Jim Carey’s daughter Jane Carrey revealed on American Idol how she’s spent the past 24 years living in the lap of luxury, and riding golden ponies, all paid for by daddy’s money. Wait: we mean the exact opposite of that…

“He’s definitely not the most extravagant celebrity,” the daughter of rubber-faced comic Jim Carrey told American Idol viewers, adding that she’s a single mother whose been waiting tables for the last six years.

Ummm… what? There’s a difference between not being ‘extravagant’ and letting your daughter clean-up other people’s gobbed-out food for minimum wage.

Jim’s got it all wrong. For a start, ‘Jane Carrey’ – what’s up with that? The guy didn’t even have the decency to name her after a fruit or a space missile. People are just going to have to GUESS at where she was conceived as he couldn’t even be bothered to call her after the town.

What kind of start in life is that?

Unlike most celebrity spawn with a Jesus complex – famous because of their dad’s good work – Jane Carrey is rumoured to actually be able to sing, and hasn’t yet flashed her noo-noo at any paps. So what if she looks like Miley Cyrus who been covered in tar then rolled around in Primark.

There’s still hope for her yet. American Idol’s female contestants tend to be fat and crazy – like an army of bald-era Britneys. Plus, Pa Carrey is rumoured to be a Scientologist – a religion that would make more sense if it were based on the texts messages your drunk grandma sent the first time she used an iPhone.

Anyway. Here’s the video because that’s what you all came for:

Only America could host the idea of having a commercial about a commercial. And that’s exactly what VW have done in the build-up to the Super Bowl, which of course, is more of a marketing showreel than an actual sporting event.

Hell. American Football is barely a sport in itself. Ostensibly, it’s two teams of androids running at each other screaming. What’s not to like?

Anyway, the commercial about a commercial features a squad of dogs all in Star Wars garb and  together, they sing a very familiar tune. Click over the jump to watch it. And no, we’re not getting paid for this.

Last year, we saw VW flogging their Passat with an advert called ‘The Force’ which showed a little Vader trying to use his powers around the house.

The company behind that have come up with another Star Wars themed commercial and George Lucas obvious doesn’t mind coining it in for zero work. So how do you top Mini Vader? DOGS. And VW stuck out a teaser for the upcoming VW Super Bowl commercial.

And Super Bowl ads are not to be sniffed at. This year, companies are paying an average of $3.5 million for 30 seconds of advertising time in the big game (which is on February 5th).

But you don’t care about that.

You want to see a bunch of dogs dressed in Star Wars outfits singing a song don’t you? Keep an eye out for the AT-AT. Absolute show stealer.

Zooey Deschanel is one of those women people fancy when they haven’t seen her act in anything. Once you see her in a moving picture, you can’t help but wish her ill. That whole kooky, sub-standard Goldie Hawn thing she’s got going on? Loathesome.

She sings cutesy wutesy songs and cocks her head to one side while biting her lip, acting like she’s 10 years old despite being in her thirties. It’s creepy!

And so, it isn’t surprising at all to hear her say she got bullied so much at school, that people spat at her.

For anyone outraged, who read the last sentiment as an approval of spitting at Zooey Deschanel, you’re wrong. Although, that said, having seen New Girl, it’s not surprising that people would spit with venom, showering everything in sight as they swear at everything under the sky.

No. We’re not surprised that Zoeey has SAID she was bullied at school because that’s what kooky celebrities do. They were always bullied. There’s probably someone who went to school with her, reading this, thinking “Wait. She was really, really popular as far as I can remember!“

Deschanel told the mighty authority that is Allure magazine:

“Girls spit in my face. People were so mean to me. I’d cry every day.”

Poor Zoeey. Still, undeterred, she went on to study at Northwestern University in Illinois  and… well, get this…

“I went to Northwestern because I had gone to a really non-traditional high school. I was like, ‘It’d be cool to have a traditional college experience’. Then I was like, ‘Oh, but none of these people understand what’s cool about me. My specialness is not appreciated in this place.’”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GOD! OH SWEET BARE-CHESTED JESUS CHRIST ON HORSEBACK!

SHE IS SO IRRITATING!

So. Zooey Deschanel has a new show that is being shown on Channel 4 this very night at 8:30 post meridian. Of course, we’ve seen it and it won’t surprise you that we are characteristically unimpressed.

