the only real household name associated with That Stupid Sport is Gavin Henson. He was once married to opera singer turned pop princess Charlotte Church. Unfortunately, the couple didn't last and soon split. So what's the best method to find a new partner? Seek the advice of friends of family? Or make a tit of yourself on a copied version of an American TV show? You can see where this is going can’t you?
Arse worshippers! Good news for your deluded selves! Pippa Middleton is single! Now, you shouldn’t let the fact she wouldn’t touch you with a stinky bargepole stop you believing you’re in with a shot of getting next to her now world famous behind!
Even though she’s now related to one of the most wealthy and powerful families of inbreeds on the planet, you should definitely think to yourself that somehow, she’s going to take kindly to a pleb like you, just like Prince William did when he married ‘a commoner’.
A commoner with a shite load of money.
The year is 2011AD and no-one has quite managed to work out what the point of Fearne Cotton is. Even her BBC bosses think she’s useless, but they persist in hiring her under the misguided notion that she appeals to Ver Yoof of Britain.
Even they hate her.
Still, at least Fearne has someone to go home to who will hold her and love her when all around are loudly booing and hissing at her, right? Wrong. That’s because she’s now as single as can be after it was announced that she’s split from her fianc? Jesse Jenkins. Presumably, he’s only just started to hear what people have actually been saying about his entirely hopeless ex.
