We’ve saved this post until late in the day because we’re genuinely worried that, if you read it in the morning, it’d be too much to bear and you’d end up fatally attacking yourself in the face with the nearest piece of office equipment. So, now that we can only ruin a small part of the rest of your day, here goes.

Kerry Katona wants to relaunch her singing career. We know, it makes us want to cry too.

You know, we’re not sure that we trust Kerry Katona any more. Just take her infamous slurred This Morning interview last year. In the interview, Kerry Katona denied that she was an alcoholic – and then, a few weeks later, she reversed her decision and admitted her alcoholism to a newspaper.

Also in that interview, Kerry Katona answered a question about her possible return to music by saying “No. No. I wouldn’t do that to you poor people.” That’s a statement that’s entirely at odds with a report in yesterday’s News Of The World which claimed that Kerry is in fact brewing up a plot to resume her singing career. Look:

Kerry Katona is re-launching her pop career… And get a load of this — the airhead wants to WRITE her own songs too. Yes, this is the same Kerry who can’t sing, the same Kerry who murdered karaoke on that dippy MTV show of hers… An MTV insider confirmed: “It’s all Kerry’s idea and we’re going to be along for the ride.”

Oh excellent, Kerry Katona is going to dip her toes back into the music industry. You’ll remember that, before she made the transition to being the worst woman on the face of the planet on a full-time, professional basis, Kerry Katona used to be a member of Atomic Kitten. Or maybe you don’t remember that, since nobody had actually heard of Atomic Kitten until the other two decided to boot Kerry out.

But anyway, read that paragraph again. That’s right – MTV is involved in Kerry Katona’s plan to relaunch her singing career. Jesus, haven’t we had enough Kerry Katona MTV documentaries already? We’ve already seen Kerry Katona smoke during her pregnancy, Kerry Katona have her knockers chopped up by a surgeon and Kerry Katona literally push a human being out of her vagina for the sake on entertainment – surely letting her sing in public is a step too far. Because, short of making a documentary about Kerry Katona deliberately driving a car into a tree at full speed while screaming “Are you happy now, world?” there aren’t many place you take this format, really.

But back to our original point – we can’t trust a thing that Kerry Katona says. She’s not an alcoholic and then she is one. She’s not returning to music and then she is. What else did Kerry Katona lie about in that This Morning interview? She also said “AMMA TWENNYATEYERAWLD WOMMA!” in the interview at one point, but can we even believe that any more? Are you, Kerry? Are you really a twennyateyerawld womma? We find it hard to believe, frankly.

Read more:

Kerry Katona’s Back – NOTW

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You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

We think Victoria Beckham is a modern-day Renaissance woman, but that’s because our understanding of the original Renaissance is that it involved lots of 14th century Europeans half-heartedly trying their hands at different barely-defined jobs and then not worrying when they failed because they were married to millionaire footballers and got their face in Heat at least every couple of weeks anyway. Which we think actually happened.

There’s literally nothing that Victoria Beckham can’t do. Although she says she works in the fashion industry now – which means she follows Katie Holmes around the shops once every couple of weeks – Victoria has also managed to become a red hot TV personality and actress, so long as you count one embarrassingly scaled-back TV show and a woeful appearance on Ugly Betty as red-hot, plus she’s also a world famous singer.

Except she’s not. Not any more. Victoria Beckham’s solo career was over from roughly the second it began, and she’s not likely to do much more with the Spice Girls after their reunion tour couldn’t even stagger on to its scheduled climax.

And this means, as reported by Metro, that Victoria Beckham can’t call herself a singer any more:

Victoria Beckham has followed in Geri Halliwell’s footsteps, announcing her retirement from pop. “I’m not going to sing anymore, I’m turning my mic off,” she said. Her comments, made on breakfast show GMTV, will come as a blow to fans who were hoping to see her in Vegas as part of the Pussycat Dolls troupe.  “I heard about that,” she said. “The thought of leaping around on stage in a bra top and knickers. No.”

Never mind. As a member of the Spice Girls, Victoria Beckham has already made more money than most out of singing, so she’ll always be able to say she was a success. Well, she either made her money by singing or  by standing around dressed like a stern prostitute while Sporty Spice did all the singing. Anyway, it’s all over now so it doesn’t matter.

And since Victoria Beckham has retired from music so formally, we think this means we’re allowed to sue her for breach of contract if we ever hear her string two or more notes together from now on. We shouldn’t get our hopes up, though – she barely managed to do that when she was a professional.

Read more:

Finally, Posh says she’s retired from singing – Metro

We did it so that we could administer first aid in a moments notice should we ever be lucky enough to stumble upon somebody who was almost dead. We never did – but we did learn how to cook duck with those things. One of the ducks actually came back to life. It was headless and plucked, but it waddled just the same. That's what our record was for. Nobody had ever previously resuscitated a headless duck. We think it's on page three of that Guinness book.

Geri Halliwell, apparently, is going through that same phase, just a couple of years after us. But instead of zapping people/ducks with thousands of electrical volts, she sings to them back to health. One girl recently emerged from a coma because of it, while no ducks responded at all.

When Geri Halliwell isn't on stage participating in that thick-legged Spice Girls reunion, she really enjoys singing to the comatose. Sure, she also likes to write children's books, give birth to blue-tinted hollow metal instruments and shield her child from abusive golfers, but singing to the comatose is really where her heart lies. Mostly.

She has a fan, you see, a 14-year-old girl who happily owned at least one concert ticket to see the Spice Girls dance and sing and maybe huff off stage. A few days before the show though – and this is seriously horrible (we're not joking here) the young lady was the victim of an attack that left her stabbed 30 times. She didn't die – she had a stroke and went into a coma.

A family member somehow contacted the singer, who was moved by the story and showed up for a visit. The girl's mother explains:

"Geri sang a couple of lines from one of the Spice Girls' songs and Jessica started moving her arms and legs. It was amazing. We were all in fits of giggles because we were so relieved and it was just so funny seeing her legs move to Geri' singing. The next day, she opened her eyes for the first time."

But when those eyes opened – Halliwell was nowhere to be seen. No, with a gift like that one can't stay in a place for too long. There are old ladies with cancer lumps what need singing at, and possibly younger women who need their birth-canals cleared with crazy decibel levels aimed directly in there. Also she has a solo career to think about.

You can't sit all day in a hospital when you've got a solo career to think about.

Read More:

Coma Girl Jessica Knight Woke After Geri Halliwell Sang To Her – Mirror