That said, looking on the bright side of any situation, like we uncharacteristically do, we’ve managed to find five things that are good about New Girl (8:30, Channel 4).

And here they are, over the jump and as follows…

Although they’ve clearly scrimped on script writers by letting Zooey Deschanel say whatever she wants, whether it’s funny or not, they’ve paid some attention to the theme tune, which although is written and performed by Deschanel (who claims that she’s in a band called She & Him, though the last time we checked were just a duo of insufferably annoying pricktwists) sums up the series in a unique way.

It’s ditsy, glossy and without any volume at all. And a bit “write the feem toon, sing the feem toon.”

Apparently there is a way to make the worst thing Patrick Swayze ever did, apart from dying, Dirty Dancing, more cloying and vaginary than normal. Which is…an achievement, we guess?

“Oh look, aren’t I quirky? I wear printed prom dresses and say sentences with weird rhythms and sing to myself and shower in a swimsuit. Look at the way I say things and look out the side of my eyes. Aren’t I so relevant and hip?” – this is what Zooey Deschanel thinks all the time.

One of the housemates that she moves in with has the biggest jaw ever seen on a human being. Bigger than Olly Murs’ and Jimmy Hill’s. Even bigger than the ones on Mount Rushmore. God bless the disgustingly faced bastard.

There’s such a thing as a Douchebag Jar. No signs of ukelele playing, or listening to cassettes yet, but there’s still time.

So there you are. Watch it, don’t watch it. Zooey Deschanel is still going to continue to be as skin tearingly irritating whether you do or don’t, and we don’t care either.

Of course maybe if you do have an half hour to spare, you could do something useful, like finally find out what actually happened to the Lindbergh Baby. Or where Ian Beale’s appeal lies. We think it’s something he puts in his fish batter. Probably his batter.

Zooey Deschanel is the Prom Queen of the Hipster Ball. She can kinda sing, kinda act and is generally kinda good-looking and kinda nice. Perfect for the hipsters as she never quite looks like she’s really trying.

However, Zooey is quite obviously a giganto-ghoul.

Why? Mainly because she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage and is getting divorced from her husband – Some Guy – which will absolutely anger God so much that he’ll probably ensure any children she has in the future will all have hunchbacks.

Zooey, not quite a proper zoo, has filed for divorce in Los Angeles on December 27th (lovely Christmas present, eh?) from Ben Gibbard, citing irreconcilable differences.

So what could’ve caused this split? Maybe Deschanel didn’t like the fact her soon-to-be-ex-husband saw a series of Zooey’s new show, New Girl, and vomited with fury, demanding to know why such a terrible, terrible thing could ever be commissioned by a television station?

Or, maybe the pair didn’t get along because Zooey had a successful music career while Gibbard was in the tremendously bland Death Cab For Cutie?

Sadly, the couple don’t have any children to make this whole situation more fraught for us prying imbeciles. Worse still is that Deschanel’s publicist has said that the couple’s split was “amicable.”

That said, all this paves the way for Zooey to start actually having sex with Joseph Gordon Levitt because that’s all anyone ever wanted after seeing that stupid film they were in together.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel are probably the most irritating pair on Earth, mainly because we’ve got nothing on them. They seem nice. They seem quite funny. They’re altogether likeable and that makes us mad.

Of course, we hate most of their cloying hipster fans who, this morning, will be getting steamed up ironic NHS spectacles when they learn that the (500) Days of Summer duo have paired up to sing a song together.

And they’ve filmed it. And we’re going to let you watch it if you’re smart enough to click over the jump. Which you’re not. The amount of times we have to actually point that out to you dawdling shitboxes is unreal! Anyway. Video. You’ll like it. Over the jump.

Now that New Year’s Eve is not far away, the Hipster Prom King and Queen have timelyly recorded the classic ‘What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?’ and blurted it on YouTube for us all to watch.

Once the nice ‘aaah, aren’t they adorable but almost entirely sexless’ feeling passes, you’ll soon be hit with a melancholy that tells you that, no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be as fondly thought of as these two. They’re making us all look rubbish.

Deschanel, who we all know is in a relatively successful band already, strums her ukulele in a silvery white party dress and a tiara, while Gordon-Levitt plays guitar in his black suit and tie looking nothing like the berk who was the Scrappy-Doo of Third Rock From The Sun.

All this nicety could soon pass when we review Deschanel’s new sitcom, New Girl, which looks thoroughly awful… but alas, Gordon-Levitt will be in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Night Rises which is probably going to be brilliant.

We can’t win this one, so just watch this video and dribble into your laps.

We live in a world where, astonishingly, Mike Tyson is actively encouraged to sing. And not any old tune. We live in a world where Mike Tyson is encouraged to sing The Girl From Ipanema.

We’ve all been waiting for a boxer to go Bossa Nova haven’t we?

Better yet, is that Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist and yet, for some reason, he continues to get work in movies and television. It must be great for Desiree Washington to see him enjoying the life of a celebrity again, right? Anyway, if you want to see him sing, get over the jump.

Of course, Iron Mike has always been a treat for the ears hasn’t he? Just ask Evander Holyfield who got half of his bitten off by Tyson some years ago in a boxing match.

That’s not really what we mean. We’d like to focus on his lisp. If you don’t know the lyrics for the song, Mike sings them something like this:

“Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goeth walking, and when thee passes each one thee patheth goeth “a-a-ah!” When thee walkth thee’s like a thamba that, thwingth tho cool and thwayth tho gentle, that when thee patheth each one thee patheth goeth “aaaaah!”"

There’s also a lovely bit that goes:

“But each day when thee walkth to the thea, thee lookth thtraight ahead not at me”

Anyway, you can watch one of the most dangerous and unsettling men to ever walk the Earth look a bit stupid in a white suit on Brazilian television.

HAVE FUN.

We’re famous, well-respected bloggers now which means this column is able to be even more irregular and lax than it is at current and you will still have to read it while nodding in agreement with our award-winning opinions on everything from Tulisa’s dental trauma to the death of Berlusconi’s third album of love ballads. How d’you like them apples?

Don’t answer that.

Yes you heard right Berlusconi isn’t just a laughing stock in political and sexual circles, but in the music business too as his latest album is set never to be released. Our ears sagged as we heard the news that due to his stubborn loyalty to attempt to save the world’s poor (by keeping the whores and human traffickers in business), everyone’s favourite Italian stallion is not allowed to unleash his musical vision.

Still, we can’t wait for Eurovision.

Until then we will trawl through the mass of ironic, non-political videos and find you a nice treat for getting to the bottom of this dross, stay tuned it’s going to be fiendishly fabulous you can bet on that and high collars.

It’s not even Hallowe’en anymore, we missed that due to unforeseen laziness, but some horrible videos caused internet sensations last week amongst the vile humans we spend our time with so now it’s your turn to be disgusted by the imaginations of imaginative people.

First though a lovely story from today’s Metro about a man from Manchester who clearly didn’t realise Hallowe’en had ended; it really is that grim up north. The stupid geek with a massive geek collection of geeky Star Wars actions figures killed his wife. He killed his wife because he’s a nerd and because that’s what nerds do when you threaten their collections, to be fair the bitch did destroy the probably valuable collection he had been building since he was 17- he’s now 30 and is going to have a lot of cats when he gets out of jail in 12 years; well… maybe just cat figurines. Now that you’re all shocked and appalled at God’s greatest creation the time is just about right for you to watch these disgusting feats of musical cinema.

If you like hideously pumped up electro that would sound terrible in a club, in your bedroom, your Fiat Punto, or anywhere else that has a sub-woofer then ‘Big Bad Wolf’ by Duck Sauce is the song for you and let’s face it you probably howled with laughter at the most unimaginative and frankly degrading video we’ve seen in approximately ten minutes.  The internet has been whispering about this just enough for you to have heard about it, but not enough for you to pretend you care and feign any knowledge about the significance of a wolf’s head as a man’s penis.

They didn’t even take it to the next level and put Taylor Lautner’s head there: now that would mean something. It would mean something like he’s gay or a cock-muncher or whatever the twelve year olds are saying these days. Currently though it has done nothing but ruin our appetitive and love of the feisty bar owner in Coyote Ugly who assured us that men had toddlers in their pants and not wolves, though it does sort of come full circle.

That wasn’t particularly horrible was it?  It’s more of an annoyingly feeble excuse at controversy, but the French, as usual, have one upped everyone with DYE’s video for ‘Future’ and it’s animated, animation is pleasant and for children is it not?  NO, NO IT’S NOT. DON’T YOU SHOW THIS VIDEO TO YOUR INNOCENTS. Directed by animation wunderkind Jérémie Périn we see some clean, dirty, line drawings getting up to no good in a swimming pool.  They’re kids like you once were, just after a sneaky drink and of course sex, but wait a minute what’s… oh God, please, no, no, it can’t be, surely not, not their genitalia. It’s like the plots of Tremors and Worms (yes, the game) were combined and relocated to your vagina.  Not even the water is nice as it splashes against your screen like little flecks of cum. Everyone dies.

It’s the best advert for abstinence we’ve ever seen. Now you must see it too.

Uhh… sorry.

There are so many horrendous items to choose from on NME’s dedicated video site this week; what to wow you with next was a tough choice or, considering that Nickelback have released new material, the easiest thing in the world ever.

Youtube appears to have gained some sort of standards and we’re really cutting edge so the video for this isn’t available for your eyes yet, but fear not you can watch the lyric video right here in glorious technicolour. 

Not even 30 seconds in and the most overwhelming thought ever is Chad Kroeger, nobody cares enough to check that spelling, has had a hair-cut and possibly plastic surgery on his uncannily smooth face. Resume playing.

It’s only a matter of time until an über-Conservative Presidential Candidate uses this mawkish, obvious bullshit to punctuate a point about kicking the poor in the face. Get excited about that one.

So many still images of soldiers, and the underprivileged, and, er, surfers; couple this with fast tracking shots of the band in a corn field and the line ‘let the drums play on’ and it’s the most hateful video you’ve ever not watched all the way through. Between the outreached hands and cardboard signs reading, “Hope,” this is a song with a message and that message loud and clear is please never listen to this band for fear of shooting yourself in the foot with your loose morals and money.

Did somebody say loose morals and money; codename bunga bunga?

Everything is Italian so we don’t understand exactly what this is, it sure as hell is not Silvio Berlusconi singing (in fact, it might be), but you know, you might enjoy it anyway.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or face dire consequences or ‘Like’ us on Facebook or BUY ONE OF OUR T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU LOVE… & your little dog too!

Dear hecklersprayers, this article contains information that may ruin your appetite and could even inflict some serious mental damage, distrust of the female nether-parts up to and including the Predator’s face.

Right, with that legal stuff out the way, it’s bad news for all straight men and gay women out there. Susan Boyle is on the look for a suitable mate.

We can’t actually bring ourselves to speak of the hairiest winner of Britain’s Got Talent in a sexual light. It just seems very, very wrong. Like how you wouldn’t want to know about your grandparent’s sex life, or how your mother explains the first time you find a condom in their bedroom. An uneasy, topsy turvy feeling in your stomach makes you want to vomit enough bile to make Example think ‘Jeez, they’re being a bit harsh.’

So, we’re not going to dwell on the unfortunate facts that come with having a first boyfriend; the heated frisson, the ‘do they/don’t they’, the damp patches on her knickers, and instead think of how happy the stubbly singer will be.

Apparently the hirsute honey isn’t short of offers either. Which must make all of you’s with no girlfriend/boyfriend slightly envious. I mean, if a woman approaching the sweaty depths of menopause with natural hair like that can get someone to boff their brains out, what’s wrong with you?

The stubbly siren is ready to settle down with a lovely fella who looks after her and thinks of her in a nice way. Just like what she did for her mother until she died in 2007. And for a few years after that until she decided to audition for BGT and Simon Cowell ditched her corpse in the usual place: under the stage of Red Or Black?

But who would be a good suitor for the closest thing we’ve got to explain the Missing Link in human evolution? Well, she thinks Donny Osmond is good enough for her. Which is going to stress middle aged women the World over. Perhaps they’ll rise up in a Justin Bieber-style army to find Cowell’s pet pig and string her up. Or maybe just pop down to Waitrose for some prosecco before she picks up the kids in the Range Rover.

We think that because Donny Osmond isn’t available at the moment, we could come up with three people who would be perfect for her.

Harry from Harry And The Hendersons

It’s a perfect choice for a hairy mythical beast to be the one that makes an honest woman of Susan Boyle. Both are things of legend. They’re both equally as hairy as each other. And Harry has the Hendersons, who wouldn’t mind another surrogate beast roaming around their house, drinking all the milk and getting up to general mischief.

John McCririck from your nightmares

Tell the truth, having Susan Boyle as a love rival to Booby would make an excellent reality TV show. One can sing Nessum Dorma like no other, and the other is Susan Boyle. Instead of The Bachelor’s rose, McCririck could wipe a freshly picked nose baby on his chosen wife.

Trevor Eve/David Essex/Cliff Richard

Any one of these would be a fantastic addition to the celebrity landscape, and on the other hand, would really irritate all our mothers.

As if you couldn’t have guessed, the bushy babe is telling us all this because she has a new album out soon, and wants people to buy it and listen to her Depeche Mode cover. If she does that by slamming her fleecy face in the papers, then so be it!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Kids do the sweetest things don’t they? They vomit over their food, which they continue to eat; they poo in their pants; they waddle around like little drunks forming crystallised snot moustaches while demanding every single second of your increasingly worthless time.

All together now – AAAAWWWWWWW

However, some parents aren’t sated with such activities. They want to push their children into becoming performing monkeys so they can look at the other, blissfully stupid children running around with glorious abandon and think “Gah. My kid will be famous while these idiots will still be in short pants.” And we’ve got one here… and Jesus, Joseph and Mary, she’s a little precocious horror. That’s right, she’s singing Nicki Minaj’s ‘Super Bass’ with the raps and gyrating moves.

The little girl in question goes by the name of Sophia Grace Brownlee and she’s like an entire series of Mini Pops crammed into one tiny human.

She’s got her little friend along to rap and writhe while she delivers a breathless version of ‘Super Bass’, which of course, includes lines like; “When he come up in the club, he be blazin’ up” as well as; “He cold, he dope, he might sell coke.”

Our favourite line for a mother to encourage her child to sing is:

“He just gotta give me that look, when he give me that look, then the panties comin’ off, off, uh”

And speaking of mother, while you watch this so-toe-curling-you’ll-end-up-with-a-club-foot video, keep an eye out for her in the mirror at the top of the shot, giving hand instructions and such.

Holy cow.

Pushy parents. Who needs ‘em? Especially when they breed and nurture wailing horrorbags like this. Just wait ’til Mumsnet get a load of it. They’ll piss great arcs of anger until the whole internet drowns in their fury.

Anyway, here’s the video.

Prepare for nausea.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Remember when we all laughed at Susan Boyle because she had a funny face? Then she started singing and everyone said in unison; ‘Wow, you can have a funny face AND sing! Who knew?!’ Remember?

Then, when the initial shock of Boyle’s voice ebbed away, everyone went back to pointing and laughing at her. Remember that?

Well, she’s going to turn that hooting mockery into hatred from Depeche Mode fans. That’s because a) Depeche Mode fans are some of the weirdest, most dedicated, joyless nutters you’ll ever meet and b) Susan Boyle has recorded a cover version of a Depeche Mode song.

Susan Boyle is returning to the CD racks with her third LP, ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’.

On the album she tackles ‘Unchained Melody’ which has never been covered before, but more interestingly, she’ll be crooning ‘Mad World’ and, here you go Depeche Mode fans, ‘Enjoy The Silence’.

This will drive Depeche Mode fans insane with unwarranted grief as they see one of their favourite songs wrestled away by someone from a talent show.

The only other times they will have felt this awful is when Dave Gahan nearly died of a smack overdose, which was nearly as bad as when The Saturday’s covered ‘Just Can’t Get Enough’ (or indeed, Crazy Frog’s cover).

Depeche Mode couldn’t give two hoots about their back catalogue could they?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Imagine waking up every morning and seeing Coldplay’s Chris Martin lying there in his hemp pyjamas, gurgling while he dreams about drawing another slogan on his hand which will end world hunger.

It’s little wonder then, that Gwyneth Paltrow has conducted an interview saying that she “respects and admires” people who have conducted extra-marital affairs.

This is presumably because she can think of doing little else.

Paltrow has been married to Martin for nearly a decade now and is clearly so bored with life, that she’s written a cook book and thinking about becoming a professional singer, just to show her husband how easy it is to get a record out these days.

But she really needs someone else to share juices with. She says:

“I am a great romantic – but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.

“That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Of course, she’ll be very understanding and forgiving should Chris have it away with all those middle-class groupies that attend Coldplay’s tedium events in the stadiums of the world.

Either way, if you’re nothing like Chris Martin and have a noticeable personality, you might be in with a chance of being Gwyn’s bit of crumpet on the side.

That’s nice isn’t it. Do tell her to stop singing if you’re the lucky affairee.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

You. You’re a massive wimp. Why? Because we’re all wimps when compared to the most immense man the world has ever seen! We are, of course, talking about walking deity, Vladimir Putin!

There’s nothing that ol’ Pute can’t do. Seriously. If there was a sex-tape leaked starring him, it would be so impressive that our collective genitals would crawl up into our bodies in shame.

This week, Rad Vlad decided to go diving. Pretty simple in terms of pleasures, right? However, this is Super Putin! On his first go, he just so happens to come back with some ancient treasures, just like that! Should we be surprised? Like hell. We’ve got loads of videos to show that he’s the greatest human who ever walked this disgrace of a planet.

Putin uncovered a 6th Century urn from the Black Sea all by himself, just to show you how much better he is than us plebs.

In seven months, Russia will be voting for a new president, so we’re here to remind you why you’d be an idiot to doubt this man.

Seriously. There’s nothing he can’t do.

As such, we’ve yoinked his finest moments and put them all in one place so you can weep with jealousy and hope for a time we live in a country with such a brilliant leader. He can shoot, sing, rap… he can even fly and shoot tigers!

Here we go! Take notes, losers.

Putin finds ancient jugs!

Putin sings!

Putin enjoys graffiti and rap

Putin shoots a gun with men in balaclavas!

Putin flies a plane through a fire!

Putin is all action horse riding, swimming man!

Putin does martial arts!

Putin drives a car really fast

Putin shoots a tiger!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Cher Lloyd, you remember her don’t you? She’s that one what didn’t win the X Factor and is still famous for some reason despite not having actually done anything to earn it.

Well, she’s back in the news this week after accusing new X Factor judge Tulisa off of the N-Dubz of secretly being a hermaphrodite.

Lloyd was quoted as saying that Contos… Contstav… Tulisa has, “got balls,” a revelation that is sure to send the N-Dubz star nuts.

The N-Dubz and X Factor management teams had, until now, done a remarkable job keeping Tulisa’s alleged acorns under wraps and, with the death of the News of the World, may have thought that said balls would never have seen the light of day.

One possible reason for the slip could be that Cher Lloyd has just released her debut single, the bizarrely titled Swagger Jagger, and needed to stir up a bit of controversy so that people remember who she is.

But why pick on poor, sweet Tulisa, what has she ever done eh? Apart from steal (Lloyd’s X Factor mentor) Cheryl Cole’s job and singlehandedly destroy her life, forcing our Chezza to reconcile with former hubby and renowned love rat/careless pellet gun owner, Ashley.

Tulisa has yet to react to Lloyd’s allegation, which is a shame, as we here at hecklerspray do love it when Tulisa goes off on one of her, allegedly testosterone fuelled, rants.

We’ll all just have to wait and see whether or not Tulisa’s N-Dublets ever get revealed to the world, but we can’t help but think that if they do get some airtime on the X-Factor we’ll immediately be asked which one we want to vote off, resulting in the most awkward and yet oddly compelling sing off in the history of TV talent shows.

Wait, we’ve got the wrong end of the stick here, haven’t we?

Balls.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Chris Martin’s Coldplay are unquestionably successful. The amount of records they sell and the number of people who attend their shows around the world are often held up as proof of their quality.

By that token, you could argue that dog muck is brilliant because millions of flies just can’t get enough of it. Or racism. That’s popular around the world too.

Regardless, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care about all that because she knows best. She’s launching her music career and doesn’t need stupid advice from that dippy, stadium filling husband of hers. She presumably thinks Coldplay are just hangar sized turds.

Of course, Gwyneth doesn’t think that at all. She’s as insipid as he is. You can just imagine them sat in their lentil built mansion wiping the tears of carrots away while worrying about the third world can’t you?

And talking of her husband’s musical prowess, she said something remarkably berky.

“He’s a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

You heard. Musical genius. The man who wrote:

“And the spies came out of the water but you’re feeling so good, ’cause you know.”

Amazing. Still, Paltrow shows good taste in performance coaches, as it transpires that she tapped up Beyonce for tips on how to loosen up before her awful performance with Cee Lo Green at the Grammy Awards.

“Beyonce’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun’. She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

“Beyonce and Jay – they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go… in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do”

Here’s some advice. Don’t. Ever. This is what happens when actors try singing.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!